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Hi everyone,

 

 

Me (26) and my gf (23) broke up 3 months ago. She ended it after a relationship of 3 years because she wanted to be alone at this stage in her life. I immediately went NC after the breakup and haven't heard a word from her since then.

We had a really good relationship for 2 years, but the last year she started to act real immature and selfish. I was hurt a lot in this period, but I can't get her of this pedestal I put her on. I keep believing that she is the best girl I could ever get and that there is no one out there that could be even good or better than her.

 

In fact she ended things twice with me now and I still keep hoping that she'll come back.. I try to focus on the negatives in the relationship, but in fact we were a good match. The only (big) problem is that she is too immature.

Her priorities in life are going out and partying all the time (she is still a student), while I want to settle and buy a house/apartment (i'm working for 4 years). Deep down I know that she also knows this, but right now she has a clear "Grass is Greener-Syndrome".

 

Whenever I see another girl, I immediately start comparing her to my ex and it's really difficult to move on by keeping on doing this..

 

Any advice would be welcome,

 

thanks in advance.

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Well, what you're feeling is pretty normal for being only 3 months out of a 3 year relationship. It sucks, and I'm sorry for that. Wavering between putting her on a pedestal and fixating on the negatives—both of those are really the same thing, an attempt to ease the pain, to expedite healing, to control these waves of feelings that, sadly, can't be controlled. They just have to be felt, and in surviving them they lose their power.

 

So, hang in there. Choppy currents right now, clear waters ahead.

 

That said, to an outside eye what you just described is two people who are not at all a good match. She's 23, drawn to the things that 23-year-olds have been drawn to for millennia. You've entered a different stage in life, one she's not ready for. That is not a hairline fracture separating you two, but a canyon. Whether you're right or wrong about what's going on inside of her "deep down," it doesn't shrink a canyon, you know?

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Well, what you're feeling is pretty normal for being only 3 months out of a 3 year relationship. It sucks, and I'm sorry for that. Wavering between putting her on a pedestal and fixating on the negatives—both of those are really the same thing, an attempt to ease the pain, to expedite healing, to control these waves of feelings that, sadly, can't be controlled. They just have to be felt, and in surviving them they lose their power.

 

So, hang in there. Choppy currents right now, clear waters ahead.

 

That said, to an outside eye what you just described is two people who are not at all a good match. She's 23, drawn to the things that 23-year-olds have been drawn to for millennia. You've entered a different stage in life, one she's not ready for. That is not a hairline fracture separating you two, but a canyon. Whether you're right or wrong about what's going on inside of her "deep down," it doesn't shrink a canyon, you know?

 

She just started an internship and would start working next year, so the canyon between us would definitely be shrinking. But I understand what you are saying. If she doesn't mature, then most likely a reconciliation would fail again..

It's just hard to let things go, we had an amazing band with both our families and friends. It's just hard to believe that that will be possible with someone else..

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I'm sorry OP but you are quite off on calling her immature. When you first started dating and she was barely 20, she was young and immature. Three years later, OP, she is very much maturing in the sense that she now knows what she does and doesn't want and has the guts to stand up for what she wants and get rid of what she doesn't. Sorry if this is harsh, but you have to drop this idea you keep feeding yourself about being so compatible. From your perspective, sure, things were working for you. Unfortunately things weren't working for her, especially that last year and she made a thought out decision to move on. Her life and plans do not include you and the life that you want and the sooner you face that, the better you'll be off and the faster you'll heal.

 

As for never having what you had with her, of course you won't. Each relationship is unique in its own ways so you shouldn't ever look for what you had. What you'll have with someone else will be better, different, unique, special in its own way. Meanwhile, you are pretty far from healed and still feeling the raw shock of loss, so give yourself some time to recover. So fresh out of a break up, comparing others to your ex and pining is normal. Give it time, focus on other aspects of your life like friends and hobbies. After awhile you'll find that you aren't feeling so horrible and you no longer think of your ex all the time or compare others to her. When you start seeing new women in their own right, then you'll know you are ready to date again.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are completely incompatible on almost every level from temperaments to maturity to life stage to goals. Then there is the issue of frequent breakups and inability to simply get along. There is nothing wrong with either of your priorities given your ages and life stages.

Me (26) and my gf (23) broke up 3 months ago. she started to act real immature and selfish. In fact she ended things twice with me now.

 

Her priorities in life are going out and partying all the time (she is still a student), while I want to settle and buy a house/apartment. i'm working for 4 years

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Was just about to say what DancingFool said.

 

This is her maturing, and I'd challenge yourself to respect that, hard as it is under the circumstances. Because the more you put her in a box of being too immature for you—well, there's a condescending edge to that. You guys are just in different places—try to accept that, rather than look to future internships as some sign of when you'll be on the same page again.

 

I know it hurts, I know it's hard. Been there. But the only way forward is to feel these feelings and let go.

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Holy .

 

Did I write this as a man?

 

I'm going through the same exact thing. Even the ages match

 

 

Listen, it's not about her age or stage in life. She just doesnt want you. If shes unwilling to comprise on something and would prefer you out of her life then it just means she didnt think you were worth it.

 

Tons of people get together young and it works out great as long as the other person is willing

 

Cant offer more advice on that as I literally feel the same way you do ...

 

Goodluck

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Maybe i'm just expecting too much, too fast. I'll just have to let time run its course and heal :-)

'Time running its course' is a big component for sure but time alone will not heal you.

 

It's also what you do in that time.

 

Be Strong. Be Patient. You will be ok.

 

Carus*

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I keep believing that she is the best girl I could ever get and that there is no one out there that could be even good or better than her. [...]

 

Whenever I see another girl, I immediately start comparing her to my ex and it's really difficult to move on by keeping on doing this.

 

This is pretty natural for only 3 months after a LTR breakup. I've never found the 'squelch all hope' method of recovery to be useful. I'd rather honor my grief while moving forward with a far gentler approach. Instead of beating myself to cut emotional cords, I'd trust that if ex and I were ever a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday, but we'll both need to reach that place on our own.

 

This inspires me to focus on reaching higher ground rather than sinking myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make a private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. This doesn't mean I can't grieve, it just supplies me with a shiny object to pull me away from my boo-hoos and into the commitments I've made.

 

Over time the ex becomes less and less relevant as I become more and more important. This is my percentage play, because if ex ever wants to reconcile, I've grown into someone who can best handle that, and if ex does not, then I've built my ability to keep moving forward.

 

I'd skip trying to date other people for now. Your perceptions will change as you grow and change.

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One thing that helps me is fully owning what it is that you don’t want. You don’t want a girl that likes to party all the time. Even if you guys get back together, you will be with a girl that likes to party all the time which you don’t like. It’s a simple statement but I think that’s what makes it powerful.

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One thing that helps me is fully owning what it is that you don’t want. You don’t want a girl that likes to party all the time. Even if you guys get back together, you will be with a girl that likes to party all the time which you don’t like. It’s a simple statement but I think that’s what makes it powerful.

 

True. She's not even the relationship material you want at this time. Attempting to reconcile before she grows out of her party girl ways doesn't make much sense. Trust the far future to teach you whether your paths will cross at a better stage in your lives.

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My therapist once told me that the person I was describing (ex) didn't exist. I was going over the good times more than the bad and making excuses for the bad, and I needed to look at the whole picture and see the whole person.

 

Make a list of the good and bad and be honest. You'll begin to see the person as a whole. Not only that but you'll see their future based on the way they acted (because people can change, but not by much).

 

Then insert yourself into that future in your mind. Is it worth your time?

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I agree with the other posters, what you’re experiencing is completely normal. Just try not to stay in this mindset allow yourself to work through it naturally, it’s all part of the healing process. I wouldn’t suggest ‘fixing it’ by focusing on the bad. Like another poster said they’re two sides of the same coin idolization and villainization.

 

If you find solace in their failures, you’ll find pain in their triumphs, it’s just a bad concept to hitch your wagon to, the world doesn’t work as our own personal karma collector, people who are good and bad expierience good and bad. Focus on you, become your biggest cheerleader. Focus on your physical and mental health and when those clouds finally do break you’ll be ready.

 

You’re gonna be ok. One day at a time.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Broke no contact after +100 days at a party this weekend (she was there). She told me out of the blue that she had sex with "multiple persons" since the breakup.

Also told me she is unhappy. I'm now no longer looking or hoping for reconciliation. She isn't the same person anymore and definitely not the one that I fell for 3 years ago.

 

Although it hurt a lot to hear her saying she has been sleeping around, it give me some sort of closure.

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Good you got closure. Why would she mention something like this "out of the blue"? Was she drunk?

She told me out of the blue that she had sex with "multiple persons" since the breakup. Although it hurt a lot to hear her saying she has been sleeping around, it give me some sort of closure.
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Good you got closure. Why would she mention something like this "out of the blue"? Was she drunk?

We were talking/laughing and it was quite nostalgic. I think she felt some sort of guilt/shame and thought I needed to know that she had been sleeping around. In a way, she was honest. But ofcourse it hurt a lot.

 

Strange how things can change over the course of a couple of months. Think i’m not going to talk to her anymore,it would only hurt me. I actually met someone else recently and i’m starting to like her.

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