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Hi I'm a 22 year old girl and I really need help making a decision about an ex!

 

Almost 5 years ago I was in a 6 month relationship with a guy I met on high school during an year abroad, he was my first love, first kiss, first everything, we were very in love, it felt pretty serious, it was also a very intense relationship with parents involved supporting the future of the relationship.

 

I had to leave the country to finish my studies back home and we decided to stay together long distance for only 6 months and then I was supposed to go back to live with him.

 

It was good the first two months, then he met someone that was just a 'friend' I was devastated but he wouldn't stop talking to her, there's was obviously something going on, I broke up with him in hopes he would regret his decision, and he didn't, I couldn't take it anymore and I told him I wanted to go back with him, he took a week to think about it and finally said no, I begged for him to say, he was pretty rude about it but also felt guilty I feel like, after that I blocked him, and I suffered a lot from it, I was extremely anxious and depressed for years and for some reason after 4-5 years is still affecting me, not as much but I can't seem to entirely move on.

 

I'm studying abroad back in the same country I met him, I'm leaving in a few weeks, and I just can't get the thought of contacting him off my mind, it still hurts me deeply since he never reached out for me (he has had relationships after me too) I know it will hurt me so much if he doesn't respond, but he has become a surreal thing in my mind, it's like I'm stuck in time. I feel like I will never get over him, and I'm afraid if I don't get a good response from him I will feel like I'm back at stage 1.

 

I know I shouldn't contact him because it worries me what he thinks of me and I feel somewhat proud that I never contacted him all these years.

 

I do want him to know I'm back in here and that I am in a relationship now, I want him to know that I've grown, that I look good and that I also moved on with my life.

 

Also if I end up going back to where he is (because I'm in the same country, but different province) ask him if maybe we could meet up ( I probably won't do this) but like I said I am extremely scared of his rejection, I feel like it would bring my self steem down once again, but I just don't know.

 

I want to do it but I'm also afraid, because even though it's been so many years it still hurts me and I haven't forgive or forget him, I don't know when I will be back to this country, I know I need to act soon if I end up doing anything since I'm almost leaving , I was just hoping to hear your opinions and advice for this, everyone tells me no, but it's been haunting my mind for so many years that I don't know what to do and it almost seems like I have to do it and I want to but don't want to sacrifice my emotional well-being.

 

I know ultimately I won't get hurt if I don't contact him but I wonder if I do, could I finally move in with my life? Maybe I will realize he isn't the same person that has lived inside my head all this time, I don't know, I just really want to move forward from it, I also feel like I might regret if he doesn't know I'm back.

 

Thank you for reading, I'm sorry it's so long!

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Keep your focus on your studies, your current relationship and your future, not the past. Will your current relationship become long distance? Are you happy in it? Continue your treatment and support for depression and anxiety.

I am in a relationship now
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I do want him to know I'm back in here and that I am in a relationship now, I want him to know that I've grown, that I look good and that I also moved on with my life.

 

You need to read your own words Lucy , is that ^^^ really the right thing to do , it is coming from your ego and your hurt pride . To you this matters enormously , but to him it wont mean anything . If someone contacted me 5 years down the line after a 6 month relationship , I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them . I wouldn't notice or care how good they looked , I would presume after 5 years they where in a relationship anyway and if they had grown as a person , well good for them and it would only be natural that they moved on with their life . Honestly it will mean nothing to him and you will realise that and feel worse then you do now .

 

Also how would you feel if your present boyfriend was going away and planned on getting in touch with his ex just to show how well he was doing ? Would you buy that ? Because it doesn't sound right does it .

 

End of the day it is up to you , but in my mind this will do no good and as we all go through life people will let us down and hurt us , you have to learn to just get on with it . Maybe a couple of sessions talking to a proffesional would help you lay this to rest .

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but I can't seem to entirely move on.

 

that I also moved on with my life.

 

?

 

I don't know how much you've moved on but you probably shouldn't be dating the guy you're with now. If my girlfriend had some obsession with showing ANY ex, let alone one from 5 years ago, how good they looked etc...I'd be seriously rethinking my relationship with her.

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I actually think you should contact him. Hear me out.

 

First, you’ve got to change your perspective a little bit. It’s been five years. You’ve gone from being a teenager to a young adult. You aren’t the same person you were then, and he likely isn’t either. You have an opportunity to be a strong, confident woman, if you choose to be. This would mean letting go of any expectations you have and just being able to enjoy a catch up with someone you once connected with, even if that’s all that ever comes of it. What would be so terrible about enjoying lunch and laughs together and then going about your life again? Why do you have to have him 100% or not at all? Would a friendship with him enrich your life? (These are rhetorical questions for you to ponder)

 

Honestly, I suspect that all along you’ve been holding him up on this pedestal, and if you were to see him again in real life, you will be disappointed. But that’s okay. IMO, that’s better than pining for someone from so long ago that you may never speak to again. At least you know.

 

Look, this life is short. Like really short. Too short to be wondering about something like this for five years. Maybe you meet him again and he’s let himself go, maybe you both will reignite old feelings, or maybe you just enjoy each other for a day. Any of those possibilities would be better than wondering for another five years. If you get your feelings hurt, that’s okay. That’s part of being human. If you never take risks, you will not have lived this life well. You will miss out on so many great experiences and so many important lessons. I have always believed that it’s much easier to say something and wish you hadn’t, than to say nothing and wish you had.

 

I also read a simple quote the other day that I love, and I’m trying to make a point to really live it every day.

 

“A boat in a harbor is safe. But that’s not what boats are for.” -William Shedd

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You have put him on a pedestal. He is not the person you remember. In reality, he is a stranger. Even back then chances are that he was not that person you thought as most of us tend to overidealize our first love. Based on what you described the break up happened because you were not compatible enough to make it work.

 

The thing is that this crush is not really about him. It's probably more about you not being happy with certain aspects of your life and using him as a distraction to escape from whatever you are missing in your own life. At this point he is more of a procrastination habit than a real crush.

 

Having said that, it is safe to assume that you are not happy in your current relationship or this crush would have been history. What is wrong with your current boyfriend? Why is he not enough? By all means do contact this guy and say hi but imo chances are that this will not fill your inner void. The real solution lies in fixing your present i.e. fixing your current relationship and finding a job that makes you so happy that your mind will not feel the urge to escape into the past anymore. Good luck.

Edited by Clio
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your life has moved on. so has his. be happy for the both of you that you're doing well in your separate lives.

 

a few thoughts for you:

1. "moving on" is an exercise within - you don't get that from other people. So move on internally and let him go.

2. the best thing we can learn in life (one of) is to not care what others think of us. It's rather vain shallow to wnat to meet ONLY to let him know how good you look, well you are doing without him - so "you can move on." Leave him be and move on without making any statements to him. A la "do onto others as you want them to do to you." It would be mean for him to ask you out just to do this to you right? So dn't do it to him.

 

Be happy with your own life.

Be happy that another human's life (that you used to love) is doing well too.

 

That's it. Everything else is unnecessary and unhealthy and not the actions of somebody who is truly happy and joyful.

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I do want him to know I'm back in here and that I am in a relationship now,

 

This makes no sense. You want to showcase for fantasy guy your capacity for disloyalty to the person with whom you're with now? What would that accomplish, exactly, except to send a message that he's be stupid to reply?

 

I wouldn't contact anyone I fantasized as having any potential for a relationship to tell them that I'm already in a relationship. I'd only contact him if I were NOT in a relationship and free to see what shakes out. Otherwise, I'd just trash any potential with someone who'd presumably own the private ethics that would matter to me.

 

Think.

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I totally agree, my studies are the most important and I should keep on making them a priority like I have all this time. I talked to my current boyfriend and we decided to stay together long distance, I'm scared the story will be repeated but I think we're both mature enough to make it work while I come back.

I am taking meds for my depression and anxiety, when I go back home I will start going to therapy and hopefully that will help too!

Thank you so much for your response!!

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You need to read your own words Lucy , is that ^^^ really the right thing to do , it is coming from your ego and your hurt pride . To you this matters enormously , but to him it wont mean anything . If someone contacted me 5 years down the line after a 6 month relationship , I would wonder what the hell was wrong with them . I wouldn't notice or care how good they looked , I would presume after 5 years they where in a relationship anyway and if they had grown as a person , well good for them and it would only be natural that they moved on with their life . Honestly it will mean nothing to him and you will realise that and feel worse then you do now .

 

Also how would you feel if your present boyfriend was going away and planned on getting in touch with his ex just to show how well he was doing ? Would you buy that ? Because it doesn't sound right does it .

 

End of the day it is up to you , but in my mind this will do no good and as we all go through life people will let us down and hurt us , you have to learn to just get on with it . Maybe a couple of sessions talking to a proffesional would help you lay this to rest .

 

I've been thinking about it and you're right, it's only normal for anyone to think their ex has moved on with their life anyways, and yes it is coming from my hurt ego and pride, it's very sad to think that it won't mean anything to him because I know that's true, but why should I contact someone that didn't bother to get in touch for so long with me in the first place.

I don't want to expose myself to his rejection again and I won't, I guess the nostalgia of leaving again made me think about getting in touch but I probably won't do it , I know it will hurt me and I don't want to ruin the great time I had here or my current relationship.

 

Thank you so so much! :)

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?

 

I don't know how much you've moved on but you probably shouldn't be dating the guy you're with now. If my girlfriend had some obsession with showing ANY ex, let alone one from 5 years ago, how good they looked etc...I'd be seriously rethinking my relationship with her.

 

I'm just starting to open myself up again, and I do feel like I still have a lot of work to do within myself to be a 100% over the situation, but being in my current relationship just feels right.

I won't contact him, of course my current bf doesn't know all of this, he doesn't even know how my ex and I broke up exactly and maybe I'll bring it up forward in the relationship if it works out because it is important to me, but I don't want that to ruin what I have right now, thank you!!

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I understand where you are coming from. Just try and remember that if you take the step of contacting, most likely it will not help your healing. Infact, it will push you very far back in your healing process. Start to see the progress you have made in those 5 years, and learn to value your worth. It's not about what your ex sees. It's over. I speak from personal experience. You hold onto guilt or shame, and it eats away at you. It's your ego talking. Even if you got validation, it may still feel empty. I wish you good luck.

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