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flowerchild6
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Hello All:

So there is someone I am dating---it's new Aug 31 is the start. He is practically a live in boyfriend now.....BUT

he is married and currently separated from her for 2 years now. This is their 2nd split for 2 years but they have 2 children

and 15 years in.

He claims he has asked several times throughout the past year and she has refused to sign off for the divorce. He is with me

EVERY single night. He takes care of me and my daughter and he is the best thing since sliced bread and in so many ways he is

perfect for me and my life.......He is saying they haven't been together in 3 years it is over, she knows he doesn't want her any long etc, etc etc,

but that really makes me feel no better especially since Im not married never been married and quite frankly am dating to lead to marriage.

 

We spoke about it this AM and I was adamant about him needing to get a divorce and he understands but at the same time

I cant help but to feel a bit torn, ashamed and intimidated by the current circumstances.

 

What path should I take at this point? He is well off, very kind and gentle, very handsome, and thoughtful. For the first time in my lifetime

I can actually feel myself falling hard for him and RIGHT now I can control it but another 24-48 hrs and Im all in. I am a player by nature and have only had 3

real relationships in my life. Honestly I am too soft and sensitive so I ultimately have shyed away from love all my life...Im 38 he is 39.

 

 

OH--the wife is on FB with another male with a comment saying she's starting over with him....but still she is using her married surname/

Help me...AM I SIMPLY A REBOUND OR AN UPGRADE TO RETURN BACK TO HER....>>

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Married men are a waste of time. Even separated men are a waste of time. If you want involvement with them, be clear it's casual. Once you invest in them, and they can't, you're on the losing end.

They have so much to go through after officially getting divorced. Yep, you're the rebound.

He probably cares for you, but as far as ever being more, don't hold your breath. Sorry for being blunt but it's the truth.

Most will get divorced, go through the motions of healing, then move on to someone else. Right now you're filling a void.

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Married men are a waste of time. Even separated men are a waste of time. If you want involvement with them, be clear it's casual. Once you invest in them, and they can't, you're on the losing end.

They have so much to go through after officially getting divorced. Yep, you're the rebound.

He probably cares for you, but as far as ever being more, don't hold your breath. Sorry for being blunt but it's the truth.

Most will get divorced, go through the motions of healing, then move on to someone else. Right now you're filling a void.

 

This. I didn't realize what a difference it would make until I was myself divorced after being separated for 2 years. Being separated is NOT like being divorced and yes... he is indeed using you to fill the void. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you but it does mean he isn't willing to go through the feelings needed to actually make this divorce happen.

 

Don't be ashamed OP... we have all been there, and can't possibly know what it's really like until we have been through it.

 

Do they already have a custody agreement etc.? I know in the country I live in, if all the custody agreements and financial settlements are done, we can just serve papers to the other and they don't actually need to sign them for the divorce to be final... perhaps there is a similar thing where you live.

 

Where there is a will there is a way.

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Tricky question without a perfect answer.

 

I was in something similar. The only difference being that going into it, I did not rush in. That and we didn't have children at home. In six weeks time you call him your practically live in boyfriend.

 

It's impossible to predict the outcome, but had you slowed your roll a little bit you wouldn't be feeling vulnerable and anxious now.

 

My only recommendation is to dial it back some.

 

And for the record, I never asked my now bf to take a firmer stance on his divorce. When I came into the picture, he did so on his own. In the meantime I dated him and navigated not getting too far ahead and overly attached. If I had, I would have probably felt the way you are now.

 

Why is a married man you've only known for a matter of weeks (practically) taking care of you and your daughter?

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#1.I've known him for over 25 years--so again he isn't a stranger. We went to elementary together and grew up in the same town.

#2.Taking care of me and my daughter... meaning= helping me pay for her books for next semester, buying grocery, paying on my

credit card bills, going half on my car note, helping with things--I had a few tickets that he paid off....that's what I mean!!

#3. Slowed my roll a bit??? How long should it have took to begin a relationship/situationship? Im curious to know?

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LOL!!!!! now we are getting somewhere SweetGirl28

---I D K!!!!! He claims it is because the family lives in the suburbs and his mom wanted him there to have better opportunities than what the inner city offers. Now as for him staying with him--I suppose that is what that means I suppose???!!!! He moved from his studio on Sept 15th and the son wanted to stay in his old room at his mother's (boy's grandma) house0.....???

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LOL!!!!! now we are getting somewhere SweetGirl28

---I D K!!!!! He claims it is because the family lives in the suburbs and his mom wanted him there to have better opportunities than what the inner city offers. Now as for him staying with him--I suppose that is what that means I suppose???!!!! He moved from his studio on Sept 15th and the son wanted to stay in his old room at his mother's (boy's grandma) house0.....???

 

 

Idk!! But now I say keep him!! Lol

 

Sad for the boy though. Kids need their parents. That's the part I'm not okay with in this. A good dad would move to the burbs in a two bedroom, instead of giving you money, no??

 

Why can't you all move??

 

I don't get the holdup though. He needs to be divorced.

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He said it's cause she wont sign the damn papers....... He is looking for an apartment for them now near his mom's house. I am not totally comfy with us all moving..and ABSOLUTELY a good dad would certainly move back with his son once again....YES..

Ya know I think I am going to tell him to leave and come back once his divorce is final....Im in turmoil. because he is MARRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG

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He said it's cause she wont sign the damn papers....... He is looking for an apartment for them now near his mom's house. I am not totally comfy with us all moving..and ABSOLUTELY a good dad would certainly move back with his son once again....YES..

Ya know I think I am going to tell him to leave and come back once his divorce is final....Im in turmoil. because he is MARRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG

 

 

You're getting benefits from this, but it's not worth the risk. You might be tying yourself up for years waiting, and he might leave in the meantime. Or never divorce. Don't cheat yourself. If you want more, you have to be not afraid that you'll lose him by leaving. If you do lose him, he wasn't going to stay anyway.

 

I still don't get why she's allowed to not sign! There has to be something amiss here. I'd dig deeper into that.

I'm wondering if he isn't putting it off. He already lied to you? Said he was divorced? That's not okay. Red flag there.

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It's only been 6 weeks. Do not be his bed and breakfast. Don't be that desperate and lonely. Stop acting like a mistress. Let him stay at his own place and deal with his own issues..

 

If you are "dating for marriage" this is not your guy. No, you are not a rebound, you are a mistress, believing the typical married man bs about "my wife doesn't understand me, but won't divorce me". Perhaps she has kicked him out several times before for this type of philandering. Cut your losses.

He is practically a live in boyfriend now. he is married and currently separated from her for 2 years now.He is with me EVERY single night. quite frankly am dating to lead to marriage.

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#3. Slowed my roll a bit??? How long should it have took to begin a relationship/situationship? Im curious to know?

 

If I read your original post correctly, your relationship began Aug 31st? That was 6 weeks ago.

I wouldn't bring a man around my kids for at least the first 6 months, let alone 6 weeks and playing house.

 

That isn't `beginning a relationship' That's putting the cart before the horse.

 

I mentioned the start of my relationship with my then married bf, separated for 2 years?. .we probably only had sex for the first time at 6 weeks. - Not live together.

 

I am not saying my pace is correct but you did ask for advise and a way to make things better, correct?

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Indeed. My intuition is making me dig deeper AND for some I feel that something is about to happen. I can be a Bi*ch and post one of the many photos we have taken together on my social media...Yup I have investigated and seen her page and we have over 50 mutual friends...so Me getting thee message across is easy as 1 2 3. I feel as if that may be the REAL test of what's really happening.--least I will know for certain who is dragging their feet on solidifying the divorce!.

Although his help is really making a huge difference I'd rather struggle and suffer in silence then to settle for a Paramour opposed to a Husband....

Thanks for your insight and although tears are welling up in both eyes....I can't get my heart broken another time.!!!

Thank you for understanding~!

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