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My boyfriend does not support my career


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Hi All,

 

Me and my boyfriend are living together for a while, we are thinking of getting married. Recently I applied to a company, my dream company which happens to be in another city. I honestly never expected to hear from them. But they replied with an interview, this company is known for having notoriously difficult interviews. I was super happy and excited and rushed over to tell my partner. He got very angry that I hadn't consulted him before considering to apply for a job in another city and that I wasn't serious about the relationship. I was very hurt but I gave the extremely difficult telephonic interview and passed and got called for the onsite interview. My bf didn't speak properly to me for an entire day. Now if I go to this onsite interview I am afraid things will take a turn for the worse. This is my dream and I never expected it to actually happen. I cannot believe this is happening and am very confused. I have tried talking to him but it didn't help. He gets very angry and says while he is dreaming of a future together, I am thinking of moving away and that it is selfish of me to do so.

 

Can anybody give me some advice?

 

Regards,

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When You say it’s in another city, how far away is this other city? You didn’t say that you are ending the relationship if you got the job, correct? So tell him that. As for him— I think he’s being the selfish one. He’s being very immature not speaking to you. He should be happy for you for wanting to advance your career. Has he done things like this in the past-stopped talking to you, called you selfish, etc.? He sounds borderline abusive

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The city is four hours by train and six hours by bus. So I was thinking of commuting on the weekends. I wasn't thinking of ending the relationship at all.

 

He has called me selfish, not serious about our relation also unfaithful (because I am still on speaking terms with my ex who occasionally sends a good morning) in the past but I had always assumed that is because he is angry and when people get angry they say stupid things. But they still hurt:icon_sad:

Edited by Shyama
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How far away is it? How long have you been together? There are multiple issues in this one scenario. I don't think it's too far fetched if he's not exactly thrilled you going in for a second interview is how he discovers your relationship may become long distance or bust. While the responsible response would be to wish you the best and deal with the reality of you moving as he needs to should it come to it, I think it's a situation that's at least understandable the shock begets a less than ideal reaction. Had you "consulted" him (or even just told him without making it a negotiation), it'd be much easier to sympathize with your expectation of support.

 

But again, a lot of my opinion is contingent on my first two questions.

 

ETA after reading your response: It doesn't speak too highly of things if you're not giving the guy you're considering marrying a heads up you're applying for a job several hours away. I don't know how I'd react were I in his shoes. It's pretty unfair to make him "not supporting your career" the punchline.

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Well I can see two sides to this. Basically the issue is less than stellar communication between you two.

His pouting isn't helpful, but at the same time, I understand his upset as you are a team and you took off running on something that is important to consider your partner about. You mentioned this is serious enough a relationship that you are talking marriage and you live together. I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner did what you did, even though I'd want to support him whatever his dreams may be. It's being left out of the conversation, being sprung with this - it impacts his life, job, everything if you are doing it as a couple.

 

Give him some time to cool off. Question: will you leave him if he doesn't volunteer to pull up stakes to go with you if you get this job?

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Yes, maybe you are right and it is unfair to him.

 

He is supporting your career just not you springing relocation on him - you two would then be long distance. Certainly if you told him from the beginning -or as soon as you knew -that you might need to relocate to pursue your career that's fine (I've had to do that and have had it done to me, in advance). I think if he's not someone you see as your forever person then definitely go for it - if he is your forever person then see if he'd be willing to do long distance where you commute on weekends. Would you have to work on weekends for this job?

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How long have you been dating? How long have you lived together? Are you serious about the relationship? Are you hoping he would move there with you or would be interested in a LDR?

 

What is there to talk about? Either you take the job and move there...or you don't. You can and should follow your dreams. Clearly your bf doesn't figure into your equation on this. That's fine, if that's what you want.

 

He's very accurate in stating that while he had plans for a future with you, you covertly had plans to move and work in another city. Don't use the "didn't think it would happen" excuse with him when you knowingly and deliberately applied to your dream job in another city.

 

In effect this is a constructive breakup. So it's unclear why you can't grasp why he's upset or "not supportive of your career". It's up to you to decide what you need to do, but why expect "support" for this?

I applied to a company, my dream company which happens to be in another city. I was super happy and excited and rushed over to tell my partner. if I go to this onsite interview I am afraid things will take a turn for the worse. This is my dream and I never expected it to actually happen. He gets very angry and says while he is dreaming of a future together, I am thinking of moving away and that it is selfish of me to do so.
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I had told him once it became a possibility. I had never expected it before. No, there would be no work on the weekends.
Logistically, it became a possibility the moment you applied. In effect, it was a possibility from the moment you considered applying. Take your pick, but what's for sure is waiting until after you've applied, after you've phone interviewed, and after you've been selected for the second round is not "once it became a possibility," as terrible a criteria it would be regardless.

 

There is no parallel universe in which this is how life-changing decisions are made within the context of an alleged serious relationship wherein marriage is being considered. Again, were your relationship in a vacuum or your boyfriend a robot, you might expect a more level response, but I think this is a level of shock and surprise most of us wouldn't know what to do with.

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I'm assuming you probably knew he wouldn't be up for moving, so instead of having a preliminary conversation of: My dream job is in X city. I'd like to apply, although it's a long shot I'll get it. What do you think?

 

You went behind his back and let the cards fall where they may. You delayed the inevitable reveal and he reacted in anger, since he'd been kept out of the loop. Plus, you mentioned he'd been upset about texts from your ex. Is a good morning message from an ex worth the bad feelings it gives to your bf? You don't seem to care how he feels about anything.

 

If a guy did this to me, I can't say that I'd want a regression of our relationship versus the progression I'd envisioned. Why would I want to enter into a more stressful LDR and then consider uprooting my career and putting distance between me and my friends and family for someone who didn't have the decency to discuss possible plans that would affect me, ahead of time?

 

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for a lifetime partner. If he's more important to you than a job, you will have to hear his thoughts of what the future will hold if you take the job or don't take it. If the job is more important and you will take it regardless of his feelings, then admit you don't love him enough to marry him and end things now so you don't waste anymore of his time, if he doesn't end things first.

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Does this ex just happen to be near this city where the dream job is? Why are you still getting lovey-dovey texts from an "ex"? It sounds like you are finding every possible way you can think of to get out of this relationship or inspire him to break up or simply get the hell out of town. Why is that?

The city is four hours by train and six hours by bus. He has called me selfish, not serious about our relation also unfaithful because I am still on speaking terms with my ex who occasionally sends a good morning
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OP, not gonna judge cause I went through/going through the same situation myself w my bf, although we are not living together, discussing marriage and mine is a contract job overseas for one year, so temporary.

 

Unlike your bf, my bf is very supportive, and we've decided to have LDR for one year.

 

That said, I ask you, how would you feel if the tables were turned and it was your bf who applied for his dream job in another city four hours away? Not a contract job with an end date, but permanently.

 

Would you be cool it, supportive?

 

Edit: The situation with your ex is very strange and frankly questionable and if I were your bf, I'd not be cool with that all, on any level. Might even be a deal breaker.

Edited by katrina1980
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I understand both your point of views BUT if he's talking about marriage...that's all it is, talk. I can see if there was a ring on your finger and the mortgage papers were signed, but if this is going to make you some good coin, he should reconsider your choice. He thinks you just pushed him aside and chased after your career...he has to know this isn't just about you, but it's about building a solid financial foundation for both your futures, so he needs to calm down.

 

The thing is tho, you haven't got the job yet...what if you don't get it, what then? He's a bit butt hurt, but I think he will get over it. You just need to explain to him this is for the both of you, not just for YOU. This is good timing....this will be a test if you two can work out a compromise, and accommodate each other...marriage is no picnic, so if you can't work this out, the marriage is going to be a flop too.

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Yeah so I gotta say, I've never understood this "No ring on my finger? *Initiate might-as-well-be-single YOLO mode*" mentality. No concrete plans to marry? By all means, don't consider yourself beholden to forfeit the opportunity to pursue your dream job. Hell, even if you were to have a ring on your finger. But there's a certain barebones level of respect one would hope you'd have for someone who's a serious live-in partner, whereby the fact you want to or are going to apply for a job four hours away would be divulged much sooner than when you're already a solid three steps into the process.

 

He doesn't "think" she pushed him aside to pursue this job. It's precisely what she did. That's not in any way saying she shouldn't pursue the job, but that there's a right way to do it if you're taking your relationship even half-seriously. While I don't know the guy, there's a 99.99% chance among the general healthy population that this situation would have gone 1000x better, even if not necessarily resulting in the relationship continuing, if she'd even just stated matter-of-factly, "Hey. This job popped up. It's my dream job. I have to apply for it. But I love you and in the meantime want to explore any ways it could turn out beneficial to both of us should I end up offered the position after all this."

 

And I'm pretty gung-ho when it comes to prioritizing life goals over your partner pretty much at any step of the way if that life goal is important enough to you. **** happens and roads split. But I couldn't imagine how I'd react before we'd gotten married or even engaged if my lady just came to me first time ever about a job, "So I'm traveling for a second round interview for a position four hours away next week." I'd honestly feel more respected if she spat in my face. What I could tell you for damn sure if I was considering a ring before then, I wouldn't be after.

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Well, your boyfriend is being grumpy and selfish. If he was a good boyfriend, he would support your decision. Four hours is just about the time of a train ride between Boston and New York, so I know how long it is, and you could easily work out a schedule of visiting each other alternating weeks. Plus, I wouldn't mind being in New York for the weekend. And if he wanted to, I'm sure he could get a job in the city and join you. You might want to give this relationship a cold, hard look to see if this guy is the right guy for you.

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Are you splitting the rent/living expenses now? Can you afford half his place and all of your local place? Or were you thinking of getting your own place near work and just "visiting" him weekends so he absorbs the cost?

The city is four hours by train and six hours by bus. So I was thinking of commuting on the weekends.
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Honestly, I think you should have talked about it - you can't say you are going to/want to marry someone and then not always talk about major things that affect the other person. Where you would live, how life would look are things that are a really big deal (i.e kids, who stays home with them for awhile, are you well anchored to where you live or are you open to moving, etc.?) I would not have taken this interview on a whim, i would have had him fully informed and would have talked about whether you as a couple find this as part of your goals to relocate.

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T

 

He has called me selfish, not serious about our relation also unfaithful (because I am still on speaking terms with my ex who occasionally sends a good morning) in the past but I had always assumed that is because he is angry and when people get angry they say stupid things. But they still hurt:icon_sad:

 

what the what??

Its better that he stays silent for a few hours than say something he might regret. But he is not saying something "mean to be hurtful" he is calling a spade a spade here.

honestly, if your ex sends you 'good morning' texts and you say "surprise, i am moving 4 hours away" - i would be beside myself. Its one thing to not be enemies with your ex - they are going for an interview and call you for the name of a colleague and such, but "good morning' texts are usually from people that are very familiar with you on a regular basis. You might not be sleeping with your ex, but you have poor boundaries if you allow another man to send you sweet "good morning" texts while you are rolling out of bed with another.

 

YES you are selfish for not having brought your BF in the loop about this at all, and your boundaries with you ex are way too loose.

sometimes the truth stings...

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Well, your boyfriend is being grumpy and selfish. If he was a good boyfriend, he would support your decision. Four hours is just about the time of a train ride between Boston and New York, so I know how long it is, and you could easily work out a schedule of visiting each other alternating weeks. Plus, I wouldn't mind being in New York for the weekend. And if he wanted to, I'm sure he could get a job in the city and join you. You might want to give this relationship a cold, hard look to see if this guy is the right guy for you.

 

This isn't the point. The point is that she didn't discuss any of with him. Even if he had been ok with the commute, he is right to be upset that she made a solo decision without at least making him aware of how it could impact him.

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This isn't the point. The point is that she didn't discuss any of with him. Even if he had been ok with the commute, he is right to be upset that she made a solo decision without at least making him aware of how it could impact him.
Yep. And thing is, even a solo decision would have been fine. If it's her dream, it's her dream. She's welcome commit herself to it and open a dialogue about seeing if they can explore a way to include him before she's already knee-deep in the process. If not for the sheer respect in cluing him in, then to allow him more time to look into the location she's headed to and what opportunities he may be able to explore. Had she saw the posting, told him what such a job would mean to her and her intent to apply, only for him to go off on her about being selfish and berate her, I'd actually be 100% be on her side. But what she did is very different and whether he'd have reacted this way regardless we'll now unfortunately never know.

 

Waiting until she'd applied, was invited for a phone interview and second round in person is what's crappy. It's not a matter of getting permission or the decision itself being open for debate. It's just among one of the most rudimentary of courtesies you could extend to someone you call a partner, and I don't see how anyone could consider themselves that of hers if this is the level of their inclusion.

Edited by j.man
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Hi All,

 

Me and my boyfriend are living together for a while, we are thinking of getting married. Recently I applied to a company, my dream company which happens to be in another city. I honestly never expected to hear from them. But they replied with an interview, this company is known for having notoriously difficult interviews. I was super happy and excited and rushed over to tell my partner. He got very angry that I hadn't consulted him before considering to apply for a job in another city and that I wasn't serious about the relationship. I was very hurt but I gave the extremely difficult telephonic interview and passed and got called for the onsite interview. My bf didn't speak properly to me for an entire day. Now if I go to this onsite interview I am afraid things will take a turn for the worse. This is my dream and I never expected it to actually happen. I cannot believe this is happening and am very confused. I have tried talking to him but it didn't help. He gets very angry and says while he is dreaming of a future together, I am thinking of moving away and that it is selfish of me to do so.

 

Can anybody give me some advice?

 

Regards,

 

This one is easy. If it's your dream - you are going to KICK YOURSELF until you die that you never followed thru with it and see.

IN the end this sounds pessimistic but it is true. Yo have to live for you and what's right in front of you and to go for your dreams. You just HAVE to.

 

I call it my "deathbed method". Imagine if you DON'T go thru with this - aren't you going to wonder the rest of your life "what if..." if you went after your dream job at your dream company? Of course you are! And guess what.. that NEVER comes back. You can't turn back time and get a 2nd chance at the interivew you just got offered today. Could you get another chance at being married? Absolutely. Whether it's your current bf or a future bf (b/c I question anybody that wouldnt' support you going after your DREAM as being the right lifemate for you).

 

Imagine you on your deathbed. What woudl the dying you with 1 week to live tell you to do with this? Interivew and see what happens and have the option to get it? Or chuck that to posisbly marry somebody that got mad at you for pursuing your dream?

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