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My ex and I had a very rough breakup. Heck, a rough relationship. She was emotionally abusive and one time physically abusive and I left. I haven't responded to her since December 2015, but that didn't stop her from trying to contact me in various ways. When she physically entered my complex two years ago I went for a restraining order but they couldn't give me one as I reported it too late. The police warned her not to contact me but it's been so long that I don't think two emails in a year and a half would be grounds for a restraining order.

 

I don't feel like going into the backstory again but earlier this month she emailed me from a new address asking to meet for coffee. I blocked that email address and didn't respond as usual.

 

Tonight I was clearing out my spam and found that she messaged me two days ago saying how she hopes I'm happy and healthy. I have one of those free websites for my portfolio where you can't configure much so I can't block her from there.

 

I just emailed the website asking if they can possibly block her from their end. In the meantime I kept the email in a stalking folder in case it goes further.

 

3 years and she still won't give up. It affects me a lot less than it used to but it still bugs me.

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Sorry to hear that Seymore*

 

But I'm also sorry for her too that she's still going through it on some level...A grave warning for dumpees for sure. Your post strengthens my resolve to stay NC and keep moving forward.

 

I'm curious though, why you wouldn't meet her after this amount of time.

 

Is it something in you? Is it you don't want to give her any false hope? All of the above...? etc

 

Hope you're doing well.

 

Carus*

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Why don't you change your email address?

 

 

 

While I already have two email addresses and it would be a pain to update everything, I considered that. If I change my address, I have to change it on my website so possible clients can reach me, and she will have access to it then. If the website responds to me and can block her I think I will be ok, then I can change my email.

 

I know that's a lot of rambling but I did consider it. We will see if the site I'm on can block her.

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Sorry to hear that Seymore*

 

But I'm also sorry for her too that she's still going through it on some level...A grave warning for dumpees for sure. Your post strengthens my resolve to stay NC and keep moving forward.

 

I'm curious though, why you wouldn't meet her after this amount of time.

 

Is it something in you? Is it you don't want to give her any false hope? All of the above...? etc

 

Hope you're doing well.

 

Carus*

 

She has had a history of abuse (especially alcohol abuse) and violence, not to mention cheating. I just don't believe that has all changed or will ever change, especially at her age. None of her correspondence even mentioned the work she's done, because I know she's done no work. I've kept tabs (I check the county docket every few months) and know she's been sued three times this year, so her life is still full of drama.

 

I know she wants to be "friends", and then try to slowly push me into another relationship. Suck me back in slowly. I don't buy the friendly image at all and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

She's not going through it, either. She just wants control over me again and wants all I have to offer and this is a ploy. She's not getting what she wants and it's driving her crazy.

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While I already have two email addresses and it would be a pain to update everything, I considered that. If I change my address, I have to change it on my website so possible clients can reach me, and she will have access to it then. If the website responds to me and can block her I think I will be ok, then I can change my email.

 

I know that's a lot of rambling but I did consider it. We will see if the site I'm on can block her.

 

That's a problem.

 

Why can't you get her for harassment? She continues to reach out, after you have told her not to contact you.

 

She sounds really off.

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That's a problem.

 

Why can't you get her for harassment? She continues to reach out, after you have told her not to contact you.

 

She sounds really off.

 

Because it's twice in a year and a half (who knows how many more she had sent from the addresses I've blocked and never got). I don't think anyone could consider that harassment.

 

She is off, definitely. I got to know her too well for the 2.5 years we dated. And when she showed up wasted in my building in July, two years ago, it confirmed it. Unfortunately she was banging on my neighbor's door that night and my neighbor didn't tell me until a month later - too late to file a report, according to the police.

 

But I'm keeping all of this correspondence in case it gets ugly again in the coming months. Then I can build a case.

 

My friend just told me "you must be a hell of a lay!"... Funny but at the same time not so funny.

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Sorry to hear that Seymore*

 

But I'm also sorry for her too that she's still going through it on some level...A grave warning for dumpees for sure. Your post strengthens my resolve to stay NC and keep moving forward.

 

I'm curious though, why you wouldn't meet her after this amount of time.

 

Is it something in you? Is it you don't want to give her any false hope? All of the above...? etc

 

Hope you're doing well.

 

Carus*

 

It's probably because he's mentally healthy now and doesn't want to waste his time and mental health on a dangerous abusive woman.

 

I'd block and delete her too and also save everything in case I have to file a restraining order or file for harassment. Never engage with abusive people if you can.

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She has had a history of abuse (especially alcohol abuse) and violence, not to mention cheating. I just don't believe that has all changed or will ever change, especially at her age. None of her correspondence even mentioned the work she's done, because I know she's done no work. I've kept tabs (I check the county docket every few months) and know she's been sued three times this year, so her life is still full of drama.

 

I know she wants to be "friends", and then try to slowly push me into another relationship. Suck me back in slowly. I don't buy the friendly image at all and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

She's not going through it, either. She just wants control over me again and wants all I have to offer and this is a ploy. She's not getting what she wants and it's driving her crazy.

 

I'm so happy that you can see through her and don't want to engage in the abuse again. Many people stay in this cycle of abuse for so many years and never push through or let themselves get sucked in again all of the time. Keep avoiding her and eventually it'll all be fine. She'll probably find another victim and leave you alone. Just don't engage with her AT ALL and if she does something crazy press charges.

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I'm so happy that you can see through her and don't want to engage in the abuse again. Many people stay in this cycle of abuse for so many years and never push through or let themselves get sucked in again all of the time. Keep avoiding her and eventually it'll all be fine. She'll probably find another victim and leave you alone. Just don't engage with her AT ALL and if she does something crazy press charges.

 

Thank you! It can be difficult but I'm glad I stayed NC. You always want to believe things will be better but what's the cost, you know? And after a while through their behavior you start to see that things really haven't changed. It's sad but I've gotta keep pressing on.

 

I'm very careful of what I tell certain family members about my personal life as well. I have a strong feeling a couple of them are still friends with her on FB and maybe even still have contact. It's a life of paranoia but it's getting better.

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So she has contacted you twice in a year and a half? Did I read that correctly?

 

IF so, and you're this wound up about it, enough to start a thread, you are not over it, have not moved on.

 

Own that, at least.

 

This also explains why you don't want to engage, she still has power over your emotions since you said (indirectly) she's capable of pulling you back in.

 

If you had moved on, this would not be a concern for you and you'd be able to have a civil convo with her and give her some closure.

 

So maybe look into that to determine why you're having such a difficult time extricating yourself emotionally.

 

As for her, she still cares which is why she still reaches out, even if sporadically.

 

Best of luck.

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Victims don't have to prove they are over or above it by attempting civil pleasantries with someone who has proven amply civilized behavior is out of their reach.

 

Your mentality is just fine Seymore. Keep your resolve to not engage with her.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth, thank you.

 

Also, I never said I was 100% over it. I said I was definitely doing better. I know the details of the hell I went through weren't in my original post but I've had to call police on her while in the relationship and deal with her abuse. 3 months after the breakup we had a "civil" conversation after she snuck into my complex, and she tried telling me she never choked me and that I was the on who did it to her, and that other things she did never happened. I started it civil and she showed me that all she was interested in doing was gaslighting me, and all the while doing so with a sick smile. I don't wish to have such a conversation again.

 

Closure comes from within and I'm working on bettering my life.

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Victims don't have to prove they are over or above it by attempting civil pleasantries with someone who has proven amply civilized behavior is out of their reach.

 

Your mentality is just fine Seymore. Keep your resolve to not engage with her.

 

No but it’s also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range after these many years.

 

I get that seymore is a regular poster and Is liked by many but come on, this isn’t healthy.

 

How long until someone has the balls to tell him this is far too long to still be so wound up about all this. These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....

 

We all heal in our own ways. I would never argue that, you’ve endured a lot, I’ve been there, you know it, so I get it.

 

But it does seem it’s time for you to take extra steps to get over this final ‘hump’

 

To say that your healing has stalled would be an understatement. You still post in the post here instead of contacting your ex, not a judgement, there are times I’ve doing the most mundane things and a past memory will pop into my head and I’ll get angry or upset, but on this post you are acting like it’s all her, like Kat said, own your part. How else will you heal?

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These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....

 

 

What excuses? My refusal to do anything to stop her? I've blocked her and she emails through a new address. I've gotten completely off social media. I've contacted local police. What do you suggest now?

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What excuses? My refusal to do anything to stop her? I've blocked her and she emails through a new address. I've gotten completely off social media. I've contacted local police. What do you suggest now?

 

If you are honestly so negatively affected by her contact DELETE THE EMAIL.

 

Seymore it is 2018, there are far too many ways to get rid of people we don't want contacting us. Stalking is illegal. There are resources available to get away from abusers, I worked at one.

 

While I already have two email addresses and it would be a pain to update everything, I considered that. If I change my address, I have to change it on my website so possible clients can reach me, and she will have access to it then. If the website responds to me and can block her I think I will be ok, then I can change my email.

 

I know that's a lot of rambling but I did consider it. We will see if the site I'm on can block her.

 

The level of nonchalance when questioned about how she is still able to contact you...

 

Its like everyones noticing the fire and you're waving trying to divert our attention like "NO, NO, NO, dont look over there, look over here!"

 

You're a participant Seymore. You get something out of this. You aren't ready to let go yet, leaving that door cracked ever so slightly, these posts.... seems to me its all a way to indirectly keep her in the forefront of your mind.

 

I know how hard it is. Eventually though you are going to have to look within. That doesn't mean what she did doesn't matter or that it didn't affect you,of course it did! its simply you respecting and loving yourself enough to get better for you, stripping her of any and all power she has over you, for you.

 

You keep putting a bandage over the pussfilled gaping wound, and when someone points out you keep picking at it, you lash out that its not your fault it isnt healing, even though you have access to the antibiotics.

 

What would you be without that wound though? Who would you be? Are you afraid of life without the pain?

 

You are actively standing in your own way Seymore.

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No but it’s also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range

 

I didn't see him go ballistic in this post or anything of the kind at all that would prompt me to "muster the balls to tell him he isn't acting normal". And was not commenting on his healing process but the very disturbing idea that one should "prove" to their abusive ex (or to anyone) how over they are by engaging with them, and the idea that anyone owes an abusive ex closure. Both scream perfectly unhealthy to me.

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Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting he engage with her to "prove" anything. To her, to himself, to anyone.

 

My only point was to say when one reaches indifference, responding back telling her (not asking, directly telling her) to stop contact and wish her well becomes a non-issue.

 

There is no fear of her "pulling him back in" or being at all affected by the communique.

 

Breaking no contact can actually even be quite healing, it was for me with my long term ex, who became a bit abusive towards the end due to drug addiction.

 

It actually gave me a sense of peace and enabled me to move on for good, versus remaining stuck which is where OP is now, imo.

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No but it’s also no the healthy to act like his reaction is within a normal range after these many years.

 

I get that seymore is a regular poster and Is liked by many but come on, this isn’t healthy.

 

How long until someone has the balls to tell him this is far too long to still be so wound up about all this. These excuses about the email address the refusal to do anything to stop her even though her affect is still this strong....

 

We all heal in our own ways. I would never argue that, you’ve endured a lot, I’ve been there, you know it, so I get it.

 

But it does seem it’s time for you to take extra steps to get over this final ‘hump’

 

To say that your healing has stalled would be an understatement. You still post in the post here instead of contacting your ex, not a judgement, there are times I’ve doing the most mundane things and a past memory will pop into my head and I’ll get angry or upset, but on this post you are acting like it’s all her, like Kat said, own your part. How else will you heal?

 

I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

 

Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

 

I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.

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I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

 

Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

 

I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.

 

Thanks Annia. I did get a reply today from the website host and all of her emails are blocked now. They've also been blocked in my email account as soon as I would receive one from her.

 

You are correct about some people being the type to not stop even after a meeting to declare it's over. I know this because I've had to cut off all mutual friends and some family - the minute I would talk to one of them, I knew they would talk to her because she would ramp up the attempts. So I cut all ties and that's when she really got nuts because there was nobody left to feed her information.

 

A Meetup to end things in her mind would be a victory knowing that her persistence in getting a response paid off, and open a whole new can of worms. She has no sense of boundaries.

 

I never claimed to be 100% but compared to even one year ago, I am doing much better.

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I didn't see him go ballistic in this post or anything of the kind at all that would prompt me to "muster the balls to tell him he isn't acting normal". And was not commenting on his healing process but the very disturbing idea that one should "prove" to their abusive ex (or to anyone) how over they are by engaging with them, and the idea that anyone owes an abusive ex closure. Both scream perfectly unhealthy to me.

 

 

So my original response was flagged so I will respond more respectfully. You are correct, I also did not see him go balistic on anyone, didnt accuse him of it either but I digress. I actually agree with you an abusive ex is not owed anything. He owes it to himself to take the proper steps to move forward. Thats the message I took away from the comment you are referencing, I cannot speak for her nor do I know the intent of her message but she goes on to explain further what she meant by her comment and I tend to agree. No, he doesnt owe her an explaination or anything of the sort but he owes it to himself to take the proper steps to no longer be exposed to her as she is a trigger.

 

I wouldn't answer to my abusive ex either despite we having broken up years ago.

 

Sure the OP is wound up and us probably traumatized after the abuse he endured. If he needs therapy or extra help so be it, he's not 100% over it... but I'd never recommend an abuse victim to answer to emails from their abusive ex or try to be civil with them to appease them. He doesn't owe his abuser closure and it's great he's not engaging with her and knows this. Some abusers won't stop trying to reach out even if you "answer politely". He knows what kind of abuser this woman is better than us.

 

I think there are ways of blocking her email and he should try finding them out and delete her for good.

 

No quite sure why my post was used to reference someone elses post but to respond I agree with you. Theres no use in responding,my quoted post wasnt referencing responding but rather attempting to get over the final 'hump' and continue on his road of healing since he seems quite stuck.

 

 

Thanks Annia. I did get a reply today from the website host and all of her emails are blocked now. They've also been blocked in my email account as soon as I would receive one from her.

 

You are correct about some people being the type to not stop even after a meeting to declare it's over. I know this because I've had to cut off all mutual friends and some family - the minute I would talk to one of them, I knew they would talk to her because she would ramp up the attempts. So I cut all ties and that's when she really got nuts because there was nobody left to feed her information.

 

A Meetup to end things in her mind would be a victory knowing that her persistence in getting a response paid off, and open a whole new can of worms. She has no sense of boundaries.

 

I never claimed to be 100% but compared to even one year ago, I am doing much better.

 

Glad to hear you were able to get her blocked from that email Seymore. Im sure that was a huge relief, one less trigger. as for the second part, thats insane that family and friends are still engaging with her, do they know your history with her? I would have cut them off as well. You cant reach a happy and healthy place is you're surrounded by drama, so now that no one is left to feed her info and no more access points, now you can begin the final phase of healing. Her lack of boundaries, luckily, is no longer your concern. Any and everything she does, her issues, you're free.

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So my original response was flagged so I will respond more respectfully. You are correct, I also did not see him go balistic on anyone, didnt accuse him of it either but I digress. I actually agree with you an abusive ex is not owed anything. He owes it to himself to take the proper steps to move forward. Thats the message I took away from the comment you are referencing, I cannot speak for her nor do I know the intent of her message but she goes on to explain further what she meant by her comment and I tend to agree. No, he doesnt owe her an explaination or anything of the sort but he owes it to himself to take the proper steps to no longer be exposed to her as she is a trigger.

 

 

 

No quite sure why my post was used to reference someone elses post but to respond I agree with you. Theres no use in responding,my quoted post wasnt referencing responding but rather attempting to get over the final 'hump' and continue on his road of healing since he seems quite stuck.

 

 

 

 

Glad to hear you were able to get her blocked from that email Seymore. Im sure that was a huge relief, one less trigger. as for the second part, thats insane that family and friends are still engaging with her, do they know your history with her? I would have cut them off as well. You cant reach a happy and healthy place is you're surrounded by drama, so now that no one is left to feed her info and no more access points, now you can begin the final phase of healing. Her lack of boundaries, luckily, is no longer your concern. Any and everything she does, her issues, you're free.

 

Yes, they know my history. That's one reason I got off social media - I have most of my family overseas who never met her in person and they saw all the good times on FB so they assumed she was great. One cousin even told me I was wrong to leave despite me telling her about the abuse. One member kept sending her gifts of the things she collects, according to the ex.

 

When she showed up at my place she told me my family overseas was very supportive of her, again with that sick smile, I knew she reveled in the fact that she had them. Well, she can have them. I messaged everyone in my family that she was friends with saying I was so embarrassed to ask but please delete her. Some agreed immediately and I stay in contact with them, but some refused.

 

Over the next year after the breakup she tried friending other friends and family members of mine. I know her plan was to convince them she wasn't all that bad. The following year on my birthday my godmother asked to take me to dinner and at that dinner said she talked with my ex. I told her again all the abuse (and she's a social worker), and asked her to please unfriend her. She said she would think about it and that she was a good person. I know she hasn't unfriended her so every holiday when family comes over, I'm very careful what I share about my personal life to her.

 

I really try and I hated asking people to unfriend others but it sucks when you can't trust blood. It's made me very paranoid and yes it has hampered things but despite that I feel I've still come a long way. Ditching friends AND family is hard.

 

I don't look for her car on the way to or from work (our paths cross on the way), I've passed her house a couple of times and I feel less and less. But I'm still angry at what she took. And I know some of the blame lies on me for getting with her in the first place and I'm trying to accept that and move on. Really I am.

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