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I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle. How should I handle this situation?


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A good friend that I have been spending more time with has expressed interest in becoming more than friends. She and I have have been very direct and honest with each other so far. She has told me she thinks we'd be a great couple. I have told her that may very well be true, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now.

 

Because we have talked about getting into a relationship, I decided that I should take her out on at least one date this weekend (a date which is now scheduled). The problem is, I also want to tell her that it would probably be best for both of us, at least for now, to remain friends, due to our specific circumstances. I want to treat the date as something more casual, and I also hoped that it would make up for all the confusion I have caused her.

 

So, I feel like my reasons for going on the date are conflicting because basically I'm saying "Hey, I think we should just be friends right now, but let's go out on a date because we talked about being more than friends." Am I going bonkers? Should I contact her to clarify my intentions going into the date, and if I do, should I just explain to her what I just explained in this post? Or are the reasons I've explained a complete mess?

 

Thanks!

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Be very specific about what you want. This is another persons heart you're dealing with so make sure you know what you're doing.

 

If you want to date her, then let this date be your first date.

 

If you don't want to date her, then tell her when you see her that you thought seeing each other would be a good time to tell her that she means a lot to you as a friend but that you only want to keep it as a friendship.

 

Decide one way or the other otherwise you will confuse and hurt her.

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Well, a first date with anyone should be pretty casual. A delicate feeling out for romantic potential.

 

Which, in this case, is a little tricky, since you guys know each other, are close, and she's expressed interest in more.

 

So, what are your feelings on that front? Would you like to explore that potential, too? Are you attracted to her? Or are you going on a date because it feels like the nice—um, friendly—thing to do?

 

If it's the latter—not cool, not even friendly. If it's the former, feel it out, and just be straight—with her, with yourself.

 

I had a situation like this years ago, when a friend expressed interest in dating me. I was shocked, frankly. Didn't think of her like that, had no idea she'd even entertained such thoughts about me, so it wasn't like the feelings just clicked on. We went on two dates, kissed, but the chemistry just wasn't quite there. We went back to friends, easy.

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Well, you left out a very important piece of data in your story -- what are the "specific circumstances" for you not being able to have a relationship? Do you still need more time from your past relationship to heal? Are you afraid of opening your heart again?

 

Go out on a date with her. She wants to open her heart to you. That's a rare thing. What's wrong with her that you don't want to date her? She'll take your mind off your ex.

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I don't think this date is a good idea, OP.

 

She is going into thinking "Yes!!!" and you are "meh...we should just be friends." She's going to likely get excited, get dolled up, imagine what it might be like to hold hands or kiss you - just for you to tell her you don't want to be more than friends. Ouch.

 

My suggestion is that you explain to her what you've told us here. Don't proceed with a date you're this lukewarm about before it even gets off the ground.

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It seems in an attempt to make up for the confusion I've caused, I'm causing more confusion. Only me.

 

Part of me thinks it worth exploring the potential because I realize that we could potentially be a good couple. We seem to get along well. We have some common interests. One thing that concerns me are our differing beliefs, which I suppose can be worked out without too many problems.

 

To throw a wrench in things, I am feeling more attracted to someone else at the moment, which is probably the biggest issue I'm facing in making a decision. I suppose I am not being honest enough with myself in this whole situation, huh?

 

I can let you all know what I decide to say. I'm going to try to tell her something within the next day because the date is on Friday. So far I'm just thinking about contacting her and saying "Since we were talking about dating, I figured we should go out on at least one date. I'm honestly still feeling uncertain about things, so I would appreciate it if we could keep it casual." Something like that? I'd hate to cancel a date I put into place.

Edited by ArchieAnon
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I still stand with my opinion, don't do that to her.

 

You will essentially be letting her think there's a chance only to change your mind or be unsure.

 

What I mean is, I don't think it's wise to go on a date when you're that unsure and especially if you're feeling attracted to someone else.

 

That sounds like a good recipe for hurting her.

 

Keep it a friendship. Less confusion for you and less uncertainty and potential heartache for her.

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Whose idea was this date? I’m assuming it was her idea? It sounds like you’re not into it so you should probably tell her ahead a time. I agree with one of the posters above who said dates are supposed to be fun and casual and something you’re looking forward to, and it sounds like you’re dreading it. If she’s your friend, you need to tell her.

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To throw a wrench in things, I am feeling more attracted to someone else at the moment, which is probably the biggest issue I'm facing in making a decision. I suppose I am not being honest enough with myself in this whole situation, huh?

 

I can let you all know what I decide to say. I'm going to try to tell her something within the next day because the date is on Friday. So far I'm just thinking about contacting her and saying "Since we were talking about dating, I figured we should go out on at least one date. I'm honestly still feeling uncertain about things, so I would appreciate it if we could keep it casual." Something like that? I'd hate to cancel a date I put into place.

 

Okay, I think you want to cancel. You're into someone else. Does she know this?

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Part of me thinks it worth exploring the potential because I realize that we could potentially be a good couple. We seem to get along well. We have some common interests. One thing that concerns me are our differing beliefs, which I suppose can be worked out without too many problems.

 

To throw a wrench in things, I am feeling more attracted to someone else at the moment, which is probably the biggest issue I'm facing in making a decision. I suppose I am not being honest enough with myself in this whole situation, huh?

 

 

Getting along well and having common interests, do not a good "couple" make, romantically speaking.

 

What's missing is something called called "sexual attraction" and "romantic chemistry/energy," so frankly not sure why you are even considering this "date" and it being more.

 

You are not "unsure" of your feelings, it appears you are quite aware of your feelings, or lack thereof, not to mention you are attracted to another woman!

 

You can't force attraction/chemistry just because you get on well and have common interests or because someone looks good on paper.

 

You are friends, and unless Cupid's arrow miraculously hits you over the head during the night, I would suggest you get honest with her before this "date" otherwise you could potentially lose the friendship.

 

You are misleading her and that is wrong and ultimately very hurtful.

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You're overthinking this.

 

It's as if you think you two should be more than friends because you have common interests and are good friends.

 

Sounds like you're trying to force it because logistically speaking, it just makes sense (you're trying to convince yourself). Even in your post #6, it sounds like you're saying, "Well, it sounds like it should work, and it looks good on paper".

 

It doesn't sound like the attraction or the romantic interest is there on your part though.

 

I'd tread cautiously here because she's clearly interested in you, and therefore, no doubt, really looking forward to this date on Friday!

 

Be honest with yourself, Archie. Do you have any romantic feelings for her? If not, I'd call it a day on the date; otherwise you're getting her hopes up.

Edited by milly007
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It's great you were honest with her. Don't string her along. Why is she suddenly interested? Did she break up with someone? Make the date more like friends hanging out and mention that you would rather stay friends.

She has told me she thinks we'd be a great couple. I have told her that may very well be true, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now. I also want to tell her that it would probably be best for both of us, at least for now, to remain friends, due to our specific circumstances
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Definitely don't string her along... even if you set boundaries on the date, you still give her hope that you might change your mind. It's probably best to cancel before going on the date and let her know you changed your mind. Yes you might look like a bit of a flake but it's better than taking her out and dashing her hopes later on.

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A good friend that I have been spending more time with has expressed interest in becoming more than friends. She and I have have been very direct and honest with each other so far. She has told me she thinks we'd be a great couple. I have told her that may very well be true, but I'm unsure about my feelings right now.

 

Because we have talked about getting into a relationship, I decided that I should take her out on at least one date this weekend (a date which is now scheduled). The problem is, I also want to tell her that it would probably be best for both of us, at least for now, to remain friends, due to our specific circumstances. I want to treat the date as something more casual, and I also hoped that it would make up for all the confusion I have caused her.

 

So, I feel like my reasons for going on the date are conflicting because basically I'm saying "Hey, I think we should just be friends right now, but let's go out on a date because we talked about being more than friends." Am I going bonkers? Should I contact her to clarify my intentions going into the date, and if I do, should I just explain to her what I just explained in this post? Or are the reasons I've explained a complete mess?

 

Thanks!

 

yes.

you're giving conflicting messages

definitely CLEAR IT UP and make sure it's clear that for now, you can only see you guys as friends and anythign you do together is in the spirit of being JUST friends.

i would cancel the date to let that sink in real good for her - then pick it up again after the new year.

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