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Lex, there appears to be a bit of ambiguity with some posters re whether or not you previously discussed exclusivity and you both agreed to be.

 

Can you clarify? I'm a bit confused about that now as well.

 

Did you in fact previously discuss being exclusive and you mutually agreed to be?

 

But yet he still remains active on the app?

 

Edit: If there was no agreement to be exclusive, then the majority of my posts prior to this one are pretty much moot.

 

Because that is what the main issue was, from my perspective -- him agreeing to be exclusive but still remaining active on the app.

Edited by katrina1980
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We did not bring up exclusivity. It was actually quite vague. We were talking about friends who multidate and I told him I couldn’t do that, especially if I was already focused on someone else. He responded with “yeah, I’m the same way. I’m just too busy. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with seeing this girl one day... then that girl on another . It’s just too much. Plus I love my time with the kids, just being alone sometime and with you. That’s all I need, I’m not looking for anything else cause I’m perfectly content.” And he said something to the effect of “you... just my time with you... it’s amazing.” We didn’t straight up say we are exclusive, that was it. Then I asked him if he was still active on the site and he said no, he just used it to pass time on the toilet, etc... I don’t recall his exact words but I gathered from it that he was saying he still has it and looks but isn’t active on it because he claims he isn’t actually interacting with anyone on there. So perhaps he has an active profile but isn’t actively pursuing anyone? That was what I took from it.

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From what I gather you have both said you are not seeing other people. This to me does not meet you are committed to each other yet. His online profile still being active suggests to me he is keeping is options open, and because you are not committed he doesn’t see this as inappropriate. Should he decide to go on a date he can still justify it as lot cheating because you have not committed. I know this is not what you want to hear but I believe he is still looking for something better... he does not seem to be as into you as he appears on dates. Otherwise he wouldn’t need to look at other women. His excuse of being bored is BS (as others have stated). I have had relationships start online and generally when the guy is very interested he has said he is deleting his profile and has asked me if I’m willing to do the same. This has happened to me after only a few dates, so I do not think it is too soon for this conversation to happen.

 

Unfortunately he just seems to be keeping his options open, whilst still being able to see you and have sleep overs. He gets all the perks of being in a relationship, without having the title, so as not to feel guilty when looking/chatting with other women.

 

Personally I would bring this conversation up since it seems to be weighing on you heavily, and I would do so in person. This way you can gauge his reactions and see how he truly feels. Texting allows for him time to come up with a response which may not be genuine, and leaves much room for interpretation.

 

Don’t feel like you need to tip toe around him so as not to come across as needy or clingy. You are sleeping with him and have been seeing him for some weeks, and you deserve to know where you stand.

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Don't beg or plead about "what is he looking for" using roundabout talks. Also "talking on his break" is bad news. If you want exclusivity, yes you need to delete your profile. Then lead the conversation with that. Tell him you like being with him and have deleted your profile and wish to be exclusive. It's really that simple. It's odd you didn't mention it in person before drinks, sex and sleepovers this time. Do not mention that you are stalking his app logins. Cut to the chase and ask about being exclusive.

It might be a few days until I see him so I’m wondering if I can bring this up in a text. Perhaps it will give him the time to read it and see where I am coming from. Or ask him today if he can talk on the phone during his break?

 

And perhaps I should delete my profile. I can ask what he was looking for, if he’s looking to be in a relationship

Edited by Wiseman2
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It seems the guy is playing with the "technical terms", and I wonder if this is accidental. Because he never told you in the exat terms that you are "exclusive", but he did tell you that he is not interested in seeing other people, because he is content with what ha has. He never used the word "exclusive" though, which gives him a pass to turn around if you act disappointed with his use of the dating site, and tell you "hey, I never told you we're exclusive". He is speaking from both ends of his mouth.

 

As i've suggested in a previous post, I'd just prepare for him the guest bedroom and let him inquire about the reason you would choose to not sleep in one bed. Then you could simply say that that you do not share bed with men perusing dating websites, including while being on a date with you. I wish I could see the expression on his face, it would be priceless :) and before he recovered from the surprise honesty, you could suggest (with your sweetest voice) that perhaps you both could take an hiv test, as you are responsible for your own and other people's health.

 

But again, you can only do this scenario from a place of strength, and be sure you are able to exercise your "walk away" power.

 

Lex, if you ask yourself the question what is a bigger loss for you-your self-respect and taking risks with your health/pregnancy; or just losing a guy that you know for 6 weeks that provides some companionship and pleasures of the flesh, but also gives you a lot of anxiety; which one is the bigger loss for you?

Edited by East4
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We did not bring up exclusivity. It was actually quite vague. We were talking about friends who multidate and I told him I couldn’t do that, especially if I was already focused on someone else. He responded with “yeah, I’m the same way. I’m just too busy. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with seeing this girl one day... then that girl on another . It’s just too much. Plus I love my time with the kids, just being alone sometime and with you. That’s all I need, I’m not looking for anything else cause I’m perfectly content.” And he said something to the effect of “you... just my time with you... it’s amazing.” We didn’t straight up say we are exclusive, that was it. Then I asked him if he was still active on the site and he said no, he just used it to pass time on the toilet, etc... I don’t recall his exact words but I gathered from it that he was saying he still has it and looks but isn’t active on it because he claims he isn’t actually interacting with anyone on there. So perhaps he has an active profile but isn’t actively pursuing anyone? That was what I took from it.

 

Yes. So what you agreed to -by you being silent -is that it's ok for him to surf the dating site to pass the time because that is his site of choice when he has some me-time, apparently. First of all I don't believe him - I don't think anyone goes on dating sites that often just to "pass the time" - social media, sure, news sites, gossip news sites, like that -sure - but if you're going on a dating site where you are advertising yourself as single you're curious to see who has viewed you and if you have any messages. Even if you are not interested in dating anyone else because "you don't have the time" you're keeping your options open in case one of those times someone knocks your socks off. and of course he might be messaging people or winking at them or whatever -flirting -because you didn't object to him having an active profile. And that's fine if you're fine with it. And then you don't get to put time limits on it or check up on him And these are real people (well other than fake profiles but he doesn't know) -it's not him checking out photos of hot models or celebrities - he could meet these people - just like the men who sent my friend messages on a dating site "I'm seeing someone right now -can I save your info if things don't work out?" (gross I know).

 

It might be 100% true that he has no time to date anyone other than you and so has no intention of meeting any of these women. But -hmmmm - so if you go out of town to visit friends or family or on business or if you have a nasty cold and are not available for a week - well then he has a number of backups to choose from, at the ready. Won't you wonder what he's doing and if he now has "time"? It's like Sex and The City when Samantha runs up multiple flights of stairs certain that Richard, a player, is cheating on her right the - and she bursts in the room and he is..... alone. And she is out of breath and realizes she cannot live this way anymore worrying about who he is with (since they're not totally exclusive). How strong is your stomach or how much do you want to do what he is doing and keep your options open too?

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Ok, so your original post said this, Lex:

 

"Last weekend, I finally told him I enjoy him so much I don’t want to see others, and he said the same, that he enjoys his kids, his alone time, and being with me and he’s not looking for anything else as he is extremely content. I also mentioned the dating site we met through and asked if he was still active on it. He said no- even though he is still on it- and said he doesn’t interact or message anyone on there really. He basically just looks. After I opened up, I noticed he did a little too. He started showing me pictures of his parents and extended family. Then upon kissing me goodbye, he invited me to a game this weekend which would be the first time I would be introduced to his friends. Sounds interested right?".

 

The way I interpreted this conversation between you two was that, although you did not officially discuss 'exclusivity', you told him that you didn't want to see anyone else, and he agreed and felt the same. He also informed you that he was only using the site to browse when bored/in the washroom (whatever this means).

 

If a man said this to me, I would take it that he wasn't seeing anyone else. But yeah, seeing a man that said this to me online would make me realize that we should have a discussion and ensure we're on the same page.

 

Hence why I did not see any issue with you having the exclusivity chat with him to clear up any uncertainty regarding your relationship and the possibility of removing your profiles from the dating site.

 

Maybe he'll agree that dating exclusively and removing your profiles is a great idea. At the same time, there's always the possibility he's not ready for this step, which is fine. However, if he isn't ready, I think it's important that the two of you discuss your relationship regardless and your intentions with each other moving forward because I think it's the fair thing to do when dating someone; especially if you're being intimate with each other. I wouldn't want be having sex with someone who had multiple partners (but that's just me).

 

There seems to be some confusion about your relationship (as least on your part), so you shouldn't fear or be scared of having a conversation with someone like this who you're dating, imo.

 

Last note, just because someone isn't ready for exclusivity does not mean that the relationship should end, and if he tries to end it because you wanted to discuss these things with him, good riddance to him.

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It was eating away at me. I had to send him a text and I wanted to do that so he can take the time to read it and think, as I don’t know when I’ll see him this week. He said he’s not seeing anyone else and it not looking to date others but just hadn’t gotten around to deleting it. Then a couple more exchanges, he said he deleted it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t but I will just have to trust him. I didn’t even ask him to. He said he was happy I brought it up though.

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It was eating away at me. I had to send him a text and I wanted to do that so he can take the time to read it and think, as I don’t know when I’ll see him this week. He said he’s not seeing anyone else and it not looking to date others but just hadn’t gotten around to deleting it. Then a couple more exchanges, he said he deleted it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t but I will just have to trust him. I didn’t even ask him to. He said he was happy I brought it up though.

 

Awesome! Good for you, Lex!

 

Wow, that was super easy and simple. Lol.

 

Didn't see that (the simplicity of it all) coming.

 

I love the outcome of this thread. A happy ending! :)

Edited by milly007
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It was eating away at me. I had to send him a text and I wanted to do that so he can take the time to read it and think, as I don’t know when I’ll see him this week. He said he’s not seeing anyone else and it not looking to date others but just hadn’t gotten around to deleting it. Then a couple more exchanges, he said he deleted it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t but I will just have to trust him. I didn’t even ask him to. He said he was happy I brought it up though.

 

Looks like things are developing in a good way, and he appreciated your sincerity! :)

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It was eating away at me. I had to send him a text and I wanted to do that so he can take the time to read it and think, as I don’t know when I’ll see him this week. He said he’s not seeing anyone else and it not looking to date others but just hadn’t gotten around to deleting it. Then a couple more exchanges, he said he deleted it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t but I will just have to trust him. I didn’t even ask him to. He said he was happy I brought it up though.

 

I posted this a few pages back, but a good friend of mine (who is madly in love with her new boyfriend) kept hers active for awhile too for same reason. She may have logged in occasionally "to look" out of curiosity but it was nothing more than that. She deleted hers too eventually.

 

Also I had mistakenly assumed throughout the latter part of this thread that you had previously discussed exclusivity, MY bad for assuming, I should know better.

 

So most of my posts can pretty much be disregarded since that was my issue, that he had agreed to be exclusive but was still active on the app. Which after your clarification that you had NOT discussed, is moot.

 

I am super happy for you Lex and fingers crossed things continue to go well!

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Excellent. See how easy that was? When you stand for your values, people respect you...and it's confident and that's attractive.

He said he’s not seeing anyone else and it not looking to date others but just hadn’t gotten around to deleting it. Then a couple more exchanges, he said he deleted it. I didn’t even ask him to. He said he was happy I brought it up though.
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Gonna have to disagree with Bayta -- do NOT check. Trust in your connection and what he shares with you is true.

 

If there is even a spec of doubt about that, then stop dating him, you shouldn't be dating a man you don't trust to tell you the truth, at the very least!

 

Really bad idea to start in with that c*** imo, checking apps, next you'll be checking his phone, FB and godonlyknows what else.

 

Enjoy your RL, enjoy each other, and let this play out with faith and TRUST.

 

You'll be much happier, feel much more secure, and in turn HE will sense that and will want to move closer to you (emotionally).

 

JMO.

Edited by katrina1980
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Thank you all so much. It wasn’t very easy texting all that, but I figured what do I have to lose? It was killing me inside, I was turning into a complete nut just driving myself crazy. He lied saying that app automatically updated every so often, because it doesn’t. I think maybe he felt bad that I saw it. But I have to trust he in fact, did delete it. He didn’t have to tell me that but he did.

 

No I just have to see if this gave him second thoughts and/or scared him away. Like I said I’m supposed to see him this week, probably middle of the week. So if he doesn’t reach out, I’ll know he wants nothing to do with me and was probably put off by what I said. And in that case, better that will happen anyway because I just want to be with someone who I can feel confident talking to and sharing my feelings with. Crossing my fingers he won’t ghost me after this.

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T He lied saying that app automatically updated every so often, because it doesn’t.

 

I am glad you spoke up and that you cared enough about yourself to believe you deserved to know where you stood before you invested anymore into this guy.

 

^^^ But this. Are you o.k. with this lame lie? As if you didn't know better?

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You're still anxious as and that's not healthy. You should be with someone you feel comfortable expressing your thoughts with and not have to feel so uneasy with. He lied. Sigh you are gonna continue to feel this way.

 

This is why in this situation I think she should check. He didn't just not get around to deleting it. He wanted it to remain on his phone and he wanted to be active on it on a regular basis. I understand why he lied, of course but since he did I think she should check, for now. I wouldn't trust in the "connection" built over 6 minutes i mean 6 weeks because it wasn't strong enough, yet, for him to stop looking for other women to flatter him, stroke his ego, be potential backups to date when he finds the time. I'm not sure I would continue dating him since he did lie about "not getting around" BUT since he was honest with her that he was still checking messages to "pass the time" I'll cut him slack.

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He lied saying that app automatically updated every so often, because it doesn’t. I think maybe he felt bad that I saw it. But I have to trust he in fact, did delete it. He didn’t have to tell me that but he did.

 

 

Are you 100% sure about that? I am not active on apps and admit there are things I don't know, but I recall reading (can't recall where) that Bumble (for example) does auto update and that has caused some problems for people.

 

A friend of mine in Canada experienced this with her then new boyfriend, and she researched it and discovered it can auto update.

 

JMO but give him the benefit of doubt and move forward with faith, trust and a happy positive attitude.

 

This will serve you much better than continuing to feel doubtful, insecure, anxious, and whatever other negative feelings are whirling around inside you.

 

As others have said, dating (especially someone you have a strong connection with) should be fun!

 

This does not sound like fun at all.

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Are you 100% sure about that? I am not active on apps and admit there are things I don't know, but I recall reading that Bumble (for example) does auto update and that has caused some problems for people.

 

A friend of mine in Canada experienced this with her then new boyfriend, and she researched it and discovered it can auto update.

 

I wonder which one it is then. Does he do his bathroom check or does it auto update? Or both.

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I wonder which one it is then. Does he do his bathroom check or does it auto update? Or both.

 

I don't know does it matter? That was then, this is now.

 

Isn't what matters now (moving forward) that he has told her he's not dating anyone else, has no desire to date anyone else, and has deleted the app?

 

Why not have faith and trust in that -- that he's being truthful?

 

If she (or any woman) is unable to do that, then she has no business dating him in the first place.

 

I know that if I doubted that, such that I need to check the app or continue to question, I would just stop dating him.

 

As I said, no sense in continuing to date a man you can't trust to tell you the truth, when asked..

Edited by katrina1980
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The app does not auto update. It only updates when you open it. I think I will just have to take it that he said that to spare my feelings. But I believe should see how things go moving forward, and he claimed he has deleted it. Given he doesn’t ghost me after this.

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I dated someone off and on casually and it never really went anywhere. I figured him a player and didn't want to waste my time. I was getting ready for what was our last date and right before I was leaving to meet him, he was on line. I called him and told him the date was off.

 

I had one guy check his dating app while on a date with me once.

That was the last time I ever went out with him.

 

We weren't committed, exclusive or ____fill in the blank. I hadn't slept with these guys for that matter.

 

Call me harsh, but it is my deal breaker.

 

Seriously, it's not much different then checking out or communicating with other women in the same room while at the same time on a date with you. I just don't do that to my dates and I prefer the same minimal decency.

 

If not, that's o.k. I am just not the right girl for you.

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