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I met a guy, first guy I have really liked and saw a future with in years, about a month ago. He was attentive, sweet, kind, communicative and clearly interested in the first 2 weeks. He told me he wanted a serious relationship (without me prompting him). He told me he really liked me several times. He told his coworkers about me. He texted me everyday. He planned dates nearly every other day. Our last date was significantly more intimate (emotionally) than the previous ones. I told him I liked him for the first time to which he responded “I like you too! It’s a consensus! I’m blazing green lights!” We talked about our love languages. He was gripping my hands in his sleep. I was on cloud 9.

 

That’s where things inexplicably went south. I at first couldn’t tell what was going on and just felt confused. He stopped initiating conversations but is responsive when I do. He has not asked me out again. I asked him twice and he said yes both times and flaked last minute quite apologetically on account of work. Because of the contrast in behavior, I felt I was getting pushed away and first gently gave him a chance to tell me if anything was up (he insisted there wasn’t and told me things are just going on in his life and he’s gotten super busy). The second time he flaked, I straight out told him I thought he was killing the relationship and all he has to do is say it instead of this slow withdrawal behavior. Instead of taking the exit, he panicked and “saved” himself by sending me 10 paragraphs of detail of what is going on in his life, apologizing profusely, calling himself selfish for neglecting me etc. I bought it. Seemed sincere. Just told him it would all be resolved if he communicates more and doesn’t leave me guessing. We smoothed it over (kind of).

 

Have not heard from him nor reached out to him in 4 days now. What’s worse, we are at the same work conference, which we have discussed and he’s seemed very happy about. We’ve shared schedules, possibly meeting up etc. Neither of us has reached out. I know I’m avoiding him and I can only assume he’s avoiding me too because this is not normal behavior. I feel extra awkward. I’ll throw in a caveat that this conference is organized by his company, is HUGE (no chance of running into each other), all his big bosses are there and most of his busy excuses were related to a work situation and promotion.

 

I have no plans to reach out to him (ever) again right now. I feel like I did enough by asking him out twice and initiating several conversations. His behavior has been hurtful and strange and I’m honestly kind of at “deal breaker” status with it. Just feel sad and extremely awkward about it.

 

Would appreciate an external read on the situation. Any thoughts on what’s going on, might happen and/or how others might handle it. A part of me is afraid I’m sabotaging too through now equally avoidant behavior. I simultaneously believe him completely and also don’t think he’s being fully honest.

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I don’t know. I wanted to. There was a strong connection. It felt right. I don’t have any rules about this. I find emotional intimacy much more meaningful/impactful than physical etc etc

 

I don’t think this was the issue, if you’re asking my gut feeling. The flip happened after it got EMOTIONALLY intimate.

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Yes this is what I think it is too but he won’t admit to anything except various work/life excuses. It’s so annoying; you can’t solve anything without communicating your thoughts.

 

I’ve never had this kind of reaction before and I’ve seen a lot in my days. Def regret going too fast on all counts but the pace was driven mostly by him. Is it unsalvageable because we are now both just spooked of each other?

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I don't necessarily think this is unsalvageable, but I don't say that to give you some kind of false hope or secret window into the hearts and minds of us men. I say that because only you know how long you can hold this space, and eventually your excitement and curiosity will simply dissolve. I wouldn't hold it in a vacuum, though. I'd move forward, onward, keep exploring what's out there.

 

You've done nothing wrong here. Nothing in the pacing, nothing at all. Dude has shown himself to be a little scattered, maybe too scattered, at the moment, to date. Could be a work thing, a life thing, a shift in feelings thing triggered by who knows what. The good thing is, at this point, that doesn't really matter. Just fifteen days.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I've certainly had moments where I shut down early, rarely for reasons I really understand, and then come back around with more clarity and intention. Sometimes the window has closed, sometimes not.

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How old are both of you? Is there some other detail about him or you that would give some light on this? Is he a boss or supervisor? Is there an age difference? Did he try to sleep with you and you pushed him off? Certainly when you told him he was killing the relationship, could that be interpreted as a criticism? He either took it as you didn't understand about work, or something else he was doing. Honeycomb could be right about things moving too fast. Or there's something missing you don't know about.

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In my experience, guys who are very intense so early on are the ones to avoid.

 

I found they are often impulsive, or rebounding from a broken heart, or looking to get laid, or easily distracted by the next shiny object that rolls into view. I would not contact him anymore, and see if he takes the initiative to find you. If not, then you know this was a dud.

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Thanks for this perspective. I’ve been told the give it space and he may return thing is quite common, but hardly something to bank on! It is why I don’t want to push more, though, because maybe then I ruin all chances.

 

I once, myself, in the past, inexplicably felt the need to push away a new dating prospect that seemed like a great guy after about a month. I didn’t know why consciously but looking back I wasn’t ready for a relationship and had feelings for someone else. As soon as that someone else turned out to be a waste, I had regret (still do) for pushing him away. I tried to go back months later but it was too late.

 

I also agree that my own loss of hope/patience is at issue as I’ve already lost a significant amount of enthusiasm just from hanging on for 2 weeks :/

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We are both early 30s. He is a senior level at a very large company yes, and a too-obsessed-about-work type. He’s also taking graduate courses. He’s the type of person to have some kind of out of town trip planned like 2-3/4 weekends from what I’ve seen so far. He just seems like he has too much going on. Structurally, I think this is a big hindrance but he seemed to manage fine the first 2 weeks, and it shouldn’t theoretically affect communication, so I don’t think it fully explains it...

 

And yes I meant it as a criticism. It was basically an accusation that he denied. I know people don’t like being criticized :-x

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Well, I think you hit the nail on the head. He has too much going on. You probably caught him before school, work and everything else hit him. And for guys, career is always more important than relationships and family. He probably likes you and wants a girlfriend, but how many girlfriends will put up with his schedule? Hardly any. If you want to just be friends and date him when he's around, I think he could manage that kind of relationship. Maybe go off on a vacation once or twice a year with him for some fun. But the boyfriend-girlfriend type? He doesn't have the time. To follow up on Miss Canuck's observation, that may be why he moved so fast. He doesn't have much time to make his case. But that's why we date, to see whether we are compatible with each other on a number of different levels.

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No easy answers. The ones that start out intense, tend to burn out just as quickly. He had a high, and then reality kicked in. His life is too busy. You are another thing he has to deal with...even if he really likes you. He could have planned multiple times to text or call, but knew there wasn't time at the moment, so he'd do it later, and then later, he still doesn't because it's not the right time, it's overwhelming with everything else he needs to deal with. Sure, he managed for the first two weeks, but then reality sunk in. It could be as mentioned earlier, he moved on to the next shiny new thing that takes his time, whether it's another woman or a hobby or work. Unless you embrace a casual, when the wind blows in your direction, type of relationship, it's probably best to let this one go. Maybe the intensity and feeling like this could be "the one" scared him. Who knows. What we know is he's too busy and you're not in any way a priority.

 

I had a guy like this, and the question was how long I was willing to wait for things to slow down or for our relationship be at a point where we can spend time with our kids around...opens up more time because he was super busy and didn't have the time...I had more time. It's harder on the person who has more time. We want to see them more...they can't. He started fizzling. I realized at some point he never initiated contact anymore. It was always me. He would have other plans and obligations for the few days we would typically see each other. He would cancel last minute. I stopped contacting, and it was really hard, and he never contacted me again. It hurt a great deal, still does. I really felt something was there. He did reemerge about 6 months later, and at first he texted a lot (too much) and then he stopped, and I realized I was always initiating again. I asked if he changed his mind to which he responded of course not...but he did. It was done. Nothing changed. Same stuff, different day.

 

If he comes around, and you want to try again, I would say go for it, as you will definitely question "what if" if you don't, but you really can't put a lot in this...he might be flaky and in and out again, unavailable, leaving you on this roller coaster, that's when you'll determine if this situation is going to work for you. Don't close off other dating opportunities, either. You don't want to hang on for years to some guy who will never commit or is never around, but he's fine to have fun with if you aren't otherwise taken by someone else. Plan on him not being in your life. It hurts. Good luck.

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Unfortunately, it sounds like he lost interest. He may also be dating others or have a gf, since you never had the exclusive talk. Perhaps he just wanted a hookup and assumed you were on the same page and when you got too emotional, that was his cue to exit.

 

Keep in mind dating a couple of weeks is not "a relationship". If someone withdraws, blows you off, flakes, etc. you do not send them "relationship talks" you delete and block them. Keep dating light and fun this early on, do not try to force a relationship after a few dates.

He was attentive, sweet, kind, communicative and clearly interested in the first 2 weeks. He was gripping my hands in his sleep. The second time he flaked, I straight out told him I thought he was killing the relationship and all he has to do is say it instead of this slow withdrawal behavior.
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Ok 2 myths here:

1) You solve things with actions what you chose to do and not do, not with 'thoughts' or telling people off, when they don't meet your "relationship expectations", after a few dates..

 

2) The pace was driven by You. You chose the too much too soon pace. You were not held at gunpoint to go this fast.

 

It’s so annoying; you can’t solve anything without communicating your thoughts.

 

but the pace was driven mostly by him.

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Fifteen days spent together in half a months time, since you say in the last two weeks of that, dates weren't welcomed by him? Learn from this, that even if the guy is wanting more than one or two dates a week at the beginning, don't do it. And even though you kept your thoughts to yourself that you were planning a future with this man, he could sense this and it probably scared him away. Your thoughts were way premature, as it takes a good year for the newness of a new relationship to end so you can see the reality of who he is.

 

At this stage, after he cancelled the first date, the ball was in his court to ask you out, because each person needs to be equally making effort. You didn't take a wait and see stance, to gauge his interest or lack of interest. Instead, you were trying to drive the relationship forward that he might be too cowardly to end. You might've gotten your answer sooner when you saw his lack of response, day after day, after the first date request by you.

 

Sure, it's okay to communicate your needs when dating. If a person cares, they will want to please you so that you will keep him in your life. Of course, when the relationship is so new and you're not exclusive, those requests need to be reasonable.

 

What you describe doesn't look promising. I'd just learn from mistakes made going forward to have better success in a future relationship.

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Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I agree with the whole isn’t actually emotionally or time-wise available to build a relationship so tries to jam it in in a downtime interpretation. I have a lot of friends like this and was myself like this. You have a life too full but feel guilty/frustrated/empty not to have a love life at all, so you make attempts and then can’t follow through. I think he’ll be back but I’m personally not able to keep myself engaged through fits and starts. I think this is just way #214 that things can possibly go wrong!

 

For the record, to some other comments, I didn’t use the word “relationship” as in boyfriend/girlfriend. I used it as relations between two people, i.e. this is how you burn a bridge.

I’m very critical of myself but I really did absolutely nothing with regard to being too much or scaring him that he’s getting trapped. HE said he wanted something serious with a future. HE asked me my relationship history. HE said he liked me first. Maybe I should have been running for the hills but I love that stuff lol. I was very much under the impression that “yay we’re just starting and I’ll have to deal with the relationship status stuff 2-3 months from now.” It just feels snipped or at least stalled.

 

Anyway, whether it’s personal to me or just his life as he says, this doesn’t seem promising. I saw a lot of potential so it’s disheartening.

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Typical hit it and quit it. He said whatever he needed to say to get into your pants. Had some fun, now he's over it.

 

Next time, keep your pants for for at least a month or two after seeing eachother in many situations that don't involve netflix and chilling.

 

Whatever you do, relax, and make the most out of your conference. If you meet up, you meet up. Don't get all relationship-ey. You've only had six dates.

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We are both early 30s. He is a senior level at a very large company yes, and a too-obsessed-about-work type. He’s also taking graduate courses. He’s the type of person to have some kind of out of town trip planned like 2-3/4 weekends from what I’ve seen so far. He just seems like he has too much going on. Structurally, I think this is a big hindrance but he seemed to manage fine the first 2 weeks, and it shouldn’t theoretically affect communication, so I don’t think it fully explains it...

 

And yes I meant it as a criticism. It was basically an accusation that he denied. I know people don’t like being criticized :-x

 

Hmm. So what I think it many people change their minds after two weeks of dating, or one month of dating. He seems to have been interested early on and now on reflection is still interested in a very lukewarm way- he'd like to keep you on the backburner in case he wants to see you again. I don't think it was because of your criticism but when I was working more than full time at my career and was way into it, way intense, way focused I got really tired of people, especially people I'd recently met on dates, criticizing my work life. I also had a very active, busy schedule and getting married was my top priority. I made time for people to date, to get involved seriously, etc. I met my husband originally at work and the people who really got me the best had similar schedules and outlooks and guess what -we made it work, we made time for each other, we supported each other's careers and ambitions to succeed. Please don't date people like this if it doesn't work for you. Sure there are workaholics and that's a problem but labeling him after knowing him a few weeks as the "too obsessed about work type" is unfair. You don't know him well enough to know that and it's judgmental.

 

I also think it's way too much to talk about "love languages" that early on - most people I know- yes, especially men (call me sexist on that point, it's fine) would find that too psychobabblish and just like talking about your future marriage - who cares at that point about labeling "love languages' - just talk, chat, banter, hang out -hopefully laugh till you have to pee. Don't get all into the therapy-speak and the tests to see if your "love languages" match. Instead, how about seeing someone more like once or twice a week in the beginning so you don't get all wrapped up that fast -prematurely- so that you keep it fresh and new-so he gets to know you layer by layer at a reasonable pace over time. How about putting aside the short term gratification of "cause I feel like it' if what you're really looking for is something long term?

 

He might circle back to you but this is not because he's too "busy" to see you -he's a go getter. If he wanted to get you he'd make sure you knew he couldn't wait to see you even if work was keeping him from seeing you as often as he'd like. And definitely don't date ambitious people like him who act on their ambitions by working more than full time and unpredictable hours if that's not for you. Because I did what he did, because my husband did the same, it meant that when we married I could be a full time mom for 7 years with no financial concerns. And could go back to work on my own terms after that because despite being older, and the 7 year gap, I had the experience and success to help bridge that gap, to convince someone to take a chance on me (as an aside, yes it was challenging and an uphill battle but I know I got the perfect job for me because of my past experience and track record).

 

You can't have it both ways most of the time -if you like that intense rush and the pillow talk about love languages, and the insta-relationship/speed of light -go for it- it's fun, it's exciting -and it usually doesn't bode well for the long term, of course with exceptions -and certainly if you're going to judge a man's career and how he handles his career after two weeks it's unlikely you'll be one of the exceptions.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

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HE said he wanted something serious with a future. HE asked me my relationship history. HE said he liked me first. Maybe I should have been running for the hills but I love that stuff lol.

 

I get you love this stuff. Heck who doesn't? But you go down this path enough times and the next time you do better.

Sweeping you off your feet is for Hallmark movies. Yes, there are always exceptions, but.

 

He can try to pace you all he wants, but ultimately you are your own agent and you dictate the pace that feels comfortable for you.

I am a little older than you and I can say from experience that things that started fast, ended fast.

 

I am now not flattered at all by someone declaring feelings for me early on.

I have been known to impulsively blurt out in a slightly annoyed tone `but you don't even know me!!'

 

Anything else is projection. Yes, we can make good first impressions, for that matter sociopaths are really good at it. It's actually a turn off for me for someone to declare feelings for me too soon. It doesn't come from a realistic place.

 

In the early days we love the illusion and we project onto them who we want them to be. It isn't until around 4 to 6 months that we really see what we've signed up for.

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You’re right. I need to work on not getting swept up so fast. I think I’m dealing with the loss of thinking someone was bf material (too quickly) and then seeing signs lately that oh maybe he isn’t. Anti climactic and it’s never happened to me before that I got pushback so quickly and erratically.

 

The vibe I’m picking up from him is “HOLD.” Not go or stay, but wait. It’s like he wants to put me on pause until he is ready. I don’t think he even wants me to check in while he is on his little sabbatical. Whether it’s caused by life/work stress, emotional/intimacy freakout, someone else or loss of interest, who knows. Issue is I’m not patient. I don’t operate well in low frequency “wait” or “keep it vaguely alive” modes. I’m in or out. What will happen is I’ll mentally check out to not get preoccupied thinking about it. And when he’s ready to reconvene I’ll have major reservations and trust issues about him pulling another one of these on me. I’ll keep y’all updated. For now I’m about to leave the conference without seeing or speaking to him.

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