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How did you get your life together after the Narcissist


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Hello

Ive been away for a while. I do not blame anyone but myself in all of this, i am seeking to take back control of my life.

 

He wormed his way back in, the ex. I worked on myself nd I was in a much better place, I had gotten over him.

He begged and apologised and wooed me and wined and dined me. I opened up to him and allowed him in. We were not in a relationship but in a business partner/psedo - friendship arrangement and I was also a part time employee in his company. I helped with sales/ marketing. I was overworked and underpaid. We still flirted, people still thought we were a couple. I enjoyed being around him, secretly hoping that i would one day prove my use and loyalty. maybe we would get back together since we have such "chemistry".

 

As with every narcissist, it was an unequal relationship. Bonding like crazy, talking about his childhood one minute, dinners, dates, compliments and flirting. The next moment, being called a , s**T , shouted at over the phone and in public, being ignored, silent treatment, sabotaging my business deals, constantly being on edge, shifting goalposts, being distant. Over time, his hatred of me was palpable. I was not allowed to have opinions. My company lost money as all my energy, time and attention was siphoned into His . I was drained .

 

I knew i was in trouble and I started planning my exit.I started studying about narcissistic abuse and codependency and I wanted out. What was my part in this? It felt wrong being treated like this, standing up for myself brought more punishment . I felt too powerless to do anything abut it.

One day I uncovered a lot of lies in his personal life/ a criminal past / GBH/ Prison sentences for serious crimes i knew nothing about/ and that he had stolen some of my intellectual property. He said he did it so " to have a one up on me" . I was accused of " not the kind of woman that can be controlled" I was discarded- and happily so. i started doubting myself again. Am I over reacting? Am I seeing things that weren't there? Did i push him?

 

I blame myself for thinking That by allowing him in and being open, I could prove my loyalty and he will reciprocate . I still loved him and had this fantasy of us being a "power couple" running successful businesses side by side. fantasy. i was called every name under the sun.He said he had gone beyond hate to not feeling anything for me- i doubt he ever did. He said his goal was to completely destroy me. I was shocked and bewildered. I was physically shaking for days.

 

Today- ive been sick every month this year , migraines, throwing up, flu- no energy i feel like I'm floating through life. My spark is gone. My business is suffering. i feel like my insides have been scooped out.

 

I haven't been able to get myself back.

 

Im still in therapy, but i feel its slow . I need action- i need it now.

 

I keep getting images of how to end it and some part of me has planned it in my head.

I know I wont act on it- I'm still processing the shock and bewilderment.

I let the monster back in and now I'm bleeding to death.

 

ive blocked him on every platform, he says i owe him money for his contribution to my venture. I was left broke- too broke to hire a solicitor. there might be a court case pending.

 

Please dont bash me over the head with how silly I have been- I know this. I know.. It takes someone of incredibly low self esteem and worth to get entangled in this.

I feel like the walking dead. I need help.

Edited by Cocoapetal
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Read up on sociopaths. Get therapy to improve your self esteem and guide you through it all. Recover what is yours and block and delete him as well as stop working for or doing business with him. Get an attorney and sue him for the intellectual property theft. Do you have copyrights, patents or trademarks on it? Don't be passive or continue to feel like his victim. Take action and get help.

 

Is this a coworker, business partner or a bf?

We were not in a relationship but in a business partner/ friendship arrangement and I was also a part time employee in his company.

I uncovered a lot of lies in his personal life/ a criminal past / GBH/ Prison sentences for serious crimes he had stolen some of my intellectual property.

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He was an ex who i had no contact with for months. He said he was separated from his childs mother,.. but i doubt so now. He came on strong and dumped me as soon as i let him in fully.

we work in the same industry so we kept seeing each other at trade shows and events. we became business partners as we took on a joint lease and did some projects together. eventually, he became a partner in my company and I managed his sales.

 

Ive cut off all ties. personal and business there is no contact.

He still after everything approached me to work together again.

Im building up my case as i have evidence of verbal harassment and that I am the rightful owner and creator of said property. HE registered my trademark in his name and has used this to blackmail me for months.

 

What keeps hitting me in waves is the level of betrayal for someone who wasn't who i thought he was.

I have to be an adult now and take responsibility.

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It sounds like you had an affair with a married man and decided to go to work for him in his company. "Verbal harassment"? Please see an attorney and get your facts straight.

 

He can't register anything that is already copyrighted, registered, patented, etc by you. If you don't have any evidence of intellectual property theft you don't have a case. If he's your employer you can see an attorney for sexual harassment, but you can't sue for an affair with a married man that went bad because you're hurt and angry, yet still hang on and choosing to work with him, be infatuated with him, etc...

 

It's you who need to block and delete him and stop doing business with him. Go to an attorney if you have a case and to a therapist to help you set boundaries and make better choices. You could also use some business advice.

He said he was separated from his childs mother. we became business partners as we took on a joint lease and did some projects together. I managed his sales.

Im building up my case as i have evidence of verbal harassment and that I am the rightful owner and creator of said property. HE registered my trademark in his name

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I feel your response is harsh and judgemental - its impossible to put the whole incident in a few paragraphs- ive also put the focus of the post on what I need to do to heal from this.... but for what its worth thanks for your input.

 

It wasn't an affair with a married man, during when we briefly dated I had been to his place over weekends and he doesn't live with anyone, he lived alone and still does. He told me about - the mother of his child who he didnt live with and he convinced me at the time that there was nothing else between them except for talk of child and babysitting .

 

I didnt "go to work for him in his company" as you have put it- we ran a few projects together and it made financial sense to pool resources and do it as a joint entity. Eventually i got roped into managing some aspects of his business - initially I didnt object. I objected when it prevented me from carrying out my own duties in my own venture. During our time in business there was NO physical contact.

 

Im not suing for an "Affair that went bad" Im not suing at all- i just want my property back and to move on and rebuild my life.

I think I would know when I'm being harassed, shouted at and called names. I think i would know when someone is flying off the handle and over reacting. you come off as very judgemental in this especially for someone who wasn't present when these incidents happen.

 

Im not an arrogant or self-conceited person, I always like to put myself in the other persons shoes and apologise when I think I'm wrong. or have offended someone I wrote to him on numerous occasions asking how we could work together and if he could stop the name calling. I asked that we seek mediation to part amicably but he refused. I put myself through study and and therapy about codependency and my role in it. He's a narcissist, a self confessed one who calculated and plotted his way to destroy me- His words.

You must realise that ppl like him are very skilled at manipulating and twisting situations and making you doubt yourself. everything I thought I knew about him was a lie, His age, date of birth, his brushes with the law.

 

My property wasn't trademarked yet, i created and sold with it, we discussed it, mentioned id do it when the company gets bigger. He then goes behind my back and purchases the trademark to his own name.

It worries me that if you read this situation like this, then others will too.

I dont like feeling like i have to defend myself to you, I know what happened, and what ive been through Im just trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.

You're entitled to your opinion as I am.

Edited by Cocoapetal
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My exwife isn't a tenfold narcissist but she does have traits. Covert/Altruistic Narcissist seems to cover it....

 

I went through the Love Bomb, Devalue and Discard wringer as described in narcissistic abuse texts.

 

I lost everything and I think the worst thing I lost was my identity. I did so much to try and make it work I lost my sense of who I really was as I morphed into what she wanted me to be....

 

Another big loss was 90% of my community :-/

 

It is difficult to recover from these types of relationships and yes they say there is much about ourselves as to why we attracted and went through it in the first place.

 

14 months for me with breadcrumbs along the way and I'm still in quite a bit of pain.

 

I've tried so many things.

 

But the biggest part of your recovery will be to turn inwards, find your inner child, nurture that child, partner with yourself and begin the journey to self love and self care.

 

Some channels that have helped me (on YouTube) are:

Alan Robarge

Melanie Tonia Evans

Soul GPS

Teal Swan

 

I think the best audio book I bought (and I've bought lots!) is: The Journey From Abandonment by Susan Anderson.

 

You also need to do your best to block this guy from your life although that will be difficult if there's going to be court involved.

 

In the meantime, sleep and eat the best you can. Look for some meditation vids on YT and start incorporating that into every day. Stay off the alcohol. Drink plenty of water. Cry when you need to. Reach out for help.

 

There's probably going to be some CPTSD here too. EFT can help with that.

 

Hope this helps. Let us know how you're going.

 

Carus*

Edited by Carus
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Thanks for your Thoughtful Post.

I listen to Lisa Romano, and Alan Roberge on Youtube every day while putting on my makeup and getting ready in the morning. It was Lisa Romano's YT videos that confirmed the funny feeling I was having in my gut.

I will look into the others you have mentioned . Thank you very Much.

 

Yes we had some joint friends and Ive had to back off from them too. I feel like I also have to remove the mental filter of his opinions from my mind.

 

what worries me the most is that since we parted Ive been sick ALL the time . like every couple of weeks, ill get a debilitating migraine that causes me to spend the day throwing up and in bed and two days recovering. Its cost me money as ive had to cancel meetings. Drs have said I'm Fine. I think its a psychosomatic reaction to the shock and stress. Im in bed now sick again since wednesday.

 

I know that I saw his traits but I thought if i was open and honest then there will be no need to feel like he had to hide himself from me. I wasn't at the receiving end of his anger and harsh words for a long time , i never thought it will be my turn on day ..my naivety I suppose. I thought maybe our relationship didnt work but business will as it was more straightforward. neither did.

I had a stint of drinking every night, Im off the alcohol now.

Thanks for your response xx

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Lisa Romano has some good 'Inner Child' meditation vids...

 

Joe Dispenza is another good one I've come across recently....

what worries me the most is that since we parted Ive been sick ALL the time . like every couple of weeks, ill get a debilitating migraine that causes me to spend the day throwing up and in bed and two days recovering. Its cost me money as ive had to cancel meetings. Drs have said I'm Fine. I think its a psychosomatic reaction to the shock and stress. Im in bed now sick again since wednesday.

I would agree with that....Stress is the biggest killer and takes it's toll on your entire system....

 

Somehow I didn't get sick per se, but I did have several nervous system and adrenal system breakdowns....

 

Don't try to do too much right now ok. Just do what needs to be done and rest as you can.

I know that I saw his traits but I thought if i was open and honest then there will be no need to feel like he had to hide himself from me.

Yeh I relate to that...and they probably do hide themselves from us...for a while....

 

Especially in the honeymoon or love bombing stage....But I think we all do that a little bit in the beginning....

 

But in the long run they can't hide themselves from themselves and it won't matter what WE do....But I guess we can say we did what we could.....

 

Be patient and kind to yourself*

 

((Hugs))

 

Carus*

Edited by Carus
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I think I would know when I'm being harassed, shouted at and called names. I think i would know when someone is flying off the handle and over reacting.
You may "know" when you're being harssed, shouted at and called names" but unfortunately you don't know enough to get away and stay away from someone that does all that to you. THAT is why you should get therapy to help you understand your own worth. You don't value yourself enough, you don't have the emotional tools to maintain the confidence one needs to keep themselves safe from people (not just lovers) like your ex.

You are finding constructive criticism to be "judgemental" when it's not.

 

Get the help YOU need to be the best you that you can be and to get you in a good place where you love yourself enough to get away and stay away from people who you call "narcissistic" Anyone who you deem "narcissistic" should not be able to hoover you back for more just because the "chemistry" is good.

 

You need help with your codependency more then what help you think you've gotten because you're still not "getting it" and you've not figured out what YOU need to do to get out of your dysfunctional way of thinking how relationships should work.

 

Adding: You're allowing a mental abusive bully to dictate your well being to the point you are "sick" every other day. Get over your victimhood because as long as you continue to wallow in it and not look yourself and your emotional illness in the mirror so you can lean how to forgive YOURSELF, you will continue to suffer. It's time to stop your own dysfunctional patterns and do the work to be the best you can be with the help of a professional. Enabling dialogue will do nothing to get YOU out of the dysfunctional patterned thinking you have engrained.

 

What was your childhood like?

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You may "know" when you're being harssed, shouted at and called names" but unfortunately you don't know enough to get away and stay away from someone that does all that to you. THAT is why you should get therapy to help you understand your own worth. You don't value yourself enough, you don't have the emotional tools to maintain the confidence one needs to keep themselves safe from people (not just lovers) like your ex.

You are finding constructive criticism to be "judgemental" when it's not.

 

Get the help YOU need to be the best you that you can be and to get you in a good place where you love yourself enough to get away and stay away from people who you call "narcissistic" Anyone who you deem "narcissistic" should not be able to hoover you back for more just because the "chemistry" is good.

 

You need help with your codependency more then what help you think you've gotten because you're still not "getting it" and you've not figured out what YOU need to do to get out of your dysfunctional way of thinking how relationships should work.

 

Adding: You're allowing a mental abusive bully to dictate your well being to the point you are "sick" every other day. Get over your victimhood because as long as you continue to wallow in it and not look yourself and your emotional illness in the mirror so you can lean how to forgive YOURSELF, you will continue to suffer. It's time to stop your own dysfunctional patterns and do the work to be the best you can be with the help of a professional. Enabling dialogue will do nothing to get YOU out of the dysfunctional patterned thinking you have engrained.

 

What was your childhood like?

 

 

I agree that I need to learn more and get more help in dealing with Codependency and MY role in it and WHY i allowed him in my life twice. I am also open to hear resources and books that my help me. My issue with the above poster is that he implied i was making up the verbal harassment, which for me was the worst part of the ordeal.

 

Yes I do have dysfunctional patterns, we all have blind spots hence why I'm back in therapy. Ive been in and out of therapy since I was 16- I thought I was "done" but having him in my life and what happened over the last 3 years has shown me I'm not.

 

Im willing to see and look and heal- hence why I started the Post saying I do not blame anyone in this only myself.

 

My childhood- Please do not judge me. Im only here for constructive help.

A little snapshot.

 

I am the black sheep of my family. I grew up very lonely. By the age of 5 I was bald from pulling out my hair from anxiety . My father was a very successful business man, loud and angry. everyone tip toed around his anger and moods. My family was very image conscious.

My mom was very openly rejecting of me. My sister was her doll and they played dress up. I preferred climbing trees and riding bikes. I never bonded with either of them. My family was one in which the whole house could be on fire and no one dared say a thing, everything was swept under a carpet.

 

I never had my emotions validated by my parents. The opposite, I was constantly invalidated and told i was "making things up" or "over reacting" . I never felt seen/heard in my family. Ive never had an open heart to heart with any of my parents. It affected all of us differently, One sibling is an alcoholic and hasn't left the house for years, the other is functioning but has high narc traits and is the golden child. If i wanted something, I had the golden child ask my parents as they wont say no to her. I never really asked directly.

 

I haven't unlearned all of this- not in the way I thought I had. I still have trouble asking for exactly what I want.

 

By age 10 I was overweight and depressed, by 13, I was suicidal. Three suicide attempts between 16-19. I left home at 18, i was happier away from home. I trusted a man to walk me home when I was 19 and drunk and scantily dressed, he raped me. I restarted therapy because of this.

Bulimia kicked in when I was 21, I got better about age 26, Im no longer actively bulimic but the depression/anxiety is still there.

Im "book smart" but thats it- emotionally, I feel dead on a good day, but smile, and say the right things and i think fast on my feet. I dont feel deeply though. only pain. If you met me you might suspect as my eyes look glassy like I'm about to cry half the time. I genuinely like people but I dont know who to trust and who not to trust.

 

i was drawn in by his intensity- i felt seen.

 

Im not close to my family, I never have been.

 

I want and need help- I know somethings wrong, but I just dont know what and how to fix this.

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Adding further: If you are currently in therapy, please consider getting someone new, someone proficient in codependency issues and will help you change your ingrained (dysfunctional) patterns of relating and relationships. Someone to help you with your personal boundaries, self-worth and love of self.

 

Good luck, hope with the right help, you figure it out.

 

Read up on "nurturing your inner child" because clearly (so sorry to read) that you didn't get any nurturing as a child so you have to nurture yourself and the person you were as a youngster. Read and you will see what I am talking about.

 

Forgive yourself, love you... learn to nurture, form good boundaries that you won't tear down to be with someone.

 

I DO wish you well and hope that you learn to nurture your inner child so that you learn to love yourself and know that you are worth being loved.

 

Be well

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I’ve been in your situation OP... it’s a long road to recovery. I took some dark turns to cope with my feelings of being bullied as a child and ended up married to someone that I chose to stay with despite how he treated me.

 

My road to recovery has involved therapy yes but mostly continued actions on my part, every single day, that involve me taking responsibility for my life, not being a victim, not giving the bullies any more power, owning my part (and it wasn’t just that I chose to stay I had my own behaviours that contributed to the madness) at the end of the day my life is mine and I get to choose how to live it. This is how you get over things like this.

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Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this.

I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working.

I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it.

 

Thanks for your input.

Edited by Cocoapetal
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Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this.

I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working.

I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it.

 

Thanks for your input.

You are welcome.. Here is a link (hope you can open it) that may help you get started on your own recovery.

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency

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I’ve been in your situation OP... it’s a long road to recovery. I took some dark turns to cope with my feelings of being bullied as a child and ended up married to someone that I chose to stay with despite how he treated me.

 

My road to recovery has involved therapy yes but mostly continued actions on my part, every single day, that involve me taking responsibility for my life, not being a victim, not giving the bullies any more power, owning my part (and it wasn’t just that I chose to stay I had my own behaviours that contributed to the madness) at the end of the day my life is mine and I get to choose how to live it. This is how you get over things like this.

 

 

Yes I hear you on the "continued action" I journaled today and wrote myself a new morning routine. I,e

wake up 6am/ affirmations for 10 minutes. Workout/ shower/ breakfast/work.

 

Some days Ive been up early but felt too drained to get out of bed, to be honest , i didnt create a structure for myself and I am struggling daily.

I now have to create the structure that I need to live a fulfilling life. I have to take 100% responsibility.

 

Ive spent a lot to days sick with a flu/migraine/throwing up.. I want this to stop so I can go back to normal.

 

What are some examples of practical steps that you have taken?

 

thanks

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You are welcome.. Here is a link (hope you can open it) that may help you get started on your own recovery.

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/codependency

 

Thank you, I found myself nodding along as I read this article. I need to find a therapist that specialises in codependency. Ill do some research.

Thanks for your input xx

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How did you get your life together after the Narcissist

 

I avoided diagnosing him and victimizing myself. I chalked up my experience as a lousy one and decided what I wanted to learn in terms of actual life skills as opposed to carrying around my 'story' to keep myself small.

 

Since we get to decide whether our experiences will strengthen us and make us wiser and more confident as we move forward, or whether we will stagnate and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, I made it a private goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself.

 

We select the voice we run in our own head. It's a habit that we can't change unless we recognize what WE are doing with it. A coach at work said that it takes 21 days for a new habit to anchor into automatic behavior, so I opted to monitor and 'catch' my critical voice and switch it to one on an inspiring coach. It was the best, most effective life change I've ever made.

 

To this day I notice my inner voice defaulting to little mantras like, "I can do this..." or, "I'll give this my best shot..." or cheesy statements like, "I love you, babe, we've got this..." I also make a deliberate choice each morning about what kind of day I intend to have.

 

You body will play out your intentions. If you're telling yourself lousy things to fight against all the time you're making each day into an unnecessarily difficult climb, and your body will revolt against all that hard work. I'd consider using meditation to teach myself how to 'float'. I'd start opting to float through my days as an observer who inspires me with the same kindness and encouragement I'd give to a friend.

 

If you can regard your highest intelligence as your friend rather than an adversarial judge and jury, you'll teach yourself how to thrive. No ex is worth withering over.

 

Head high.

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Adding further: If you are currently in therapy, please consider getting someone new, someone proficient in codependency issues and will help you change your ingrained (dysfunctional) patterns of relating and relationships. Someone to help you with your personal boundaries, self-worth and love of self.

 

Good luck, hope with the right help, you figure it out.

 

Read up on "nurturing your inner child" because clearly (so sorry to read) that you didn't get any nurturing as a child so you have to nurture yourself and the person you were as a youngster. Read and you will see what I am talking about.

 

Forgive yourself, love you... learn to nurture, form good boundaries that you won't tear down to be with someone.

 

I DO wish you well and hope that you learn to nurture your inner child so that you learn to love yourself and know that you are worth being loved.

 

Be well

Great advice.

 

Good luck, OP!!!

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I went through a relationship last year that I've written about on these boards, while not nearly as deep as yours, as there was no business connection, it had a profound lasting impact on me.

 

So much so, that I've been giving serious thought to going back to school to get a psychology degree/certification with a specialty in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

These disorders are extremely hard for even trained therapists to diagnose, because they cannot diagnose someone they don't know, nor do they often recognize Cluster B disorders in their own patients, as the patients often wear masks, so they charm the therapists. So it's very difficult to treat not only the patient, but those they hurt/endanger.

 

So the common advice is to say to stay away, block/delete, etc., but it's important to understand the root of why you are drawn to this, even knowing how bad it is for you, like an alcoholic sneaking a drink.

 

I have so many sites bookmarked I'm losing laptop memory, lol. I've bought so many books, read so many articles, and seen so many therapists, I could print out ten thousand pages.

 

What helped me? All of it. I can PM you with about a dozen resources that helped me, in addition to youtube videos, DVD's, you name it.

 

One thing that helped me probably more than any of it was that I finally, finally, finally found a therapist who specializes in NPD, particularly in children of narcissistic mothers. There are literally only 2-3 in the U.S. Literally. I had to do a Skype session, as she was in another state. I felt such relief at being understood, being heard, being validated. We walked through ways in which I can deal with my own mother/other Cluster B personalities I have to deal with, as well as how to recognize these things sooner in partners and friends.

 

When we grow up with this behavior as a model, we seek it to correct it. If only we can get our guy/our friend/our boss to treat us better, it will help heal the pain of our parent who treated us that way.

 

Just know that you are completely normal, and that just the fact that you are reaching out for help means that you are growing, you are trying, you are learning.

 

Have you listened to the podcast "Dirty John"? I just finished it, and while it has literally a crime scene as its ending (it's a completely true story), which is hopefully very different from your story, you will possibly find eerie similarities in your relationship. It's also going to be aired as an 8-part mini-series on Bravo starting 11/25/2018, or you can read the entire L.A. Times report. I spent 5 hours driving home for Thanksgiving, in a trance listening to this.

 

Please PM me if you'd like to chat further.

 

Edited to add: I just read about the issues with your parents. In Cluster B NPD parental situations, there is a triangle of Parent/Golden Child/Scapegoat child. It sounds to me, that you were the scapegoat child, made to take blame, whereas your sibling was the Golden Child, the perfect child. I'm not trying to diagnose you or your family! But this was precisely what happened in my situation, and understanding this has helped me immensely. The therapist I skyped with helped me more in 1 hour session than anything else.

Edited by LHGirl
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Hello

 

Yes thank you so much, As you mention, Its about getting to the root of why we allowed them in in the first place. I also saw strong parallels between my father and this man. SO yes, on some level, maybe I was trying to resolve my relationship wth my father.

I am definitely the black sheep, its something we've said openly in my family. Im still debating whether going home for xmas is a good idea or not this year, we dont openly fight but there is a lot of undercurrent.

Id love to know what resources helped you. Lets PM.

Thank You.

CP

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Hello

 

Yes thank you so much, As you mention, Its about getting to the root of why we allowed them in in the first place. I also saw strong parallels between my father and this man. SO yes, on some level, maybe I was trying to resolve my relationship wth my father.

I am definitely the black sheep, its something we've said openly in my family. Im still debating whether going home for xmas is a good idea or not this year, we dont openly fight but there is a lot of undercurrent.

Id love to know what resources helped you. Lets PM.

Thank You.

CP

 

Sent you a PM with links. Please let me know if you did not receive it.

 

I just returned from Thanksgiving with my NPD mom and some other assorted family members with....issues, lol.

 

In previous years, there have been blow-outs, doors slammed, drive-aways, crying.

 

This year, one particular person tried so hard to create a major scene, with me at the center. In previous years, this would have created such a scene, that none of us would have spoken until probably late Spring of the following year, not kidding.

 

But just this weekend, when this drama occurred, I calmly went to sleep, and the next morning, I calmly had a discussion with the people involved, and I calmly explained something, while maintaining my position (I'm always expected to give in, be the doormat), and I sat there with a smile on my face, my arms open, and a level tone. Guess what we all did next.....we all went out to breakfast and had the rest of our weekend, all getting along.

 

I 1000% attribute this to the help I've received, in the form of the sites I sent you and the therapist I sent you. Which took ONE VISIT.

 

We cannot keep these people out of our lives, nor can we do the "I'm not visiting them for xyz holiday" forever.

 

In my case, I like too many other family members to cut off the bad ones. So, I get along, but I maintain my boundaries, maintain my positions about certain things, while not letting myself get pushed around. All with a smile, a normal tone of voice, and a sense of calm.

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I did recieve the PM, Thank you :)

 

You're right, If i dont go home, Id be the only one who isnt around for xmas. I cant cut them out forever even though I want to.

 

SO good to hear that you were able to hold on to yourself in situations that are usually triggering. I guess they are used to you reacting in a certain way/ be a doormat and you didnt give in this time. How long have you been on this "journey'?

DO you have a daily list of recovery things that you do?

As mentioned earlier, Im making a new morning routine for myself.. I haven't had one for years now.

xx

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I avoided diagnosing him and victimizing myself. I chalked up my experience as a lousy one and decided what I wanted to learn in terms of actual life skills as opposed to carrying around my 'story' to keep myself small.

 

Since we get to decide whether our experiences will strengthen us and make us wiser and more confident as we move forward, or whether we will stagnate and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, I made it a private goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself.

 

We select the voice we run in our own head. It's a habit that we can't change unless we recognize what WE are doing with it. A coach at work said that it takes 21 days for a new habit to anchor into automatic behavior, so I opted to monitor and 'catch' my critical voice and switch it to one on an inspiring coach. It was the best, most effective life change I've ever made.

 

To this day I notice my inner voice defaulting to little mantras like, "I can do this..." or, "I'll give this my best shot..." or cheesy statements like, "I love you, babe, we've got this..." I also make a deliberate choice each morning about what kind of day I intend to have.

 

You body will play out your intentions. If you're telling yourself lousy things to fight against all the time you're making each day into an unnecessarily difficult climb, and your body will revolt against all that hard work. I'd consider using meditation to teach myself how to 'float'. I'd start opting to float through my days as an observer who inspires me with the same kindness and encouragement I'd give to a friend.

 

If you can regard your highest intelligence as your friend rather than an adversarial judge and jury, you'll teach yourself how to thrive. No ex is worth withering over.

 

Head high.

 

I love the part about selecting the voice in our head. Im going to actively try and internalise that . Ill spend the next few weeks developing my inner cheer leader.

yes I agree, my body follows my intentions. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed. Few days later I am sick and can hardly leave the house..

I know its psychosomatic as Im hardly ever sick.

I like the part about ditching the story, its easy to get attached to being a victim. I dont want this in myself, I know i fall into that ditch sometimes.

 

thanks again for your reply

 

xx

CP

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How long have you been on this "journey'?

DO you have a daily list of recovery things that you do?

 

I broke up with my NPD guy a little over a year ago, and it was through the ending of that relationship that I finally recognized the pattern and the similarities in other relationships, although this one really threw me for such a loop, as his mask was on so tight, and I missed/ignored so many of the signs.

 

A few months into our relationship, I went to a therapist, as I thought I was crazy. She immediately, in one session, had this whole thing pegged, but I walked away from her, as I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to hear "hearts and roses", but what I got was "liar and narcissist". One year later, I returned to her, and she smiled when I said, "um, I'm back.....you were so right".

 

As for daily rituals, etc., I don't really do any of that. I first went through bouts of reading and watching youtube videos and doing some of the other things I PM'd you about (the phone call, the Skype therapist). I'd become obsessed, taking hours and hours, watching & reading. Then, I'd lay off of it, for literally months, and then go back to it.

 

Just now, after listening to "Dirty John", I picked up on so much more that happened in my situation, so I've been researching more.

 

And I'm researching so much that, as I said, I'm seriously looking into a therapy certification with an NPD focus. I talked to a therapist friend a few months ago, as she is focusing more on it as well.

 

All the stuff that's advised is fine: going for walks, yoga, hot baths, pedicures.....blah blah blahbity blah.

 

There is deep-rooted stuff from your childhood that must be sorted out before you can take one more step in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Even female friendships. If you look back on your female friendships, I bet you'll find some ways in which you "played small", possibly early in childhood. I know I did, and this is simply us acting out what we grew up with.

 

You will need to sort out your legal/business situation as soon as possible. The best advice I have for dealing with him is Gray Rock. I'm sure you've heard of it? It's to be as boring as a "gray rock" whenever you do need to speak. Monotone voice, simple facts, don't ask about him, don't tell him anything about yourself.

 

I just read about a woman who has to deal with her NPD ex-husband, with the kids. She goes so "gray rock" it has stopped him in his tracks.

He'll say:

"Well since you didn't pack her purple socks, I'm going to try to get more visitation. You'll be hearing from my lawyer!!!"

And she'll respond:

"Her purple socks got torn. I washed them with that new detergent, you know, the one with the yellow package? It got my towels so clean, and my t-shirts smelled so wonderful! I had a coupon for it. They had chicken thighs on special! I'm going to make this new recipe I found online. My friend Sarah found it, and it was so awesome. I think I'll try that new pan I just got. I've been dying to try it.

Speaking of the washing machine, I saw an ad for a new dryer. Can you believe how much they are now?"

And she goes on and on, with the most boring of details, until he finally just goes, "Um, ok, bye", and he forgets what he was harassing her about!

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