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Hey,

 

Hope everyone is having a good Monday 🙂

 

I guess I’ll skip a lengthy intro and jump straight into it, why are the expectations of people via online dating apps so high? I mean it’s totally crazy, if you are not 5’11”+, look like you belong on the cover of men’s health, earning £60k+ a year and own a 4 bedroom detached house on a private estate with a Maserati on the drive women talk to you like you’ve failed at life... when did the world become like this, is this the reality of the social media influence on this generation? Why have expectations become so high and is there any way to combat this?

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Which sites are you on? Just skip the ones with checklists like that. Get on some paid, more serious sites like Match, Bumble, eHarmony, etc. in addition to any throw-away free sites. Step away from too much social media and reality shows that depict this type of mindless materialism.

 

Many women on those type of sites are burned out and broke so over-compensate by creating these ridiculous filters.. Also add real life scenarios to your dating portfolio such has volunteering, taking classes and courses and joining clubs and groups that reflect your interests.

 

Strive to meet quality women, not just free site gold diggers and scammers. It's doubtful if you were volunteering for a worthy cause that the women there are driving up in Ferraris or expect to meet men who do or male models.

why are the expectations of people via online dating apps so high? Why have expectations become so high and is there any way to combat this?
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I get so sick of the stereotype that women have a million guys chasing after them.

 

No. The super attractive women do.

 

OP - what kind of women are you going for? What are your pictures like?

 

I reject immediately any guy who only has sunglasses pictured and any guy who is always in group photos (I assume he’s trying to hide himself, which feels insecure). I also reject guys who post any pic surrounded by women. Feels desperate and gross, or show offy.

 

I’m not a 10 so I don’t go for 10s.

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OP. Agreed with mustlovedogs. Women who have normal lives do not have tons of guys chasing them.

I don’t count the timeframe I’m on a dating app. Those interactions do arrive in droves but they’re only as sincere as the guys behind the profile and largely a waste of time. But we’re all hoping that weeding through the BS we’ll find someone who’s right for us.

Have some friends help you with your profile. MLD suggestions for your pics I agree with. Also no fishing trip pics.

I for one, just skip over any man who will say that his body type is athletic but he’s got a double chin or beer belly, or a man who will say he wants a woman who is toned or athletic because it’s not true for me. I also reject anyone staunch on religion, or politics or the grammar is off, or lives in what will be a difficult commute to date, or his life is infested with cats, he lives with his parents, he’s too young, too old, comes off as overly sophisticated, etc etc etc.

I think—present your true self in as best of wording and pictures as possible, send in-app short emails to women you fancy, relax and see how it goes.

When you read through women’s bios take them for their word. If they say they want you to have certain attributes that aren’t true for you—reject those women.

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I for one, just skip over any man who will say that his body type is athletic but he’s got a double chin or beer belly.

 

Well, it's not because you got a double chin or a beer belly that you are not athletic ... A guy that I sometimes train with have a 700 lbs deadlift a 650lbs squat and a low 400 lbs bench, dude is legit fat like 25% bf but if he labeled himself as athletic, it would not be a lie by any stretch. I mean, he is in a sense more athletic than me if we only take account pure raw strength.

 

So yeah there might be some liars but some don't and if you discard such guys without asking questions first, it's cause it's not your type of athletic, not every one shoots for the classic men physique looks and a lot of athletes train for their sports not for the looks.

 

That being said, you are perfectly right to do so if you don't like this type of physique but just wanted to correct that cause some guys train there ass off and treat them as not athletic ain't fair to them.

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I have friends that have incredibly high standards to the point they judge some of the matches I have and chose to talk to and go on a date with.

 

These girls are still single. Reason being if you set unrealistic expectations you'll never meet them. Like other posters suggested try more genuine apps. that you have to pay for. You may meet like minded women.

 

So don't take it to heart. You'll meet someone with the same expectations as you. They will be humble and never think they can "do better".

 

Online dating has lead society to live in a very superficial way when it comes to dating. It's the harsh reality of dating now.

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And MLD for the win.

 

OPer there are literally a dozen posts, that I’ve seen that are darn near word for word what you wrote.

 

To put it bluntly it’s not us it’s you. You need to hear this or you are destined to be alone it’s not us it’s you.

 

I’m an average girl, I go after average guys. None of the average men I’ve met online dating EVEE look at me in amazement and tell me their harrowing story ofnhaving to battle 100 other suitors.

 

I went on a date last week. Dude drove an old Toyota.

 

I can almost GUARENTEE you either haven’t actually done online dating or you’re trying to getbwomen who are completely out of your league.

 

Either way. Dating isn’t a right. Nor is online dating and it’s not for everyone, I know plenty of men and women who refuse to touch it and they have no problem dating. Honestly I’m amazed at how well some of my male friends do without touching online dating, they’re always meeting women. They work average jobs, but they are pretty decent looking men and they go after women within their dating pool.

 

PROMISE YOU, no GUARENTEE YOU, if you went after women in your league you’d be good to go.

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I get so sick of the stereotype that women have a million guys chasing after them.

 

No. The super attractive women do.

 

OP - what kind of women are you going for? What are your pictures like?

 

I reject immediately any guy who only has sunglasses pictured and any guy who is always in group photos (I assume he’s trying to hide himself, which feels insecure). I also reject guys who post any pic surrounded by women. Feels desperate and gross, or show offy.

 

I’m not a 10 so I don’t go for 10s.

 

Same when I used on line dating sites.

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When I used online dating, I do remember it was very overwhealming. As a woman, men on there come in hoards and are generally the pursuers. It was intimidating, so I became the pursuer of a couple I liked and eventually wound up dating the guy with cats in space as his profile picture. Didn't even know what he looked like, until we set up a date and I had to know what he looked like. I only knew he had commonalities with myself, which I looked for in a partner.

 

You state the stereotypes of online dating. I do admit it favors more towards women than men, statistically speaking for receptivity. Of course there are genuine people on there with normal standards, while there are those who shoot for the stars. The point is online dating is flawed, but it's supposed to supplement your dating life, not be your dating life. It is an extra outlet to add to your repertoire and you should treat it as such. Don't make a certain few people "the enemy" and apply it as an overlaying term for a general population. It's not attractive and it shows.

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OP my guess is you must be insecure about what you can offer a woman or you would not be saying such things.

 

I do have high expectations (and yes it's probably why I am still single) but it is because in my previous relationships, I lowered my expectations to the point that I was essentially turning myself into a pretzel to please the person I was with.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around appearance just like everyone else's... I am athletic and active and fit, and passionate about health and wellness, so of course I want the same in a partner, because I want them to share similar values.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around financial and personal success... because I have worked very hard to become financially and personally successful and I want a relationship with someone that shares similar values around personal development... and I don't want to have to carry anyone or work through their resentment of my financial success with them (yes this has actually happened haha)

 

What makes a person a 10 in my eyes is not whether they look like a model or drive a fancy car.... it's how they show up in life. How much energy they put into bettering themselves and the world around them. Whether or not they are open to learning new things about the world and about themselves. Shared principles and values. Confidence. A unicorn perhaps but I am hopeful that such a thing does indeed exist somewhere out there.

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I'm extremely picky when it comes to dating, that's why I'll probably be single for a long time.

 

Regarding online dating, it's all a part of the social media fiend that has plagued our society. When it comes to millennial like myself, it's all about who has the cool Facebook photos, who's "in" and who's "out". Me, I'm just a simple man. I don't really care about having fancy clothes, fancy cars, or any other materialistic stuff. I just want to be myself, and find a woman who appreciates that. Women like that are really hard to find, which is why that'll take a while.

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OP my guess is you must be insecure about what you can offer a woman or you would not be saying such things.

 

I do have high expectations (and yes it's probably why I am still single) but it is because in my previous relationships, I lowered my expectations to the point that I was essentially turning myself into a pretzel to please the person I was with.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around appearance just like everyone else's... I am athletic and active and fit, and passionate about health and wellness, so of course I want the same in a partner, because I want them to share similar values.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around financial and personal success... because I have worked very hard to become financially and personally successful and I want a relationship with someone that shares similar values around personal development... and I don't want to have to carry anyone or work through their resentment of my financial success with them (yes this has actually happened haha)

 

What makes a person a 10 in my eyes is not whether they look like a model or drive a fancy car.... it's how they show up in life. How much energy they put into bettering themselves and the world around them. Whether or not they are open to learning new things about the world and about themselves. Shared principles and values. Confidence. A unicorn perhaps but I am hopeful that such a thing does indeed exist somewhere out there.

 

Great response, this.

 

My expectations of another are essentially a mirror of my expectations for myself. And they're pretty high. Some of that is appearance based, sure, for the same reasons maew laid out. I'm 6ft, fit, super active—don't judge!—always down for a wild adventure, always working toward holistic balance, and I want to be with someone who compliments all that. I also work my tail off, am proud of my credit score and mortgage, and am looking for someone who shares those values, too. (Maew, I know that resentment of which you speak!)

 

Elusive stuff, all that. Still searching, patiently, at 39. And have made plenty of missteps because, well, I'm not a robot.

 

I live in Los Angeles, one of the most superficial cities on the planet if you indulge it from a certain angle. Plenty of Maserati-seekers in these parts, without question. When I encounter that energy, I just yawn. Next please—but no judgement toward the whole of women. Different values, all good. Maybe you want to focus more on celebrating what you do bring to the table rather than focusing on women (or some idea about women) that affirms what you don't. Find that sweet spot and it's a lot more fun out there in the land of swiping.

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OP my guess is you must be insecure about what you can offer a woman or you would not be saying such things.

 

I do have high expectations (and yes it's probably why I am still single) but it is because in my previous relationships, I lowered my expectations to the point that I was essentially turning myself into a pretzel to please the person I was with.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around appearance just like everyone else's... I am athletic and active and fit, and passionate about health and wellness, so of course I want the same in a partner, because I want them to share similar values.

 

My expectations do somewhat revolve around financial and personal success... because I have worked very hard to become financially and personally successful and I want a relationship with someone that shares similar values around personal development... and I don't want to have to carry anyone or work through their resentment of my financial success with them (yes this has actually happened haha)

 

What makes a person a 10 in my eyes is not whether they look like a model or drive a fancy car.... it's how they show up in life. How much energy they put into bettering themselves and the world around them. Whether or not they are open to learning new things about the world and about themselves. Shared principles and values. Confidence. A unicorn perhaps but I am hopeful that such a thing does indeed exist somewhere out there.

 

Well, I'm not disagreeing per se with you since all you say make sense regarding wanting a person that fits you and not lowered your expectations and all.

 

Nevertheless, I'm wondering if focusing too much on oneself cannot prevent one to find someone.

 

I meam, building financial and personnal success at works translate more often than not in responsability job and 50-60 hours of work per week.

 

Staying fit and athletic will require like 4-5 trainings day a week which amount as 10-12 hours + a little snap here and there to recover especially on week-end so 12-16 hours

 

if you value personal development and do some art or readings you can throw in 15-25 hours a week in the activity.

 

If you still want to see your friends here and there add 4-8 hours a week.

 

If you sleep 8 hours per night (minimum if you do sports regularly) that's 56 hours

 

Add cook time, travel, and so on 4-6 hours.

 

That leaves you around 4-6 hours for meeting another person and if she has the same values as you she has as little as you.

 

I'm not advocate to be a lazy bast... by any case, just saying to the op that there is a middle ground in focus on improving oneself and always shooting for more, having high standards and making a step back and having normal expectations.

 

But this answer might be a bias from my part as I find it difficult to establish bond with people since I have always focus on my activities.

 

I just wanted to say that I feel that the more you focus on yourself, the less I feel it is easy to connect to other and if you want people like you, they might have the same "problem" so it is even harder to create a bond. Don't know if I make sense so, that's just a feeling.

 

Regards

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yes its the media and media portrayel of everything. its our movies. the fact that society now lives in fantasy more than reality. it is because the middle class has disappeared so you are EITHER in the 1% and thus exadctly what you described or you are struggling to survive. it's ALL of this in a nutshell.

 

and we have nobody but ourselves to blame for "falling for it" - aka getting addicted and caught up in all the distractions our smart devices provide and forgetting to "live real life", "talk to real people in person", etc.

 

everthing is a reality show, drive-thru, fast food mentality (aka fantasy, no work...)

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How much you allow social media, computers, phones, internet to dictate your life is up to you.

 

When I'm out and about, I see people of all ages out enjoying life, hanging out with friends, talking, laughing, fully engaged in whatever activity they are doing. The stereotype of people with their noses buried in their phones are few and far between. Most are just normal people, ordinary, human, imperfect - leading ordinary lives, living in the moment.

 

So if you feel like you are not living up to the fakebook or whatever is being spoon fed to you, maybe YOU are that person who needs to put the phone away, step away from the keyboard and computer screens and get out and live in the real world among all those ordinary people you seek, because that's most of humanity.

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I'm extremely picky when it comes to dating, that's why I'll probably be single for a long time.

 

Regarding online dating, it's all a part of the social media fiend that has plagued our society. When it comes to millennial like myself, it's all about who has the cool Facebook photos, who's "in" and who's "out". Me, I'm just a simple man. I don't really care about having fancy clothes, fancy cars, or any other materialistic stuff. I just want to be myself, and find a woman who appreciates that. Women like that are really hard to find, which is why that'll take a while.

 

I did online dating (well the sites, I dated in real life only) well before social media. I did personal ads well before the internet. Nothing to do with social media. I cannot stand when i choose to let facebook give me feelings of inadequacy and yet I love Facebook for all it offers me in my situation, in my life/lifestyle.

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Well, I'm not disagreeing per se with you since all you say make sense regarding wanting a person that fits you and not lowered your expectations and all.

 

Nevertheless, I'm wondering if focusing too much on oneself cannot prevent one to find someone.

 

I meam, building financial and personnal success at works translate more often than not in responsability job and 50-60 hours of work per week.

 

Staying fit and athletic will require like 4-5 trainings day a week which amount as 10-12 hours + a little snap here and there to recover especially on week-end so 12-16 hours

 

if you value personal development and do some art or readings you can throw in 15-25 hours a week in the activity.

 

If you still want to see your friends here and there add 4-8 hours a week.

 

If you sleep 8 hours per night (minimum if you do sports regularly) that's 56 hours

 

Add cook time, travel, and so on 4-6 hours.

 

That leaves you around 4-6 hours for meeting another person and if she has the same values as you she has as little as you.

 

I'm not advocate to be a lazy bast... by any case, just saying to the op that there is a middle ground in focus on improving oneself and always shooting for more, having high standards and making a step back and having normal expectations.

 

But this answer might be a bias from my part as I find it difficult to establish bond with people since I have always focus on my activities.

 

I just wanted to say that I feel that the more you focus on yourself, the less I feel it is easy to connect to other and if you want people like you, they might have the same "problem" so it is even harder to create a bond. Don't know if I make sense so, that's just a feeling.

 

Regards

 

It’s a good point and very true if one chooses not to be flexible with their time when it comes to developing a relationship.

 

In the beginning of a relationship I think 4-6 hours a week for dating (let’s say once or twice a week) would be a good balance. As it moves forward and if we are important to each other, I anticipate that we also make more time for each other along the way.

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So back in May you posted that you had been on 2 sites for 8 weeks without one match.

 

You got come really good advice from some of the same people posting on this thread. Did you try any of their advice? Especially from the women?

 

Now this is where there needs to be a disclaimer:

 

The women on this site are far more grounded and genuine than most guys will encounter on a dating site. Some may argue the point but I have been here a while and I have talked to and met a lot of women from dating sites and feel I can accurately compare them.

 

If what you are doing is not working then you need to try something else. It is that simple. Set realistic goals and be honest with yourself. Most of all why would you want to be with a person that is so materialist and vain that they look down on 95% of society?

 

Don't blame any type of media because they do not force anyone to digest what they are selling, it is all our choice to believe and live our lives in a way that is real and genuine or not.

 

I know you are frustrated and feel rejected by ALL women. They are not the enemy and there are a great deal of really great women out there, they just might not be where you are looking...

 

Lost

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A lot of guys do well with women and they aren't financially well off nor that attractive. It's charm and confidence that ultimately solidifies it. . Women can overlook a lot if they like your personality.

 

I think you have a very warped view on life and you probably have this double standard where you expect ABCDEFG but can barely muster or bring to the table an A. The desperation, negativity and sense of entitlement can always be felt.

 

I have high standards but I think they're justified. I think you're meant to date someone similar right?

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A lot of guys do well with women and they aren't financially well off nor that attractive. It's charm and confidence that ultimately solidifies it. . Women can overlook a lot if they like your personality.

 

 

I agree! It's about your vibe, energy. Trumps everything else - money, job, status, looks, everything.

 

It's all about your vibe/energy. That is what draws and connects people to each other.

 

As a dear member of this forum would say -- everything else is just "noise."

 

Superficial noise.

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Very well said honey-

 

“ I have high standards but I think they’re justified “

 

I mean anyone can have any standards they please, but if you can’t offer what you’re expecting, it’s not going to to be very fruitful.

 

Many who are saying they’re picky most likely have a reason to be. Dating at its core is very much supply and demand.

 

Anyway I think this whole thing is falling on deaf ears as another poster pointed out this same post was posted by the OPer in May, this seems like a vent more than an actual desire to figure out what’s going on.

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