New situation

[Annia]

Excellent! Next time go out or to his place. Don't make netflix and chill at your place a routine.

 

Thanks. Next time that's also what I want to do. Let's see how it'll unfold.

[Batya33]

Sounds like a nice evening !

[figureitout23]

We had the date at my place and it went fine. We watched a film together.

He didn't try anything with me and was very respectful.

 

Even though I felt that we were both relaxed at home watching the film and stuff, I felt that at some points he was holding back a little, maybe trying not to cross any line? But at the same time I notice that he's reserved (so much that he took 3 dates to kiss me) and takes his time. I comment on this and notice this because in my country the men are more outgoing in that aspect, more physical and stuff, so I'm not used to this. Maybe here it's different.

 

But this might be good for me, since I want to take things slow on that aspect.

 

After we kissed goodbye he talked about seeing each other again. I'll just wait and see how it goes.

 

Wait...

 

You didn’t comment on that while he was in your home and you told him you didn’t want anything physical did you?

[katrina1980]

Annia, a bit confused about your date and your thought process now.

 

Before your date, you were concerned that if you invited him home, he may get the impression you were ready for sex or to become physical, which is not what you wanted.

 

Nevertheless you invited him home and he was respectful, didn't push to become physical and now you are questioning why? Questioning why he didn't push to become physical?

 

I sense you feel a bit off-put by that, that he wasn't a bit more aggressive like the men typically are in your country, which is confusing cause you told us before the date you weren't ready to become physical.

 

Can you clarify your thought process about that? Tnx.

[Annia]

Annia, a bit confused about your date and your thought process now.

 

Before your date, you were concerned that if you invited him home, he may get the impression you were ready for sex or to become physical, which is not what you wanted.

 

Nevertheless you invited him home and he was respectful, didn't push to become physical and now you are questioning why? Questioning why he didn't push to become physical?

 

I sense you feel a bit off-put by that, that he wasn't a bit more aggressive like the men typically are in your country, which is confusing cause you told us before the date you weren't ready to become physical.

 

Can you clarify your thought process about that? Tnx.

 

I wasn't clear enough, sorry. I was very happy that he didn't push for sex. However I was hoping for more physical contact (non sexual) like making out, cuddling and etc which is something I'm used to men doing in my country (more physical contact) and wondered if it might be cultural since there's this stereotype that men here are colder. And I also thought that it was normal because he waited 3 dates to kiss me (which is unusual in my country too) so his pace might be slow too on these things.

[katrina1980]

Thnx for clarifying Annia, I understand now.

 

And JMO as always but “making out” while spending time alone together at either yours or his, before you’re ready to become sexual (not necessarily intercourse) can be a bit tricky, even dangerous sometimes.

 

Not to mention frustrating, for both of you, hence where the term “blue balls” came from.

 

I know other women might disagree, and that’s totally fine, I understand it; I used to engage in heavy make out sessions too while spending time at home.

 

I just know from working in the legal field, and also from my own personal experience (similar if not more egregious to what Batya experienced) some men might view your willingness to “make out” to mean you’re ready to take it up a notch (sexual, but not necessarily intercourse); either that, or they have no self-control themselves and end up disrespecting boundaries, assuming as figureitout asked, you even discussed your boundaries with him in the first place.

 

Did you discuss your boundaries? Prior to him coming over?

 

In any event, I am glad it went well!

[Annia]

Thnx for clarifying Annia, I understand now.

 

And JMO as always but “making out” while spending time alone together at either yours or his, before you’re ready to become sexual (not necessarily intercourse) can be a bit tricky, even dangerous sometimes.

 

Not to mention frustrating, for both of you, hence where the term “blue balls” came from.

 

I know other women might disagree, and that’s totally fine, I understand it; I used to engage in heavy make out sessions too while spending time at home.

 

I just know from working in the legal field, and also from my own personal experience (similar if not more egregious to what Batya experienced) some men might view your willingness to “make out” to mean you’re ready to take it up a notch (sexual, but not necessarily intercourse); either that, or they have no self-control themselves and end up disrespecting boundaries, assuming as figureitout asked, you even discussed your boundaries with him in the first place.

 

Did you discuss your boundaries? Prior to him coming over?

 

In any event, I am glad it went well!

 

I agree with you Katrina and I hadn't thought about the "blue balls" problematic. It makes total sense and I'm glad he was respectful with me and we didn't end up on a compromising situation with making out sessions on the sofa. He was passionate though when we were saying goodbye at the door and then we made out a little.

 

Yes, I told him before the home date that thought I'm attracted to him I wasn't ready to have sex (yet) and needed more time to know him better and thought that it was better to say it before he came since we were going to be home alone. I was honest and I'm glad I took the suggestions I read here.

 

I also agree with some of you that sometimes it's better to avoid home dates if we're not comfortable with the situation yet but the date ended up going well and it felt good.

[Batya33]

Thnx for clarifying Annia, I understand now.

 

And JMO as always but “making out” while spending time alone together at either yours or his, before you’re ready to become sexual (not necessarily intercourse) can be a bit tricky, even dangerous sometimes.

 

Not to mention frustrating, for both of you, hence where the term “blue balls” came from.

 

I know other women might disagree, and that’s totally fine, I understand it; I used to engage in heavy make out sessions too while spending time at home.

 

I just know from working in the legal field, and also from my own personal experience (similar if not more egregious to what Batya experienced) some men might view your willingness to “make out” to mean you’re ready to take it up a notch (sexual, but not necessarily intercourse); either that, or they have no self-control themselves and end up disrespecting boundaries, assuming as figureitout asked, you even discussed your boundaries with him in the first place.

 

Did you discuss your boundaries? Prior to him coming over?

 

In any event, I am glad it went well!

 

Yes, I disagree. I think we don't give men enough credit to know when to stop so they avoid blue balls, etc just like women know when to stop if for example they're incredibly turned on but realize they don't have birth control. For example. It's certainly wrong for anyone to lead anyone else on of course but the clear communication in advance that for example you won't go "all the way" takes care of that. Then it's his responsibility to stop before things get to that uncomfortable point for him. Certainly clear communication in advance -and knowing someone well enough so he understands what you mean (and keeping it simple) plus no alcohol should just end up being a fun evening.

 

Both men and women can lack self control - and if that's the case better to find out early on so you can dodge a bullet. Self control is essential in so many aspects of a relationship.

[katrina1980]

Deleted...….

[katrina1980]

 

I'm glad he was respectful with me and we didn't end up on a compromising situation with making out sessions on the sofa. He was passionate though when we were saying goodbye at the door and then we made out a little.

Yes, I told him before the home date that thought I'm attracted to him I wasn't ready to have sex (yet) and needed more time to know him better and thought that it was better to say it before he came since we were going to be home alone. I was honest and I'm glad I took the suggestions I read here.

 

I also agree with some of you that sometimes it's better to avoid home dates if we're not comfortable with the situation yet but the date ended up going well and it felt good.

 

This all sounds super positive Annia, if you're inclined, keep us posted!

[Batya33]

I agree with you Katrina and I hadn't thought about the "blue balls" problematic. It makes total sense and I'm glad he was respectful with me and we didn't end up on a compromising situation with making out sessions on the sofa. He was passionate though when we were saying goodbye at the door and then we made out a little.

 

Yes, I told him before the home date that thought I'm attracted to him I wasn't ready to have sex (yet) and needed more time to know him better and thought that it was better to say it before he came since we were going to be home alone. I was honest and I'm glad I took the suggestions I read here.

 

I also agree with some of you that sometimes it's better to avoid home dates if we're not comfortable with the situation yet but the date ended up going well and it felt good.

 

It just means if you feel like making out but not having intercourse be simple, direct and clear while you're sober and still dressed. Then stay sober. I remember my husband and I when we got back together had one of those and he ended up staying over. We were not ready to have sex yet. That first real kiss made me realize 100% that I wanted to marry him and he was basically in shock when we were done like "wow what was THAT?" I didn't tell him what I was thinking -wayyyyyy too soon but I know he was feeling the same way. We waited months before having intercourse for both emotional and practical reasons. I'm so glad we did -I would have known anyway but it was like magic, heaven, an experience I'll always remember. I'm glad I didn't let fear of him getting "too excited" get in the way.

[Annia]

Thank you Katrina and Batya for your wise perspectives.

 

I was clear in my "not ready for sex yet and need time" but at the same time I still don't feel I know him enough to know if the "lack of making out and etc" is just his way of being in general or if it is because of my boundary communication and not wanting to be disrespectful.

 

We're going to be together again during the weekend which is good but now there's something bothering me a bit (not related to this boundary issue)

 

I notice that though he takes lots of initiative inviting me and showing he wants to be with me and likes being with me, I notice that despite almost always taking the initiative to invite me, he rarely plans specific dates and almost always leaves it up to me to decide what we're going to do together. He might think he's doing me a favour but I tend to like more decisive and "leading" men (maybe also because I sometimes am a bit indecisive lol) . But at the same time I've been loving being with him. We can talk for hours and I feel attracted both physical and mentally and I feel that it's mutual. I genuinly feel he likes being with me. I haven't felt like this with someone in a very very long time.

[katrina1980]

Annia, again I think it's fabulous you and your guy had a great time at yours and he was respectful.

 

However (and I am only stating for emphasis as it appears you already know this), if you are not ready to become sexual (not just intercourse) unless and until you know a man better and a level of trust has been established, I would strongly advise against having heavy make out sessions on the couch or anywhere else in your (or his) home, regardless of whether or not you state your boundaries.

 

There is no reason for you (or any woman) to be placing yourself in such a compromising and risky situation like that; it has nothing to do with not giving men enough credit, it’s about being smart and safe.

[Batya33]

I don’t agree with someone she’s met several times. I think if you communicate and you’re sober it’s fun and intimate and part of dating. He could try to go too far in a car too or other places. I had so many lovely intimate evenings with men I was dating with no issues at all. We often were on the same page about wanting to wait. And if we weren’t entirely then he was accommodating of my wishes. Certainly it’s up to the individual but part of dating is physical affection and intimacy whether or not the couple is ready to have sex. I think also if you don’t work up to sex that first time can feel awkward and overwhelming. Again for me personally it would have been such a shame to give up on those fun and romantic evenings by assuming a man would lose self control just because we didn’t go all the way or not have just as much fun and bonding and connection. I really dislike the assumption that men only want sex out of a make out session. I’m my experience it’s simply not true. Nor is it true that men can’t control themselves.

I do think it’s foolish to invite a stranger to your home or to get drunk with someone you don’t know well - not in a blame the victim way at all just a foolish risk. Unless you’re ready to have sex

[boltnrun]

You have to decide if having a "decisive and 'leading'" man is more important to you than your connection to this particular man.

 

If he has to "change" to be right for you...he's wrong for you.

[katrina1980]

Just to clarify, I love making out too, in the car, at the movies, hell on the street during a night out! Yes it is fun and increases attraction.

 

However, again, until a certain level of trust has been established, best to not be engaging in that in your home unless and until you know him and trust that he will respect your boundaries.

 

I am getting a little wound up here because working in the legal field I can't even count the number of cases we see where women have placed themselves in compromising situations like that (with men they hardly know let alone trust) and later regretted.

 

Please take care of you, your body and be safe! Once you know him better and that level of trust is there, by all means have him over and make out and whatever else to your heart's content!

[Batya33]

Just to clarify, I love making out too, in the car, at the movies, hell on the street during a night out! Yes it is fun and increases attraction.

 

However, again, until a certain level of trust has been established, best to not be engaging in that in your home unless and until you know him and trust that he will respect your boundaries.

 

I am getting a little wound up here because working in the legal field I can't even count the number of cases we see where women have placed themselves in compromising situations like that (with men they hardly know let alone trust) and later regretted.

 

Please take care of you, your body and be safe! Once you know him better and that level of trust is there, by all means have him over and make out and whatever else to your heart's content!

 

Yes I agree and that is what I meant. You don’t have to be in the legal field at all to know all about date rape - it’s all over and the information is available to all women.

[katrina1980]

 

I really dislike the assumption that men only want sex out of a make out session. I’m my experience it’s simply not true. Nor is it true that men can’t control themselves.

 

I didn't read where anyone made such an assumption.

 

I also didn't read where anyone said men (as a group) can't control themselves.

[Batya33]

I didn't read where anyone made such an assumption.

 

I also didn't read where anyone said men (as a group) can't control themselves.

 

I read that into what you were writing about blueballs, etc. Sorry. Also sure of course if you deal with date rape/domestic violence as part of your job -whether legal field or counseling or whatever -then certainly you have more of a daily experience/reminder/knowledge of what can and does go wrong. Also sometimes for people who are involved with those types of situations - whether date rape or crime or those tragic situations, it must be hard to step away and get perspective, a safe distance. I know it was hard for me just spending years volunteering at a homeless shelter with young children so I can only imagine.

[katrina1980]

I read that into what you were writing about blueballs, etc. Sorry.

 

Thank you. Apology accepted. :)

[Annia]

You have to decide if having a "decisive and 'leading'" man is more important to you than your connection to this particular man.

 

If he has to "change" to be right for you...he's wrong for you.

 

I agree with you. I want to keep dating him to get to know him better and see how this connection unfolds. I feel very good with him but I feel that it's still soon to make decisions and I'm still getting to know him better. But now it's when our relationship will start to deepen I think. I feel that turning point coming now.

 

But never with the mentality that he has to change or that I'll make him change. That's a bad precedent to a healthy a relationship.

[Annia]

Unfortunately date rape is a reality. Just because a woman is at their house or they're making out or whatever, it doesn't mean consent to have sex and even if the person wants it at first, they have the right to decide they don't want after all and so the other person should stop immediately.

 

But in reality this doesn't happen many times. That's why like y'all said it's important to take precautionary measures if the person doesn't want to have sex and doesn't feel a enough level of trust with their partner.

 

I've heard of date rape in advanced stages of dating but I've also heard cases of people first meeting at the man's house and stuff like that. It's never ok to blame the victim as it's always the fault of the rapist/harrassor but there are always things we can do to prevent.

 

I have another rule too that I try to abide which is never going to the first meets/dates without means to come back home. I don't like getting alone into the car of men I don't know well or that they get to know exactly where I live.

[Wiseman2]

That explains why he wasn't going near you with your "stay away" preemptive speech. Making assumptions that he"ll jump your bones when he walks in the door then chiding him for the possibility of it, isn't a good start, is it? You were upset he might try something, then you are upset that he didn't?

 

It sounds like you want a different more aggressive player type of man who decides everything and pushes your boundaries in disrespectful ways? Is that what an ex was like or what you are used to? It seems gentlemen turn you off?

 

Are you in a much more egalitarian country than what you are used to? What's wrong with deferring to your taste as far as planning things You like? Try to decide what you want and things will be a lot less confusing and frustrating.

I was clear in my "not ready for sex yet and need time" but at the same time I still don't feel I know him enough to know if the "lack of making out and etc" is just his way of being in general or if it is because of my boundary communication and not wanting to be disrespectful.

 

I notice that despite almost always taking the initiative to invite me, he rarely plans specific dates and almost always leaves it up to me to decide what we're going to do together. He might think he's doing me a favour but I tend to like more decisive and "leading" men.

[Annia]

That explains why he wasn't going near you with your "stay away" preemptive speech. Making assumptions that he"ll jump your bones when he walks in the door then chiding him for the possibility of it, isn't a good start, is it? You were upset he might try something, then you are upset that he didn't?

 

It sounds like you want a different more aggressive player type of man who decides everything and pushes your boundaries in disrespectful ways? Is that what an ex was like or what you are used to? It seems gentlemen turn you off?

 

Are you in a much more egalitarian country than what you are used to? What's wrong with deferring to your taste as far as planning things You like? Try to decide what you want and things will be a lot less confusing and frustrating.

 

As I explained to Katrina, I'm not upset at all he didn't try to get sexual with me. I was happy about it and it made the date much better. He respected my boundaries. I was talking about a little more cuddling and kissing, but those were just my expectations and I can understand why he didn't go there after I talked to him about my boundaries. I want to reenforce once again that Im not upset at all he didnt try at all getting sexual. I really liked our date and we're seeing each other again this weekend. He showed his passion by the way we said goodbye and by expressing right away that he wanted to be with me again soon.

 

As to egalitarian yes, it's more egalitarian here yes and I like it. I was just talking about a personal preference of mine. Even though 90% of the times he was inviting me to a date, most of the times it was me that decided what we would do. It's just a personal preference of mine the "leading thing" but not a deal breaker for me.

 

Also people here are less expressive in general than in my country where people are a bit warmer, touchy feely and etc (I'm making a generalisation of course), so I notice this difference. It's not a bad thing though, I'm enjoying that we're taking things slow and that he respects me and seems to like me beyond the physical aspect of it all.

[Wiseman2]

You gave him a speech not to try anything, based on past experiences? Ok just enjoy the more genteel nature of things where you are. If that means you pick where you would like to go, etc. then do that. So? Does it make him less of a man if he treats you with respect and lets you choose the date activities? Sorry that's just odd thinking.

I was talking about a little more cuddling and kissing.

90% of the times he was inviting me to a date, most of the times it was me that decided what we would do.I'm enjoying that we're taking things slow and that he respects me and seems to like me beyond the physical aspect of it all.