Is he just not into me after all?

[East4]

Considering all elements together-dating profile up, no comms between dates, I'd say that you are a convenience for this guy. Do not take me wrong, I think he was honest in telling you that he does not see other people, but it is because he is busy and you satisfy his needs for now, not that he is committed to you. Most probably he is compartmentalising his life- certain number of time units for work, certain number units for his children, certain number units for you, certain number time units for himself. This is why he would not have lunch with you while he works, it is not your time frame. When he is not with you and does other things, he most probably does not think of you. In comparison he seems to permeate all of your daily routine, and this is because you have developed attachment to him through physical intimacy.

 

I wouldn’t talk to him about exclusivity at all. But would certainly quit contacting him first and see if he makes an effort. He did in the beginning, now he already has you, so why bother texting you? I would also stop sleeping with him and let him bring the question why. Then you tell him that you feel uncomfortable sleeping with him, while he is still on a dating site, and that you would like to scale back on the physical intimacy. You decide what to do with your body. And then see if he sticks around…

 

From experience, I do think men understand much better the language of action, than the language of words. Men very well understand consequences too :-)

also, by bringing the exclusivity subject, you are becoming the bidder, i.e. the one who needs something from him (else you would not have brought the subject up); by not saying anything, but ACTING a change, you are putting him in the bidder role, forcing him to ask questions, needing an answer from you.

 

So next time he comes for a sleep over, you prepare for him a bed in the guest room; or if you go to his for a sleepover you ask to sleep in the guest room :-)

Of course to do this, it takes serious cojones, so you'll have to man up!

[Andrina]

Do you really want to ask to be exclusive with him right now when he doesn't meet your wishes for communication? See how Saturday plays out, and perhaps the next four weeks. It's very little time in the scheme of things. If he's not who your ideal bf is, just tell him it's not working for you.

[Lex00]

Ok, I really need to have some answers. I feel like I just need to ask him straight away if there was something I did and/or what changed because I feel like he’s pulling away... not in those exact words but it’s bothering me so much and I just feel like he should just be an adult and tell me. Can’t I just ask him this evening, it’s a valid concern?

[Batya33]

Ok, I really need to have some answers. I feel like I just need to ask him straight away if there was something I did and/or what changed because I feel like he’s pulling away... not in those exact words but it’s bothering me so much and I just feel like he should just be an adult and tell me. Can’t I just ask him this evening, it’s a valid concern?

 

No. It's subjecting him to your own insecurities. Simply ask him - what are your intentions about us? If he is into you and sees potential he will be thrilled to tell you.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't advise asking him anything while he's pulling away. It will push him further away.

 

As Batya said, you are only asking him to soothe your own anxieties. Not a good reason to be asking.

 

Let him pull away, you do your own thing, live your life. Do not contact.

 

If/when he returns, talk to him then.

 

Read John Gray -- he's caving. Let him cave. It could make or break your RL.

 

And re-read my earlier post about some men needing space/distance.

 

Seriously, if you start "hassling" him now about exclusivity or his intentions (which is how he will interpret it), you risk losing him altogether.

 

Again, if/when returns, he will be more open to talking, and you can talk to him then.

[reinventmyself]

You have a date tomorrow. Though he's being quiet, unless otherwise informed consider the date still on.

Have this conversation in person, not over the phone, not when you are feeling anxious and do not text.

 

I have always found it best in these situations not ask questions, but speak from a place of confidence about what you can and can not do. You are merely sharing your values.

 

I was in a similar situation once and I told my friend that I had made a mistake. That I had no regrets having spent time with him and having sex, but I have always been and still am, a person who prefers an agreement of some exclusivity when I am sexual with someone.

I am just hard wired this way. I was hoping I could do it differently, but I was mistaken.

 

I would tell him I would enjoy getting to know him but I'd rather table the physical intimacy until which time we both find ourselves on the same page. Whatever that may be. I also throw in that I respect and support where ever he is at, dating wise, but this is how I operate.

 

See, you aren't asking him for anything, you aren't putting him on the spot or creating a situation where he feels defensive.

You are merely honoring who you are and taking care of yourself.

 

If you find that, based on his response that you two are on the same page, I'd tell him that you would prefer to not sleep with anyone who has an active profile that they are logging onto. It's o.k., if he still is, but tell him you'd rather opt out. No hard feelings.

 

My friend I speak of had just gotten out of a relationship and told me he wasn't ready for another. That combined with other messy details of personal life and employment I believed him. It was an honest, healthy exchange and though he said he really regretted losing me, he understood.

 

What prompted me to talk to him was that when he left my house late one night, he logged onto his profile So I get how that feels and I knew in that moment what I needed to do.

 

We actually hung out as friends a couple times and all in all, even though it didn't work out it was a positive experience.

I still hold him in high regard and I don't doubt he feels the same way towards me. He's a good guy.

I am glad I spoke up because I could feel myself getting attached. I caught it just in time.

 

Now I practice having this conversation before I have sex with someone, not after.

 

Came back to say, I agree with the others. The fastest way to find out his level of interest is to stop doing all the heavy lifting.

[katrina1980]

Wise words from reinvent re the "talk."

 

I didn't realize you had a date tomorrow night, my bad.

 

Yeah, talk to him tomorrow night, as per what reinvent suggested, from a place of strength and confidence, not anxiety and needing reassurance.

[reinventmyself]

Last weekend, I finally told him I enjoy him so much I don’t want to see others, and he said the same, that he enjoys his kids, his alone time, and being with me and he’s not looking for anything else as he is extremely content.

 

I had to go back reread some of your info. 6 weeks in and this was a good conversation. 50 miles and children between you and given the fact that he came right out and told you he likes his alone time. You see each other 1 to 2 times a week and every other weekend.

You seriously need to consider, what you see is what you get.

Outside of him initiating contact, I don't see where you can ask anything more of this man.

 

By the sounds of it, by you doing all the initiating, he hasn't had the opportunity.

I say, cool your anxieties. Stop contacting him and get busy with your life. See what happens and trust yourself that you can handle it.

 

You've covered exclusivity in a vague sorta way. . .but I would wait until things seem a little more solid at this point, allow him the opportunity to step up a little more and then approach him about the dating profile.

 

Until then manage your expectations and don't get attached. Besides, he is not your boyfriend or your husband.

You can't put preconceived expectations on how often he ought to contact you.

 

The horse is already out of the barn, it's kinda hard to put it back now.

[Lex00]

Well an update- He was in the office and sent me a quick text saying he was there. Then another saying I was looking nice cause I passed by him but we really couldn’t interact. That was all I got, no mention of tomorrow.

 

I finally texted him asking how his day was going and what his plans were tonight. As I mentioned before, we both don’t have our kids tonight and every Friday that we don’t have our kids, I have been invited to his house. He said he was just going to watch his kids game then head home. Asked my plans and told him I wasn’t sure and didn’t have any yet. He basically just said he hopes I have fun tonight. Then I asked if we were still on for tomorrow as I hadn’t heard anything about it. He said yes but probably may “skip his friends game altogether”. This was the game he invited me to, and I was finally going to meet his friends. So I asked him “Oh you’re not going there now?” And he then said if he does, then it would be very quick, he would just “stop by on his way to my house”.

 

So yeah, not looking good because now I’ve been uninvited to the game and he didn’t ask me anything about tonight.

[reinventmyself]

uuuuhhhhmmm. .. I cringed when I read what you wrote.

 

You pinned him down about his plans tonight. Why couldn't you have just left it alone? Especially in light of a date tomorrow. You are just dating him, right?

 

You don't have plans tonight? Why not? Believe me when I tell you that when you said this, he knew you were fishing for him to ask to see you. That sort of passiveness is unattractive. What's attractive to a man is a woman with confidence and a full and interesting life of her own.

 

You pinned him down about tomorrow. He's still seeing you but shifted the plans. Good or bad. . . I don't know, but what does seem apparent is your anxiety. And I promise you he senses it.

 

He decided against the game, opted to stop by on his way to be ~ WITH YOU and all you can hear is doom.

Like I said in a previous post, he's not your boyfriend. He is some dude you are dating. He doesn't owe you his Friday night too.

 

You need to find a way to get a handle on this.

It's like growing a vegetable, you water it and let it grow naturally. If you keep lifting up the soil, turning it over and worrying it to death, you are likely to kill it.

[East4]

So yeah, not looking good because now I’ve been uninvited to the game and he didn’t ask me anything about tonight.

 

Wondering if bbogdanov has been writing this thread under alias and in skirt

[Lex00]

No, I didnt pin him down about plan for tonight. I just simply asked what his plans were and left it at that. I didn’t ask him to do anything.

 

And about tomorrow, the only reason I asked if he was not planning on going to the game after all was because I was originally going to go with him, then we were going straight to a sports bar afterwards to watch another and both events sort of overlapped. I was just trying to get a sense of whether or not we would make it to watch the second one in time if he was going to still go to the first one 25 miles away. Like if he had said he would skip that first one altogether, we would have enough time to get a seat at the place cause it gets very crowded for the event.

[reinventmyself]

No, I didnt pin him down about plan for tonight. I just simply asked what his plans were and left it at that. I didn’t ask him to do anything.

 

And about tomorrow, the only reason I asked if he was not planning on going to the game after all was because I was originally going to go with him, then we were going straight to a sports bar afterwards to watch another and both events sort of overlapped. I was just trying to get a sense of whether or not we would make it to watch the second one in time if he was going to still go to the first one 25 miles away. Like if he had said he would skip that first one altogether, we would have enough time to get a seat at the place cause it gets very crowded for the event.

 

You pinned him down about his plans. You also commented (to us) your concern about him not asking to see you tonight.

 

So the point is you were fishing and he probably could tell.

 

And if you were honest with yourself all the details and logistics about tomorrow is just another attempt at easing your anxiety.

 

You did have the option to say nothing and allow him to step up and contribute to this. After all, that's what your concern is isn't it?

 

Don't you see you don't even allow him the opportunity?

But if you want to defend it, then I don't know what else I can say.

[katrina1980]

Lex, I wholeheartedly agree with reinvent. You are behaving as if you and this man are, and have been, in a long term relationship.

 

You are dating and not very long at that, six weeks, huge difference.

 

Yes I cringed too, you are pushing.

 

If that's your thing fine; I have found in these very early stages, best to not push, let him lead.

 

If you don't get a grip on our anxiety, you're gonna push him right out the door.

[ThatwasThen]

This is a great point and I had already thought

of that. I certainly don’t want to put him on the spot and make him feel obligated just to make me happy.

If he is really caring for you, then he will want to make you happy and it would NOT be an "obligation." Compromise is the word of the day here. Something you both should be willing to do without feeling the least bit obligated to do so but wanting to make sure you're happy and so is he.

 

Try to relax and view your time with him as "you are dating." Its only been six weeks of every other weekend. That's not much time at all. You need to step back, reign in your emotions and enjoy when you are with him without all the noise going on in your head when you're not.

 

Not easy to do but you're going to end up shredding your own heart if you don't learn to relax and enjoy and observe rather than react.

[Lex00]

Thanks everyone. Yes I see how my message could’ve been cringeworthy but too late now. I hope it didn’t come across that way to him. Looks like we still do have plans tomorrow but I will take the advice to just back off from now on. At least I’ll know my answer if I never hear from him again.

 

I tell you though, it will be difficult being around him tomorrow with all the crazy things going on in my head. Yes I’m anxious, yes I’m eager, but I know I’m not just conjuring up these thoughts from nothing. This week truly has been different though that he seems to be pulling away. Last weekend was great and nothing odd has transpired since then and that is why I am confused. Because the communication wasn’t always great anyway, but now he seems to be avoidant. I have not suffocated him- texted him once Monday then another time Wednesday. He is the first one to texted me today just to tell me he’s around. So I thought that was an opening so I could then ask him about tonight and tomorrow.

[katrina1980]

Lex, jmo as always, and I acknowledge my thinking doesn't always coincide with others on this forum, but in my experiences, in both long and short term relationships, a bit of push/pull in these early stages is normal and nothing to get overly concerned about.

 

I am sorry to keep harping on this but seriously read John Gray, and how men move towards relationships and falling in love. They come forward, then step back then forward again, rinse repeat. Perhaps not all men, there is no "one size fits all," but many. He sounds like one of them!

 

This has happened in literally all my relationships. I don't freak out because I have faith and trust in our "connection," so I roll with these changing nuances. Remaining open and flexible is so important.

 

I know many women insist on "consistency" but I have never experienced that, at least not in these very early stages which is OKAY. I don't take it personally, I understand it!

 

So what if he's pulled back a little this week from last week? Maybe he's needing a bit of a breather, to catch his breath and decide what his next move will be, where he wants things to go. There is nothing wrong with that!

 

Why do you assume the worst? Do you not have faith and trust in the connection you have established? If not, why not? Do you not connect when together, do you feel something is missing in that regard?

 

I am just not getting all this pessimism and negativity, he sent you two texts today, the second telling you how nice you looked! And confirmed tomorrow.

 

I would have been over the moon with that, and made my own plans for tonight and said looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night! With enthusiasm.

 

That type of attitude will pull him "toward" you.

 

Questioning his plans, pushing for answers or for more texts or time spent will push him away from you.

[Lex00]

Lex, jmo as always, and I acknowledge my thinking doesn't always coincide with others on this forum, but in my experiences, in both long and short term relationships, a bit of push/pull in these early stages is normal and nothing to get overly concerned about.

 

I am sorry to keep harping on this but seriously read John Gray, and how men move towards relationships and falling in love. They come forward, then step back then forward again, rinse repeat. Perhaps not all men, there is no "one size fits all," but many. He sounds like one of them!

 

This has happened in literally all my relationships. I don't freak out because I have faith and trust in our "connection," so I roll with these changing nuances. Remaining open and flexible is so important.

 

I know many women insist on "consistency" but I have never experienced that, at least not in these very early stages which is OKAY. I don't take it personally, I understand it!

 

So what if he's pulled back a little this week from last week? Maybe he's needing a bit of a breather, to catch his breath and decide what his next move will be, where he wants things to go. There is nothing wrong with that!

 

Why do you assume the worst? Do you not have faith and trust in the connection you have established? If not, why not? Do you not connect when together, do you feel something is missing in that regard?

 

I am just not getting all this pessimism and negativity, he sent you two texts today, the second telling you how nice you looked! And confirmed tomorrow.

 

I would have been over the moon with that, and made my own plans for tonight and said looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night! With enthusiasm.

 

That type of attitude will pull him "toward" you.

 

Questioning his plans, pushing for answers or for more texts or time spent will push him away from you.

 

I guess I assume the worst because honestly, is there anything good that would cause him to pull away? It can only be bad- he’s getting tired of me, he was using me out of convenience and has already had enough, he met someone better... Him acting this way doesn’t exactly make me feel wanted.

 

And it wasn’t always like this. Just a couple of weeks ago he was texting me with sort of a countdown- “two more days ;)” “Can’t wait to hold you, I love waking up to you.” Then the following week when he couldn’t see me in the evening, he made it a point to ask me to lunch so that shows he wanted to see me regardless.

 

I haven’t gotten that lately. No sweet texts, they’re quite robotic as a matter of fact. And he avoided me all week even though he told me at the beginning of the week he would let me know once he knew his schedule. And not to mention, uninvited me to the first game tomorrow.

 

I did look into John Gray- Thank you so much- From what I gather, yes it does sound like he’s “caving” or starting to make his disappearance. And what you said about me letting him be and just reply to him with enthusiasm, I’ve been doing just that this whole time. Even if I’m feeling insecure or anxious inside, he gets nothing but nice, enthusiastic texts. This was the first time I sent him something and mentioned I hope I was not bothering much with my texts, just wanted to confirm tomorrow’s plans... Up until today, I had never questioned him in a text or in person, ever. Only because of the shift this week. Guess only time will tell if he comes out of that cave. Like I said, after tomorrow, I will certainly back off, to give him his space and maybe make him feel better that my name isn’t popping up on his phone every couple of days.

[katrina1980]

Just out of curiosity, were you this anxious and insecure in the early stages of your previous relationships?

 

How did they start? How long did they last?

 

And I keep asking you this, but you have yet to answer - do you trust the connection you have with this man? In person?

 

If so, then focus on that trust, and your connection, and let go of all the other noise that you are only hearing due to your own issues of insecurity.

 

Him needing some *space* does not mean he's getting tired of you, it's the natural cycle some men experience while moving closer to a woman.

 

This has been true is all my relationships, including my current.

 

Again, have faith and trust in your connection, and let him move towards you at a pace that is comfortable for him.

 

If you are not able to do that, if it causes you too much anxiety, then walk away and look for another man who shares your need for more contact in between dates and more togetherness.

 

Dating should be fun! Not filled with all the anxiety and angst you are experiencing.

 

That doesn't sound fun at all, it sounds horrible.

[reinventmyself]

You need to know that no matter how hard you try to be that cool and confident woman on the outside, the real anxious insecure person will leak out between the cracks, as proven in your last communication with him.

 

Dont lie toyourself thinking he can't see it. That may be why he's pulling away.

 

You do have an opportunity to salvage this, but you'll have to dig deep and practice living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is. . today.

 

My advise for you going forward is to not be sexual with someone until you know their intentions. It will alleviate alot of this anxiety you're experiencing.

 

I understand how it feels when you are feeling an attachment to someone when there is still so much unknown. It's can be a very vulnerable position to be in. Just dont put yourself in it next time.

 

Shake this off, enjoy your date, live in the moment and have fun.

After all dating is supposed to be fun, remember?

[Lex00]

Sorry Katrina I missed your question last time. Yes, I absolutely trust our connection. It’s amazing when we’re together, we loves the same things and have even found out we had crossed paths a few times years back. But the moment he leaves, I get anxious because he goes AWOL.

 

I’ve never been this bad, but then again, I do t have much to compare to as I was with my ex husband for 15 years. Been divorced 3 years now but have only dated a few that never got serious because I simply did not want relationships with these men. I never had real connections with them so I was not too bothered when things ended. This guy is the first one I truly enjoy being with, and can see myself in a real relationship with. So I guess this anxiety also stems from me not feeling this way in many years about anyone so I’ve almost “forgotten” how to act or deal with things that would otherwise appear as no big deal to others.

 

I really appreciate your insight, very very helpful and I’m beginning to understand more and be more accepting of what’s happening at the moment. Thank you so much.

[Lex00]

You need to know that no matter how hard you try to be that cool and confident woman on the outside, the real anxious insecure person will leak out between the cracks, as proven in your last communication with him.

 

Dont lie toyourself thinking he can't see it. That may be why he's pulling away.

 

You do have an opportunity to salvage this, but you'll have to dig deep and practice living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is. . today.

 

My advise for you going forward is to not be sexual with someone until you know their intentions. It will alleviate alot of this anxiety you're experiencing.

 

I understand how it feels when you are feeling an attachment to someone when there is still so much unknown. It's can be a very vulnerable position to be in. Just dont put yourself in it next time.

 

Shake this off, enjoy your date, live in the moment and have fun.

After all dating is supposed to be fun, remember?

 

Certainly. I wish I knew this all before becoming so involved with him. As stated above, I was with my ex husband for 15 years so I’m a bit rusty. And having that conversation with this one, maybe just asking from the get go what he was looking for, whether it be a relationship or just something casual, would’ve been a good idea. Just so I know what to expect. But then again, even casual relationships can turn into more serious ones. I will do just that... have fun. And just try to relax a bit. Thank you for the great advice :)

[Lex00]

And to add, it doesn’t feel too good when my friends are also saying negative things. They think since he already made plans with me for tomorrow, he may very well pull through, but will then fade away afterwards based on the fact that he avoided me at the offices and didn’t really communicate with me all week.

 

I was surprised though, to hear from him tonight. He was texting me for over an hour while we was cleaning up around the house, just talking about random stuff, being sweet again. And mentioned he couldn’t wait to see me tomorrow. This is what I’m talking about... he’s hot and cold.

[Wiseman2]

What are the date plans, besides him coming to sleep over again? Try to be more confident. If you want sex in the context of an exclusive relationship, say so. Or stop inviting him over for hookups while you know he's still browsing dating sites. Unfortunately, with him on the dating sites and agreeing to sleep overs, without plans or communication or dates, it sounds like you want a casual open situation. That may be fine after divorce since the sex may be comforting and a relief from being a single parent.

he would just “stop by on his way to my house”.

[Honeycomb8]

Why are u so focused on some guy you barely know?

 

Go out and do stuff. He's going to feel bored if all he senses is u waiting around for him to ask u out.