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Does this OLD experience have red flags written all over it


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Three months ago, I went on one date with a guy I met on Tinder, which went very well. He initiated a bunch of texting after the date and there was talk of meeting up again. A week later, I got a text saying that although he liked me he had recently reconnected with a college friend and felt like he owed her to stop pursuing other women. I wished him best of luck and moved on.

 

Fast forward to 3 months, we matched on Tinder again. He reached out immediately and after exchanging a few messages on the app suggested we meet to catch up. I was going away on vacation, so we made plans to meet in two weeks time. I didn’t hear a word from him while I was away, but he did come though the day I got back and we met up for our date as planned.

 

The date went well and he texted me the following day to ask me out again to which I agreed. A few hours later he texted me again to ask if I was free that same evening. Because we already had a date planned I though what the heck and agreed to meet him. We talked a lot, made out a bit and had swell time (he did suggest we continue at his place, which I refused). After the date, he texted me to find out if I got home safe and said that he was excited to see me the next week.

 

He texted a few times during in the week preceding the date to check in. Our late afternoon date went just as well as all the other ones. After he dropped me off at home and left, I realized that I was locked out until my roommates was back in a few hours. I texted him to ask if he wanted to continue our date. He suggested I come to his place since he was already back home. The house visit ended up being very PG-13. We made out a bit on a couch (he wasn’t handsy at all) and went to grab a bite later.

 

Next day I got a text from him saying that he’s had a great time. I thanked him for coming to my rescue and invited him to join me at an activity I was going to do that week (we discussed it briefly when we met). His reply was that his schedule was packed because he was going home in 10 days. I was kinda taken aback because there was absolutely no mention of us not seeing each other for 3 weeks and because he made no mention of seeing each other after he gets back. I wished him a good trip home to which he replied that he MAY catch me before he leaves.

 

Since he acted over the top lovey dovey during our dates and was doing all the right things in terms of planning dates and following up, I got caught off guard by this sort of unenthusiastic response. In my book, this sort of behavior has “he’s just not that into me” written all over it, but maybe I am just being a bit crazy and expecting too much from a new guy in my life. It would be nice to hear what other people think.

 

P.S. I got some feedback on another forum that I was crazy for wanting to date a guy who "rejected" me. I may be weird but I just have hard time mustering any sort of resentment towards a person who knew me for the total of 3 hours before deciding that he wanted to pursue a friend who was probably pushing for exclusivity. In my mind, he didn't reject ME; he rejected is a random woman he met on Tinder he thought was cute. A while back I had a major crush on a coworker, who ended up with another coworker after knowing me for several years. Now that really hurt and I would never in a million years want to have anything to do with him romantically (although we are all still pretty good friends).

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You don't mention if you made sure he had broken up with that other girl. Are you sure they are no longer seeing one another?

 

yeah ...I was wondering that ...

 

I am well into marley time here so everything is a bit cloudy ...but I am confused as hell here .....what did he do wrong ...he is going away in 10 days and is mega busy ...so hopes to see you before he goes ....or is it that he is seeing the other one ...oh I don't know

 

TWT has more sense then me ..listen to her ...I love her

 

and you call yourself baffledgirl ...I am baffled longstocking

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You don't mention if you made sure he had broken up with that other girl. Are you sure they are no longer seeing one another?

 

I didn't want to come on too strong with interrogation right off the bad and was going to do my due diligence once I established that I am actually interested in dating him. Given that he was canceling dates to be with that other person, I assumed he would not be someone who'd be looking for sidepieces on Tinder, but obviously you don't know for sure till you ask (and even then lol).

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I didn't want to come on too strong with interrogation right off the bad and was going to do my due diligence once I established that I am actually interested in dating him. Given that he was canceling dates to be with that other person, I assumed he would not be someone who'd be looking for sidepieces on Tinder, but obviously you don't know for sure till you ask (and even then lol).

 

You have every right to ask him , he already ended the comminication once to be with her .... own this ...don't be afraid to get the facts before continuing

 

ps comminication is a new word :eek:

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he is going away in 10 days and is mega busy ...so hopes to see you before he goes ....or is it that he is seeing the other one ...oh I don't know

 

It caught me off guard because he made no mention of going away for three weeks until he refused my invitation to do something we discussed possibly doing together on our last date. I am also of the opinion that few people are so busy that they cannot meetup for an hour with someone they like before going away for three weeks. Would you not agree?

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I didn't want to come on too strong with interrogation right off the bad and was going to do my due diligence once I established that I am actually interested in dating him. Given that he was canceling dates to be with that other person, I assumed he would not be someone who'd be looking for sidepieces on Tinder, but obviously you don't know for sure till you ask (and even then lol).

 

That would have been my first question since he stopped seeing you to go out with her exclusively. A "Did it not work out with your college date then?"

 

Pippy asks a good question though... Why are you thinking he's not interested just because he was too busy before going away to set anything concrete up?

 

I'd just get on with my life and see what he does when he's away (as far as contact goes) without having any expectations and see if he picks things up again when he gets back. You've been on three dates and that's not enough to be thinking so much about any of it, really.

 

Enjoy your own holiday season and put him on the shelf for now.

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You have every right to ask him , he already ended the comminication once to be with her .... own this ...don't be afraid to get the facts before continuing

 

I probably will never hear from him again, but I will definitely ask if he somehow manages to turn this thing around and proves himself a considerate courter :)

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It caught me off guard because he made no mention of going away for three weeks until he refused my invitation to do something we discussed possibly doing together on our last date. I am also of the opinion that few people are so busy that they cannot meetup for an hour with someone they like before going away for three weeks. Would you not agree?

 

ahh well I can see you would be taken aback at this new news considering you had spent all that time together , I would have thought christmas plans would have just been part and parcel of chatting . Yeah it seems reasonable to fit in someone for an hour before leaving ... but ...he may be busy really busy ..So I don't agree fully no .

I would see what his communication is like from this point forward .

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I'd just get on with my life and see what he does when he's away (as far as contact goes) without having any expectations and see if he picks things up again when he gets back. You've been on three dates and that's not enough to be thinking so much about any of it, really.

 

Enjoy your own holiday season and put him on the shelf for now.

 

there you go ^^^^ told you to listen to her ...that covers it for me as well .

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Why are you thinking he's not interested just because he was too busy before going away to set anything concrete up?

 

So you wouldn't expect the guy you've been going out with to volunteer the information about him not being available for the next three weeks? When he texted me after the date to say that he had nice time, wasn't it a perfect opportunity to mention that he'll be away for the Holidays but would love to see me afterwards - that is if he actually liked me and wanted to go out again?

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If you never hear from him again then you can pretty much chalk it up to you not putting out when you were at his place or him at yours. Or... he's still seeing her and that's why he never mentioned going away for three weeks so as to keep questions at a minimum.

 

Anyway, time will tell. Me? I probably wouldn't have gone out with him again if he stopped dating me to be with someone else and was cancelling dates with me to accommodate her.

 

Let us know if you hear from him again.

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Come on, girls. He was hoping for sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it unless it turned into a relationship, and he didn't want that. It is Tinder after all. Suddenly he's busy for the next three weeks. Yeah, right.

 

If you're looking for a relationship, this guy isn't it!

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Come on, girls. He was hoping for sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it unless it turned into a relationship, and he didn't want that. It is Tinder after all. Suddenly he's busy for the next three weeks. Yeah, right.

 

If you're looking for a relationship, this guy isn't it!

 

this is very likely except he didn't really seem to try to get laid and kept his hands to himself at his place (perhaps he was expecting me to jump him because he thinks he's hot sh*t lol).

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Actually, I am a baffled as to why you think after only three dates, he owed it to you to tell you he'd be done for ten days. Maybe owed is the wrong word but clearly you're miffed that he hadn't mentioned it before this.

 

He told you when it was relevant to tell you.

 

Slow your roll and agree with TWT -- "I'd just get on with my life and see what he does when he's away (as far as contact goes) without having any expectations and see if he picks things up again when he gets back. You've been on three dates and that's not enough to be thinking so much about any of it, really."

 

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Not sure how old you two are, but it's pretty common for people to head home for the holidays, particularly if you're in college or college-aged. I also don't put much stake in the first "rejection." But equally possible is that he did just want a lay. Two dates in, you don't and likely won't know. All you know is your own boundaries and, so long as you assert them, whatever intentions someone else may have are irrelevant.

 

In your shoes, I'd continue to play it low-key as you should be at this early stage in the game. He gets back to you before he leaves, good deal. If not, it's up to you how big of a deal breaker it is should he decide to get back in touch after his travels.

 

Honestly, it just sounds like much ado over someone you've encountered three times in the grand scheme of your life. If you want to write him off, write him off. If not, don't. If he has lost interest, you may not even have the choice, which makes it that much easier.

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I am a bit baffled as to why you think after only three dates, he owed it to you to tell you he'd be done for ten days. Maybe owed is the wrong word but clearly you're miffed that he hadn't mentioned it before this.

 

I do not think he owes me anything. What I am trying to do is assess a person's level of interest based on the information that is available to me ;) I'm under impression that a normal pace of early stages of dating is about one date a week, so if a guy knows that he's not going to see you for three weeks but wants to keep your interest, it would stand to reason that he'd want to give you some sort of heads up.

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Not sure how old you two are, but it's pretty common for people to head home for the holidays, particularly if you're in college or college-aged.

 

We are in early 30s and I have absolutely zero issue with him going away for holidays. I'd just think that a guy who likes you would not leave you hanging wondering if/when the next date is going to happen. I am basically just trying to enlist some outside help in gauging the fella's level of interest based on how things have been progressing. I understand it is a futile effort but then most of the posts on this forum are people wondering about sh*t they have no control over, so I though it was a fitting place as fitting place to discuss this as any ;)

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I do not think he owes me anything. What I am trying to do is assess a person's level of interest based on the information that is available to me ;) I'm under impression that a normal pace of early stages of dating is about one date a week, so if a guy knows that he's not going to see you for three weeks but wants to keep your interest, it would stand to reason that he'd want to give you some sort of heads up.

 

Well yeah that's why I said "owed" was the wrong word but was hoping you'd get my (and TwT's point) regardless.

 

Your logic is flawed imo because he did tell you, he did give you the heads up, when it was relevant to do so.

 

He just didn't tell you according to your specific (and imo rigid) timetable, and expectations after only three dates, which is on you, not him.

 

Frankly I would feel awkward telling a man I only had three dates with that I would be gone for ten days, until such time he asked me out within that time period and then I would tell him. Or he asked me what I was doing during that time period or something to the like.

 

I mean, how do I know he would even ask me out again? Announcing something like that is presumptuous after only three dates. Three dates does not a "relationship" make.

 

No one is obligated or whatever word you want to use to be accountable for their time to someone they've only had three dates with, again until it's relevant as it was here.

 

Honestly I really think it would be in your best interests to lower your expectations of what a man should do or not do, or should tell you or not tell you, in these early stages and especially after only a few dates.

 

Him not telling you prior to when he did has no bearing on his interest level. None, zip, nada.

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Come on, girls. He was hoping for sex. He realized he wasn't going to get it unless it turned into a relationship, and he didn't want that. It is Tinder after all. Suddenly he's busy for the next three weeks. Yeah, right.

 

If you're looking for a relationship, this guy isn't it!

 

I totally agree with this!!!!

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Honestly I really think it would be in your best interests to lower your expectations of what a man should do or not do, or should tell you or not tell you, in these early stages and especially after only a few dates. Him not telling you prior to when he did has no bearing on his interest level. None, zip, nada.

 

I appreciate your feedback :) although I don't necessarily agree that there should be no expectations when it comes to early dating. For instance I do expect a man I just started dating not to text me for late night get togethers and I do expect a man who's interested in to plan dates in advance and to remember at least some things I told him about myself. I suppose it's not about expectations but rather about standards of behavior that you'd like the other person to meet. I understand that it's up to me to decide if I should continue seeing a guy who may be not meeting some of these standards.

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We are in early 30s and I have absolutely zero issue with him going away for holidays. I'd just think that a guy who likes you would not leave you hanging wondering if/when the next date is going to happen. I am basically just trying to enlist some outside help in gauging the fella's level of interest based on how things have been progressing. I understand it is a futile effort but then most of the posts on this forum are people wondering about sh*t they have no control over, so I though it was a fitting place as fitting place to discuss this as any ;)
I mean, I don't know what all you expected dating someone toward the beginning of what's the most common traveling season in the Western world. It happens and people often can't guarantee time for people they actually have made a meaningful investment in, much less someone they've gone on two dates with. If you wanted someone you could depend on scheduling and going on regular dates with, I think you chose a pretty ****ty time of year to do so. And, in fairness to the skepticism some have, it's likely some people know it's a tumultuous time and do date with less intention because of it. I think I've said it every year on these forums, but the holidays are a horrid time to start dating someone if you've got a thin skin or are insecure.

 

I'd focus less on trying to read his mind and his level of interest and focus on your own threshold. What's your interest level? Why not see if he doesn't in fact get around to seeing you before he leaves? Would you be resentful if he didn't but proceeded to contact you in three weeks when he's returned? The only person you know and can control is yourself. Dating should be enjoyable, and if you find yourself not having fun, that means something's gotta give.

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I'd put it out of mind. Honestly, and it's just my take, I think it's established already that the dating is going to be rather casual. He invited you in to his super early. He asked for a squeeze in date, you agreed. You called him up after an outside date was done and went over to his house. I'm not judging you at all. Only saying I wouldn't expect formal dating with how it's gone down so far.

 

Have a good holiday season, and if he pops back up after, you can take it from there if you are still interested.

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