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Girlfriend of 3 years tells me she is bisexual


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Hi guys, I’ve been with a girl now for 3 years to say I love her would be an understatement. 2 days ago she told me she is bisexual and has been since we met. She has never experienced any sexual or emotional relationship with a girl which is in fact why I am writing this. I don’t want to finish her and she says she wants to be with me but I feel it’s only going to be a matter of time till she has to explore that side of her personality. I am not considering giving her a hall pass or whatever as I would not be comfortable a with that. What do I do?.

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Have you asked why she suddenly mentioned this? Ask her if she intends to stay exclusive. How old is she?

I’ve been with a girl now for 3 years . 2 days ago she told me she is bisexual and has been since we met. She has never experienced any sexual or emotional relationship with a girl. I feel it’s only going to be a matter of time till she has to explore that side of her personality.I would not be comfortable a with that.
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I'd dump her for not disclosing that side of her before now.

 

Just for the record, she's not "bi-sexual" if she's never been with another woman. More like "bi-curious."

 

Have you talked to her about her personal boundaries and what strategy she has in place to keep her from getting sexually/romantically involved with a female (or another male for that matter)?

 

Morals and personal boundaries and romantic boundaries are important no matter what your sexual orientation happens to be. As long as she has promised to be monogamous, exclusive and committed to you, you either have to trust her and if you can't, then you have to leave her.

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How did this come up in conversation, OP?

 

I would be curious if she perhaps has her eye on another girl she's specifically interested in, and wanted to first gauge your reaction to her revelation. While I can't speak from personal experience, I would imagine that if she's never been with a woman but identifies as bisexual, then, yes - she will likely want to eventually explore that side of herself sooner or later.

 

Did she tell you she might want to try being with woman? Is she asking for the so-called hall pass?

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Yeah, I agree, she's only "bi-curious." How old is she? A lot of young women have fantasies of making love to another woman. It doesn't mean she's actually going to do it or that she's going to leave the relationship. Even being bisexual doesn't mean she's going to cheat on you. Some people just go back and forth between men and women. Don't let this throw you. If she loves you, she will continue to love you.

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She has told you that she is bisexual, not bi-curious, which means that as of this moment she feels sexually attracted to both males and females - she need not ever have had a relationship or sexual experience with either gender to feel this way, or for this to be true.

So at this point you need to trust her judgement. (Yes, on the very slight off chance, she might be using this as a form of emotional manipulation - but without context, I'm assuming that she's being genuine. Only you can know for sure). This doesn't necessarily mean that her feelings for you have changed - after all, from what you say, you have shared a three year relationship together built on a lot of love. Those feelings are hard to ignore or give up.

 

Coming to terms with being bisexual is something that can be very personal and often conflicting, she may have been trying to understand this aspect of herself long before your relationship started, or only come to the realisation that she has been bisexual all along during your relationship? Either is okay. She is still the same person that you love.

 

You now have several options.

 

1. You can freak out and take offence at her for not having told you sooner; maybe even dump her on the basis that she didn't trust you or has been leading you on. (in which case, you would be making this about yourself - which right now it shouldn't be. Not telling you sooner isn't a crime. You may trust the person you love completely, but still feel the need to protect the vulnerable parts of your identity that you yourself are still unsure about. If she has only come to this realisation now, why endanger her relationship earlier on when she was still unsure?)

 

2. You can become defensive and paranoid; wondering why she can't just be happy liking you and men in general, or start thinking that she is eyeing off the girl next door. (This too would be unfair, because we can't help the way we tick and who we are attracted to. If your girlfriend is genuinely bisexual, she can't help but feel attracted to people of either sex. To assume that she is trying to cosy up to another man/woman on the basis of her sexuality, is to disregard her trust on the basis of fear. I get it, now you feel as though you have double the amount of people to contend with, but if she really does love you - no one else would compare. That being said, there maybe another person in the picture, but it would still be wrong to assume this - first talk to her, have a discussion and then with some more context you can decide whether or not you should be worried.)

 

3. You can carry on like nothing happened and ignore her bisexuality, or you can accept this without proper discussion. (Not a very wise move. She has told you this for a reason. She wants you to understand and accept this aspect of herself, and to do so would require some discussion and attention on your part, and perhaps some adjustments to your relationship dynamic if that be the case. Try to accommodate to her needs as much as you can, without neglecting your own).

 

4. You can accept her bisexuality and have the proper discussions, but decide not to pursue the relationship and instead end as friends on a good note (This is totally fine. If her bisexuality brings up changes to your relationship that either of you don't feel comfortable with or cannot accept, for whatever reasons you may have /hopefully good ones/, then that is fine. Just make sure you think through all the possible scenarios first and have the proper discussions before you make this choice)

 

5. You can accept her bisexuality and have the proper discussions, and decide to maintain the relationship (This can be a good thing! This could involve having discussions on... personal boundaries, exclusivity, monogamy, fantasies etc. Together, you can both comfortably explore and discuss how this aspect of her sexuality can be accommodated for in the relationship. This might not necessarily mean having an open relationship - it could involve you experimenting with different toys, fantasies and manoeuvres. Or your relationship might comfortably stay the same, it's all based on what you and she feel comfortable with)

 

I trust that you will make the right decision for both you and her, which might be completely different to what I mentioned.

Good luck and I wish you all the best

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Hi guys, I’ve been with a girl now for 3 years to say I love her would be an understatement. 2 days ago she told me she is bisexual and has been since we met. She has never experienced any sexual or emotional relationship with a girl which is in fact why I am writing this. I don’t want to finish her and she says she wants to be with me but I feel it’s only going to be a matter of time till she has to explore that side of her personality. I am not considering giving her a hall pass or whatever as I would not be comfortable a with that. What do I do?.

 

I do question why she revealed this now instead of telling you in the early dates so that you knew what you were in for. I think i would ask why she told you this.

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You now have several options.

 

1. You can freak out and take offence at her for not having told you sooner;

 

It is not judgemental to have boundaries.

The language "freak out" implies that you fear he is closed minded. Anything that reveals someone to be the opposite of what they presented -- sure -- there is a "freak out" in one's head for a moment. Everyone is allowed personal boundaries. Choosing someone to be the most intimate relationship to you - you can have whatever criteria you want to. I personally would never be in a relationship with a bisexual man, a questioning man, etc. When i was single, i would only date heterosexual men. It was hard and fast dealbreaker. It is up to the OP and EITHER decision is OK - to stay or go -- but he should find out why she voluteered this info etc, - to what end. If he stays - he should be totally content with that decision and not "try to get himself okay with it". The criteria for friends is way different

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As someone who is bisexual and married, there are some things I would like to chime on:

 

There are heavy stigmas to being bisexual that (based on my personal experiences) even the general LGBT community doesn’t trust people who identify with it. The misconception of being a swinger or disloyal in a monogamous relationship is so real that it is NOT uncommon for a bisexual person to hide their sexuality. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and I still have not disclosed my sexuality to him in fear that he’ll not trust me and leave. It is my personal choice of choosing monogamy, and the right person who came to me happened to be male.

 

What I do find interesting here is that the general consensus of this community agrees with SOs/spouses being entitled to privacy. However, if someone hid their sexuality and has *never* done anything that goes against relationship boundaries, then it’s acceptable to immediately dump or divorce that person? This is why smart people, like myself, are careful on what information they share - because oversharing information that does not present a threat can harm a relationship.

 

Unfortunately the reality is that not everyone agrees or tolerates the LGBT culture no matter what laws are passed. The same goes for people who are in interracial relationships. This is really a conversation best reserved for the OP and his girlfriend. None of us really know this young lady - at three years, the OP has a better sense of who she really is and what his own relationship preferences are to advocate for himself.

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She has never experienced any sexual or emotional relationship with a girl which is in fact why I am writing this. I don’t want to finish her and she says she wants to be with me but I feel it’s only going to be a matter of time till she has to explore that side of her personality.

 

 

The definition of bisexual is "a person who is attracted to both men and women" so a person does not actually have to have sex or a relationship with someone of their same gender to be bisexual.

 

One gender doesn't trump the other. She's just wired to feel attracted to both, does not necessarily mean she is going to act on that attraction, no more than if she were to become attracted to another man and act on that.

 

But sure the possibility is there just like, again, there is a possibility she may become attracted to another man and have sex with him.

 

So I wouldn't worry about it OP, assuming your relationship is strong and solid.

 

Edit: Agree with Snny about the stigma.

Edited by katrina1980
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I appreciate some of these replies so much. She told me she decided to tell me now because she has been able to come to terms with it instead of pushing it to the back. I am the only person that know along with one her lesbian mates who she told me she told because she wouldn’t get judged by her. I am trying my best to think she is the person I met and loved however the fact she has told me now makes me feel she is thinking about it More and it’s only a matter of time before she explores that side of her sexuality. She is even told me she doesn’t want to talk about it any more because it ‘not even a big deal’. I can’t help but ask questions. Unfortunately even though I don’t want this I feel I will have to let her go as she mentioned to me last night she often wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship with a girl (emotionally not physically) again hard to believe sadly. Should I let her go?.

Edited by Dank2
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Even as she tells me that last night she tells me she loves me and wants to stay with me. Even told me she would ‘sacrifice’ not exploring that side to not loose me. And of course I am comfortable with her not being her whole self because of me. I do wish she had already experienced some type of relationship with a girl therefore this would be easier. Sadly I am not okay with letting her experience whilst being with me as I would not be allowed to do get with a girl in any type of sexual way as that would be cheating and she is with me therefore I feel the morals should be the same.

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Agree that her suddenly revealing this is a game-changer. Dating is not a "politically correct" situation. You have the right to end it for whatever reasons you choose. If you feel she is deceptive or may act on this or for whatever reason whatsoever, it's your choice. It makes you uncomfortable and that is all you need to know to end things. This has nothing to do with trying to align with this or that community. This is simply about your feelings and her confusion and it's just not working.

I I am trying my best to think she is the person I met and loved. Unfortunately even though I don’t want this I feel I will have to let her go.
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If you want to stick it out that's your prerogative also. However in that time you try to wrap your head around her revelation, confusion and deception, many happy, honest, loving girls will pass you by while you have to look over your shoulder when she hangs out with her lesbian friends...wondering.

Do you not feel that it is all a bit sudden to finish her now and wait to see if I can come to terms with it in the next coming weeks?
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Thank you to all of the people who commented on that ridiculous notion of someone being merely bi-curious if they have not had a same-sex encounter. Are heterosexuals merely hereto-curious until they’ve had an opposite-sex encounter? Bisexual people are born the way we are, just like everybody else. You don’t need to have actually had sex in order to know to whom you are attracted.

 

And for the record, there are many, many monogamous bisexual people, just like there are many, many polyamorous gay and straight people. I, personally, don’t need to have sex with both sexes in order to feel fulfilled. It simply means that I find both sexes to be sexually attractive. I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything to be with my husband as opposed to a female. So, that part of what your girlfriend said does bother me. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she has a burning desire to be with both men and women. What it does mean is that she feels like she is missing out on something (whatever that may be) by remaining faithful to you. That is a huge red flag.

 

Also, Snny is absolutely right that bisexual people are, more often than not, negatively stereotypes as being sexually confused and/or highly promiscuous. Therefore, it is in our best interest to only come out when we feel absolutely safe to do so. The early stages of dating are not safe times to do so. And, again, it’s simply unnecessary for a monogamous person to bring it up to another monogamous person in the early dating stages because there is no burning compulsion to HAVE to be with both sexes in order to be satisfied. If someone is polyamorous and trying to date monogamous people, they should absolutely disclose this, regardless of their sexual orientation.

 

At Snny, that is so sad that you have been in the closet around your husband for 15 years. I totally understand why though. I didn’t tell my husband at first because it is something I normally only disclose to other bisexual people, especially since I have always exclusively dated males (I’m female). Anyway, my husband was always making that stupid comment that bisexuals are really just homosexuals in denial, until I couldn’t bear it anymore. I told him the truth. He was surprised, but he has handled it pretty well. He does make annoying jokes about me, which I hate, but that is another matter. I do feel better that he knows because I was able to educate him and dispel the misconceptions that most people seem to have.

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^^Agree which is what I alluded to as well in my previous post, which you expounded on beautifully.

 

I am not bisexual but have a couple of bisexual acquaintances who have been in long term relationships with both men and women, and remained faithful and happy while in the relationship.

 

Some of the most promiscuous people I know are straight and have cheated.

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Exactly. It's not about politically correct LGBTQ terms. It's the deception and recent revelation of this after 3 years. You can end it with anyone for any reason. Especially after being tied down so young and being lied to for so long.

*i am not comfortable with her feeling she will ‘sacrifice’ to stay with me
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I'm probably starting a run-away-train with this post however:

 

From Merriam Webster:

Definition of bisexual

 

1a : possessing characters of both sexes and especially both male and female reproductive structures : hermaphroditic

//bisexual flowers

 

b : of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to members of both sexes

also : engaging in sexual activity with partners of more than one gender

2 : of, relating to, or involving both sexes

//bisexual reproduction

 

Seems "B" would apply here and since the Op stated this:

She has never experienced any sexual or emotional relationship with a girl
It would appear that she is not bi-sexual but rather bi-curious.

 

I find other women attractive when they are appealing to the eye as dictated by the majority of society as being attractive. That does not make me "bi sexual" Op has never been in a sexual or emotional relationship with a member of the same sex). I'd like to know why she deems herself bi-sexual?

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I have mixed emotions, at times I think she is still the same girl I fell in love with and have shared a lot of memories with. But as bad as it sounds I do mean no offence I can’t help but look at her differently sometimes now, like She’s a different person almost because she told me this now.

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