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Is she not interested or playing hard to get


TheNicerGuy
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Hello all. I'm 27, she's 46, the age was never a problem for me, I've dated older ladies before with no issues, she doesn't seem to have any issues with it.

 

Little back story, I consider myself a very friendly guy, I usually go the extra step to show respect and make everyone happy, hate the thought of going over the line and being disrespectful. I haven't been in any sorta relationship for 3 years, just working and keeping busy. I always keep to myself, not shy, just prefer to be there only when wanted (which is a huge problem).

 

Her and her daughter (10, home schooled) moved here from out of state with nothing but clothes, she got housing assistance and because she was in either the army or navy, and retired because of injuries, she has va help. No job, her daughter is homeschool. I'm the giving type, so I gave her some furniture, some things I didn't need and didn't use, naught her some house things.

 

She is my neighbor, she actually asked me out for Halloween. She said she was into me at first, my lips, beard, blah. We went out to bars and drank alot, only gave what was given, such as shed kiss me, I'd kiss her. That week she gets sick, kinda felt like I was being ignored, but eventually she replied. I gave her flowers (said she loved), get well cards to both her and her daughter, that was also sick.

 

So we finally go on another bar date that started at 2 pm, and went to 415 am, keep in mind, i paid for the first night out, and this night out. Boyfriend, girlfriend, love was thrown around by her, drunk, not talking to me, but to other folks outside of the bar where we were smoking, it was a couple arguments she was in, I had her back even if she was wrong. I showed her I had her back, it doesn't matter, because she was drunk and doesn't remember much at all. There was a lady selling flowers, so I bought her flowers at the bar,.

 

So fast forward till now, and what I need help with. I would text her, and sometimes she wouldn't even reply for 4-6 hours, no reply to good mornings. I can't remember if she said just come over instead of texting, but I like to make sure I'm not interrupting anything, most times there's no reply. But I have been over there, and we still talk from time to time. It'd be easier to take screenshots of the messages and times to better understand.

 

I have alot of problems with being ignored, I have anxiety attacks that make me sink even further down in depression, seeing as I haven't been with another female in so long, and rarely hang out with friends, kinda sucks trying to juggle owning my lawn care business, trying to talk to her, and trying to calm myself down because I'm everything it.

 

I know I suck at explaining things like this, it's either type it and do not read it, or spend 4 hours retyping and making it perfect, in my eyes. If you have any questions or opinions, please reply, any help is greatly appreciated.

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Have you always had these anxieties about not getting replies before in other relationships?

 

I know it's hard being ignored. Like it frustrates me. It frustrates my friends.

 

That said if someone really wants to reply. They will! When in the beginning stages of a relationship I would smile and get excited at a text and reply when I could. Same with the person I was dating.

 

Although I know everyones texting habits are different. Was you always slow to reply?

 

I personally think it's a little rude to ignore a good morning text. But she is a mum and homeschooling her daughter so could generally be busy.

 

She has a lot going on. Just moved into a new area. Maybe she isn't ready to date just yet. Espicially a neighbor...

 

Who knows.

 

Maybe cool down a little bit with the texting and keep things very friendly.

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Regardless of the age difference, this woman really doesn't sound like relationship material - I wouldn't be impressed by someone who gets stupid drunk and then into arguments with others whilst on a date. Drunk to the point they don't remember much about the evening.

 

People also vary enormously in their need to communicate during the day; texting is obviously not that important to her, and is very important to you. That's a real incompatibility; not saying either is right or wrong - just incompatible. You are also getting too needy because you're losing contact with your friends, and therefore more dependent on her. If you maintained your other friendships, it wouldn't be as big a deal when she doesn't get back to you, and would help soothe your anxieties because of having more than one source of emotional support.

 

It is very dangerous to make one person the only source of good things in your life, and it sounds as though this woman has very little to give in the first place; so it's not surprising you're feeling anxious. So my advice to you is pay attention to the aspects of your life which are nothing to do with her, reconnect with your friends and generally take better care of yourself, without looking to her to do so.

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Thank you for the replies. She is settled in, she used to live in the same county along time ago, so she knows the surrounds basically. It does seem like when we drink, she's more into me, but that could also be her getting out of her cage she made, she said plenty of times that she hasn't had a physical or emotion relationship since her daughter was born, 10 years. So I figured she finally wants someone to chase her. She's told me countless times I'm that with the two husbands she's had, none of them ever have given her what I have, flowers, cards, ect., which sucks, but nice to hear she enjoys it. The thing is, we don't have arguments, so maybe there's a problem that she's not talking about.

 

My friends, we don't really hang out every week, with me owning a lawn care company, and having no days off, and them being carpet installers and one lives about 30 40 minutes away, we mostly just talk every few days. So going back to the way it was sucked to begin with. Passed few days have been raining and I haven't been able to work, so being home with nothing to do (I don't have a tv, and I don't like watching too much of videos or anything), from the start, my raining days have always sucked, it just sucks more now.

 

I figured I'd just stop texting for awhile, only reply when she messages me, but that could show her I'm not interested. If she found a new guy, it would suck, but I would know it's over, we could be friends, and i would know shes happy, which makes me feel better, if she's happy, I'll be happy.

 

Edit:, Id also like to add, it i feel almost ever guy she has talked to want to get in her pants, and I can kinda tell she doesn't like it.

Edited by TheNicerGuy
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She doesn't seem to be taking you seriously as someone with relationship potential... she probably likes that you are fun and don't have a bunch of baggage at this point in your life.

 

I would stop analyzing her actions and focus on what you really want in a relationship. Why do you want to date someone this much older with this many life challenges and struggles than you is a question you SHOULD be asking yourself.

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I figured I'd just stop texting for awhile, only reply when she messages me

 

Yeah, don't play texting games. You're from two different generations. She's a Gen-Xer, you're a Gen Z. Most 46-year old women don't have the time to be texting constantly like the Gen Zs do. In fact, she wasn't raised with having cell phones like you were. A cell phone isn't attached to her thumbs like they are with your generation. You might have had one when you were a child, she was serving in the armed forces. She doesn't live her life online like you might. She might not have even had a phone until her 30s.

 

Also, an efficiency expert says every time you're interrupted by something like a text or a phone call, it can take 23 minutes and 15 seconds just to get back to where the person left off. (No wonder I find I get nothing done when my wife is texting me about this or that.) So stop expecting that she's going to drop whatever she's doing (even if it's just relaxing) to immediately answer your text.

 

As for the rest, you're just a friend. Does she even know you're romantically attracted to her? She might just think you're a drinking buddy, someone she can go out with and get drunk.

 

But now we get to the real problem.

 

I have a lot of problems with being ignored, I have anxiety attacks that make me sink even further down in depression, seeing as I haven't been with another female in so long, and rarely hang out with friends, kinda sucks trying to juggle owning my lawn care business, trying to talk to her, and trying to calm myself down because I'm everything it.

 

Hmm. I think you have to get help for your depression and anxiety attacks. You're 27 and these things can get worse if left untreated. When you start having negative thoughts, you've got to tell yourself that this is the depression and anxiety talking. The situation may not be the way you're seeing it. I think you're getting upset over nothing. For example, if she doesn't immediately respond to a text, tell yourself to calm down, calm down, calm down. She'll answer when she has time. You will push her away if let yourself get angry over a little thing like that.

 

Whenever you get negative thoughts, take some time out to examine those thoughts and try to put yourself in her place. She's in a much different time of life than you are. She's middle aged. She has a different set of priorities and a young daughter. She's been in relationships. She's experienced a lot of things. If you want to be friends with her, you've got to relax and maybe let her take the lead. And don't overthink it.

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It sounds like you are neighbors who hang out when you both have some time on your hands. It seems you appreciate each other, but it doesn't sound like a budding romance. Boredom and loneliness are different than romance. Try to get involved in some things you can do on your days off.

being home with nothing to do (I don't have a tv, and I don't like watching too much of videos or anything), from the start, my raining days have always sucked, it just sucks more now.
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It seems to me that she is not interested and if she is, it is not for the reasons that you want her to be. It seems, because of the age gap she is using you to have a good time, you mentioned helping her, paying for the dates and buying her flowers and thats what she wants. She may be sexually attracted to you, but doesn't seem that she wants to pursue that. I think she just wants to have fun and have someone who cares about her because she wants or needs attention.

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20 year age-gap relationships have a 95 percent rate of failure, so it's not surprising your dating experience with her isn't working out. After my first marriage ended due to the fallout of my ex husband's depression, I strongly suggest you get treatment for your depression, because you cannot be the partner any woman deserves if you're not doing all you can to get mentally healthy. She shouldn't bear the brunt of your anxiety when you're trying to read every behavior of hers as abrasive or ignoring you, or any other negative emotion that others who don't suffer from depression might read differently.

 

And I know how it is with work schedules and distance to sometimes not be able to get together with friends as often as you'd like. After my first marriage ended, I had to fill my own time with activities like dance lessons and meet up.com activities, until I eventually found a new companion. Even doing that, I always keep up with at least one hobby in my life, as it's best not to make your companion the sole center of your universe.

 

She's not an appropriate partner to you, and until you work on yourself, you will keep choosing inappropriate women. I'd also suggest sticking to someone closer to your age for a higher success rate--someone who is in the same life stage as you. Take care.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm just over thinking it, I'd rather just slow it all down, stop with the good morning texts, stop with "your beautiful" quotes in the morning. Mentally, I'm all here, lol, had a few rough spots, but I'm all good. I don't have bad feelings for anyone that has done me wrong.

 

Thanks for y'alls help, and replies.

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