Jump to content

Recommended Posts

"Dan" and I had been dating for 14 months or so when I decided I needed a break; my dad is terminally ill and I had just changed careers so life was quite overwhelming and I just wanted to focus on me and my family.

 

During the 2.5 month break, Dan and I were lightly in touch and very civil but we mostly did our own thing. I did miss him while we were apart since we always had a lot of fun just doing things together but I did notice that I wasn't dependent on him for emotional support. During our relationship, there were a couple incidents where I felt emotionally unsafe when we fought (he would raise his voice, swear, and keep repeating things over and over again) and there were also some incidents that didn't involve me (either strangers or coworkers or his family) that were also concerning about how he dealt with his emotions. It also did not help that he would be more prone to anger or irritation when he took his ADD medication, so many little things could set him off. As a result, I kind of closed myself off to him emotionally which didn't help our relationship.

 

Last weekend he took a 3-day self-help course (basically, intensive therapy) to help him look inward and get to the root of his anger issues. On his way home, his car got a flat near my house and stopped by while waiting for the tow vehicle. We talked and I was very impressed with how much work he was doing on improving himself. He brought up potentially getting back together but I'm not sure how I feel quite yet. I know he very much wants me in his life and has said/shown me in several ways.

 

What do you guys think? How should I proceed?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you need to be clear with yourself about why you ended things with him. Life situations always come up in relationships - and of course it's terrible that your dad is ill -I hope he is doing ok - but in a healthy relationship that is when your partner is a source of support and when your partner gives you space if needed (but without breaking up). I think you used those life situations as an excuse because you saw that you didn't feel comfortable enough around him. Why not do a compromise position and date him for now -once a week or so, do fun activities, and take it slow. I don't think 2 months is enough for someone to change those significant aspects you mentioned.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry to hear you are going through that with you father. Hope he is doing well.

 

I just want to say you are a remarkable strong women for deciding on this break. A lot of men and women would have chose to lean on someone emotionally and not end things for themselves. So that in it's self you should be so proud of yourself.

 

In all fairness what you mentioned about him he wouldn't haven't been a great deal of support. As after 14 months you shouldn't feel like you have to he emotionally closed of from your partner.

 

You've managed these past 2.5 months so well without him. What do you think you would gain from the relationship to start it back up again? Like Batya said 2 months is no enough time for someone to change.

 

I'm not one to tell people what to do. If you genuinley feel you will gain a lot from seeing him again then all means do. Just take it incredibly slow if you do and make sure you're doing it for "you". Make sure you are happy and not having to feel your are having to deal and manage his emotions on top of all you are going through.

 

I just feel like you've obviously done so well without him. Don't ruin all your hard work to have to deal with someone else's anger episodes when you still have a lot on your plate.

 

Best of luck x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People CAN change if they look inward. If he is recognizing his faults and getting help, that's wonderful. But you don't know if it will stick yet.

I would not get back together at this time. I would tell him that its wonderful that he is getting help - it was discouraging when he yelled so much - but it takes time for people to change.

Also, if it is around the time he takes his meds, did he get a different med?

 

What were the reasons that the relationship was good? The good would have to be huge and numerous for me to say you should someday get back together. But on the other hand, if this only happened around the time that he took his meds everyday and he has switched things up -- then maybe. But be warned he will be on his best behavior/best foot forward for at least the first six months.

 

If a 14 month relationship was broken up because of a career change vs staying together and just switching up when you saw eachother -- maybe its also not worth trying again?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You shouldn't proceed with him if you don't love him. He's working on himself but you're basically afraid of him and he's not going to overcome his anger by going to a three day course. He'll need more than just that but it is a start.

 

I also agree with Batya... our partners, when we are with a good one, will want to be there to support us in times of strife and we will want them there supporting us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. Deal with your family and any stress you have. A three day course is not going to change an abusive selfish personality nor treat amphetamine abuse. You need to stop chatting with him and stick with the correct decision to end things. He is not adding true value to your life. Take care of yourself and focus on what you need to focus on.

 

Don't get sucked back in by the typical superficial charm or "therapy epiphany" abusers usually use to get back in. The time you are wasting trying to believe that a few hours of "intensive therapy" will fix and change him into a normal decent man is time you could find a man who actually is normal and decent naturally and can add value to your life rather than drama.

 

I felt emotionally unsafe when we fought (he would raise his voice, swear, and keep repeating things over and over again)

 

he would be more prone to anger or irritation when he took his ADD medication, so many little things could set him off.

 

We talked and I was very impressed with how much work he was doing on improving himself. He brought up potentially getting back together

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...