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How did you get your life together after the Narcissist


Cocoapetal

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That's awesome, LH. I love that tactic.

 

My ex husband used to harass me about money. I sometimes had to ask for an advance on the monthly child support because unexpected expenses came up. I knew I'd have to listen to a 20 minute lecture on how irresponsible I was with money. So I'd just hold the phone away from my ear and every so often I'd hold it up to my mouth to say "Yes, you're right. I know, I am irresponsible". I always got the advance lol. As long as I verbally agreed with him he would send that check!

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That's awesome, LH. I love that tactic.

 

My ex husband used to harass me about money. I sometimes had to ask for an advance on the monthly child support because unexpected expenses came up. I knew I'd have to listen to a 20 minute lecture on how irresponsible I was with money. So I'd just hold the phone away from my ear and every so often I'd hold it up to my mouth to say "Yes, you're right. I know, I am irresponsible". I always got the advance lol. As long as I verbally agreed with him he would send that check!

 

Ha! That's actually another tactic that was written about in the same article. Just agree, give them the positive reinforcement they need.

 

I use that one with my mother. Works every time.:p

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I love the part about selecting the voice in our head. Im going to actively try and internalise that . Ill spend the next few weeks developing my inner cheer leader.

 

I've found it helpful to play my 'adult' voice in response to the whiney child who wants to see things negatively and hang on to past hurts. I've helped my small self envision some carrot in the future, and I talk myself into getting THERE instead of hiding behind unnecessary barriers. So it's not about doing fake rah-rah's when I don't feel up to them, it's about finding my true inner motivation: How can I behave my way into someday being proud of how I handled this time when I look back?

 

yes I agree, my body follows my intentions. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed. Few days later I am sick and can hardly leave the house..

I know its psychosomatic as Im hardly ever sick.

 

Use bribery. Set up rewards for every small milestone, and then work your way toward earning those. Whether it's treating yourself to favorite takeout if you can move through your workday focused on lifting UP the people around you, or whether it's shopping for new bedding on the weekend if you can identify 1 new potential friend that week--little games like this always move me out of my own way, and they direct my focus onto what kind of service I can be to someone else.

 

During times of grief or anxiety, I temporarily fill my calendar with commitments to friends, neighbors and family that I won't break. Whenever I 'show up' for other people, I feel valuable for making someone else's life easier during a time when I can't enjoy very much myself. When I'm tenderized by grief, I can relax my ego and be kind and more generous to the shortcomings of others. I can relax into being a good listener instead of trying to drive anyone's perceptions of me. This grounds me, and it's strengthened my bonds with people in ways that never would have been possible before.

 

I like the part about ditching the story, its easy to get attached to being a victim. I dont want this in myself, I know i fall into that ditch sometimes.

 

Yes! The 'story' could have become a real growth killer for me. So rather than adopting a victim role, I appreciate the experience for opening my eyes to the strength and resilience I want to gain as life skills. The idea that I can become BETTER from a lousy experience had not occurred to me before.

 

Head high, we all learn by living.

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