Jump to content

We made it this far only to let go?


ThoughtfulKate
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

25(F) dating a 31(M). We have been seeing each other for 2.5 years. Been through some up and downs, majority fine and dandy but I believe he's finally given me an ultimatum.

 

I believe he has anger issues. When something goes wrong he will start yelling, throw things, call himself stupid, or depending if things are my fault he will say something that will hurt my feelings. He ends up calming down and we start talking as if nothing happened hours or a day later.

 

This weekend we were going to Southern California for an event. We packed up our bags and loaded the truck. We were ready ready to go but then the truck wouldn't start. Being that the truck is merely only 3 years old, he became frustrated and yelled again (basically at the truck.) We then unloaded and took my Jeep instead.

 

We arrived to SoCal and for the first two days everything was fine and dandy as it should be. Our hotel had an amazing view, we walked around, enjoyed the event, he had a chance to ride new motorcycles, had dinner, and enjoyed a bunch of other things.

 

On the last day he woke up with severe knee pain. He again became frustrated, didn't yell but had an irritating tone to his voice. I then became irritated (because he was irritated, dumb I know) and honestly we didn't talk for the rest of the day. I followed him around, he got to ride another motorcycle, and unfortunately he said that he almost dropped the bike and twisted his knee again.

 

That's when all hell broke loose. We were walking back to the car he said, "Today was awful. Why did you come? You're in a bad mood. You want your emotional talk then here it is. I almost dropped the bike and hurt my knee even more!!!"

 

I then said, "I was in a bad mood because you're in a bad mood and found that if I were to be quiet everything will just pass. Thanksgiving is in a few days. I don't want you to leave or to stop talking to me."

 

To his reply, "GOOD. GOOD."

 

I started the car and put my sunglasses on so that he wouldn't see me crying. After a few hours we needed to stop and get gas. He turned on his GPS and I followed. I missed a turn and he yelled, "It's not telling you to go there. You're so INCOMPETANT." I said I was sorry and he began saying, "YOU'RE WRONG. WRONG. WRONG."

 

We got to his house. I got out of my car and he looked at me and said, "Is there anything you need at my house?" To which I responded, "Yes, just the pillow you gave me for my birthday."

 

I proceeded to his room, removed the pillow, and stood there. He then said, "What?!" as he started putting away his things. I said, "I just want to say bye." His response? "BYE. GOODBYE."

 

I held my tears until I got in my car and left.

 

The following day I texted him saying that I was sorry for the way I acted and that if he gave me a chance I would control my emotions. I called him a few hours later but led to his voicemail.

 

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to be somewhat thorough.

 

So my questions are...

 

(1) Is his goodbye really a goodbye?

(2) How long should I wait to hear from him? How long is too long and consider that he basically broke up with me?

(3) Did he just break up with me?

 

With holidays around the corner, it makes me feel lonely. I had plans to cook dinner at his place for Thanksgiving but I guess that's changed now.

 

Just fyi... the longest he's been in NC with me in the past is 2.5 weeks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stay broken up, you're in an abusive relationship.

 

 

Also he will prob contact you, but if you respected yourself you'd block him now.

Why would you stay with a person that yells at you and treats you like this? A relationship is meant to build you up , not tear you down.

It's hard to let go. I love him. You are right though, I need to have some respect for myself.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that this is an abusive relationship.

 

You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells worrying about when he’s going to blow next. You are trying to manage HIS emotions. This is not normal. And he does not have the right to yell at you and insult you...

 

Block him on everything and spend some time pampering yourself.

 

He did you a favor. This gets worse, not better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry about all this.

 

Look, this guy has issues, as most humans do, but what he's doing is throwing them at you and trying (and largely succeeding) to guilt you into making them your responsibility.

 

If anyone had reasons to apologize for not controlling his emotions—it's him, plain and simple. Going forward, wherever you go, I think you need to remember that and hold that line.

 

I don't know enough about your 2.5 years together to make a blanket statement, but from what you've laid out here it's hard to understand what you're getting out of this aside a companion who torments you when something minor goes wrong in his life. Oh, your truck didn't start? Big deal. You got a boo-boo when the big machine was heavy? Man up.

 

I suspect he will be in touch. I'd be very cautious, and stand your ground. You're really the one who has had enough of this, it seems, while he's thriving on it in a twisted way.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that this is an abusive relationship.

 

You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells worrying about when he’s going to blow next. You are trying to manage HIS emotions. This is not normal. And he does not have the right to yell at you and insult you...

 

Block him on everything and spend some time pampering yourself.

 

He did you a favor. This gets worse, not better.

Thanks RedDress... love the walking on eggshells analogy. You put a nail on it. Thank you for the realization.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry about all this.

 

Look, this guy has issues, as most humans do, but what he's doing is throwing them at you and trying (and largely succeeding) to guilt you into making them your responsibility.

 

If anyone had reasons to apologize for not controlling his emotions—it's him, plain and simple. Going forward, wherever you go, I think you need to remember that and hold that line.

 

I don't know enough about your 2.5 years together to make a blanket statement, but from what you've laid out here it's hard to understand what you're getting out of this aside a companion who torments you when something minor goes wrong in his life. Oh, your truck didn't start? Big deal. You got a boo-boo when the big machine was heavy? Man up.

 

I suspect he will be in touch. I'd be very cautious, and stand your ground. You're really the one who has had enough of this, it seems, while he's thriving on it in a twisted way.

 

Good luck.

Guilt - Yes, he's got me there. My self-esteem is pretty much shot and that alone is something I have to work on. Thank you for your insight. I've been blindsided and have always thought that "everything will work out." Guess I'll try keep myself busy for now.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The following day I texted him saying that I was sorry for the way I acted and that if he gave me a chance I would control my emotions. I called him a few hours later but led to his voicemail.

 

I have a bad feeling this is your usual recourse - he is a jerk to you, and you blame yourself. You think that if only you could dance around him a little more, he wouldn't explode and toss you aside. But you've got it all backwards, girl. He should be learning to control his emotions. This dynamic is toxic.

 

Why has he previously gone No Contact at all, let alone for 2.5 weeks? I assume this isn't the first time he's lost his temper and called it off.

 

OP, you need to ask yourself why you want to be in this relationship anymore. You are devaluing yourself every time you apologize for his bad behaviour. It is unlikely to get any better, since he doesn't appear to recognize his own role in this. I would get yourself into some good counseling to regain your self-esteem and learn to heed to the major red flags when you see them. This isn't going be Happily Ever After for you.

 

EDIT: This man, from your thread in 2017? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=536810 If so, then it seems you are learning the hard way that red flags are there for a reason. He has never been as invested as you, unfortunately.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, you've touched all the bases for an emotionally abusive relationship. Even to the point of getting use to his behavior and trying to change your behavior (which never really works because anything can set him off). It's one thing to get angry if you hurt your leg, but it's emotional abuse to try to put it on you. Also you have developed an emotionally dependency on him which keeps you from leaving.

 

I just read your post from 2017 and nothing had changed. You have to use this opportunity to get out of this relationship. Don't talk to him. Don't take him back. There are nice guys out there. You deserve a great relationship and a happy life. You will get neither with this jerk. Women are too forgiving and too nurturing. Get out while you have the chance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were advised to leave this emotionally abusive, unstable bully over a year ago. He has torn you down to the point where you are apologizing for his abuse.

 

I hope that you will finally get away from this guy and seek some necessary counseling. You are in a highly toxic relationship!

 

Do you have any friends or a support system? If so, what do they think of him? Does he have any friends?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I know nothing anyone says will sway your decision when he reaches out to you. A controlling man like this will reach out to you for sure.

 

Just from reading your post I felt incredibly upset for you. As over two years with a man and he had the audacity to treat you like that. If you truly loved someone you wouldn't talk to them in that way. No matter how frustrated you are.

 

I know this is not an isolated incident and I'm guessing he has done this many times in the past.

 

Hopefully reading what everyone else here has written will give you the courgae to stat strong when he does reach out.

 

I know it will be hard as that's a lot of time invested. But you have to also think the pain of a break up is temporary. You will heal from it.

 

If you stay in this relationship you will never heal. He will constantly hurt you emotional. He sounds like he has a nasty temper. Who knows maybe one day we will even get physical. Do you want to stick around to find out?

 

Like I said no matter what anyone says you will do what you feel is best. Just hope reading everyone's post you at least know you are in an unhealthy relationship with him. It's not your fault as even the most strongest women gets sucked in and stuck in relationships like this.

 

It will depend on when you are ready to break away from it. Hopefully coming here and talking to us will make you that much more ready to walk away now.

 

Best of luck x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The timing for this break up is terrible with the holidays coming up--which is probably why he is doing it. He can ratchet the abuse up another notch because you don't want to spend the holidays alone. You'll take anything.

 

I hope you use this opportunity to step outside the abusive cycle of your relationship and leave him once and for all. Your relationship with him will not get better. He is abusive and a huge baby on top of everything else. Someone like him will never grow up, never become kind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stay broken up, you're in an abusive relationship.

 

 

Also he will prob contact you, but if you respected yourself you'd block him now.

Why would you stay with a person that yells at you and treats you like this? A relationship is meant to build you up , not tear you down.

 

What Honeycomb8 said hits it on the nail: "Why would you stay with a person that yells at you and treats you like this?" That is definitely verbal and emotional abuse. Do you believe in your heart that it's ever going to get better? No, dear OP, it's not and you know it at some level. You don't need someone who is constantly tearing you down. And, what's worse is that he's twisting things around to put the blame on you. I can assure you from personal experience that it does not get better. Come one, have some self-respect. You sound like such a sweet and kind person. Do not put the blame on yourself. It's not you fault. He is the one with issues. He needs anger management, big time. Yes, I get that you love him. Leave him because, with time, you will clearly see how toxic the relationship was. You are walking on egg shells. Not a healthy way to live.

 

Lastly, he will contact you, no doubt. Don't be fooled again, please. I think most people have been through heartache at some point or other and they get over it. Do not cause yourself unnecessary heartache. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately the relationship is too turbulent and there is way to much drama. It seems you are incompatible and he has zero respect for you and is a bit abusive.

 

Stop playing victim with sniveling, pillows and other drama. Just end it. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media.. Stop chasing him, texting him, apologizing etc. Stop being a martyr and a doormat. End it! Use your time and energy more intelligently than texting/calling him and begin to educate yourself on "red flags for abusive relationships". Google it right now.

 

Spend thanksgiving with your own family and friends. Let all your friends and family know how crappy he is treating you. Do not "protect" him, or minimize/rationalize things like so many in abusive relationships do.

When something goes wrong he will start yelling, throw things, call himself stupid, or depending if things are my fault he will say something that will hurt my feelings. he yelled, "It's not telling you to go there. You're so INCOMPETANT." I said I was sorry and he began saying, "YOU'RE WRONG. WRONG. WRONG."
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's hard to let go. I love him. You are right though, I need to have some respect for myself.

 

Yes, which also means your not apologizing and attempting to "make nice" when your bf acts like an a-hole!

 

You think it's helping the situation, when in reality it's weak and will cause him to lose respect for you.

 

It also sends him the message that no matter how big of an a-hole he is, you'll still be there taking the blame, apologizing, trying to make nice.

 

Bad message to send!

 

Also what are these "emotional talks" he was referring to?

 

Sounds like a whole lot of unnecessary drama on both sides.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately the relationship is too turbulent and there is way to much drama. It seems you are incompatible and he has zero respect for you and is a bit abusive.

 

Stop playing victim with sniveling, pillows and other drama. Just end it. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media.. Stop chasing him, texting him, apologizing etc. Stop being a martyr and a doormat. End it! Use your time and energy more intelligently than texting/calling him and begin to educate yourself on "red flags for abusive relationships". Google it right now.

 

Spend thanksgiving with your own family and friends. Let all your friends and family know how crappy he is treating you. Do not "protect" him, or minimize/rationalize things like so many in abusive relationships do.

 

Spot on!

 

...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with everyone here. The amount of times you said sorry. I don’t see where any of that was your fault. Don’t allow this man to make you feel this way. Someone once told me people only treat as bad as you allow them to. Don’t settle for this type of treatment. It’s abusive and just plain unhealthy. Don’t be sorry for things that you didn’t do. Be sorry that you are allowing this from someone who is supposed to care about you.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not going to lie... I texted him and called him a few times. He picked up once to tell me he was already sleeping. The following day I called but he didn't answer. Been crying for the past few days but I have to suck it up now.

 

I took a long shower and I sent him a departing text and vowed not to bother him again.

 

Thank you everyone who responded. I've read each and one of your inputs.

 

Let the healing begin...[emoji111]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...