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Boyfriend lied because of my jealousy


DreamEvil
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Hello

 

I am with my boyfriend for almost one year, but we experience problems because of my jealous mind. For me, every interaction with someone of the opposite sex could be considered as flirting or cheating in some way. I find myself overreacting and overthinking a lot. The result is that I question my boyfriend almost everyday about what he is doing, who he is with, if he is lying, etc. This 'interrogation' has been going on since about 2 months into the relationship. My boyfriend has been explaining and answering over and over again the same questions, but I can feel he's had enough. I make him promise a lot of things and remember almost everything he says. I compare all the promises and words to find out if he can be trusted and if he would be interested in someone else.

 

Yesterday, I was again questionning him and found out a lie. There is a girl in his friends list, with whom he had to work in the summer. They've been friends on facebook for over 2 years, so they became facebook friends long before our relationship. I asked him a couple months ago if he added her or if she added him. He said me it was she that sent the request. Now yesterday, like always, this is one of the things that comes up in my mind and I start to question. I found out it was he that added her, so basically he lied a couple months ago. He said me that he lied for two reasons. One, because he didn't want to make me jealous, think or sad again, because it was just a friend request before our relationship and nothing ever happened between them. Two, because he didn't want drama again.

 

He also told me that during our relationship, there have been women sending him friend requests, and he accepted only if he knew them. He has been sending two or three himself. He never likes pictures or chats with them.

 

I would like some advice on a couple things.

Firstly, do you think I am overreacting about the 'facebook friend thing' and that he lied about it? Is it acceptable to lie?

Secondly, what can I do to be less jealous and trust my boyfriend more?

Lastly I would like to ask two more general questions. Since I have a jealous and overthinking mind, I find it hard to trust my own thoughts, if I am being reasonable or not.

I would like to know: What do you consider as flirting? What do you consider as cheating?

 

 

Thank you a lot for reading and advice.

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You seem to have insight into this. No bf can fix this. It's your job to get therapy and address it. There are some very treatable conditions that are associated with pathological jealousy. However treating someone as a suspect will not cure it. It will also have anyone healthy running.

 

It sounds more like a courtroom drama than a relationship. Eventually it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and the very thing you fear most...losing someone, will happen but not because of cheating, because of your chronic cross examinations.

This 'interrogation' has been going on since about 2 months into the relationship. I have a jealous and overthinking mind, I find it hard to trust my own thoughts, if I am being reasonable or not.
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I am surprised this guy is still around one year later.

 

I don't condone lying, but in the case there is no winning with you and he's running out of options. So, yah, I get the lie.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

No, he's not flirting. He's trying to save himself from the constant pummeling you give him.

 

Your insecurities are YOURS to deal with, not his to manage.

 

What happened to you along the way to be this way and why haven't you sought some professional help?

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Hello

 

Firstly, do you think I am overreacting about the 'facebook friend thing' and that he lied about it? Is it acceptable to lie?

Secondly, what can I do to be less jealous and trust my boyfriend more?

Lastly I would like to ask two more general questions. Since I have a jealous and overthinking mind, I find it hard to trust my own thoughts, if I am being reasonable or not.

I would like to know: What do you consider as flirting? What do you consider as cheating?

 

 

Thank you a lot for reading and advice.

 

I do think you are overreacting. What does it matter if he added a girl first far before you even started dating? He is trying to avoid another one of your interrogations and honestly I can't blame him. He must really care for you to stay with you despite your constant mistrust of him.

 

I too would like to know what you think the reason for your paranoia and jealousy are. Are you insecure in your relationship? Does he show you affection? Has he lied in the past? Or have you been cheated on/lied to in a previous relationship? What you need to do is ask yourself what the root of the problem is here, only then can you start to work on your issues. If you are able to seek out counselling that would be great. But I know from experience it is not always easy or affordable to find help.

 

And as for your last question, what is considered cheating varies widely from person to person. What matters is that you both express your boundaries to each other and if they are compatible, agree to operate within those boundaries.

 

I hope that you do work to resolve this issue because even if this relationship does not last, it will come up in future ones. Good luck.

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As someone who had a rough childhood filled with all kinds of abuse, I came to be what you describe. I wasn't emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship, but I got into one anyway. When you get into relationships before you are healthy as a whole, your own self doubts and insecurities will flood over into your relationship and turn it sour. I still catch myself struggling with this sometimes because learning how to love yourself and keep loving yourself is hard sometimes no matter how much time passes. You have to put in the work everyday to do what it takes to make you content and accept who you are. When you're happy with yourself you are able to bring positive aspects to your relationships. No matter how much you tell yourself "no, if we take it one day at a time I can make today a good day and not pester him as much" - it won't work. It'll come to the surface in one way or another

 

For yours and his sake, my advice would be to get yourself into a healthy state of mind alone and then re-evaluate getting back together in the future. Living in constant fear of a relationship ending is not how a relationship is supposed to be. You're meant to complement one another and simply enjoy the other person for who they are and be thankful for the added joy they bring to your life. You don't sound capable or ready for that yet

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To be fair; I've lied because of a SO's jealousy.

It's not fun to be backed into a corner out of something innocent. You just want to make the other person drop it.

You have to get to the root of your issues.

Have you been cheated on before?

 

I honestly don't remember if I did the adding or they added me with 99.5% of people on social media. He may have legit thought he remembered it right -- but how the HECK did she even find out that the girl added HIM. there is no way to see that on FB after you become friends who added who.

 

this isn't jealousy - its far more sinister - its paranoia and abuse.

 

Please get yourself to some counseling and leave this poor guy alone. the best thing you can do is end the relationship and go to counseling so you don't abuse another person -- especially God forbid you have a kid -- they deserve not to have an abusive parent

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this is WORTH REPEATING

 

Please please PLEASE stop RIGHT NOW. I lost my ex because of this exact behaviour, I wish someone could have just told me to STOP and RECALIBRATE really quickly.

If he has never given you a reason to doubt than it is really unfair and will wear him out in the long run trust me. He will resent you and might even want to get a little space in the long run because he feels suffocated. You in turn will get more paranoid and the relationship will suffer, if not end.

 

I can not recommend enough to get professionel help to deal with this. That's what I'm doing. You think you're in control and truly you are for a while. Until things get worse. You start snooping, picking fights, spying on him. You will lose your edge, that spark that made him fall in love. He will resent everything trust me. I beg you don't make the same mistakes I did. I'm not saying your case is as bad as mine, but I was like you. All my relationships failed because of this. And I recently lost the most amazing person..

So see if you can calm your thoughts for a while but if you can't and start accusing him again or picking up unhealthy behaviours like snooping please seek help my dear. You'll be glad you did.

 

I'm guessing you have like me, thoughts of unworthiness. Get rid of those as fast as possible if they are there. They will poison your life.

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Look, you know you have a problem. Your post from last year is just about the same as your latest post. Therapy can help you, but you can overcome this. Whenever you get a suspicious or jealous thought, you've got to say to yourself, "I'm being silly again." Think before you speak. Before asking, "who's this girl you friended?" say to yourself, "I'm being jealous again" and change the subject in your mind. You can wear a rubber band around your wrist, and when you're about to badger your boyfriend, snap it to change your behavior.

 

You have a boyfriend who has put up with a lot of your abuse. But by acting jealous, you wind up just pushing people away. And it forces people to lie to you because they know you'll go ballistic if they tell you the truth. By having trust problems you actually create an untrustworthy situation. And you wind up fulfilling your worst fear.

 

So be rational. Tell yourself to stop being jealous and to trust your boyfriend. It sounds like you have a nice guy, don't drive him away! You can be happy if you want to. But you have to allow yourself to be happy.

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You sound just like my ex-husband. I told him that his jealousy was going to kill our marriage and it did. I became a very good liar. I lied about who I knew, how I knew them, conversations with people of the opposite sex. Everything. I lied because he never believed the truth. The truth was that I was a faithful partner that would never even think about cheating on him, yet he had already made up his mind about me. It never got better. It got much much worse over time. I can't explain to you how damaging that experience was for me. I wasted 13 years in that hell.

 

My current boyfriend and I trust each other 100%. I no longer have to lie about anything. Telling him about a conversation with a male co-worker is just a simple conversation. He doesn't even mention when I make a new male friend on FB. I have never once questioned him about his female friends, of which he has many (he works at an elementary school). If he ever decided to cheat on me, he'd be losing out on a wonderful woman and if I cheated on him, I'd lose a wonderful man. You need to ask yourself why you don't feel worthy of a happy relationship. Why are you always waiting for the shoe to drop?

 

Please, please, please address this. No one deserves the way you are treating your boyfriend.

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as the saying goes, "fix your own yard before worrying about other people's yard".

In this case, you need to stop focusing on your bf and what he may or may not be doing wrong. You need to FIX YOU first and all the issues YOU have. Focus on that first - and there's plenty. You ARE over thinking, over analyzing, and are over jealous and suspicious. Period. Do you know what happens when somebody is like that in the relationship? They make the relationship so horrible and depressing that people END UP cheating or leaving. I know this is not what you want - but every day you interrogate and accuse your bf of anythign is another day you're pushing him farther away and another day he's closer to cheating and leaving you.

 

work on you first. break up if you have to until you fix yourself.

 

btw.. flirting is not a problem or an issue. CHEATING is. In my book as long as they aren't cheating or betraying me - it's all fine. We are humans - we're designed to be social!

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