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Why does my ex bother messaging me if he then ignores me later?


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Hi,

 

I have posted about my ex before here (for some background story: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555116 )

 

I thought that as several people said I maybe didn't show enough interest to him when he last said he was in town (please quickly read my first post as it explains what happened), and also for me to feel some closure (by opening my heart and knowing I did the best I could) I would send him a message saying I was thinking of him and that I'm grateful for the time we had together. I didn't do it expecting a reaction but rather to open up my heart and be better able to let it go that way. I let go of the fear of rejection and just did it. I really felt the need to be open as I'd never done that before with him and I wanted to do it for myself too. I also did it because I thought that if he was interested in me it would nudge him that I am interested, and that if he wasn't and I got "rejected" that that would be a bit of clarity in itself.

 

He replied really quickly and asking questions like how I've been, when I said a lot's been happening he said he wants to know what's been happening; where I'm planning on going travelling in the future (I talked about travelling soon). Then, as he has done in the past, he stopped replying or even reading my last message, although he's been online.

 

If he doesn't care for me then why didn't he just ignore my first message, why did he ask me questions? I truly don't understand him.

 

Although, I know I've done the best I can now and there's nothing more I can do, and I'm glad I sent that mesage.

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I won't because I wanted my message to be the final sort of thing for me.

 

What I'm struggling to deal with is the feeling of being suprised that he just isn't into me, that he has gotten over me so easily (if he loved me while we were together). I feel I'm a well rounded person, good looking, kind and friendly, I do a lot of work on myself, if I was a guy and had a woman like that interested in me I'd be into her. :(

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You need to stop with that line of thinking.

 

He isn't the right guy for you. You are measuring your worth by this guy, which sets you up for terrible pain and disappointment. Sure, it feels good when someone recognizes our awesomeness and reciprocates, but you can't assume you are not good enough when it doesn't happen.

 

Spend time now working on building yourself up. The right guy will appreciate your good qualities.

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Unfortunately, closure was when you broke up and he moved away. It doesn't come from continuous contact or occasional hookups when he's in your city. When you stop contacting him, hooking up and delete and block him, you'll be able to start meeting and dating local men who are interested in a relationship with you.

I would send him a message saying I was thinking of him and that I'm grateful for the time we had together. He replied really quickly. Then, as he has done in the past, he stopped replying or even reading my last message.

 

I think part of me also felt like I'm ok with a casual hookup. I find him very attractive and still had feelings for him and felt like hey it's fun and I knew I didn't want more than that (a relationship) because he didn't offer what I need in a good relationship. But there's also a conflicting feeling that he doesn't care and is a jerk etc.

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I am feeling terrible pain and depression, that he must've never actually liked me. I questioned it the whole time I was with him, and it doesn't make sense for someone to be sooo into me and saying he loves me then acting distant and like he never had feelings. He must've lied the whole time. And I feel EVEN worse that he's trying to be nice by replying to me...

 

I know this sounds pathetic but I truly feel I am just going to be a magnet for these types of guys, no one will think I'm good enough. I just wanted proof that my ex did in fact like me and that I was good enough for such an attractive guy. It sounds truly pathetic but it's how I really, really feel. I don't get much interest from guys so I don't feel I can just move onto another.

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I am feeling terrible pain and depression, that he must've never actually liked me. I questioned it the whole time I was with him, and it doesn't make sense for someone to be sooo into me and saying he loves me then acting distant and like he never had feelings. He must've lied the whole time. And I feel EVEN worse that he's trying to be nice by replying to me...

 

I know this sounds pathetic but I truly feel I am just going to be a magnet for these types of guys, no one will think I'm good enough. I just wanted proof that my ex did in fact like me and that I was good enough for such an attractive guy. It sounds truly pathetic but it's how I really, really feel. I don't get much interest from guys so I don't feel I can just move onto another.

 

And you won't until you start working on you.

 

If you self-esteem is this low, then that likely comes across loud and clear to guys you date. It attracts the wrong types. Since you don't feel you have options, you also evidently can't say no to the duds. And it sadly leaves you in a position of emotional turmoil when it doesn't work out, since you otherwise don't feel good about yourself.

 

How old are both you and your ex, for reference?

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You would feel better and get better results by consulting a doctor and therapist to evaluate and address these feelings. Chasing some guy you broke up with months ago and looking for validation is a fool's errand. This isn't about him. It's over. People break up all the time, it happens.

I am feeling terrible pain and depression, that he must've never actually liked me. I just wanted proof that my ex did in fact like me and that I was good enough for such an attractive guy.I don't get much interest from guys so I don't feel I can just move onto another.
Edited by Wiseman2
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I actually tried so so so hard after the breakup to build my self worth up and build a life for myself. I was really convinced at some point that I had achieved that. Particularly FROM reflecting on what I'd learned in the relationship. I did a lot of reflecting and learning. But I'm back to this place again?!

 

I'm 25, he's 24.

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I have an appointment to see my psychologist in 2 weeks time to discuss this. I haven't seen her in a while nor talked much about this issue (in the past we covered other topics).

 

I know people break up all the time. I just couldn't deal with the possibility that he was never into me because I feel this signals how my future dating life will be like.

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Sorry for the hurt, and the emotional spins.

 

Everything MissCanuck is advising is just spot-on.

 

With more confidence, and a heart that is truly open, you'll see his responses (and lack thereof) in a different light. Not as evidence that he's not into you or never cared, but simply as proof that he's not what you want and need, not now. There is sadness in that, I know. But there's also comfort, peace, and strength.

 

The line of thinking you're indulging right now? It's catastrophic. It's your own mind and heart searching for control and false comfort by reinforcing only the worst case reads: that it was all a lie, that he never cared, and so on. The truth is more complicated than that, always. Sometimes people simply can't meet us on our level, for reasons we can never quite understand and don't need to.

 

What's important is knowing your level, valuing it, cherishing it, and protecting it.

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I just couldn't deal with the possibility that he was never into me

 

Again, so let go of this possibility, just like you need to let go of the possibility of a future with him.

 

He was into you, best he could be. He does respond to you, best he can.

 

His best is simply not nearly good enough for you.

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Thank you so much bluecastle for your wholesome words. I guess it doesn't make sense for a guy to date and have sex with a woman if he isn't the slightest bit attracted to her. I sometimes reach the insight you provided, that he was into me but incompatible, but that perspective never stayed. I maybe need to CHOOSE to think from that perspective. Anything that helps me move on I guess

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I don't have any friends nor a fun life, my life at the moment is me trying to fix health issues preventing me from working and starting to live my life and travel. So I don't have much to move onto.

 

Why is this, girl?

 

You're back in this place again because you didn't listen to your better judgement. You sent him a rather emotional message and he didn't respond in a way that made you feel soothed or secure. You had to have known that wasn't a great idea, given his wishy-washy behaviour since the break-up.

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And the fact that he didn't really respond appropriately to my thank you message shows he is just not at my level, not at an emotionally mature level actually. (He didn't say that's nice of you or thank you, he just said "hi!! this year???". He forgot that we met this year in January. He thought we met last year. In my first message I said I was grateful for meeting him this year.

 

(Btw I thought that because he forgot that as well as forgetting which car was mine when he walked me back to my car the last time we met, that he didn't care about me)

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I haven't been able to live my life this year including go out enough and meet people. I had chronic tiredness which would come on after doing little things like doing the laundry, and I was trying to manage study with that. This affected my ability to do anything much at all, and on top of this I also don't feel attractive enough to put myself out there a lot of the time. Apart from putting myself out there to meet my ex, which ended up in a lot of fun. But I felt if that was all a lie then I won't feel confident enough to put myself out there again.

I've started working on the tiredness with health professionals and I'm getting to a point where I emotionally feel I MUST go out and meet people, I must start living my life.

 

No, I'm very happy I sent him that message. I listened to my intuition for that. I knew I had to open my heart for myself, and my intuition said his response (rejection or not) doesn't matter, it's not about the response but getting my heart out there.

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Thank you so much bluecastle for your wholesome words. I guess it doesn't make sense for a guy to date and have sex with a woman if he isn't the slightest bit attracted to her. I sometimes reach the insight you provided, that he was into me but incompatible, but that perspective never stayed. I maybe need to CHOOSE to think from that perspective. Anything that helps me move on I guess

 

Yes, exactly.

 

I can see you wavering between these two poles of thinking. That part of you that sent the note in earnestness, to express your truth, regardless of his: that's actually a beautiful and empowering place—when it's fully authentic. When you send the note as a litmus test—well, that's when you open yourself up to these spins.

 

I've been in his shoes, been in yours. At the end of the day they are both just sad and human, the shoes of two people who shared something real that no longer has the stuff to work. Accept that, and use this time to dig into what you know works, for you. It can be something tiny, like taking a walk and taking note of something beautiful. It can be something ambitious, like plotting where your future travels can take you. The stuff you have control over.

 

The feelings of another—they are always a mystery. Accept that you can't understand his—that's the compassionate mindset, generally—while accepting the reality that, whatever they are, they don't serve your highest self.

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Yes bluecastle, your words are BANG ON. I sent him that message not to get him to want me more. I did it because it came from a loving place within me that wasn't worried about the outcome. I felt that since I had always been guarded with him, it was actually a sign of growth to myself for me to send this message to him. To open up. (Then, unfortunately, afterwards my mind took over and got stressed).

 

And you are right, I waver between the two ways of thinking. On the positive side, I feel I am absolutely amazing that I am so authentic and would do such a thing. I am emotionally intelligent and care for people.

 

I can't thank you enough for your words.

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And the fact that he didn't really respond appropriately to my thank you message shows he is just not at my level, not at an emotionally mature level actually. (He didn't say that's nice of you or thank you, he just said "hi!! this year???". He forgot that we met this year in January. He thought we met last year. In my first message I said I was grateful for meeting him this year.

 

(Btw I thought that because he forgot that as well as forgetting which car was mine when he walked me back to my car the last time we met, that he didn't care about me)

 

Well, to be fair, it's not up to you to decide what response would be appropriate or not. He responded in the way he felt was appropriate for him, which was to avoid the sentimental parts. It's awkward to receive a message like that from someone you broke up with, especially when the break-up was a little while ago. He seems to know that acknowledging the emotional undertone would not have been a good idea, so he skipped over it completely.

 

You sent him that message hoping for a specific reaction from him. I don't agree at all what you weren't worried about the outcome; you are obviously are hurt he didn't reply the way you hoped. And that's okay, but you can't exactly paint him as emotionally immature when didn't meet your expectation on that. The problem seems to be that you continue to search for validation from him. You want him to make you feel better about yourself. But OP, you are going to be continuously met with disappointment if you keep seeking worth from other people - especially men who have broken up with you.

 

The one who brought you pain isn't going to be the one to fix your pain.

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Happy to help.

 

Just take this moment to be completely honest with yourself. The stress, the hurt: that's there because your intentions behind the message were not quite as simple as you thought. And that's okay, totally human.

 

Still, you wanted validation from him, which is the danger zone. You wanted your growth and openness authenticated by him, and when he failed to provide that you wobbled. Been there, as most of us have. There's power in owning that.

 

Focus back on that growth, that openness, that capacity for love. That can be 100 percent real, even if it's not reflected back to you in the mirror of another. We cultivate that ourselves, and we share it with those who can receive it. He is not that person, and let this be the moment to just acknowledge that without judgement—not of him, not of you.

 

It's just a sad fact, the way the world spins. Sometimes it makes sunny days, sometimes hurricanes. Sometimes people connect, sometimes they disconnect.

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I am feeling terrible pain and depression, that he must've never actually liked me. I questioned it the whole time I was with him, and it doesn't make sense for someone to be sooo into me and saying he loves me then acting distant and like he never had feelings. He must've lied the whole time. And I feel EVEN worse that he's trying to be nice by replying to me...

 

I know this sounds pathetic but I truly feel I am just going to be a magnet for these types of guys, no one will think I'm good enough. I just wanted proof that my ex did in fact like me and that I was good enough for such an attractive guy. It sounds truly pathetic but it's how I really, really feel. I don't get much interest from guys so I don't feel I can just move onto another.

 

Ok good, you seem to recognize you reaching out has nothing to do with apologizing or closure or clearing the air or any of those innocent things. If you convince yourself you reached out for wholesome reasons, once the pain dissipates, you’ll do it again. Until you realize you’re just simply trying to get a hit, the cycles gonna continue.

 

You would feel better and get better results by consulting a doctor and therapist to evaluate and address these feelings. Chasing some guy you broke up with months ago and looking for validation is a fool's errand. This isn't about him. It's over. People break up all the time, it happens.

 

Harsh reality.

 

I actually tried so so so hard after the breakup to build my self worth up and build a life for myself. I was really convinced at some point that I had achieved that. Particularly FROM reflecting on what I'd learned in the relationship. I did a lot of reflecting and learning. But I'm back to this place again?!

 

I'm 25, he's 24.

 

Because you keep ripping the scab off by going back to old habits and reaching out to him for validation. It’s actually very logical why you feel this way once you start being honest with yourself.

 

And the fact that he didn't really respond appropriately to my thank you message shows he is just not at my level, not at an emotionally mature level actually. (He didn't say that's nice of you or thank you, he just said "hi!! this year???". He forgot that we met this year in January. He thought we met last year. In my first message I said I was grateful for meeting him this year.

 

(Btw I thought that because he forgot that as well as forgetting which car was mine when he walked me back to my car the last time we met, that he didn't care about me)

 

See you’re admitting your expectations. Now every word is being analyzed. You can’t sit here and honestly then say ‘oh it was an innocent text’

 

Well, to be fair, it's not up to you to decide what response would be appropriate or not. He responded in the way he felt was appropriate for him, which was to avoid the sentimental parts. It's awkward to receive a message like that from someone you broke up with, especially when the break-up was a little while ago. He seems to know that acknowledging the emotional undertone would not have been a good idea, so he skipped over it completely.

 

You sent him that message hoping for a specific reaction from him. I don't agree at all what you weren't worried about the outcome; you are obviously are hurt he didn't reply the way you hoped. And that's okay, but you can't exactly paint him as emotionally immature when didn't meet your expectation on that. The problem seems to be that you continue to search for validation from him. You want him to make you feel better about yourself. But OP, you are going to be continuously met with disappointment if you keep seeking worth from other people - especially men who have broken up with you.

 

The one who brought you pain isn't going to be the one to fix your pain.

 

Canuck responsed to you very eloquently, it bears repeating. There was a poster a while ago she’d have 10 people telling her DO NOT CONTACT THIS MAN and she would start to get it then one person would say well maybe it’s ok and she would run with it, because it’s what she wanted to hear. I’m going to say this very bluntly, you simply do not have the confidence or emotional strength to look at the grey in all this. Reaching out to him was for unhealthy reasons and you need to stop.

 

I do kinda remember your other post and there was some Grey there but at this point it’s pretty clear you need to go NC.

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Thanks figureitout23, I really disagree that I reached out for "unhealthy reasons", I felt it was purely from my heart and a good idea to do it. Then after I did it I started getting excited when he messaged me lots. But my intention was not to get back with him or have any expected result from him. I still don't regret doing it. I do not plan to reach out to him again as I've done what I felt I needed to do.

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And about Miss Canuck's quote about "The one who brought you pain isn't going to be the one to fix your pain", of course that's true because I wasn't expecting him to fix my pain when I sent my message. I was fixing my pain by being open and honest with myself and letting what I felt out into the world.

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