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i have been going for marriage counselling for almost 1 year. at least 6 times the counselor suggested that i consider a divorce.. i have stopped going because i know that counselling at this stage will not going to any fruitful...

 

there is always going to be difference in a relationship... i think not every problem needs to be solved. but they definately need to be well-discussed!

the problem that i have previously raise are just problem that need to be discussed. but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode...

 

my wife is the friendliest person in the world, she is kind and nice and easy going with everyone... i dont know why we just cant get along, it is like we are repelling each other... from the moment i wake up in the morning, every single and little decision we make just continue to oppose each other. (it was not like that during dating.. ) from what i want to eat to what i want to wear and how i want to wear them.. she wants to tell me that i am wrong..

 

sometimes i also wonder if she is listening when i am talking.. i can be telling her i have a headache and she ask me how is my tummy 20mins later..

when we have a conversation she will also at times space out like her soul got transported into another dimension...

 

very often she will tell me she will do something, and in the end did not keep to her promises.. she doesnt even remember saying that she will do them.. that is the strange part.. i asked her if her tailor alter men's shirt, she said she will ask her tailor, and she doesnt even remember having this conversation with me..

 

or when she actually does something at home.. she doesnt complete the task. say if she wash the dishes and dry them at the rack, they could be on the rack for months.. last year the dishes where all over the kitchen countertop for 2 months until i cant stand it and keep the in the cabinet.

 

why are all these concerns for me?? because i want to have children with her.. and all these do not give me faith to have kids with her...

 

yes, i have been trashed in this forum in my previous post.. feel free to continue trashing...

 

i am very tired... working on a relationship that shows no results.. dont get me wrong she is doing her best to make this relationship work too.. but we are focused on different issues.. its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party...

 

maybe we are just too different.. i love her, i cherish her.. but nothing seems to working and i have no way to communicate to her in a way that she understands.. or if i can be sure that she is listening.. it is just too hard.. and i am wondering if i should get a divorce like the counselor suggested..

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Based on your other posts and what I am reading now, I can understand why your counselor suggested this. You do not seem willing to look at your own part in all of this... you are focused on her and what she is doing and what she needs to change... and anytime someone suggest that you do, you turn it back on her and what she should be doing to make you happy or what she is doing that annoys you.

 

You get upset that she doesn't turn the light off, or that she didn't talk to her tailor, or that she didn't put dishes away.... maybe she doesn't want to be your housekeeper or personal assistant, maybe she is looking for a different type of connection with you and is upset that she isn't getting it. It's unfortunate that you are letting this stuff aggravate you to the point of wanting to get divorced but each to their own.

 

The funny thing is that I had cousins with parents who were completely mismatched in terms of their housekeeping styles... some people have such strong values around it that it can indeed drive a wedge between them... they split up and are now with partners that are totally compatible with their styles, and each one is much happier.

 

As for the committing suicide thing... while it's definitely not something to take lightly, she may just be so completely frustrated and done with the fighting and criticism that she wants an escape from the relationship. However if you believe she is serious, getting her some help is in order.

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Well, I think your counselor brings up divorce because there is something seriously wrong with your wife. This is not the way normal people act.

 

She is certainly emotionally abusive from what you describe. But forgetting what she was doing, being transported to another dimension. It sounds like she's having breaks with reality. You're talking about trying to fix your relationship, trying to communicate with her, but if she is suffering from a mental illness, this is not something that you can fix.

 

And wanting to have kids with someone who can't even do the dishes is cruel and abusive. I think you're in denial about the situation at home. You need to get her evaluated by a doctor. She may have ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder ... something! Either that or you're making all of this up. It's all in your head.

 

As for the other things you talked about, you've got to step up. If you don't want the dishes left in the strainer, then put them away yourself. If you want your shirt tailored, bring it to the tailor yourself. Why are you asking someone who can't function well to do these tasks that you yourself are capable of doing? You need to be a man and step up. And you need to get help for your wife. Something has obviously happened to her, and you've got to realize it.

 

I hope you get either her or yourself help.

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Really? She checks up on how you're feeling and you get in a tiff because she confuses your headache for a stomach ache? Between that and the light switch debacle, I don't even know.

 

And that's not saying I think this woman sounds like a Georgia peach. There's plenty of her behaviors you've written that would rustle my jimmies over time. But even the tone of what you're taking the time and thought to write has been amazingly condescending toward her, and consistently so. Your wife for sure seems like a flawed woman, but as far as I can tell, you absolutely refuse to accept any of them. Marriage is about complementing your partner, and that often means one of you will be more adept at things the other is inept with. You can pitch a fit over your partner forgetting to shut off a light before you leave or you can recognize you're the one who innately gives more of a damn and do the 30 second tour of the house yourself before leaving. If I sh*t a brick every time I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find the BBQ mop my wife put away, we'd have divorced week one.

 

Now the issue becomes when they don't have any reciprocal strengths to benefit you as yours do her. Or if the strengths she does have are those which you can't appreciate. I put the dishes away because it matters more to me where they're placed. Her strengths play elsewhere to the relationship and household. Whether you're being fair to your wife or not, your marriage doesn't seem to have that. Doesn't sound like there was ever a golden age to your marriage and now counseling seems to be failing. There being no kids in the picture, I'm not seeing even a bad excuse to drag it out.

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Sounds exactly like my coworker's mom who had a stroke a few months ago, and didn't even know. It went on untreated for so long, she is pretty messed up.

 

But the dishes - why didn't you just put them away the next day? She's not your housekeeper. And Google will tell you who can tailor a shirt. I know you are using then as test of the love your wife has for you, but these are pretty dumb tests if she's the most unorganized person, mentally ill, or had an undiagnosed stroke.

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if the counselor has said it many times - i'd definitely consider it (they don't suggest that loosely as it takes away from their revenues for you to divorce instead of get counseling).

you yourself have said that you stopped marriage counseling because "you don't think it will help" (aka your wife is beyond wanting to resolve/repair this and do her part).

Lastly, when you're dealing with somebody who is "always right" and "never at fault" - that's their self-admission they dont' feel they need to change a THING.

 

I think in the end, what you want is to "have children" - not "have children with her". She just so happens to be the one you're SUPPOSED to hav children with b/c you are married. But what if you weren't married - is she still the person you want to be the mother of your childreen? I don't think so.

 

Time to divorce and give yourself a better shot at being happier, and having a happier and healthier FAMILY - instead of knowingly settling for her and an unhealthy family with her.

 

Good luck.

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of course she has cos these are all the same ... I am surprised the medical proffession ever manage to spot these conditions ...thanks for straightening that one out ...we can just say they are all one now ...yay
Not meant to rip into anyone, but I'm imagining Captain Planet except instead of combining elements they combine mental health conditions... but the result would still be Captain Planet.

 

I dare anyone to tell me this looks like a dude who has his **** together:

 

http://www.capsulecomputers.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Captain-Planet-and-the-Planeteers-Screenshot-01.jpg

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Your wife's behaviour is really off. Normal people don't have these lapses in memory. I am wondering if there are some mental or medical issues going on, or if she is just a control freak and it's "her way, or the highway" and she know it all. I can definitely understand your frustration, OP. But, if you want to continue your life this way, that's your prerogative. Personally, I feel you'd be better off divorcing, just like your counselor suggested before you lose your mind. He/she knows more details than we do and, since he/she is a professional, his/her decision must be seriously considered. It also sounds like she's not really listening to what you say to her, or care, for that matter. She is emotionally abusive towards you and very disrespectful.

 

I understand that you love her but there's no reason to put up with the toxic environment she is creating. Have you ever suggested that she go to counselling with you? Oh wait, she's going to criticise you and say she doesn't need it, right? I don't mean to be disrespectful but there is something seriously unbalanced about her, particularly if she goes into a "i want to commit suicide" mode. Again, not a healthy person's attitude.

 

Lastly, IMHO, she is unsuitable for motherhood if she cannot even handle normal, every day life. Will she forget to feed her child, or worse? Think about it. She should see a doctor and/or a counselor.

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Definitely schizotypal personality disorder 😜

Not meant to rip into anyone, but I'm imagining Captain Planet except instead of combining elements they combine mental health conditions... but the result would still be Captain Planet.

 

I dare anyone to tell me this looks like a dude who has his **** together

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i have been going for marriage counselling for almost 1 year.

Where is the WE? Is your wife going with you, or are you going yourself?

Honestly if someone is broken record and says they are so unhappy at some point someone is going to say 'well get a divorce then if you are going to keep complaining and not be productive'

 

Well, I think your counselor brings up divorce because there is something seriously wrong with your wife. This is not the way normal people act.

 

She is certainly emotionally abusive from what you describe. But forgetting what she was doing, being transported to another dimension. It sounds like she's having breaks with reality. You're talking about trying to fix your relationship, trying to communicate with her, but if she is suffering from a mental illness, this is not something that you can fix.

 

And wanting to have kids with someone who can't even do the dishes is cruel and abusive. I think you're in denial about the situation at home. You need to get her evaluated by a doctor. She may have ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder ... something! Either that or you're making all of this up. It's all in your head.

 

As for the other things you talked about, you've got to step up. If you don't want the dishes left in the strainer, then put them away yourself. If you want your shirt tailored, bring it to the tailor yourself. Why are you asking someone who can't function well to do these tasks that you yourself are capable of doing? You need to be a man and step up. And you need to get help for your wife. Something has obviously happened to her, and you've got to realize it.

 

I hope you get either her or yourself help.

 

The question is - why are the dishes drying on the counter for 2 months. If she washes dishes and puts them on the rack to dry - are your arms broken where you can't walk by and put a couple of dishes away?

Your wife works full time. You work full time. So why if she does half of something can you not pick up the other half?? Stop keeping score. What's the big deal?

 

My ex talked to me as you talk to her -- keeping score, telling her to "do things". If he asked me to take out the trash and i got home very late so didn't do it yet, he would talk to me about "broken promises" and maybe i was mentally ill because i couldn't learn. His arms were not broken and trash didn't even come til the next day, but yet i am the mental non carer. Don't give her a laundry list of tasks and treat her like an employee.

 

Danzee, i beg your pardon.....

 

I have ADD and Aspergers and this is exactly what i do --

sometimes i get very distracted and don't finish something.

I am not "mentally ill". If i have a structured day or deadlines, i can get 1,000 things done.

If i have no deadlines, i sometimes my brain meanders.

When i had pets, it was much better because i needed to take care of them and had purpose

 

So ---- if you love this woman eXCEPT the fact that she is not a great housekeeper,

hire someone to come in twice a month to do the heavy detailed cleaning - floors, bathrooms, kitchen, etc,

make a date of picking up together and then go on dates with your wife to reconnect.

 

Its not like your wife is just spending her days sitting around the house - she is off working.

 

If you don't want to stay married - fine, but when she married you, she didn't vow to be your housekeeper.

And if you are concerned for your wife -- be concerned about her well being, not what she is not doing for you.

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Your wife's behaviour is really off. Normal people don't have these lapses in memory. I am wondering if there are some mental or medical issues going on, or if she is just a control freak and it's "her way, or the highway" and she know it all. I can definitely understand your frustration, OP. But, if you want to continue your life this way, that's your prerogative. Personally, I feel you'd be better off divorcing, just like your counselor suggested before you lose your mind. He/she knows more details than we do and, since he/she is a professional, his/her decision must be seriously considered. It also sounds like she's not really listening to what you say to her, or care, for that matter. She is emotionally abusive towards you and very disrespectful.

 

I understand that you love her but there's no reason to put up with the toxic environment she is creating. Have you ever suggested that she go to counselling with you? Oh wait, she's going to criticise you and say she doesn't need it, right? I don't mean to be disrespectful but there is something seriously unbalanced about her, particularly if she goes into a "i want to commit suicide" mode. Again, not a healthy person's attitude.

 

Lastly, IMHO, she is unsuitable for motherhood if she cannot even handle normal, every day life. Will she forget to feed her child, or worse? Think about it. She should see a doctor and/or a counselor.

 

 

When my ex used to yell at me, it was hard to keep everything straight because i was always so mentally exhausted.

 

Men get a pass for not remembering what their wife asked them to pick up at the store -- they get the bread but forget all the other stuff she asked for- but she is mentally ill and they are not?

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When my ex used to yell at me, it was hard to keep everything straight because i was always so mentally exhausted.

 

Men get a pass for not remembering what their wife asked them to pick up at the store -- they get the bread but forget all the other stuff she asked for- but she is mentally ill and they are not?

 

I mean no disrespect towards you, abitbroken, but my idiot STBX took every opportunity to yell/belittle/reprimand, etc and I was able to function and remember things just fine. Perhaps I have a good memory? Everyone is prone to forget things at times but his wife has a number of other impairment issues. Her bizarre behaviour does suggest some form of mental instability (remember the suicide threat?. But this is simply my opinion.

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Of course we are only hearing one side of the story here but what you describe is not good.

 

It sounds like you are doing marriage counseling but she isn't there? Is that correct?

 

Anyways what you both need is individual therapy and when you have figured yourselves out then you can start couples counseling. This doesn't sound like conflict resolution, money issues, disrespect, cheating, momma's boy, different social lifestyles or different goals and dreams problems a marriage counselor could help with. This sounds like basic compatibility problems that need to brought out into the light with some honest discussions between you two and then talk them over with your own therapist.

 

Many times we make things a bigger problem than they really are or don't have enough empathy to see how our actions or in actions are hurting the one we love. A therapist can help with this.

 

You are frustrated and do not see a solution which I think we all can understand regardless of why. Before you decided to end things why not seek out individual therapy for both of you (different therapists) and see what you learn. If she refuses to see someone then you just lost one more option and are down to just a few.

 

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this woman until there is a lengthy amount of time where your relationship is solid.

 

Many times taking on a huge problem seems impossible until you break it down into little problems and work on them one by one. Go after the low hanging fruit first, get some success and then tackle the next easiest one.

 

Lost

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I mean no disrespect towards you, abitbroken, but my idiot STBX took every opportunity to yell/belittle/reprimand, etc and I was able to function and remember things just fine. Perhaps I have a good memory? Everyone is prone to forget things at times but his wife has a number of other impairment issues. Her bizarre behaviour does suggest some form of mental instability (remember the suicide threat?. But this is simply my opinion.

 

My son has Autistic as well and needs a break down of instruction. My husband is severely ADHD and has a very technical and busy career. When at home he would forget his azz if it wasn’t glue on. Doesn’t mean they are “ mental” . It means they need accommodations and understanding.

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I mean no disrespect towards you, abitbroken, but my idiot STBX took every opportunity to yell/belittle/reprimand, etc and I was able to function and remember things just fine. Perhaps I have a good memory? Everyone is prone to forget things at times but his wife has a number of other impairment issues. Her bizarre behaviour does suggest some form of mental instability (remember the suicide threat?. But this is simply my opinion.

 

Having read his other threads I get more of a sense that the OP is critical, controlling and negative and picks away at her, while his wife is completely defiant, rebellious, and childish. At the end of the day it sounds more like a father - teenage daughter relationship then it does a marriage!

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My son has Autistic as well and needs a break down of instruction. My husband is severely ADHD and has a very technical and busy career. When at home he would forget his azz if it wasn’t glue on. Doesn’t mean they are “ mental” . It means they need accommodations and understanding.

 

Please, I meant no harm is calling it "Mental". When I read your message, I should have used the word "disorder". Perhaps that's what is going on with her. I haven't read OP's original threads but something about their relationship is off, whether it's him, her or a combination of both. I am still of the belief that they should try couples therapy. I find myself wondering why the therapist keeps suggesting a divorce. Hmmm.

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Please, I meant no harm is calling it "Mental". When I read your message, I should have used the word "disorder". Perhaps that's what is going on with her. I haven't read OP's original threads but something about their relationship is off, whether it's him, her or a combination of both. I am still of the belief that they should try couples therapy. I find myself wondering why the therapist keeps suggesting a divorce. Hmmm.

You mean to say different neurology.

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You're trying to conform her to what you think marriage should be.

Even though you always fail you keep trying polish your routine and fail again.

 

"...but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems."

 

Stop talking (so much), and start listening to her.

Really listening.

When she finishes talking, rub your chin and say "I'll think about that/it. Then SHUT UP and really think about what she is saying.

 

 

Btw, Your counselor is an idiot.

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its like we are trading in our own currency that are meaningless to the other party...

 

Then why not start trading in currency that IS of value? Ask wife to come up with a bribe list of valuable things she wants from you along with another list of things she wishes you would stop doing. Make the same list to give to her. Use this list to negotiate trades that are of actual value to each of you.

 

Ask wife to pick a time of the week where you both can discuss your week. It can be used to vent about work or life outside the home as well as discussing specific gripes in your household life. You each take turns at 10 minutes of uninterrupted talk time. You can both have a second or third turn to address the other's discussion, but instead of interrupting the other, you'll need to write down the topics you'll want to address as they occur.

 

Consider carefully some topics that do NOT need a defense. Picking your battles is a skill. One reason for uninterrupted time is to allow the other to feel heard--and sometimes that's enough. Not everything needs an answer.

 

At the end, negotiate trades of things you each want from the other for that week. If it's to stop doing something, the other agrees to pay 20 buck on the spot if they do the thing they agreed to not do.

 

This weekly practice provides space to avoid arguments during the week, so if either tries to 'parent' the other, no defense is necessary. You can offer to discuss it if if the complaint still matters on Thursday during your gripe session.

 

Use care to model the kind of behavior you want from wife. It makes no sense to ask of her anything you won't do yourself.

 

If this counselor isn't working for you, consider hiring a new one to learn whether that can help.

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You're trying to conform her to what you think marriage should be.

Even though you always fail you keep trying polish your routine and fail again.

 

"...but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems."

 

Stop talking (so much), and start listening to her.

Really listening.

When she finishes talking, rub your chin and say "I'll think about that/it. Then SHUT UP and really think about what she is saying.

 

 

Btw, Your counselor is an idiot.

 

Did you finish reading the rest of his sentence? "but the real issue in my marriage is that i cant talk about the problems. she will get defensive, she will want to explain her way is right, she will cry and block out.. she will go into a crazy "i want to commit suicide" mode..."

 

If he tries to discuss any of the problems with her, she becomes defensive, wants to explain her way is right, etc. Have you any idea how annoying and frustrating that is when he is attempting to talk about issues/problems and she behaves in these ridiculous ways? I know I understand. Whenever I attempted to explain something to my STBX, his response was "I don't want to hear it." So, how will they ever have a conversation regarding their problems when his wife is exhibiting all these unproductive behaviours? She's not willing to budge and believe that she's always right or, if she realises that she's in the wrong, she cries, etc.

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