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Am I wrong to tell her too cut him off?


MagicMike128
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So let me get into the backstory of this:

 

Basically my girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months. She cheated on her ex with me (I thought they broke up but she told me she didn’t) and she’s cheated on her ex multiple times in the past before. Her ex was never good to her, has cheated on her in the past, never treated her right, never had anything going for him (didn’t work, wasn't in school)and she was the very attractive looking one in the relationship while he wasn’t. They also did date for 3 years. Anyways, currently my relationship is going very well, she treats me great, lets me see her phone if I want too (but I don’t), has introduced me too her entire family who really like me, and we absolutely love being around each other. She has told me every bad thing she has done in the past, she’s never hid anything about the fact she cheated on her bf multiple times and has said she’s learned from it and wouldn’t ever do it again. She has a family friend, let’s call him Sam. Sam and my girlfriend have been very close friends in the past, he’s helped her with her personal issues, and at one point she did really like him. She cheated on her ex with sam multiple times, such as sending him nudes, bra pics, grinding on him, cuddling with him in bed, and this has happened multiple times, not only once. They also did plan a vacation together while she was with her ex, and she told me that even though she would never him, she would be in the position too because he is super aggressive and of course if you are attracted to someone and you’re in the same bed, it’s gonna happen. But throughout it all, she has never had sex, or kissed him, ever. Anyways when she told me all of this I was super upset because till this day, they do talk a lot. She even at one point stated that he had a better body than me, but apologized for saying that. Of course I have zero right to control who she goes out with or talks too, but do I have a valid reason to tell her too stop talking to him? I’ve expressed many times that I don’t want her talking to him and how much it does hurt me and threaten me but she completely ignores my statement and changes the subject. We’ve fought over this a lot, and it does suck because Sam has said some pretty bad things about me and has literally told her to break up w me and go for him. She’s said that I have no right to tell her to stop talking to him because it’s “in her past” but it does suck because i’ve cut off any girl who’ve I have had history with in the past, even though she never asked me too. She said she wouldn’t ever hang out with sam or go on vacation with him because she knows it does bother me, but of course I don’t want her going out of her way to talk him and I honestly don’t really know how to bring this up. Am I being unreasonable?

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In her case: Once a cheater always a cheater!

 

She has no clue what a respectable romantic relationship looks like. She has no clue what a romantic relationship boundary is.

 

The only thing you're being "unreasonable" about is to your own self as you try to talk yourself into believing a word that comes out of her mouth.

 

She cheated on an exclusive, committed relationship to be with you... i'ts not wonder you can't trust her. She is, to her very core, an untrustworthy person.

 

You can tell her you don't want her talking to him or hanging out with him again but I doubt she'll listen to you. She never has respected anyone, including you thus far so she's not about to start now is my guess.

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I have the feeling she's stringing you along, until she can make up her mind about Sam. Or she's toying with Sam, who is probably infatuated with her, judging from what you said. Most likely Sam makes her feel desired. I think if I were you, I'd be bothered by Sam's arduous courtship, and I'd probably punch him in the face. On the other hand, how many people, who massage your girlfriend's ego, do you need to punch to get her to respect you? Also, could you name other things you and your girlfriend can't ever agree upon except for Sam? In the long run, those will affect your relationship. As far as Sam is concerned, if she spends more time with him than with you, you should cut your losses and move on. It doesn't matter if she stays faithful or not. She's building a relationship with him, not with you.

 

I had a relationship in which I was in Sam's place. I don't think anything I've ever done sucked more than that. At the time, I was googling "limerence" and other pseudo-scientific rubbish. Judging from my own experience, Sam might never never end up with her, but he might get to know a few more of her future boyfriends until she finally grows up and figures out what she wants.

 

What I want to point out is that what she's doing isn't fair to either you, or Sam. Sam had it coming, but you didn't.

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It would be best to get rid of her. First of all the TMI, then she gets around way too much while in relationships. She sounds like a headache and heartache you don't need. There are plenty of nice girls out there. Why deal with her bs?

 

Don't ask her to stop talking to him, just stop talking to her. She's nuts.

She cheated on her ex with sam multiple times, such as sending him nudes, bra pics, grinding on him, cuddling with him in bed, and this has happened multiple times, not only once.

She even at one point stated that he had a better body than me

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Why on earth are you being a doormat for this girl? She has no respect for the person she dates, she doesn't care to cross boundaries with other men when she is dating, she enjoys the attention of other men despite having a bf and then she blames it all on you.

 

Wow.

 

The bad thing is (as if there wasn't enough) you take it and think this is normal or that she is okay acting like this and treating you this way.

She is the one with the problem and she is the one who is causing problems.

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What I want to point out is that what she's doing isn't fair to either you, or Sam. Sam had it coming, but you didn't.

I disagree. Op got into this relationship knowing she was already in a relationship and he enabled her to cheat. I think what he's feeling now (talk about pseudo-scientific) is called Karma.
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I get it, you are hoping that she won’t cheat again, trying to look for the good. That’s cool I can respect you for that. But like others have said if she’ll cheat with you, she’ll cheat on you. End of story.

 

And I completely get that. The thing is that she's fessed up about all the bad things she's done and she does really regret them. She's treated me great, been my best friend, and has shows me a lot of love and affection. She hasn't hid one single thing from me since we dated and her last relationship was a huge mess, she didn't love the guy she was with but was too attatched too leave. I totally understand that once you cheat you can do it again, but Is it wrong for me too think that i'm different and as long as i treat her right she won't cheat?

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And I completely get that. The thing is that she's fessed up about all the bad things she's done and she does really regret them. She's treated me great, been my best friend, and has shows me a lot of love and affection. She hasn't hid one single thing from me since we dated and her last relationship was a huge mess, she didn't love the guy she was with but was too attatched too leave. I totally understand that once you cheat you can do it again, but Is it wrong for me too think that i'm different and as long as i treat her right she won't cheat?

 

It's not "wrong" for you to hope that, but it is naïve.

 

She's already walking the line with this Sam guy. Plus, she knows you're cool with cheating since you were the one she cheated on her ex with and you still wanted to be with her even after you found out.

 

Just don't be surprised when you find out she cheated on you too.

 

PS: People don't only cheat when they're being treated poorly or when they no longer love the guy but are attached. You can treat her like solid gold but if she wants to cheat, she will.

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What she does has nothing to do with you or "treating her right". You can't fix or rescue her. However since you love the novelty, drama and the challenge, you are going to try. What she does is her way of dealing with things. Using seductive behavior in various ways, for revenge, for attention, for fun, for attachment for filling voids.

 

So no matter what happens in your relationship, there will be a reason to cheat. It could be she's bored, or you didn't text back soon enough, or some guy paid attention to her or you disagreed with her. Remember cheating is her go-to coping style.

I totally understand that once you cheat you can do it again, but Is it wrong for me too think that i'm different and as long as i treat her right she won't cheat?
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So let me get into the backstory of this:

 

Basically my girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months. She cheated on her ex with me (I thought they broke up but she told me she didn’t) and she’s cheated on her ex multiple times in the past before.

 

Serial cheater.

 

she’s never hid anything about the fact she cheated on her bf multiple times and has said she’s learned from it and wouldn’t ever do it again.

 

She gets off on telling you this and she will do it again and enjoys your subservience.

 

Hint: You will be more attractive to her if you walk away and she is only allowed back strictly on your terms.

 

She has a family friend, let’s call him Sam. Sam and my girlfriend have been very close friends in the past, he’s helped her with her personal issues, and at one point she did really like him. She cheated on her ex with sam multiple times, such as sending him nudes, bra pics, grinding on him, cuddling with him in bed, and this has happened multiple times, not only once.

 

Serial cheater.

 

They also did plan a vacation together while she was with her ex, and she told me that even though she would never him, she would be in the position too because he is super aggressive and of course if you are attracted to someone and you’re in the same bed, it’s gonna happen.

 

Sounds like an excuse for doing it, despite the fact she volunteered herself into that bed where "its gonna happen".

 

 

But throughout it all, she has never had sex, or kissed him, ever.

 

I don't believe it.

 

 

She even at one point stated that he had a better body than me,

 

She needed to keep you in your place of subservience so she could carry on like she always has.

 

She’s said that I have no right to tell her to stop talking to him because it’s “in her past”

 

No, it isn't. By which I mean her attitude to sleeping around, isn't.

 

but it does suck

 

Absolutely. Why are you putting up with it? Where is your self respect?

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

No, and if she won't cut off X, Sam and anybody else you tell her too, walk away and don't look back.

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The thing is, Mike, you don't know what she is telling Sam. It could be the same line of bull she fed you. Telling him that she's not happy with you or that you don't satisfy her or she doesn't love you but feels the need to stay with you.

Meanwhile she is keeping him on the line and enjoying his attentions...much like how it was with you and her ex I should imagine.

 

This isn't anything new. People who do this have serious issues with being loyal and with being honest. They are incredibly selfish people who will do and say what they need to in order to have things the way they want it without regard to who they hurt or damage.

 

I think that's the part that, if anything, makes me feel bad for you and for all the others like you. You want to believe that you are different, that your 'romance' is different.

That your 'love' is so much more than the last person they cheated on with.

 

It's just not true.

 

No doubt you will be in a long line of men whom this woman plays. I know you don't want to hear that, much less believe that.

But it is an unfortunate truth.

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And I completely get that. The thing is that she's fessed up about all the bad things she's done and she does really regret them.
No, she does not. If she did then she would change this behaviour that leads her down the path that got you two together. Wake up, dude... she refuses to "cut him off."

 

She's treated me great, been my best friend, and has shows me a lot of love and affection.
So? That does not mean she isn't acting inappropriately and slipping down a slippery slope to either physically or emotionally cheating on you. Her behaviour is always what its always been with all the men she's cheated on.

 

She hasn't hid one single thing from me since we dated and her last relationship was a huge mess, she didn't love the guy she was with but was too attatched too leave.
Yes and how can you trust that she's not doing that same thing to you? People who are "too attached to leave" when they are in crappy relationships usually stay and cheat and they are codependent to the nth degree.

 

I totally understand that once you cheat you can do it again, but Is it wrong for me too think that i'm different and as long as i treat her right she won't cheat?

Yes it is naive and immature to think that someone who hasn't changed her behaviour is going to suddenly be faithful to you. Now, if she gave up the need to have attention from other men, didn't turn her piss-poor behaviour back on you (by calling you controlling and/or jealous) and had formed some romantic relationship boundaries... well, then yes you could possibly trust that your devotion to her would keep her faithful. Unfortunately, she hasn't changed the very behaviour that led to her cheating on her boyfriend with you.

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And I completely get that. The thing is that she's fessed up about all the bad things she's done and she does really regret them. She's treated me great, been my best friend, and has shows me a lot of love and affection. She hasn't hid one single thing from me since we dated and her last relationship was a huge mess, she didn't love the guy she was with but was too attatched too leave. I totally understand that once you cheat you can do it again, but Is it wrong for me too think that i'm different and as long as i treat her right she won't cheat?

 

You have it backwards. A respectable person won't cheat regardless of how you treat her, period. It's about integrity and not about how awful she says the ex was. Look, if she was a trust worthy person she'd simply break up with him instead of cheating on him when he wasn't how she wanted. And she began the relationship with you lying to you about being broken up to him. Your relationship began with lies.

 

As to this Sam guy a person who respects her boyfriend wouldn't be giving all this information and saying he has a better body than you and wouldn't keep on talking and close to a guy she was once sending nudes and trying to get in bed with while having a boyfriend.

 

If you're going to excuse all this and hope that she won't cheat on you, please don't act surprised when she does.

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