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Very Angry at Fiance for making plans with a woman colleague !!


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Hello everyone I haven't been active in this forum for a very long time because of the many obligations I have had during this year.

 

I live in Europe. Now I am a graduated medical doctor working as a general doctor. Excuse my spelling mistakes english is my second language.

 

I think the last time I posted in here is a year ago or a year and a half ago when I was not yet engaged and had other relationship issues, since then things have been going pretty well overall.

 

My boyfriend and I got engaged 6 months ago. I'll just cut to the chase of the problem:

My fiancé is also a doctor and one of the staff members at his work was going to retire and so they organised a staff dinner party.

 

At first my fiance said he didn't feel like going and was not planning to, then the next day we met he said that he had decided to go because he didn't want to stand out as the only one that does not go. I was like ok that's cool. It was about 5pm when we had met for coffee and the dinner was starting at 8.

 

As we were chatting he getts a text message reads it, and immediately erases it but writes something back before deleting it. He thinks I didn't notice that he did that. So I didn't say anything because I wasn't quite sure what went on.

We continued our conversation and he again got a text, but this time before deleting it again I told him hey why won't you put your phone on the table who is texting you. He was like I asked a nurse when the dinner party was starting. (This nurse is someone that has a crush on my fiancé he even admited it ). I took my fiancé's phone and read the text and she had wrote "let's meet for coffee before the dinner party and then we'll go to the dinner party together".

 

I was so upset. I told him why he had to ask excatly this nurse that has a crush on him when he could have asked a million other staff members on what time the dinner party starts. He said that he asked others and they hadn't yet responded and that she is his friend and can talk easier to her.

I told him he knew when the dinner party starts and that was just an excuse to find out if this nurse will be at the dinner party and also an excuse to make plans with her on going to the dinner party together and have coffee with her before that.

 

Once I found out, he then wrote a text back to her to tell her that he will be going straight to the dinner party meaning that he will not meet her before the dinner party but will go straight there alone.

 

I was still very angry why he would accept on making plans with a nurse that clearly is interested in him (eventhough he is engaged to me).

And told him he is sneaky because he deleted her message before my face. He said he knew I would get upset she was texting him and that's why he had to delete it.

 

I told him I am very upset that he was the first one that texted her asking her what time the dinner party was when he could of asked any other colleague. I told him that he had iniciated the conversation of course she will respond. And also told him why would he text and make plans with a nurse that he knows and everyone knows that she clearly has a crush on him !!!!

 

He said that the plan wasn't just him and the nurse meeting beforehand and that if they would have met another man colleague would be coming, it wouldn't have been just the two of them. But I didn't buy that.

 

P.s. it never bothers me when she texts him for work related issues.

 

I am SO angry I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed 😥

 

I told him if he is bored by me or wants to break off the egagement he should just say so he doesn't have to do things behind my back.

 

He said I am being unreasonably jealous and acting schizophrenic !! I am also angry about his namecalling towards me.

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A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

 

Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

 

Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.

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A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

 

Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

 

We are all in the same profession so we know each other, I had my obligated

medical training in their department in the hospial once I had graduated and this woman didn't even say hello to me. And my boyfriend told me a story how the other nurses told him that this nurse has a crush on him.

 

So we both know she has a crush on him.

 

She had texted him before for work related issues but nothing like this.

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Ugh.

 

Well, reading through this I think you guys have some real, deeper issues to work out before you get married. Out of curiosity, has jealousy/mistrust been an issue inside this relationship?

 

I get that this incident wasn't fun, and I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. But I think the fact that it's so cataclysmic is worth exploring. Clearly your fiancé is on tiptoes and eggshells around you. And clearly you are watching him with a level of scrutiny that is not healthy. That is not a dynamic that can hold. When an eggshell gets stepped on all communication breaks down, as happened in this case.

 

In terms of the specifics: Maybe he texted her because he likes a little dose of attention, which seems to be the worst case scenario here. Not the coolest, no. But nuclear grade betrayal? Personally, I don't think so, at least if you're in a relationship that otherwise feels secure and trusting.

 

The sense I get from this is that you seem convinced he is an inch away from cheating on you. Is that the case? Has he given you reason to feel that way? Do you have doubts, in your gut, about his level of commitment and faithfulness?

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A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

 

Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

 

Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.

 

There might have been some but not as big as this. Those previous onces were more do to my jelaosy, I guess.

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Okay, so you recognize that you have a jealous side. What have you done to temper that, understand it, keep it in check?

 

Because what I see, on the surface, is some unchecked, unresolved jealousy. Where does that come from? Was he ever shady at any point in the relationship? Have you dated shady men in the past?

 

I don't want to minimize his actions here—and, like MissCanuck said, the "schizophrenic" comment is not remotely cool for a host of reasons. There's a lot of anger and frustration behind a comment like that, and the comment itself is a window into a level of anger and frustration that he does not know how to handle well.

 

And all that is a pretty fiery dynamic that can be explosive in the wrong ways. No one wants to feel that their partner is jealous all the time. Then again, if he knows you have a jealous side, I wonder why he's telling you this nurse has a crush. Maybe he's just trying to be transparent. Or maybe he's trying to rile you up, because you guys have grown accustomed to this little simmer being part of the depth of your connection.

 

I don't know. You call this moment "big" but to me it does not seem big. What seems big is the way you're both handling it.

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A few questions for context before I comment on this specific issue:

 

Have there been previous problems with jealousy, or instances of him possibly having some questionable interactions with other women? How do you know she has a crush on him?

 

Him telling you that you are acting "schizophrenic" really rubs me the wrong way, especially considering that is a healthcare professional. Lobbing insults like this indicates some bigger problems between you, which is why I am curious to hear what your relationship is really like. I am going to wager that this incident with the nurse is the symptom of deeper issues.

 

Okay, so you recognize that you have a jealous side. What have you done to temper that, understand it, keep it in check?

 

Because what I see, on the surface, is some unchecked, unresolved jealousy. Where does that come from? Was he ever shady at any point in the relationship? Have you dated shady men in the past?

 

I don't want to minimize his actions here—and, like MissCanuck said, the "schizophrenic" comment is not remotely cool for a host of reasons. There's a lot of anger and frustration behind a comment like that, and the comment itself is a window into a level of anger and frustration that he does not know how to handle well.

 

And all that is a pretty fiery dynamic that can be explosive in the wrong ways. No one wants to feel that their partner is jealous all the time. Then again, if he knows you have a jealous side, I wonder why he's telling you this nurse has a crush. Maybe he's just trying to be transparent. Or maybe he's trying to rile you up, because you guys have grown accustomed to this little simmer being part of the depth of your connection.

 

I don't know. You call this moment "big" but to me it does not seem big. What seems big is the way you're both handling it.

 

I am a bit jealous, he hasn't done anything before but there have been nurses texting him and asking him to finish their papers for their masters degree and he helped them and that bothered me to. Why would he help them do their college papers !!

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For me this guy would be gone. He can be a “ladies man “ some place else. My husband was Capt Save A Hoe when young . No physical cheating but letting himself get talked into other women’s BS. I laid it on the line. Them or me . Get out. Make your choice this second.

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For me this guy would be gone. He can be a “ladies man “ some place else. My husband was Capt Save A Hoe when young . No physical cheating but letting himself get talked into other women’s BS. I laid it on the line. Them or me . Get out. Make your choice this second.

 

This is excatly what I told him today. Them or me and got out of his car.

 

But unfortunately it isn't the first time I'm saying it

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You shouldn't be blamed for being "jealous". This is on him. He shouldn't be hiding texts, deleting/re-writing, hiding his phone, all to make plans with this other woman, hiding it from you.

 

To call you "jealous" is to victim blame, and that's just wrong.

 

This wasn't him asking a nurse about a patient, or a hospital issue. This was him & a nurse making plans to meet up for coffee. A nurse who has admittedly had a crush on him, and a coffee meet that he was hiding from you.

 

This is who he is. You decide if you want to live a life of looking over your shoulder. I ended a relationship like this last year, so I get it. The constant discomfort of wondering what the texts are about, who they are, and the guy making you seem like you're just jealous, crazy, or whatever word you want to use.

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You have to mean it. My husband called his dad and his dad called me a bytch and told him to come home. He went to his parent’s home for 2 days and came home. No more crap since. And that was 19 years ago.

This is excatly what I told him today. Them or me and got out of his car.

 

But unfortunately it isn't the first time I'm saying it

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You have to mean it. My husband called his dad and his dad called me a bytch and told him to come home. He went to his parent’s home for 2 days and came home. No more crap since. And that was 19 years ago.

 

I may be waiting my whole life for a woman to do exactly this to me, though I'd like to think I've reigned it in myself.

 

Awesome story. Hijack over.

 

OP, I like this approach in your situation.

 

He's huffing and puffing right now, but if he has good sense he'll realize that cursory female attention isn't worth losing a marriage over. Or, if he doesn't realize that, he is not the man for you.

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For me this guy would be gone. He can be a “ladies man “ some place else. My husband was Capt Save A Hoe when young . No physical cheating but letting himself get talked into other women’s BS. I laid it on the line. Them or me . Get out. Make your choice this second.

 

You have to mean it. My husband called his dad and his dad called me a bytch and told him to come home. He went to his parent’s home for 2 days and came home. No more crap since. And that was 19 years ago.

 

How exactly do I MEAN it in this case?

 

What should I do for him to know that I mean it.

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And, yes, I realize that contradicts some of my earlier threads. But LHGirl talked some sense into me with her wise post.

 

LOL, I wasn't trying to talk sense into you, Bluecastle, as I love your posts. I was just trying to make sure the OP knows that this cr*p is on him, not her. She can be jealous, and he can be a hiding, lying jerk. They are not mutually exclusive. But in this case, his indiscretions cannot be justified just because she also happens to have a jealous streak. Thing is, jealousy is often driven by an insecurity, and it sounds like her BF is providing her enough reason for insecurity/jealousy. Perhaps if he were completely open, and not the type to be available to this nurse's advances, her jealousy would magically disappear.

 

 

How exactly do I MEAN it in this case?

 

What should I do for him to know thar I mean it.

 

I know you directed this at Seraphim, but I'll answer as well: As Seraphim said in her instance, you say "it's all this nonsense with these other women, or me". Period. Today, this second. As in, delete/block this, and any other woman like this, forever, or I'm leaving you right this second.

When I said this in my last relationship, he "yeah yeah'd" me, but it didn't stick. So I said goodbye.

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For me this guy would be gone. He can be a “ladies man “ some place else. My husband was Capt Save A Hoe when young . No physical cheating but letting himself get talked into other women’s BS. I laid it on the line. Them or me . Get out. Make your choice this second.

 

You have to mean it. My husband called his dad and his dad called me a bytch and told him to come home. He went to his parent’s home for 2 days and came home. No more crap since. And that was 19 years ago.

 

LOL, I wasn't trying to talk sense into you, Bluecastle, as I love your posts. I was just trying to make sure the OP knows that this cr*p is on him, not her. She can be jealous, and he can be a hiding, lying jerk. They are not mutually exclusive. But in this case, his indiscretions cannot be justified just because she also happens to have a jealous streak. Thing is, jealousy is often driven by an insecurity, and it sounds like her BF is providing her enough reason for insecurity/jealousy. Perhaps if he were completely open, and not the type to be available to this nurse's advances, her jealousy would magically disappear.

 

 

 

 

I know you directed this at Seraphim, but I'll answer as well: As Seraphim said in her instance, you say "it's all this nonsense with these other women, or me". Period. Today, this second. As in, delete/block this, and any other woman like this, forever, or I'm leaving you right this second.

When I said this in my last relationship, he "yeah yeah'd" me, but it didn't stick. So I said goodbye.

 

I have said that too in the past it lasts a while then happens again. For some other nurses it worked. But do I have to tell him individualy for each one. Why can't one be an example for all !!

 

Thank you yo everyone for your coments and help. I really appreciate it.

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I may be waiting my whole life for a woman to do exactly this to me, though I'd like to think I've reigned it in myself.

 

Awesome story. Hijack over.

 

OP, I like this approach in your situation.

 

He's huffing and puffing right now, but if he has good sense he'll realize that cursory female attention isn't worth losing a marriage over. Or, if he doesn't realize that, he is not the man for you.

 

My husband had more than a marriage to lose too. He was going to lose daily access to his son. He chose me and his son. However, he NEVER told his parents HE was the problem not me. He let them assume I was and they hated me anyway. So it was easy for him.

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I have said that too in the past it lasts a while then happens again. For some other nurses it worked. But do I have to tell him individualy for each one. Why can't one be an example for all !!

 

Thank you yo everyone for your coments and help. I really appreciate it.

 

He is not a child and knows your position, yet you continue. You do not stand by your word, and so he does it, again and again.

 

It is time for you to end this. He does not respect you, and will continue to hide these women, as he enjoys the attention.

 

Stop with the threats and take action! How many times does he have to do this to you?

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I have said that too in the past it lasts a while then happens again. For some other nurses it worked. But do I have to tell him individualy for each one. Why can't one be an example for all !!

 

Thank you yo everyone for your coments and help. I really appreciate it.

 

What have those past conversations been like? Have they been heated? Like, are you voicing your concerns when the emotions are at their peak, and he's offering to "stop" in order to appease that emotion? Have you guys ever talked about what's going on here, with him, to need this attention?

 

Like, this is not about nurses. This is about you being uncomfortable by the way he relates to women. Is he aware of that?

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He is not a child and knows your position, yet you continue. You do not stand by your word, and so he does it, again and again.

 

It is time for you to end this. He does not respect you, and will continue to hide these women, as he enjoys the attention.

 

Stop with the threats and take action! How many times does he have to do this to you?

 

100% agree with this. Stop taking his abuse and nonsense. I know this is hard to do, but have some self-respect. He certainly doesn't have any for you (sorry). Don't feel guilty or bad about leaving him. He doesn't feel guilty doing this to you., and it will continue as long as you put up with it. Is that what you really want???

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I agree, Jibralta. I think any woman would have felt vulnerable with how he acts.

 

He should have boundaries with these women, co workers or not. They should know their place and know he has a fiancee. They obviously don't...and you know why? He enjoys the attention.

He is not telling them to knock it off. He is not telling them to remain professional.

 

This is his issue.

 

As for you trying to be his partner, I can see why you feel jealous and upset. I can't see many women not feeling the same. Then you voice your worries and upsets and he names calls you?

 

Why do you put up with him? He's an azz with an ego.

I don't care who he is, a man like him is not worth it and you're in for heartache if you stay with him. He has no respect for his partner.

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