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How long do you want someone to be out of a relationship before you start dating


jackie103
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Everyone has a past relationship... but when you start dating someone new, how long do you usually want them to be single for? Of course it depends on how long their last relationship was but really, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually over their ex or not or just using you as a rebound.

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Everyone has a past relationship... but when you start dating someone new, how long do you usually want them to be single for? Of course it depends on how long their last relationship was but really, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually over their ex or not or just using you as a rebound.

 

That's a great question and it is different for everyone. It does depend on the length of time they were together, who ended it and how they've spent their time after the break up.

 

It's important to me that they've spent time on their own and are they comfortable doing so. Some people are just looking for a space holder and will give themselves away pretty quickly if they can't seem to entertain themselves, are not comfortable in their own skin and do not have a reasonable full life outside of any relationship.

 

Wanting to rush into a relationship before really knowing you is a red flag. Someone who is stable and grounded won't make a rash decision like that. People that rush into relationships are typically trying to fulfill some unmet need. It's not a compliment.

 

I check to see if they have a network of friends, interests and hobbies.

 

You are right. It is hard to tell if they've moved on, but not impossible. If the timing seems ok to you, then take it slowly and look out for clues. If you are paying close enough attention, take your time and you can figure out if they are relationship ready or not.

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Time is a factor but there are other indicators. Talking about them either with hate "so over them" or with nostalgia "he was my first love", etc.. The focus should be on your budding relationship, not an ex. The focus would be on getting to know you. So anywhere more than 10 days and less than 10 years...lol

 

Most importantly listen, listen, listen rather than count. Keep in mind unless we all resign ourselves to celibacy and extinguish the human race everyone has to start dating again sometime.

Of course it depends on how long their last relationship was but really, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually over their ex or not or just using you as a rebound.
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No real rules here. In theory I like to know there's been some real time, depending on how long the relationship was, but the truth is that my healthiest relationship was with someone who left a man for me. It honestly was never an issue. Was so clear she had processed it, had moved on. Meanwhile, when that one ended I was kind of nuclear dating material for about two years...

 

I agree with reinventmyself. For me it's important to have the sense that they're comfortable alone, in their own skin, and have spent some time exploring that, getting comfortable in that space. That they have a solid foundation: good friends, various pursuits/interests—a kind of network of healthy validation so they're not seeking it from romance alone.

 

The truth is you never really know if someone's over someone, in part because someone can think they are, genuinely, but suddenly being in something new stirs up the past. I've been there, on both sides. But I think that tends to show itself pretty early, so the scars are pretty minimal.

 

It's all a gamble. Wouldn't be interesting otherwise.

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I don't look at time so much as their emotional state and behavior. Someone can be out of a relationship recently and healthy and ready to start something new. Someone can be out five years and still a mess. Focusing on time isn't a good indicator of relationship readiness and can give you a false sense of security in the case of a person who has been slow to move on or is carrying bitter baggage.

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You’re all right, I guess there are a lot of factors going into this. I know it took me a long time until I was actually ready to start dating again... I was serial dating after my last relationship to get my mind off of the ex but I found myself to feel worse after every date because I would compare, and most of the time, I get absolutely no chemistry with the person I went on a date with.

 

I suppose that experience has me afraid for dating now since now I know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to date. It seems as though it’s very hard to find someone at the right time these days... One person is always hung up on an ex

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If it was a long term live-in relationship... I wouldn't start anything unless it had been at least a year. Although in my case it was probably two years before I was really ready to let go and move on.

 

Now if you are waiting until someone is actually OVER their ex before dating them... well. That definitely depends on the relationship and the theory you subscribe to... the classic theory is half the length of the relationship which if applied to me... my marriage lasted 15 years... it means I will be completely over my ex in another 4 years

 

I happen to like the How I Met Your Mother theory best in this article though...

 

https://hellogiggles.com/love-sex/get-over-breakup-theories/

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Everyone is different and it honestly depends on the relationship before and how you are within yourself after the breakup.

 

I know people who have waited over a year until they are ready. Me included in that.

 

I've also rushed back into dating when it was too soon and pulled myself back to heal.

 

Then I know someone who is still with her partner now married and with a child. They have been together coming up ten years. She was only single for three months before they got together! Some would say that's too soon as it was following a 5 yr relationship. But they are happy.

 

I don't believe in jumping from one relationship to another. I do feel you need some time being single. That said there is no set time for when you are "ready".

 

You'll know within yourself when the time is right to get back out there.

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I think we all know someone that has been single for a pretty long time but is still hung up on their ex or the break up in general so time is not always a good gauge is it?

 

I agree the time they were together is a pretty big factor and also how long the break up went on for. Was it a slow motion break up where they were off and on for months? Did the relationship just die and it was mutual? Are there children involved?

 

The first few dates usually will clue you in if they are ready to be dating if you chose to see the signs and not ignore the red flags because they are really attractive.

 

If you are ready and you once dated when you weren't you should be a pretty darn good judge don't you think?

 

Lost

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I would maybe ask some kind of probing question to see how much they talk about their ex. It’s hard to do that without talking about your ex too - or seeming desperate or something - but I think it can be done. I’ll think on questions to see if I can come up with anything graceful

 

Usually, my dates in the past always bring up their ex on their own. It’s something I never bring up, especially on a first date and looking back, every date I went on who talked about their ex, I wasn’t interested in them afterwards. Don’t know if that was subconsciously the cause though

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Usually, my dates in the past always bring up their ex on their own. It’s something I never bring up, especially on a first date and looking back, every date I went on who talked about their ex, I wasn’t interested in them afterwards. Don’t know if that was subconsciously the cause though

 

Call me crazy, but I kind of love when people talk about their exes on dates. If it has a tone of obsession, that kind of unresolved edge—great, information. Probably not what I'm into, unless, hey, I'm also in that edgy spot, and then we can go down some consensual semi-nihilistic (but totally honest) road together. Have done that once or twice, am probably done with that mode of dating, but can't say good times weren't had.

 

But when it's just kind of matter-of-fact about an ex—cool, dig it. Because I'm a grown up too and find the whole little game of pretending we're virgins meeting in a field to be kind of lame. The exes become the elephants in the room. Kind of prefer to just call it all what is—two people, with pasts, seeing what's presently up.

 

In some perfect world, we wait until an ex is fully purged, but it's so rarely the case. Sometimes they're barely purged, sometimes half purged, sometimes 80 percent purged—and, lo and behold, it is meeting some enticing new person who dilutes the remaining residue. That can be sincere, can lead to great stuff. All in all, I kind of think that relationships work when two people meet and for whatever reason can carry the weight of the other with ease, whatever that weight may be.

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it's not a length of time that determines this.. it is their emotional state. you answered you're own question - you do not want to be a REBOUND relationship. Thus the answer to your question is "when you are not a rebound relationship for them."

 

but how can you tell? The rule i always use is this - "when the person is just as fine being single as they are wanting to be with somebody." In more specific terms, it means they're life is no longer affected in any way by their past (except for maybe if they have kids and they need to shuttle the kids back and forth). But other than that, nothing from their past bothers them, affects them, can change their mood, change what they intend and want to do.

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I agree with bc.

 

I welcome any discussion that allows me to dig further into his brain/psyche, where he is at that moment, information is power especially in the early stages. Including a discussion about an ex.

 

The only time I will not welcome such discussion is if/when he starts trashing his ex in a very derogatory way and I can sense his hostility, which has happened.

 

I do not welcome that nor will I entertain it.

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Call me crazy, but I kind of love when people talk about their exes on dates. If it has a tone of obsession, that kind of unresolved edge—great, information. Probably not what I'm into, unless, hey, I'm also in that edgy spot, and then we can go down some consensual semi-nihilistic (but totally honest) road together. Have done that once or twice, am probably done with that mode of dating, but can't say good times weren't had.

 

But when it's just kind of matter-of-fact about an ex—cool, dig it. Because I'm a grown up too and find the whole little game of pretending we're virgins meeting in a field to be kind of lame. The exes become the elephants in the room. Kind of prefer to just call it all what is—two people, with pasts, seeing what's presently up.

 

In some perfect world, we wait until an ex is fully purged, but it's so rarely the case. Sometimes they're barely purged, sometimes half purged, sometimes 80 percent purged—and, lo and behold, it is meeting some enticing new person who dilutes the remaining residue. That can be sincere, can lead to great stuff. All in all, I kind of think that relationships work when two people meet and for whatever reason can carry the weight of the other with ease, whatever that weight may be.

 

I really like this post. It kind of puts things in a different perspective for me personally.

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Unless we are dating someone who has never had a RL, aren't we all rebounds?

 

Preach!

 

I mean, if we could all just kind of accept this we'd cut out a whole lot of mental noise on these matters. Because, well, it's true.

 

Yes, there's the dark rebound stuff—the quick swipe 24 hours post breakup, the bedroom romp after 48 hours, the week of whimsical love bombing followed by the jittery freakout. Not so fun, though most of us have some experience in that little swamp, and that experience can create some antennas that warn us when we might be getting a bit swampy again.

 

But, all in all, we are all rebounds. We ain't virgins in a field, but beautifully filthy adult humans learning every day how to wear those dirty clothes with some dignity and panache. And, man, when we can, together, for a few months, for a few years—c'mon, what's more fun than that?

 

If I'm out with someone new, of course she's comparing me to where she's been before, whether it was two weeks ago or two years. Superficial stuff: the shape of my body, my hair, my breath. Less superficial: my smarts (or lack thereof), the way I listen (or fail to), my general vibe. Ideally she likes what she sees, and she likes it in part because it's a bit different from what she last saw—the thing that didn't work. Oh, hey, this bluecastle guy is kinda sweet where greencastle was sour, kinda funny where yellowcastle was self-serious.

 

And, sure, there may be something about me that triggers a melancholy little swoon for those days with redcastle—all good, because it would be kind of weird if she hated redcastle. After all, they shared space, once upon a time, and only time will tell if redcastle is glowing a little too brightly in her head and heart to make room for little old me.

 

True story: was on a date yesterday. Talk of tattoos came up. She had one—her ex's name, on her ribs. It was adorable (as were her ribs—blush) and a cute story: he's got her name on his thigh. I dug it, dug the whole way she told it: an elegant woman with some life lived, with a sense of humor about the winds of life and love. Green flag moment, you know, in the form of ex banter.

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If it was a short relationship (6 months or less) then give it at least a couple months before dating.

 

If it was a longer relationship, obviously a longer time. If the relationship was a year or more..give it at least 6 months.

 

If it was a marriage, dating would be off the table for at least a year, maybe longer.

 

 

This is a loosely based timeline to follow. You have to take into account as well how their mental state is regarding the relationship. Are they over their ex? Are they still in contact? Do they still talk about them or miss them? Etc, etc.

 

These things all matter as well.

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What exactly is a "rebound" anyway? I've never understood this.

 

Unless we are dating someone who has never had a RL, aren't we all rebounds?

 

Our past always affects our present, no matter how long it's been since we've broken up.

 

I see youre thinking very abstractly today.

 

We can grab a cup of tea and discuss definitions all night but for the sake of helping posters who are asking legitimate questions, its a departure.

 

Rebounding - for the most part, we all have our personal beliefs of what this looks like. I think if an individual is say posting on healing after breakup discussing how they cant stop looking at their exes social media and how they cant believe its over and then they mention they have a date at 7, WHICH HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE, I think most would agree they are rebounding. Defined as using someone to get over a previous relationship, to help make the pain stop, to drag you into their sh*t.

 

Butterflies and big words and overly dramatic ideas aint gonna make that ok.

 

So in that respect, no, we are not all rebounding.

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Everyone has a past relationship... but when you start dating someone new, how long do you usually want them to be single for? Of course it depends on how long their last relationship was but really, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually over their ex or not or just using you as a rebound.

 

If a marriage, I would want one year legally single. If long term and not married/no kids, more flexible. My husband was shortly out of a one year relationship and I was 6 months out of a long term one when we reconnected and started dating again. No rebound issues.

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I see youre thinking very abstractly today.

 

We can grab a cup of tea and discuss definitions all night but for the sake of helping posters who are asking legitimate questions, its a departure.

 

Rebounding - for the most part, we all have our personal beliefs of what this looks like. I think if an individual is say posting on healing after breakup discussing how they cant stop looking at their exes social media and how they cant believe its over and then they mention they have a date at 7, WHICH HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE, I think most would agree they are rebounding. Defined as using someone to get over a previous relationship, to help make the pain stop, to drag you into their sh*t.

 

Butterflies and big words and overly dramatic ideas aint gonna make that ok.

 

So in that respect, no, we are not all rebounding.

 

I remember when I rebounded. I almost married Mr Right on Paper when I was 23. We got engaged. He didn’t excite me and I was always wondering what was out there. We broke up and right after I met two guys - through one mutual friend and they knew each other. One was really hot looking and reserved kind of cold and fresh out of college where he’d partied a lot. Awesome dancer. Not interested in settling down. The chemistry blew me away. Second guy was a bit older and kind of settled. He had just ended an engagement and was a gentleman and kind of shy and intellectual and not unattractive but not hot. Both wanted to date me. Because I’d just ended an engagement with a nice stable guy I went for the bad guy. And know it wasn’t an intentional rebound. I was 23 and living it up. I also dated the good guy for a bit and he knew who I would choose.

I ended up regretting my decision years later and by then good guy had settled for the woman he eventually married. He was still attracted to me and I didn’t pursue it because he was taken. Bad boy and I had a long term rollercoaster relationship. He actually did propose after a few years and I declined. I must have sensed somewhere deep down that something was off - I’ve mentioned him before since he ended up happily married to a wonderful man.

Classic rebound. But when I started dating my husband it was like a clean slate. Sure I compared him to last boyfriend’s including the most recent ltr but not in any real way and actually they had stuff in common. And I knew it wasn’t because the relationship has lasted - it was never a way to get over my ex or any other signs of rebound as I define it.

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How soon did they check out of the relationship? I know people who were with someone for years, but they emotionally, mentally (and what not) distanced themselves from the relationship. Eventually they had the guts to break it off (or couldn't take it any longer). After a couple of weeks, or in some cases even days, they had moved on to someone new, someone who they really wanted to be with. Some are outlasting their previous relationship and are much happier. Others I cannot comment on as it's still a fresh relationship.

 

The moral of this anecdote: How long your date was single for may not matter as long as he/she checked out of his/her recent relationship long enough.

 

 

Signs you could be a rebound, depending on context (as context always matters):

- Your date is trying to fill a void.

- Your date compares you to his/her ex a lot.

- Your date talks constantly about his/her ex.

- Your date refuses to talk about his/her ex.

- Last but not least, when you guys accidentally bump into the ex on the street and your date is trying to impress the ex.

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