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Coparenting with an idiot|Length


undeniedshe
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So I finally broke up with my ex and kicked him out. I had to get a protection order because of threats and violence. So now I’m not sure if I’m being too hard or what, but I think I’m fair. I have a protective order against my child’s father, only for me. However there is specific jargon about his right to see her basically saying everything needs to communicated through his sister, who is our point of contact. He’s upset because having a Protective order against him takes his right to carry or possess a firearm away from him. So he can basically see her as long as it’s not an inconvenience to me. We communicate through the sister and we make arrangements for my daughter to see him, which usually I’ll drop her to the sisters house and then pick her up. But one day he decided to go get her from school without asking if it were ok or letting me know. I went to pick my daughter up from cheer and they informed me she wasn’t there. Of course I was upset. I told him that I would have the order modified to say specifically that I need to be notified and that it’s okay. I hadn’t had time to do it. So today I got a text from his sister saying my daughter wanted to go with her dad so he has her. And again like disrespect slapped in my face because he didn’t confirm that it was okay before he picked her up so it’s like while you’re telling me you have her you’re still going about it the wrong way. And they have an event at school tonight and $150 is due for a trip. So I explained that wasn’t the right way to do it but since he had her to take her to the event and pay the $150 for the trip( the trip he says he can’t pay anything on until maybe Friday). Now he dropped her to his sisters house where she says she will bring her home. Well she’s suppose to be in cheer after school and I have a new address which I want neither of them aware of my new address. So I don’t know what to do. I spoke with the advocate that says I can file a motion for contempt or to modify or both. But I want him involved with my daughter but not just anyway he feels he can do it. And he also talks bad about me to her which I don’t appreciate so it’s like I’m not sure if she should even be around him without supervision.

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Get supervised visitation in writing. Get everything in writing and through the courts. Get strict child support orders. Make sure visitation is a very strict and specific schedule. Make sure the school has a copy of the protective and visitation order. you need to do more. Protect yourself and your daughter, he's angry, violent and could turn on anyone having to do with you. Enlist more help from your own family and of course courts and your advocate/attorney. Don't play with your or her safely because he continues to intimidate and abuse. Do not speak to him directly. Do not ask for "extras" with regard to child support. Stop the war with him and think about logic, safety and what's best for your daughter.

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Get supervised visitation in writing. Get everything in writing and through the courts. Get strict child support orders. Make sure visitation is a very strict and specific schedule. Make sure the school has a copy of the protective and visitation order. you need to do more. Protect yourself and your daughter, he's angry, violent and could turn on anyone having to do with you. Enlist more help from your own family and of course courts and your advocate/attorney. Don't play with your or her safely because he continues to intimidate and abuse. Do not speak to him directly. Do not ask for "extras" with regard to child support. Stop the war with him and think about logic, safety and what's best for your daughter.

 

The only thing I ask for is $30 a week plus field trip cost which hasn’t been an issue getting. My main concern is not wanting to seem like I’m trying to control everything. I feel like it still should be asked if it’s ok to pick her up versus picking her up and saying I got her.

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I understand this was not your question, but you're not "trying to control everything" by seeking child support. This is his obligation as it's for his child whom he fathered.

 

Of course it's your call, yet you have a stronger leg to stand on by going through the court system. In any event, I agree this issue with picking her up from school needs to be addressed, sooner rather than later.

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It doesn't matter whether it looks like you're trying to control everything, you should be! He needs to stick to the rules. Do what Wiseman outlined. The school should be notified that your ex and his sister are not allowed to pick up your child. If you are lax in this, you don't know what could happen. Your ex suddenly decides to take your daughter for a weekend or a week without telling you, or he decides to take off with her and he could be three states away before you know it. It happens!

You've got to be harsh on this. This is not the time to be "nice."

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The only thing I ask for is $30 a week plus field trip cost which hasn’t been an issue getting. My main concern is not wanting to seem like I’m trying to control everything. I feel like it still should be asked if it’s ok to pick her up versus picking her up and saying I got her.

 

There is a difference between controlling things and ensuring your daughter is taken care of. What you spoke of implies that HE is the one that is trying to be controlling, by letting you know that he has no desire to follow the court ordered visitation schedule. It is to your daughters benefit for her to have consistency with you and her father, and it is to her benefit that he doesn't wiggle out of paying child support.

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The only thing I ask for is $30 a week plus field trip cost which hasn’t been an issue getting. My main concern is not wanting to seem like I’m trying to control everything. I feel like it still should be asked if it’s ok to pick her up versus picking her up and saying I got her.

 

That's nuts! You are allowing him to control things, by not reporting these incidents. Stop all Of this! You need to follow Wiseman's advice, you are being far too passive. This guy is dangerous!

 

Why in the hell is he only paying $30 a week?

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Get supervised visitation in writing. Get everything in writing and through the courts. Get strict child support orders. Make sure visitation is a very strict and specific schedule. Make sure the school has a copy of the protective and visitation order. you need to do more. Protect yourself and your daughter, he's angry, violent and could turn on anyone having to do with you. Enlist more help from your own family and of course courts and your advocate/attorney. Don't play with your or her safely because he continues to intimidate and abuse. Do not speak to him directly. Do not ask for "extras" with regard to child support. Stop the war with him and think about logic, safety and what's best for your daughter.

 

Please do this!!!

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You broke up a few months ago after a 10 year relationship, to say emotions are high would be an understatement. I don’t see either of you innocent here, you’re trying to pull rank and show you have the power and he’s pushing back, this is about you two when it should be about your child. For the love of God, get a more competent advocate or please see a mediator who isn’t going to pick sides. The only one losing right now is your child.

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Okay, i am going to lay it down like this -

 

i read one of your previous posts. He cheated and lied about it, you cheated also, he slept at his mother's which you hated -- nothing there sounds like this man was ever violent towards you.UNLESS is missed something somehow. At any rate, protective orders are not for people you simply don't like. They are for people who are a physical danger to you - who have threatened bodily harm etc. It sounds like the reason for the order is spite. And now you realize you bit your nose off because he cannot even contact you in a reasonable manner to coparent like two adults. For two grownups, it would be no big deal of daughter called her dad up and expressed an interest in seeing him and he texted you that he got a call from Daughter and giving you a head's up. She has a right to her father.

 

So you don't like him and don't want to communicate about your daughter with him, so you give him a criminal record? you know if he applies for certain jobs, he now cannot have them? And his wages affect what child support he gives you. When you could have gone to court and decided communication and child support and visitation with a mediator? He now may be permanently barred from any job dealing with youth (coach, teacher, anything that has to do with young people) and any government job.

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Well she’s suppose to be in cheer after school and I have a new address which I want neither of them aware of my new address. So I don’t know what to do. I spoke with the advocate that says I can file a motion for contempt or to modify or both.

 

how are they in contempt if you won't allow your point of contact to drop the child off because you won't let her know where you live?

Its the daughter that called dad to come and get her. And he can't contact you to tell you that. It would require him to contact the sister to contact you, wouldn't it?

So you don't find out until she is at her aunt's house, who might have not known she was coming in the first place. So everyone is in contempt.

 

Were you late picking up her daughter so she called her dad?

Tell the school you are the only one allowed to pick her up or call your daughter to confirm you are coming to get her so she doesn't make other plans.

 

It all sounds like a mess.

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Okay, i am going to lay it down like this -

 

i read one of your previous posts. He cheated and lied about it, you cheated also, he slept at his mother's which you hated -- nothing there sounds like this man was ever violent towards you.UNLESS is missed something somehow. At any rate, protective orders are not for people you simply don't like. They are for people who are a physical danger to you - who have threatened bodily harm etc. It sounds like the reason for the order is spite. And now you realize you bit your nose off because he cannot even contact you in a reasonable manner to coparent like two adults. For two grownups, it would be no big deal of daughter called her dad up and expressed an interest in seeing him and he texted you that he got a call from Daughter and giving you a head's up. She has a right to her father.

 

So you don't like him and don't want to communicate about your daughter with him, so you give him a criminal record? you know if he applies for certain jobs, he now cannot have them? And his wages affect what child support he gives you. When you could have gone to court and decided communication and child support and visitation with a mediator? He now may be permanently barred from any job dealing with youth (coach, teacher, anything that has to do with young people) and any government job.

 

He pulled a gun out on me twice. Cocked it back. Threatened my job, constantly destroyed things in my house, would pour water on me while I was sleep to make me talk to him, block my car in so that I could not make it to work. My previous post is not my life. And this post wasn’t for anyone to decide whether the order is warranted, that wasn’t my question so stick to the subject at hand before you go assuming everything wrong. And I didn’t cheat, we weren’t together when I moved on. Thank you.

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Well she’s suppose to be in cheer after school and I have a new address which I want neither of them aware of my new address. So I don’t know what to do. I spoke with the advocate that says I can file a motion for contempt or to modify or both.

 

how are they in contempt if you won't allow your point of contact to drop the child off because you won't let her know where you live?

Its the daughter that called dad to come and get her. And he can't contact you to tell you that. It would require him to contact the sister to contact you, wouldn't it?

So you don't find out until she is at her aunt's house, who might have not known she was coming in the first place. So everyone is in contempt.

 

Were you late picking up her daughter so she called her dad?

Tell the school you are the only one allowed to pick her up or call your daughter to confirm you are coming to get her so she doesn't make other plans.

 

It all sounds like a mess.

 

She didn’t call him, that’s not what my post states. He went to her school to see her and then took her because she asked to go. She’s 7. It was 3 hours before school let out. I explained to him he needs to make sure it’s okay because she and I may have plans.

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I understand this was not your question, but you're not "trying to control everything" by seeking child support. This is his obligation as it's for his child whom he fathered.

 

Of course it's your call, yet you have a stronger leg to stand on by going through the court system. In any event, I agree this issue with picking her up from school needs to be addressed, sooner rather than later.

 

Not asking about child support. I’m asking is it too much to ask that he simply makes sure that it is okay to get her first before picking her up and saying HEY I TOOK HER. I want it to be a habit, what if we have plans (this has been the case before) or she has a Doctor’s appointment etc etc.

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You most definitely need to protect your daughter. Remember abusers will do anything to hurt, control and manipulate you. You must extend the restraining order to everywhere you are and you must get supervised visitation and make sure those documents are on file at her school.

 

She is an innocent young child and certainly this monster can manipulate her. He does not care what is inconvenient for you or any sort of directives or requests from you. Remember his intention is harm, not compassion, not cooperation nor normal co-parenting.

He pulled a gun out on me twice. Threatened my job, constantly destroyed things in my house, would pour water on me while I was sleep to make me talk to him, block my car in so that I could not make it to work.
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He pulled a gun out on me twice. Cocked it back. Threatened my job, constantly destroyed things in my house, would pour water on me while I was sleep to make me talk to him, block my car in so that I could not make it to work. My previous post is not my life. And this post wasn’t for anyone to decide whether the order is warranted, that wasn’t my question so stick to the subject at hand before you go assuming everything wrong. And I didn’t cheat, we weren’t together when I moved on. Thank you.

 

Then why is your daughter even allowed to see him without being supervised - ie, going to a visitation center, etc., vs being able to do whatever during his time? because you didn't offer this information it sounded like you were just simply wanting to take revenge for his cheating. And why is he even visiting the daughter at school - that's where she goes to learn - not to have relatives popping in to visit.

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Hopefully you have researched articles on partner violence. Hopefully you realize that there a abundant studies that calculate risk for both domestic violence and partner homicide. Unfortunately you already know it is domestic violence but hopefully you realize you are at a very high risk for partner homicide. These include owning a gun, threatening to kill you, etc. This is why the right to have firearms is suspended when a restraining order is issued. However do not get comfortable. He may lay low for a while but you and your daughter at very high risk for future violence.

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He pulled a gun out on me twice. Cocked it back. Threatened my job, constantly destroyed things in my house, would pour water on me while I was sleep to make me talk to him, block my car in so that I could not make it to work. My previous post is not my life. And this post wasn’t for anyone to decide whether the order is warranted, that wasn’t my question so stick to the subject at hand before you go assuming everything wrong. And I didn’t cheat, we weren’t together when I moved on. Thank you.

 

Wait...so he did all that and your main concern is that he asks you before he gets your daughter? Thats a head scratcher.

 

Also is there a reason you're being so crude and passive aggressive to posters. Not gonna lie, if you act like this to strangers I have to wonder how 'one sided' this toxic relationship was.

 

Not asking about child support. I’m asking is it too much to ask that he simply makes sure that it is okay to get her first before picking her up and saying HEY I TOOK HER. I want it to be a habit, what if we have plans (this has been the case before) or she has a Doctor’s appointment etc etc.

 

So you want control and have things done on your terms rather than allowing the courts to create a parenting plan that limits your interaction and insures your daughter is financially taken care of?

 

Yeah Im sorry, but you are not thinking clearly right now, again youre months out of a 10 year toxic relationship. You need someone mature, level headed and neutral to help settle things.

 

I'm toxic and angry and so hurt when I'm around him.

 

Your own words really resonate right now. I think this is your mental space.

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This was to demonstrate to you and warn you that he can and will use your daughter to perpetuate abuse. This is to make it clear to you that he can abduct her because you have failed to get supervised visitation and failed to provide her school with appropriate documents regarding the restraining order and supervised visitation.

 

Many better school districts now require a parent to have a photo ID on file and documented designated people who also must provide photo ID who are allowed to pick up a child. This is because of the marked uptick in child abductions and custodial interference cases. This was to intimidate you and show you all the holes in your lax protection of her and yourself. He is never going to ask your permission for anything. He is not interested in amicable co-parenting. He is interested in intimidation and revenge for filing a restraining order. Don't kid yourself that abusers won't mess with loved ones in order to get to you.

is it too much to ask that he simply makes sure that it is okay to get her first before picking her up and saying HEY I TOOK HER.
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This was to demonstrate to you and warn you that he can and will use your daughter to perpetuate abuse. This is to make it clear to you that he can abduct her because you have failed to get supervised visitation and failed to provide her school with appropriate documents regarding the restraining order and supervised visitation.

 

Many better school districts now require a parent to have a photo ID on file and documented designated people who also must provide photo ID who are allowed to pick up a child. This is because of the marked uptick in child abductions and custodial interference cases. This was to intimidate you and show you all the holes in your lax protection of her and yourself. He is never going to ask your permission for anything. He is not interested in amicable co-parenting. He is interested in intimidation and revenge for filing a restraining order. Don't kid yourself that abusers won't mess with loved ones in order to get to you.

 

I’ve contacted the resource center for supervised visits. And I am going tomorrow to provide documentation to the school. Thank you for your help, I’m hoping this situation gets better.

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