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Closure... Does it really exist?


Jellybean9
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I've been thinking long and hard about this concept.

 

To me closure is necessary for moving past certain things in life.

 

It is also just as important in a break-up.

 

A lot of people are adament never seeking closure from their ex after a breakup.

 

I took a great deal of time to heal after a messy breakup years ago and only feel I truly healed 8 months later when we bumped into each other and I got "closure".

 

I'm sat here thinking maybe if I had reached out to him sooner asking to meet for "closure" would I have healed sooner? I will never know the answer to that.

 

I also wonder would I have ever really got over him if I didn't bump into him.

 

Granted there are times after other break-ups that I felt I didn't need closure and moved on without.it. Maybe I just wasn't as emtionally invested.

 

I know there are many views on this concept of closure. I know some are all for it to help the healing process. While others think you have no right to request it if it's "over" and you should move on without it.

 

What are all your thoughts and opinions on the matter. Would be great to get an insight.

 

As some advice on how to move on when a break-up meant you didn't get closure initially.

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My opinion on closure is that it is not something someone else gives you, but something you do yourself. It is the beginning of the healing process, once you have dealt with your denial and anger. You close the door on that relationship and walk on without it. It is a level of acceptance that you are prepared to move on questions unanswered.

 

In my opinion, if you had bumped into him after a month or two, it would not have helped you heal any faster. If anything, it would have added questions to the turmoil of your broken up mind. That you bumped into him 8 months later and realised that you were fully over him, was not closure in iteself, but a mental test that this was the right thing to have happened. It's like the ex-smoker who struggled with giving up for months and was happy that they had. Then 8 months down the track, someone offered you a cigarette, and you turned to them and said, 'Thanks, but I don't smoke.'

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My opinion on closure is that it is not something someone else gives you, but something you do yourself.

 

My thoughts exactly. One of the reasons is that someone will give you different reasons why they broke up with you at different times. So you never get the real reason and sometimes they don't even know the real reason. I think you eventually find a reason that you yourself can live with after a period of time. So whatever your ex told you, apparently it was something that made sense to you at that time.

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That's interesting!

 

I've never actually looked at it like that.

 

You are right. If I bumped into him when I was still an emotional mess it would have probably made me feel worst.

 

Truth is when I met him 8 months after I was over him by that point. It wasn't actually closure. I must have accepted all prior to bumping into him and moved on without "the closure talk" with him.

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Agree with these two viewpoints. Time without contact usually does heal things from a time and reflection standpoint. And 8 mos is a long enough time.

My opinion on closure is that it is not something someone else gives you, but something you do yourself.

I think you eventually find a reason that you yourself can live with after a period of time.
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That all said. I started dating again after the 6 month point.

 

It wasn't until bumping into him and "catching up" did I start dating for real after that.

 

I was merely dating and felt not ready. So pulled back. Dating again following bumping into gin two months date. I realised what was I waiting for.

 

I got back out there and dated for real. No apprehensions or anything. Makes me feel if I didn't bump into him would I have still been battling personal demons.

 

Guess I'll never now.

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I think the concept of closure is a very abstract thing and is often used by those who are in the bargaining stage of their healing or who have attachment issues they have yet to face.

 

The only exception to that, again to me, is when someone ghosts you.

 

To me when someone says “ I don’t want to be with you anymore” there’s your closure that’s literally all you need to know.

 

Think about it, by closure do you mean someone literally sitting you down and telling you exactly why they don’t want to be with you? Do you mean you cry in each other’s arms and then part ways? Of course not, for the most part, again unless someone was ghosted, a person wanting to talk things through after being told I don’t want to be with you anymore is a way to bargain with them and change their mind.

 

Closure comes from within. The rest is simply a refusal to let go.

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Closure, I think, comes in stages, phases. And I agree with the others that it's not something an ex can provide, but something time delivers.

 

There's no clear road, really, and there are ways (elegant, inelegant) that contact with an ex can bring something like closure, though often through keeping wounds open. Years ago, following a breakup, I stayed in touch with an ex, continued sleeping together from time to time. We were genuinely pretty cool with the whole thing—living in different cities, moving forward with our lives. It was blurry, yeah, but not messy or dramatic. One time, right after we slept together, I just kind of realized I was done, that we weren't really on the same plane, whatever plane(s) we were on. That was a closure moment—not some lightening strike, but the beginning of really letting that go, dating with more intention, and so on. No regrets about any of it—closure did come—but a path I'd avoid in the future.

 

Another example, similar to yours. My most recent ex I knew I was done with, like for good, within a month of breaking up. Plenty of unresolved thoughts, feelings, and pain, sure, but there was nothing to engage in, no information needed, just sh*t to feel. Reigns handed over to time, and time only. After about 7 months I just kind of realized I wasn't thinking about her so much—that door had kind of just closed. I started dating again without the feeling of intense baggage. Well, not long ago, she decided to send me a series of hostile, irrational text messages. My emotional reaction to that was...nadda. It was just sad, almost laughable—oh, dang, that's just who she is, you know? Not closure, in other words, but a kind of confirmation of closure.

 

Ultimately, we find closure when we're ready for it. If you're not ready, nothing an ex can say will help you move on. ("I love longer love you" can be the same as "I still love you but am confused" if you allow it, which plenty of people do.)

 

And, of course, something that is "closed" can get "opened" again. People linger inside of us, and it's up to us how much we indulge that, or not. Oftentimes we realize that indulging it is kind of fruitless, that it gets in the way of enjoying the present, and so we kind of ignore whatever is lingering and then it dissipates.

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That all said. I started dating again after the 6 month point.

 

It wasn't until bumping into him and "catching up" did I start dating for real after that.

.

 

I think that is the test that you are over someone, bumping into them at a later date. But I also think that at some point you would have met someone and judged yourself ready.

 

Good to see you back out there again.

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Guess it all depends. I never thought if it.

 

Like there would be nothing worst than crying into each other's arms. That's not closure just cruel.

 

Like you said ghosting is a different kettle of fish. How can you close a door that was never closed?

 

That said my friend went through a messy divorce. Once all the paperwork was over. She still didn't feel like she had closure. That only came letter when he sobbed his heart out in text. Saying how sorry he was and regrets all he done blah blah blah. Only then did she feel like she felt she could move on. Was that closure?

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I can only echo that closure is internal. It's letting go for good. An acceptance that it's over and feeling at peace with it. Getting to "meh" about your ex no matter what unanswered questions are out there. Accepting at long last that you two really weren't meant to be together and it's OK.

 

I think in your case OP, running into your ex just confirmed for you what was already there internally, what you've already reached - that you were ready to move on and leave him behind. You would have gotten there without running into him as well. Maybe in a week or a another month, but the seed was already ready to grow and bloom inside of you.

 

As for your divorced friend, her "closure" was really just validation that he was in the wrong about a lot of things. Problem is that you don't always get that from your ex or only get it years later. So you have to work that out for yourself, internally, you have to trust that your ex is gone and it's good for you. Sure you may get lucky and your ex will actually say what you want to hear, validate you, but...... you really can't count on that at all. In fact, you should count on not getting what you need from them and trust your own reason even if your emotions aren't on board....yet.

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i will add to what DancingFool said about your divorced friend needing "validation that he was in the wrong.."

 

Closure is when you decide or get to the point of: "you know what? it doesn't matter to me why it didn't work anymore, who was in the wrong - i don't care why it happened and who was wrong... it doesn't matter anymore. i'm moving on."

 

A lot of people define closure as "figuring out what happened"... No. That's not closure. In fact if you truly think about it - clinging to that is what PREVENTS closure.

 

Closure is when you decide "it doesn't matter to me anymore.. time to move on without looking back." THAT is closure. And as explained before - that ONLY comes from within. Nobody GIVES that to you.

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Guess it all depends. I never thought if it.

 

Like there would be nothing worst than crying into each other's arms. That's not closure just cruel.

 

Like you said ghosting is a different kettle of fish. How can you close a door that was never closed?

 

That said my friend went through a messy divorce. Once all the paperwork was over. She still didn't feel like she had closure. That only came letter when he sobbed his heart out in text. Saying how sorry he was and regrets all he done blah blah blah. Only then did she feel like she felt she could move on. Was that closure?

 

Hmmm, I suppose it could/should be defined as closure.

 

Was it needed though? I kinda see that as sprinkles on the cupcake. Not needed but a happy addition for sure.

 

At the end of the day I think its validation and our egos love to be fed so it helps.

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At the end of the day I think its validation and our egos love to be fed so it helps.

 

I suppose you are right. Seeing my ex still the same pathetic mess I left him in. Knowing I had grown during that time in confidence made me feel so much better.

 

I remember dating prior to that. He asked if I had been and it felt good to say yes. He claimed he hadn't and I believed.

 

Maybe it was that ego boost I needed to go on after that and really date.

 

 

Like everyone said I would have come to that on my own even if I didn't meet him.

 

Same goes for my friend with the divorce. She said it was so rewarding seeing him crawl back with the sorry and essentially crying to her.

 

Guess it wasn't clouser just more of an ego boost for us both!

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I know there are many views on this concept of closure. I know some are all for it to help the healing process. While others think you have no right to request it if it's "over" and you should move on without it.

 

It's not about a 'right,' because we can do whatever we want. Inventing some kind of 'need' for external closure sets us up to believe that we are dependent on someone else's behavior to clear some self-imposed barrier. I don't buy it. It's like saying, "If I can't manipulate my ex into removing this distraction I've created, then I'm doomed to never fully move on..."

 

To each their own, but I can skip that. I'm capable of navigating my future regardless of any ex's perceptions or permission to do that.

 

Sure, while it's always nice to live without any enemies in the world, I can neutralize any beliefs that I've created one. I'd rather focus on growing into the best possible person I can become by internalizing any lessons I've learned from a relationship and applying those with confidence in my future.

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A basketball coach was asked about their team's momentum and how important it was for them. The coach responded with "Momentum is important if you believe its important". I thought that was a brilliant response. Its like those people that bought the magnetized bracelets, if you believe they work, then they work. I think closure is more of an idea than reality. If you believe closure is important then its important, but closure is not needed for you to move on from a broken relationship.

I would change the mindset and replace "Closure" with "Acceptance". I think once you accept what happened you will realize that the reasons behind the break up just doesn't matter anymore. If mistakes were made by you, then you learn from them. If mistakes were made by the other person, then you learn how to recognize them.

Acceptance is about the result and not the reason.

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No1 thank you for your input.

 

You are right. If it is important to that individual then guess it would be hard for them to move on.

 

But you are right. It is all about acceptance and learning.

 

Just got thinking about it all after reading a newspaper article about a man struggling to come to terms with his break up as he didn't get closure. Obviously he felt like it was "important" to him.

 

This is an interesting concept.

 

Thanks to all of you for your input x

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A basketball coach was asked about their team's momentum and how important it was for them. The coach responded with "Momentum is important if you believe its important". I thought that was a brilliant response. Its like those people that bought the magnetized bracelets, if you believe they work, then they work. I think closure is more of an idea than reality. If you believe closure is important then its important, but closure is not needed for you to move on from a broken relationship.

I would change the mindset and replace "Closure" with "Acceptance". I think once you accept what happened you will realize that the reasons behind the break up just doesn't matter anymore. If mistakes were made by you, then you learn from them. If mistakes were made by the other person, then you learn how to recognize them.

Acceptance is about the result and not the reason.

 

Great post. I agree that we're each in charge of our own choices when it comes to building our own motivators--or our own barriers. We can assign all kinds of 'meaning' and importance to these constructs, but that doesn't make them any less self imposed.

 

I don't see the sense in assigning importance to an ex's behavior once they become an ex. We can take whatever pearls we've learned, and we can use those constructively to build confidence in our selection and handling of relationships in the future. Those who choose to damage themselves by their experiences or otherwise believe in a 'need' to cast a villain or a victim can do that if they want to--it's not against the law. It just misses an opportunity.

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