How can I heal?

[justcuriousy]

I was with my ex for a year and a half, nearing to two years. We were together constantly and very in love. However, there were some issues during the relationship (different cultural backgrounds, different religious beliefs, him not wanting children) which led to him attempting multiple times to end things and then changing his mind because he "loves me too much". I loved him unconditionally and always took him back despite how much he hurt me. In hindsight, these are very real concerns and we should have discussed them at length but we decided to mostly repress them. He also did not value my opinion at all, he would immediately shut down any suggestions I made and make plans without consulting me/asking what I want and expecting me to go with him anyway. Eventually, we broke up permanently. It was messy. I was heartbroken for months, I cried constantly, didn't eat much and was completely distraught. I had lost the only person I ever loved romantically, the first person I'd ever been intimate with and someone who had grown to be my best friend. It was tough.

I just don't know how to get over it. It has been 6 months now. I have thrown myself into my studies and the gym. I have tried casual dating but I can't move on from him. I'm plagued by our memories and how happy he once made me. People have told me to only focus on the bad times to help me, which I do but it's difficult because there were also many good times. Usually these memories come side by side.

 

Please give me advice on how to move on from this. I don't want to be heartbroken or sad anymore.

 

Ps we don't talk at all and have each other completely blocked on social media

[figureitout23]

Well first things first you’re going to be ok.

 

You’re deffinetely not idealizing the relationship which is great, but you’re inexplicably idealizing him, So it’s quite possible you miss the idea of him and what he represented to you.

 

As you said the relationship simply didn’t work it was pretty toxic which can be really hard to get over but just take everything one day at a time you’re doing great going to the gym going out with friends maybe some self help books therapy if you can afford it definitely don’t date that’s not gonna help, Unfortunately there is no magic pill or words that can make the pain go away If they did they would be bazillionaires, you simply have to work through it, You’re going to be OK allow yourself time

[Carus]

I have thrown myself into my studies and the gym. I have tried casual dating but I can't move on from him. I'm plagued by our memories and how happy he once made me. People have told me to only focus on the bad times to help me, which I do but it's difficult because there were also many good times. Usually these memories come side by side.

On top of what Figureitout* says, dating, gym, studies etc are good but are just external distractions. This is a mental battle as well, as I'm sure you're realizing....

 

Try to get some meditation into your daily routine to help with calming the anxiety. I've found Joe Dispenza and Lisa Romano et al on YouTube very helpful....

 

It's hard to focus on the 'bad' in the relationship, especially if it wasn't really all that bad. You also don't want to move forward with bitterness in your soul.

 

This video might help too:

 

Treat yourself with kindness. Keep taking care of your health. Time alone doesn't heal wounds but it is a big component of it so be patient with yourself ok*

 

Sending You Strength.

 

Carus*

[TeddyPSmith]

I read this article today as I’ve been suffering a lot lately. I found it helpful. Maybe you can gather a tiny bit of wisdom from it.

 

Just know that what you are experiencing is completely normal. The waves will keep coming. You will painfully get through each one. You’ll feel a tad better after each one, although the improvement is painfully unnoticeable.

 

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/cant-stop-thinking-past-relationships/

[DanZee]

What can I say, it just takes time. I think we've all been in your shoes. For me, my first girlfriend broke up with me after less than a year but her office was next to mine so I ran into her daily for the next 18 months. I made weak attempts at seeing her, walking with her here and there, talking with her, but it only made moving on even harder. I thought about her for years. I still do. Just writing this makes me think of her again 40 years later. But that's why I believe in the No Contact philosophy and distracting yourself as much as possible. With the Christmas party season here, take advantage of going out and hanging out with your friends as family as much as possible. And hopefully you can get a few minutes of peace here and there where you're not thinking of your boyfriend.

[Seymore]

It takes time. I'm 3 years in after leaving a toxic ex and while the gym isn't my deal, I've gone to therapy, made new friends, started guitar classes and picked up a locksmith hobby. I know that last one is sketchy to some but I've helped some of my neighbors into their house or car and it gives me such a rewarding feeling, especially when I refuse any compensation. I enjoy helping people.

 

I have started working out at home and maybe I'll end up in a gym. We will see how that pans out.

 

These are things I've always wanted to do (aside from therapy lol) and it's helping to re-establish a feeling of self. I'm not 100% better yet but these things have helped me to find my own life again.

[rykiel1]

I probably won't be of much help to you since I'm going through an emotionally abusive relationship at the moment that will most likely will not last by the end of this week, so I'm probably going to go through the phase that you're in now too. The only thing I can say, that I've heard from other people is that it takes time. People deal with breakups differently, some take only a month, some take years. But I firmly believe there is going to be a day when you realize you haven't thought about him all day and eventually, all week, and so on so forth. And when that day comes, it's going to be one of the best feelings in the world. You just have to continue fighting your way through it no matter how bad you feel. Focus on improving yourself through school, gym, picking up a hobby, going out with friends, distract yourself with movies, TV shows & books. Try anything and everything to help you think less and less of him.

 

Don't give up and keep trying