Jump to content

Lex00
 Share

Recommended Posts

I think I mentioned earlier that if a man were to check his app while out on a date with me, that would be a dealbreaker as well.

 

It's rude and disrespectful regardless of whether or not we have had sex or exclusive.

 

So we agree on that and no it's not too harsh imo.

 

But I think it was mentioned she is not 100% certain he had done that. Or did I miss where it was confirmed he did?

 

Anyway, my post was based on their discussion after she asked him about it, after they discussed.

 

Moving forward. To have faith and trust.

 

I mean what's the alternative?

 

Once you start going down that road, wherein you start doubting everything, it's pretty much done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 465
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Sorry K.

 

I wasn't countering anything you wrote previously.

 

Just my personal experience, that's all.

 

Oh I know, and I'm sorry too. Didn't mean to come off like I was invalidating that.

 

Just agreeing with you about checking while on a date and reiterating my thoughts about moving forward from here, that's all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My general feelings when it comes to all this stuff: no checking, no keeping tabs, ever. It seems childish and like the recipe for an awful relationship. The minute you go down that road, to me, is the minute everything is done. Doesn’t matter what you find; the instinct alone speaks to paranoia, and indulging it creates a paranoid dynamic.

 

Whether it's six minutes, six weeks, or 60 years, you just have to have faith, to say nothing of respecting the fact that that other person in your life is not a fully knowable quality, ever. Which is scary. Which is exciting. Ideally you’re dancing between those two poles forever, nervously at first, then with more ease and calm and comfort, though the nerves will of course flash here and there. It’s where the heat is, and the depth. Who wants to keep exploring the known, you know?

 

People aren’t perfect. Most of them lie a little bit—to us, to themselves—sometimes in the smallest of ways, sometimes by omitting, sometimes by accident. Whatever. You have to allow a touch of grace, have to find that trust within and understand that building trust with someone is a long, fun, complex, non-linear process.

 

Getting to the nitty gritty here. To my mind, the stress level people have about the dating apps, the meaning people project onto them, it's a bit misguided. Yeah, they can be toxic, can keep eyes wandering, players playing. But they can also be a fine place, especially early, to expel some jitters, give the brakes a needed tap. The idea that deleting them is some massive positive while occasionally scanning them is some massive negative—I just don't buy it.

 

I think of it like going to a party, meeting someone cool, flirting a bit, then going back home to your person. Your new person, your old person. Pretty harmless, not uncommon, sometimes even healthy. If my gf does that I don’t need a play by play—enjoy it, just come back to me, all good. If my gf needs that three days a week and is kind of meh around me—well, maybe we're not right for each other. If someone I'm with for only six weeks does that—well, I guess I just expect that. I don't mind being an "option," especially early. I know what I bring to the table, someone can choose to be into it or not, and I'll gauge my levels of excitement vs anxiety as we go about that little dance.

 

But all that? That's just me, and I've got a pretty high threshold for this stuff. I've been in bed with a woman I'm into, seen a few app notifications flash on her phone, and not really cared. Oh, time will tell what that means...

 

OP, this all sounds like it's causing you a lot of anxiety. Anxiety when he was still online, anxiety now that he's deleted the stuff, anxiety wondering IF he deleted it, or what he's REALLY thinking/feeling, anxiety that he may "ghost" you even though he just told you he was happy to have this chat. I'd be listening to that right now, that anxiety, to see if it ebbs. That's the real compass here, I think.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not about "online" - it's the same as if he was still, in real life, chatting up women and flirting with them in a non-harmless way, representing himself as single and available including when he was with her. We all have our boundaries about what is ok when you're exclusive with someone and it doesn't matter if it involves a dating app or real life. Like I wrote above for some couples flirting with other people is a turn on or no big deal and that's fine. For the OP, it wasn't ok that he was advertising himself as single and active on a dating app. For me it wouldn't be ok if my husband flirted with another woman but "came home to me" (as bluecastle wrote) - harmless flirting - fine (he wouldn't, not his thing, just saying hypothetically that people who are friendly sometimes come across as flirty, unintentionally). It's cool if it's fine for others. For the OP it likely would not be fine from all I've read.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dunno if I'd flirt with someone I meet at a party if I had a boyfriend lol...

 

I don't think flirting is cheating (mild flirting) but flirting is pretty disrespectful and isn't congruent with having a committed relationship.

 

I don't think it's cheating either -I agree with Honey.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would depend on how one defines "flirting," those lines can be blurry sometimes.

 

In many cases it's harmless -- chatting, laughing and the like.

 

Representing yourself as single when in an excusive RL?

 

That is much different and something I would not do nor feel comfortable with my bf doing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For the record, I wasn't describing flirting as an overt attempt at anything nefarious—just a little salt shake of fun and connection.

 

Everyone has different boundaries, for sure, and the subtext of this post seems to be the importance of them.

 

Wishing you the best, OP. Listen to that anxiety, see where you two go, open heart, clear eyes. Try to imagine this whole thing a few months from now, a year from now, if it gets there. You'd ideally be sitting around, calm where today you're a little jittery, mutually laughing about the whole online profile/app hiccup. So maybe inhabit that space a bit now, if that makes sense. That's kind of what I do when the spins take hold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know it's funny (interesting funny), and I may start a separate thread about this, but I am not even sure how I feel about "exclusivity" anymore.

 

It all just seems so contrived to me; I mean people are gonna do what they want to do, regardless imo.

 

So why agree to it at all? Like it's somehow supposed to give us a sense of security or something? Or somehow represent how a particular person feels about us? It really doesn't, not for me.

 

I just don't buy it anymore; I think I've said this before but my security comes from (1) within, and (2) the mutual connection (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) I am experiecing with whomever I am dating.

 

If he ever had a serious desire to pursue another woman, then there's the door. Regardless of whether we were officially "exclusive."

 

I feel the same about marriage, and have spoken about this. I feel more secure not being married for the simple reason, he's there because he has a desire to be there, from his heart; not because he is obligated to be there by virtue of a little piece of paper called a marriage license.

 

I dunno, I am really beginning to question the whole idea of it, exclusivity, marriage all of it. Which is why bluecastle's post resonated with me.

 

But I will start my own thread soon, once I gather my thoughts and think it through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would depend on how one defines "flirting," those lines can be blurry sometimes.

 

In many cases it's harmless -- chatting, laughing and the like.

 

Representing yourself as single when in an excusive RL?

 

That is much different and something I would not do nor feel comfortable with my bf doing.

 

I am not talking about harmless. I'm talking about similar to what her boyfriend is doing - going to a party, acting single (flirting heavily with other women, never mentioning girlfriend, or if so in a disdainful way), and seeing who checks him out, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know it's funny (interesting funny), and I may start a separate thread about this, but I am not even sure how I feel about "exclusivity" anymore.

 

It all just seems so contrived to me; I mean people are gonna do what they want to do, regardless imo.

 

So why agree to it at all? Like it's somehow supposed to give us a sense of security or something? Or somehow represent how a particular person feels about us? It really doesn't, not for me.

 

I just don't buy it anymore; I think I've said this before but my security comes from (1) within, and (2) the mutual connection (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) I am experiecing with whomever I am dating.

 

If he ever had a serious desire to pursue another woman, then there's the door. Regardless of whether we were officially "exclusive."

 

I feel the same about marriage, and have spoken about this. I feel more secure not being married for the simple reason, he's there because he has a desire to be there, from his heart; not because he is obligated to be there by virtue of a little piece of paper called a marriage license.

 

I dunno, I am really beginning to question the whole idea of it, exclusivity, marriage all of it. Which is why bluecastle's post resonated with me.

 

But I will start my own thread soon, once I gather my thoughts and think it through.

 

You are entitled in your own romantic life to call the shots, to have the boundaries you two agree on , etc. Of course there are no guarantees and marriage is not just a piece of paper to me nor would I have married a person who thought that. One of my friends did as it was a green card marriage.

 

How you feel about exclusivity only matters to the person you are with - you have to be on the same page. There are all sorts of arrangements out there.

 

 

I love the idea and practice -both!! - of committing to one person in marriage. There's no "obligation" - there's such a thing as divorce, after all, or separation, etc. If my husband had a serious desire to pursue another woman it would not be an automatic dealbreaker. If he acted on that desire I'm fairly certain it would be (can't think of it as anything but a dealbreaker). Marriage is a risk -it's being vulnerable to another person - and for me the benefits far outweighed the risk. Others feel differently and that is ok. It's not contrived at all. People make choices -you make the choice to commit and you're not going to "do what you're going to do" - if you commit and you're an honest person you will leave the relationship before doing what you're going to do, i.e. cheating.

 

Yes, our marriage vows represented in a very deep and very magical and very fun way too how much we meant and mean to each other. And sure it's partly security - I love the coziness of marriage and family - of feeling secure in our marriage, in our little family- and because we are married society knows that we are a couple and a family when we're with our child and I like that -it's not why I married but yes I like the institution of marriage and being a family with a married mom and dad. There are many other types of families. This is the type that works for me, that I always wanted.

 

And if our family changed because of heaven forbid death then I would have to adjust to that too. My security comes from within and our marital commitment is a representation of how we feel about each other. And our child feels secure as a result -he worries if we'll ever get "divided" (divorced) because he sees his friends parents getting divorced. He wants us to do a family hug if my husband I bicker. He knows that I'm not going to "do what I'm going to do" -that even if I am upset or frustrated or take time out from my child, I am not going to leave him or hurt him - even if it looks like I feel like I want to because I am angry. That's because humans don't just "do what they're going to do" -they consider their commitments and loyalties first if they value committments that is. So for the OP, his promise of exclusivity means if he is tempted he'll make a choice to stay instead. If he is that tempted he won't act on it without leaving her first. I don't want a cynical view of commitment as "just a piece of paper" and it is meaningless. I feel the opposite and I think the OP wants commitment too for some of the same reasons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not talking about harmless. I'm talking about similar to what her boyfriend is doing - going to a party, acting single (flirting heavily with other women, never mentioning girlfriend, or if so in a disdainful way), and seeing who checks him out, etc.

 

 

Oh I see. Prior to their convo today, I didn't think they were at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage; she admitted they never discussed exclusivity in any sort of serious way.

 

So not understanding this "acting single," he was single! They have only been dating six weeks, a mere month and a half. Non-exclusively.

 

So what was he misrepresenting exactly? On line, or out in real life?

 

And when was he talking about her in a "disdainful" way? Good gosh, it seems I missed a lot on this thread.

 

Anyway B, as always I respect your opinion, but as I said in my previous post, I am beginning to question the whole idea of it -- dating, relationships, exclusivity, commitment, I honestly don't know how I feel about any of it anymore.

 

Just my own personal thing B, I'll work it out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh I see; but prior to their convo today, I didn't think they were at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage; she admitted they never discussed exclusivity in any sort of serious way.

 

So not understanding this "acting single," he was single! They have only been dating six weeks, a mere month and a half. Non-exclusively.

 

So what was he misrepresenting exactly?

 

Anyway B, as always I respect your opinion, but as I said in my previous post, I am beginning to question the whole idea of it -- dating, relationships, exclusivity, commitment, I honestly don't know how I feel about it anymore.

 

Just my own personal thing B.

 

Once she described what he had said he told her he was still going to be on the dating app. What he lied about now is that he just didn't get around to deleting it and that it auto updated. They are single and he said he only wanted to date her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once she described what he had said he told her he was still going to be on the dating app. What he lied about now is that he just didn't get around to deleting it and that it auto updated. They are single and he said he only wanted to date her.

 

I am sorry B (sincerely), but try as I might I am just not understanding your thought process.

 

Not saying it's wrong, or that I even disagree, only that my mind frame is in a totally different place at the moment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry B (sincerely), but try as I might I am just not understanding your thought process.

 

Not saying it's wrong, or that I even disagree, only that my mind frame is in a totally different place at the moment.

 

It's not a thought process at all. I'm summarizing the lies he told her when she confronted him.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not a thought process at all. I'm summarizing the lies he told her when she confronted him.

 

That's fine that you don't consider your summarization your thought process. We all have our own way of defining things.

 

For me, and how it's typically defined is -- "the process of using your mind to consider something carefully."

 

But not here to debate semantics; my thought process is something bluecastle posted earlier.

 

 

People aren’t perfect. Most of them lie a little bit—to us, to themselves—sometimes in the smallest of ways, sometimes by omitting, sometimes by accident. Whatever. You have to allow a touch of grace, have to find that trust within and understand that building trust with someone is a long, fun, complex, non-linear process.

Edited by katrina1980
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. So booty call is ok but asking to be exclusive could make him ghost you? It sounds like you are not ready to date anyone because your negative self talk and complete the lack of self esteem will push the decent guys away.

 

No, they won't run because of deleting profiles or having the exclusive talk before sex. They will run because of whatever baggage you have regarding trust and communication. You are still going on and on about this app tracking, spying and roundabout ways to assess if someone is "into you". But can't and won't simply talk to them?

 

How long have you been divorced? Was it an abusive relationship? You seem to have a sad lack of self confidence.

The app does not auto update. It only updates when you open it. I think I will just have to take it that he said that to spare my feelings. But I believe should see how things go moving forward, and he claimed he has deleted it. Given he doesn’t ghost me after this.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. So booty call is ok but asking to be exclusive could make him ghost you? It sounds like you are not ready to date anyone because your negative self talk and complete the lack of self esteem will push the decent guys away.

 

No, they won't run because of deleting profiles or having the exclusive talk before sex. They will run because of whatever baggage you have regarding trust and communication. You are still going on and on about this app tracking, spying and roundabout ways to assess if someone is "into you". But can't and won't simply talk to them?

 

How long have you been divorced? Was it an abusive relationship? You seem to have a sad lack of self confidence.

 

I don't think dating someone and having sex is a "booty call" -it's simply dating.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What has he said or done to make you so fearful?

 

A dating relationship is supposed to be enjoyable. You seem fraught with fear and anxiety.

 

Has his response to you eased any of it? Or are you still sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for catastrophe to happen?

 

Still wondering about this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Still wondering about this.

 

I do feel better about it. I think it was just weighing heavily on me so getting it out was such a relief. The reason I was fearful was because he mentioned he ended relationships due to the women trying to move too quickly, and I just didn’t want to scare the guy away.

 

Things seem to be better... I thought he would ghost me after this, but he even reached out last night to see how I was doing. Nothing yet though on when or if he is still planning on seeing me in the next couple of days. I suppose I should wait to see if he mentions it and not ask if we are still are still going to see each other?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do feel better about it. I think it was just weighing heavily on me so getting it out was such a relief. The reason I was fearful was because he mentioned he ended relationships due to the women trying to move too quickly, and I just didn’t want to scare the guy away.

 

Things seem to be better... I thought he would ghost me after this, but he even reached out last night to see how I was doing. Nothing yet though on when or if he is still planning on seeing me in the next couple of days. I suppose I should wait to see if he mentions it and not ask if we are still are still going to see each other?

 

I would leave the ball in his court. He told you what he told you for an important reason. Give him space.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You’re still walking on egg shells around this guy and situation...And this is the preliminary stages of two people being somewhat together.

 

Why torture yourself? I don’t think you should be dating, u should be getting some therapy.

 

My ex was really well rounded and had a great job and was really attractive. When we started dating he was confident and playful...3 months done the line he started to really second guess himself and got really insecure. I became increasingly turned off then lost all interest. Don’t be that person that sits around worried and waiting on the guy to msg and acknowledge your existence. It’s really sad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do feel better about it. I think it was just weighing heavily on me so getting it out was such a relief.

 

The reason I was fearful was because he mentioned he ended relationships due to the women trying to move too quickly, and I just didn’t want to scare the guy away.

 

 

Did you ask him to define "move too quickly"? It could mean anywhere from three weeks, to three months to three years for all you know.

 

I've never been one who's afraid to ask the hard questions; I don't worry about scaring a man away. If anything I worry about myself coming across to elusive or evasive, so men welcome it when I ask them the hard questions. And most men like to be challenged on their bs anyway.

 

Men love strong women, a bit feisty, independent who aren't afraid/fearful of losing them.

 

Something to consider too, the mere act of being fearful and worrying about scaring him away, the vibe is sends, may be what actually scares him away (or turns him off). It's passive and reflects weakness and lack of confidence.

 

I dunno, don't mean to spin a negative, but I am not sensing a good vibe from this now, I hope I'm wrong.

 

Not necessarily because of him, but because of you and all the anxieties and insecurities you're carrying around.

 

Again, I hope I'm wrong and this works out for you the way you hope..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...