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Why the rush to get sexual and stay over then?

 

I don’t know. I wanted to. There was a strong connection. It felt right. I don’t have any rules about this. I find emotional intimacy much more meaningful/impactful than physical etc etc

 

I don’t think this was the issue, if you’re asking my gut feeling. The flip happened after it got EMOTIONALLY intimate.

 

Maybe you should come up with some rules about this. It's the only way you can protect yourself from things like this happening. A month is not enough time to get to know someone. A 'sense' of who they are is not enough. True colors can be hidden for months, sometimes longer.

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The flip happened after it got EMOTIONALLY intimate.

 

I agree with what everyone else has posted, great advice you've been given.

 

I've been down that path with men too, and if I've learned anything through these experiences it's this.

 

When a man pulls away immediately after emotionally connecting with you, it's because he's not comfortable with that type of connection. There could be a million reasons why, they don't matter. All that matters is that he's not comfortable with emotional intimacy, and in my experience, it doesn't matter whether this happened on the first date or the 50th date.

 

If he struggles with emotional intimacy and all that entails (i.e. vulnerability mostly) then he's gonna pull away afterwards.

 

If you choose to go forward with him (if/when he returns), be aware it will be a constant push/pull. Come close/pull away/come close/pull away, rinse repeat.

 

It's all quite emotionally exhausting for YOU, it's up to you if you think he's worth it.

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I don't agree. I think some people who pull away after seeming to connect emotionally (I say "seeming" because especially early on it could just be you projecting or interpreting what he is doing or saying as being emotionally connecting) might also simply realize they're not that into you, especially early on in dating - sometimes it can be after connecting emotionally because even if it felt good while it was happening it underscores the inherent feeling of it not being right for the long term, not being right, or not being attracted enough or the myriad of reasons people decide early on they're just not that into you. Some people might be emotionally unavailable or have issues in that department but especially early on it's speculation to analyze in that way and that also means you don't grow the kind of thick skin acceptance that early on especially when there's no commitment yet it most likely is "just not that into you" (or of course it may be that he or she is also pursuing someone else at the same time, or wants to, etc) . I just wouldn't assume that person, man or woman, is not comfortable with emotional intimacy generally.

 

Certainly if you're serious with someone for months or longer and committed and then he or she pulls away and your emotional connection is solid then sure it might be a general issue emotionally or some life stress that has triggered pulling away instead of coming closer together.

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I don't agree.

 

Oh Batya, I mean no offense, but my response was not an agree/disagree type of response.

 

There are so many different nuances and variables, of course people pull away for different reasons, I was simply giving my perspective based on my own experiences.

 

In my experiences, there is no "seeming" to emotionally connect -- we've emotionally connected, it's quite obvious to both of us.

 

And when a man has pulled away immediately afterwards, it's because he wasn't comfortable with it, at least not at that point in time for whatever reasons -- I've actually had men admit this to me.

 

I respect your experiences have been different.

Edited by katrina1980
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Oh Batya, I mean no offense, but my response was not an agree/disagree type of response.

 

There are so many different nuances and variables, of course people pull away for different reasons, I was simply giving my perspective based on my own experiences.

 

In my experiences, there is no "seemingly" to emotionally connect -- we've emotionally connected, it's quite obvious to both of us.

 

And when a man has pulled away immediately afterwards, it's because he wasn't comfortable with it, at least not at that point in time for whatever reasons -- I've actually had men admit this to me.

 

I respect your experiences have been different.

 

What do you mean your response wasn’t an agree/disagree type of response?

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I was simply posting what my experiences have been; I'm not quite sure how someone can agree or disagree with my personal experience.

 

You wrote it as if it were an absolute truth, and even said “I agree”, which is why I was confused why no one else can have a stance on your post

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You wrote it as if it were an absolute truth, and even said “I agree”, which is why I was confused why no one else can have a stance on your post

 

You know, reading my post again and how I worded it, you're right, I did! Owning that and my apologies to Batya.

 

To clarify, I was referring to my own experiences with men who pulled away immediately after we had connected on a deeper level, emotionally. Such connection being obvious to the both of us. And them admitting it later, when they returned.

 

Again, apologies for the ambiguity.

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So, if you google this, “guy was in heavy pursuit and withdrew,” there are articles that pop up with lists of 25 possible explanations lol. There’s no right or wrong answer, and everything besides what the direct source has actually said, bad timing/busy right now, is pure speculation.

 

The intimacy freakout is my personal read of the situation because I had to try to find some explanation for myself and that’s the only thing I could identify. Our last encounter was noticeably more intimate. I was ecstatic after and immediately texted my BFF that we “went to the next level” and “broke through walls.” Boy, did that backfire. He responded to that feeling opposite of me it seems X-)

 

I have no issue with the pride thing of he’s just not that into you and changed his mind. I pushed him to tell me that and even accused him of it. I wanted an exit. He denied it and insisted that’s not the case so we can say he’s lying, who knows. This whole thing has thrown me for a serious loop (hence this post) because in my 16 years of dating experience nothing like it has happened. I’ve been dumped or not liked before sure, but it’s usually at a logical inflection point. Date 1: tons of drop offs. Month 2-3, when you first realize if he’s serious and will commit, drop offs. Year 1-3, when you see deep values and compatibility issues, drop offs. But, randomly going from date 5 to 6, or 10 to 11, or 18 to 19, when nothing is different about you, that makes no sense to me. Who knows though, all is fair in love and war, maybe I farted in my sleep 😭

 

It’s also irrelevant why too (as some of you said) because I’m not going to contact him anyway. It’s a win win not to. I’m already halfway over it so if he disappears forever, I’m saving myself the heartache and additional struggle. If he does come forward and redeem and explain, well awesome, hope he doesn’t have a push/pull pattern and we actually get along.

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@Katrina, I’ve also had that happen to me. I’ve had men withdraw and then come back and tell me they can’t handle falling for someone again and the emotion scares them. Then they tried to bargain for something more casual and it ended lol.

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@Katrina, I’ve also had that happen to me. I’ve had men withdraw and then come back and tell me they can’t handle falling for someone again and the emotion scares them. Then they tried to bargain for something more casual and it ended lol.

 

Yeah again, there are so many different nuances but generally speaking, if/when a guy suddenly withdraws after emotionally connecting (for whatever reasons, too many to list), if/when he returns, probably best to take a pass.

 

Have you decided what you'll do if/when this guy pops up again? My guess is, after a sufficient amount of space, he will!

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Have you decided what you'll do if/when this guy pops up again? My guess is, after a sufficient amount of space, he will!

 

I think it really depends on how long it takes, what he says happened and how he acts in general. If he gives me reasons I can be sympathetic to and acts well consistently, I’d give it a shot. I’d be a lot slower this time around though!! I might even say “let’s take it slow” which are words never spoken by me in the past :-P #lessonlearned

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I think it really depends on how long it takes, what he says happened and how he acts in general. If he gives me reasons I can be sympathetic to and acts well consistently, I’d give it a shot. I’d be a lot slower this time around though!! I might even say “let’s take it slow” which are words never spoken by me in the past :-P #lessonlearned

 

Despite what I said about taking a pass, I think that's a great approach!

 

I've done what you plan to do, and had it actually work out.

 

But I've also had it NOT work out and I've gotten really hurt; it's all one big risk and really depends on whether or not you think he's worth it.

 

Best of luck, I hope it all works out the way you hope. :)

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Despite what I said about taking a pass, I think that's a great approach!

 

I've done what you plan to do, and had it actually work out.

 

But I've also had it NOT work out and I've gotten really hurt; it's all one big risk and really depends on whether or not you think he's worth it.

 

Best of luck, I hope it all works out the way you hope. :)

 

Thank you:) Agreed. All of it is a high stakes game but at some point something has to work out right!! Come onnnn, Cupid!

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he panicked and “saved” himself by sending me 10 paragraphs of detail of what is going on in his life, apologizing profusely, calling himself selfish for neglecting me etc.

 

If someone has the time to write 10 paragraphs, they have the time. I'm not saying "yes, be hard on him!" Just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket when that basket isn't there. If you are looking for a guy who shows enthusiasm and interest in wanting to date you and pursue you, date other guys and make yourself available for those guys who make time for you instead of wasting time reading 100 reasons why guy pulls away.

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I don’t know. I wanted to. There was a strong connection. It felt right. I don’t have any rules about this. I find emotional intimacy much more meaningful/impactful than physical etc etc

 

I don’t think this was the issue, if you’re asking my gut feeling. The flip happened after it got EMOTIONALLY intimate.

 

My only advice is please do not mix sex into an emotional situation. I don’t care how able you are to separate the two. If EMOTIONAL intimacy is an issue muddying the water with the false intimacy intercourse can cause will just be fuel to the fire. There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow. Slow down!

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Unless I misread, the OP said they had not had sex yet, not full on anyway.

 

"Done things" yes, but when asked directly if they've had sex, she said "not fully" (which I presume to mean intercourse).

 

Other than that, agree it's important not to confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy.

 

I don't get the sense she did that though, I could be wrong.

Edited by katrina1980
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Unless I misread, the OP said they had not had sex yet, not full on anyway.

 

"Done things" yes, but when asked directly if they've had sex, she said "not fully" (which I presume to mean intercourse).

 

Other than that, agree it's important not to confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy.

 

I don't get the sense she did that though, I could be wrong.

 

Yes, that was my take as well.

 

“Strong connection” and “emotional intimacy” plus it’s been 2 weeks plus a history of getting overly attached plus a history of for whatever reason attempting to rush into sex = for the love of all that is holy please do not have sex yet.

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You wrote it as if it were an absolute truth, and even said “I agree”, which is why I was confused why no one else can have a stance on your post

 

Yes, I read it that way too. Edited because, thank you Katrina for understanding why I "disagreed" -not with your personal experience!

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So, if you google this, “guy was in heavy pursuit and withdrew,” there are articles that pop up with lists of 25 possible explanations lol. There’s no right or wrong answer, and everything besides what the direct source has actually said, bad timing/busy right now, is pure speculation.

 

The intimacy freakout is my personal read of the situation because I had to try to find some explanation for myself and that’s the only thing I could identify. Our last encounter was noticeably more intimate. I was ecstatic after and immediately texted my BFF that we “went to the next level” and “broke through walls.” Boy, did that backfire. He responded to that feeling opposite of me it seems X-)

 

I have no issue with the pride thing of he’s just not that into you and changed his mind. I pushed him to tell me that and even accused him of it. I wanted an exit. He denied it and insisted that’s not the case so we can say he’s lying, who knows. This whole thing has thrown me for a serious loop (hence this post) because in my 16 years of dating experience nothing like it has happened. I’ve been dumped or not liked before sure, but it’s usually at a logical inflection point. Date 1: tons of drop offs. Month 2-3, when you first realize if he’s serious and will commit, drop offs. Year 1-3, when you see deep values and compatibility issues, drop offs. But, randomly going from date 5 to 6, or 10 to 11, or 18 to 19, when nothing is different about you, that makes no sense to me. Who knows though, all is fair in love and war, maybe I farted in my sleep 😭

 

It’s also irrelevant why too (as some of you said) because I’m not going to contact him anyway. It’s a win win not to. I’m already halfway over it so if he disappears forever, I’m saving myself the heartache and additional struggle. If he does come forward and redeem and explain, well awesome, hope he doesn’t have a push/pull pattern and we actually get along.

 

You have a great and healthy attitude. You won't need Cupid's help (although obviously don't turn away Cupid LOL). All the best and you deserve someone who writes ten paragraphs AND shows up, especially when it counts ;-)

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Sounds like a classic case of his behaviour not matching his words. Always pay attention to what they do, not what they say.

 

Kind of sounds like he enjoyed the hunt, and that's about it. But that's speculation. Only he knows for sure. One thing is certain. If he really wanted you, he would have made more of an effort.

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