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My ex broke up with her boyfriend


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My ex and I were together for 4 years from the age of 15-19. Once I started college things went down hill, I cheated alot and I took her for granted. Our realtionship ended very badly. Two years on, I'm now 21 and she's 22. The longest we went without talking was 3/4 months and she agreed to meet up with me a few times even when she had a new boyfriend. She was going out with this guy for almost 1.5 years but they broke up yesterday. She messaged me saying that he broke up with her and they defo will not be getting back together. She told me last night she felt like calling me. I tried for two years to get her back to make things up to her, I love her dearly and I told her just last week that I'm still in love with her and ever since I seen her over summer that I have been unable to consider dating another girl. Now she single, I really want to try and make it work, she seems to be very upset and I know she wants me to be there for her so right now, I just want her to feel better, but how should I approach trying to get her back and do you guys think there is a chance?

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Situations like this is always nasty. It's one of those "if things were meant to be, they would have worked out to begin with."

 

I've seen way more situations like yours that end up in breakup/divorce repeatedly with the ex over the next 5-10 years, than be successful. Those that were successful it boiled down to why they broke up to begin with, and what other problem(s) they may have had during the relationship.

 

If you wish to spend the next XX years of your life having to prove to someone who's trust you've already lost that you're better, then so be it. Though I don't know of genuine advice that could help, as it would all be a game.

 

I do not believe there is a chance, nor would I imagine wanting one for the two of you. In your teens you cheated, more than once. A lot according to your own word. No trust is left. No reason for there to be. You didn't and don't love her. Love grows, evolves. Love isn't a simple emotion that has you cheating on the very person you claim to love, over and over. You're still young. 4 years is nothing from a teen to lower 20's. 19-22 is nothing for a time range either. In other words, you haven't really......"suffered." You haven't fallen for someone else only to have your own heart broken by them. You probably haven't even attempted to become a better version of yourself that's completely separate of her --in other words "Ignore her, it's time for me to move on and do something meaningful in this world. It's time for me to step up and take my own life seriously for myself." And that's okay, you're only 22. No twenty two year old really does think or behave like that.

 

All in all, your last sentence truly explains it all as to why this would only be a game. And that is, though you recognize she is currently hurt and upset, you've set the premise of wanting to be there, with the ultimate goal of trying to get her back.... NOT being there for her solely to be there and support her (ie you're taking advantage of her moment of weakness to slide in to your own benefit or pleasure). It will never work out between you two for that reason alone, and why you are best moving on to work on yourself while dating and getting to know other women if you must.

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A relationship that ended in cheating will have a lot of trust issues in it from her side...

 

You'll have to do an awful lot to prove you've changed!

 

That said why did you cheat in the first place? How do you know you won't take her forgranted again?

 

She has reached out due to her being single. This does not mean she necessarily wants you back either.

 

That said people get back together after cheating all the time. Some of those relationships end happy. Some don't.

 

If you want to pursue this you have to promise to never ever treat her that way again and be patient with her. Let her lead the way and don't push for anything.

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Yeah, I agree with Jellybean. I would also emphasize that since she just broke up yesterday, you have to give her time to heal. If you push her, you could wind up in a 3-4 month "rebound" relationship where she just uses the relationship to get her self-confidence back and then moves on leaving you behind in the dust.

 

And definitely, you can't be the same boyfriend you were before with cheating and taking her for granted. The minute she senses any trust issues or problems, she's going to be gone.

 

Also, she may only be looking for a friend right now, so you might want to hold your horses and not make any moves on her for some time. Just let her be a shoulder to cry on. Be there for her and not because you want to start things up again. But if you want a chance with her, you've got to show her you're a better man than you were in high school.

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Be careful to not get in her friendzone by being a shoulder to cry on. Is she on/off with this guy?

going out with this guy for almost 1.5 years but they broke up yesterday. She messaged me saying that he broke up with her and they defo will not be getting back together. She told me last night she felt like calling me. I just want her to feel better, but how should I approach trying to get her back and do you guys think there is a chance?
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My ex and I were together for 4 years from the age of 15-19. Once I started college things went down hill, I cheated alot and I took her for granted. Our realtionship ended very badly. Two years on, I'm now 21 and she's 22. The longest we went without talking was 3/4 months and she agreed to meet up with me a few times even when she had a new boyfriend. She was going out with this guy for almost 1.5 years but they broke up yesterday. She messaged me saying that he broke up with her and they defo will not be getting back together. She told me last night she felt like calling me. I tried for two years to get her back to make things up to her.

 

I love her dearly and I told her just last week that I'm still in love with her and ever since I seen her over summer that I have been unable to consider dating another girl. Now she single, I really want to try and make it work, she seems to be very upset and I know she wants me to be there for her so right now, I just want her to feel better, but how should I approach trying to get her back and do you guys think there is a chance?

 

I have a couple of questions I hope you will answer.

 

First bolded - Did you feel you loved her while you were cheating and took her for granted? If you did, then what was your thought process at that time that caused you to take her for granted and cheat? I'm just genuinely curious what you were thinking; I also think your answer might help others in the same position as you; this seems to happen a lot.

 

Second bolded -- If the answer to first question was no, you did not feel that you loved her while in the RL, what made you realize after you had broken up that you did? Like did the feelings you didn't have while in the RL suddenly resurface once you had broken up, or did it take awhile after that for you to realize you do love her?

 

And third question, what sort of introspection, what have you learned to assure that if you do get back together, you won't take her for granted again and cheat again?

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My advice is to figure out why you cheated, not once, but so many times. The cheating was not about her, it was about you. What is/was within you that caused you to cheat?

 

And to let her go, and let her find peace and love, with someone where there are no cheating memories. She would forever look over her shoulder if you got back together.

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you let her mourn and get over her ex-.

you make sure you are not a rebound relationship for her (b/c i think she'd still be a rebound relationship for you).

 

If you REALLY want to know if you're supposed to be together... break off contact while she heals for a few months and then see if by summer you both feel the same way. Then you'll know. Otherwise - this has trouble and REBOUND written all over it.

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The amateur psychologist in me thinks you just want what you can't have. As soon as you have her back, you'll be back to your old cheating ways. Cheating is usually a lifetime sport for cheaters.

 

You cheated on someone you claim to love. People change, and sometimes they deserve another chance. The problem is, she'll probably never fully trust you again. You'll become angry and resentful that she doesn't trust you.

 

She's probably rebounding. She's probably just lonely and knows you're there.

 

Really at the end of the day, you both should just start fresh with others. You two have probably run your course.

 

The gambler in me gives 1:1,000,000 odds of you getting back together.

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I told her that I still loved her today and but that I right now, I just want to make sure she's okay and now isn't the time to try and prove it. She responded by saying that she agreed, but then went on to talk about how the number of people she had sex with is bound to increase now and how that annoyed her. I told her that obv would find it hard to deal with if she went and had sex with other people when I'm single and trying to prove myself to her. She also then metioned how the, "hottest guy" agreed to meet with her after I asked her how she was feeling yesterday.

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Now it's clear she is just sticking it to you for your cheating on her. Let this go. It's going to get very ugly for you.

She responded by saying that she agreed, but then went on to talk about how the number of people she had sex with is bound to increase now and how that annoyed her. She also then metioned how the, "hottest guy" agreed to meet with her after I asked her how she was feeling yesterday.
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Bear in mind I was very young when we first started dating, she had been with alot of guys before me and she was my first everything to be honest, my first proper kiss as well. When we staretd having sex, I got frustarted that she had been in sexual realtionships before and I hadn't. I thought that if I kissed other people/ had sex with other people it would help me to deal with her sexual history. I didn't. It got worse and worse and I began to resent her for her past and looking back, I've no idea why it was so irrational. I became almost blinded by jealosuly and hatred with her being with other peopel before me.

 

About a week after we broke up, she turned to me and said she didn't love me anymore, I guess I just began to realise what love actually was and that I was in love. I missed her caring, I missed her asking about my day, I missed so many things about her. It wasn't untill she was properly gone that I felt this deep absence that nothing could fill. My dad had passed away about 6 months before this break up and I can tell you the pain that I felt when she left and the emotion I felt was just as intense. I tried to tell myself I didn't care about her but I just couldn't get her out of my head and two years later I still feel incredibely in love with her. I have tried to be with other people but no one compares to her. I'm not sure why I feel like this.

 

I stayed single for a very long time, I changed my life around, I did so many things to improve as a person and I spent the summer travelling alone through south america. I did alot of solo trips and I took up photogrpahy. I spent alot of time thinking about the type of person who I was and the person who I wanted to be. I can finally say that now I feel I am the person who I always wanted beand I'm someone who she would want to be with, regardless of what happened in the last. I think that she is testing me to see if I will snap at her when she brings up other people, because I used to have serious problems with other people. She also seems to be hurt at the fact I too had sex with other people. I know you all may think that hope is lost and once a cheater always cheater. But I don't think that is the case with me, I turly love this girl, I haven't dated or had sex with anyone since I last seen her over summer 3 months ago because I realsied I did love her and what's the point in lying to yourself.

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Why are you two, as young adults, still playing true confessions like children about sexual pasts. Sadly all the hobbies, dating, soul searching, etc is great but talking to her has brought you both back to bad high school insecurities and jealousies. You seem to bring the worst out in each other.

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About a week after we broke up, she turned to me and said she didn't love me anymore, I guess I just began to realise what love actually was and that I was in love. I missed her caring, I missed her asking about my day, I missed so many things about her.

 

It wasn't untill she was properly gone that I felt this deep absence that nothing could fill.

 

I am not gonna judge you because from what I've read, heard and actually experienced, this is quite common especially among young men, who haven't fully developed emotionally and as such not fully in touch with their feelings.

 

Because of this, often times they (young men and even not so young) can't seem to realize how they feel when their gf right there in front of him, it's only when she gone when they start to realize it, which is what happened with you.

 

That is why I asked if you've done introspection and sorted your feelings out, to assure that IF you were to get back together, and once again she is right there in front of you, you don't revert back to being uncertain, because that happens a lot too, and it's very painful for the woman.

 

Anyway it does sound like you've matured some and recognized the error of your ways, so I wish you luck as you move forward, whether together with her, alone or eventually with someone else.

 

Try and deal with your jealousy issues because as we all get older and more experienced, every woman you meet and get involved with is going to have a past, including a sexual past, and if you can't deal with that properly, and insist on sabotaging by cheating, etc as you did with your ex, you're going to have a very difficult time in any RL.

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I have to wonder what made you choose a promiscuous young girl to be your first everything. How old was she then - 14, 15?! And already had been with many guys.

 

You could have chosen any girl to date. In my experience, young girls that age don't get into that unless there's some underlying real issues going on for them. And the boys they attract, tend to have their issues as well.

 

This sets a tone for how you view dating, sex, relationship, love. And it's not a healthy one.

You went down even deeper by plummeting into becoming a cheating guy.

 

Rather than pursue her further, why not figure out now, why you chose this road for yourself. This isn't how loving someone has to look. Why jade yourself further ?!

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then went on to talk about how the number of people she had sex with is bound to increase now and how that annoyed her. I told her that obv would find it hard to deal with if she went and had sex with other people when I'm single and trying to prove myself to her. She also then metioned how the, "hottest guy" agreed to meet with her after I asked her how she was feeling yesterday.

 

Eh, she doesn't take you seriously and still has a ton of growing up to do herself.

 

Your relationship with her died a long time ago. She likes that you pay attention to her, but she is on the hunt for someone else.

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