Batya33 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 He called! And he said he misses me. i feel so much better know I'm not the only one. Couldn't talk long because of work, but it was enough to make me happy. We may not get back together, but at least I know he had feelings for me, and it wasn't so easy to walk away from as he made it seem. Sounds like that is good for your mood and ego. Time to watch the feet -what he does -not the lips -what he says. Someone who cares about you and wants to be with you would never "forget" about you just because they did not see you in person. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Well I went over to his place and we ended up sleeping together. Things just seemed to go back to normal for a few days...we were hanging out. He was being affectionate etc. But I'm beginning to feel like something has shifted. It seems like he has totally pulled back. Now maybe I am overthinking things, or maybe he has changed the way he feels about me. He doesn't text me goodmorning anymore, doesn't call me sweet names, doesn't text me as much...I know he still cares because of the way he acts when with me, but it feels like he is holding back quite a lot nowadays. I'm wondering if we should talk about it, or should I just let him be? Give him some space? I just want things to go to back to normal, but maybe that is asking for too much right now... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Well I went over to his place and we ended up sleeping together. Things just seemed to go back to normal for a few days...we were hanging out. He was being affectionate etc. But I'm beginning to feel like something has shifted. It seems like he has totally pulled back. Now maybe I am overthinking things, or maybe he has changed the way he feels about me. He doesn't text me goodmorning anymore, doesn't call me sweet names, doesn't text me as much...I know he still cares because of the way he acts when with me, but it feels like he is holding back quite a lot nowadays. I'm wondering if we should talk about it, or should I just let him be? Give him some space? I just want things to go to back to normal, but maybe that is asking for too much right now... If you want a potential relationship with him -meaning a long term relationship then don't choose to have sex while things are still in limbo and uncertain. You didn't end up sleeping with him -you chose to have sex and chose the risks/consequences. He is acting like a person who is enjoying a sexual arrangement with someone he used to be in a relationship with. When he sees you you'll have fun, have sex, hang out. Otherwise you cannot expect him to act like a couple. If you're happy settling for this arrangement then continue -but be honest with yourself about what it is and what it is not. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 Well on Thursday night he met some of my friends and they seemed to get along well. My best friends opinion matters alot to me and she said he was very kind, which also is very important to me in a partner. We had a nice dinner and played some games after. It was very comfortable and overall very positive. After they left we had a conversation about where we stand, and he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I was elated, and felt like a giddy school girl. Things have improved immensely since then. We get along well, and he seems to be more comfortable and is opening up more. We aren't able to see eachother as much as I would like due to distance, but I think once a week is not terrible for the beginning of a relationship. Maybe it will keep things from moving too quickly, and keep things fresh for longer. All in all I'm feeling good about how things are currently, and I'm excited to see how things unfold. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 What a great update! Thanks Batya for your support Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted November 10, 2018 Author Share Posted November 10, 2018 Spent last night at his. It was lovely :) cooked dinner, watched a show and cuddled. However, I'm finding it difficult to sleep. Last night I woke up many times throughout the night and just couldn't get back to sleep. It happens at my place too, so I don't think it's because of him necessarily. The other night at my place I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall asleep for at least an hour. I'm finding it's starting to impact my daily activities. Perhaps it's because I am changing beds so often. I go between my place, his place and my parents. I sleep best at my parents, where I grew up. Not sure what is going on with my sleeping schedule but I need to do something about it soon. I'm thinking of maybe going to the gym in the evening to tire myself out. I know I am also a very light sleeper and the slightest sounds will prevent me from falling asleep. On another note, taking my mom to see the new Queen movie tonight. I've heard lots of good things about it and I know shes excited. Sometimes it's difficult juggling my family, friends and new relationship, especially since I'm only home on weekends. But I'm hoping with time it will get easier. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 Feeling so conflicted lately. There are cracks starting to show in facade that begin to worry me. I can't help but feel something is off, and my gut is telling me that there is something wrong. I am not a meek or submissive woman by nature, but I feel he is trying to mold me into one. I am not allowed to disagree with him, and if I do it becomes this huge fight, where I believe that it could just be a simple discussion about how our views differ. A friend recently told me that you can tell alot about how much a person truly respects you by the way they argue with you. When we argue he is quite condescending, and can be very domineering. Making me feel small, and like I am being chastised, or being taught a lesson. This has only happened twice, but it was enough to really make me question who I am in a relationship with. A friend last night read to me the traits of a narcissist, which largely matches up. He doesn't possess all the traits, but a majority. And she read to me the personality traits of Echo, which definitely resonated with me. It's still early to tell if this is really whats going on, but I'm definitely on guard and feeling like I can't trust him or who he is anymore. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 What do you argue about, when do you argue, how do you communicate with him when you argue? I would not play at therapist here. It's a waste of time. Get down to basics -no need to diagnose, just stick with the facts and what is actually happening. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Well the arguments vary. Last night he got very upset with me because when we spoke and he asked me what I did when I got home I simply said "nothing". Apparently this was very vague and not how I usually answered. I tried to call today to smooth things over but he told me that I am acting like I don't know what I did wrong. And that whatever he says goes in one ear and out the other. Repeatedly telling me my answer was very vague and asking why was I so vague etc... acting like he didn't believe me. I suppose he is upset because I wasn't able to call him back for a couple of hours as I was cooking/cleaning/catching up with my roommate etc. But I still feel like his anger is completely out of proportion. He ended the conversation very angrily and hung up on me. Prior to this I was asking him if he was ok as I felt he was being kind of distant. There were some family issues so I assumed it was that and I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I am just totally confused. These random arguments leave me feeling like I am going crazy. He keeps telling me I know what I am doing and that I should stop playing dumb, but I truly cannot understand why he gets so upset with things that I don't think are that serious... I feel like I'm losing my mind. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 That's not really an argument and more him nitpicking at you and making mountains out of molehills. Had you promised to return his call at a certain time? He sounds very insecure and ultrasensitive and like you have to walk on eggshells. I wouldn't like it. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 Yesterday we broke up, and this time, for good. We went on vacation, and I thought it was going to be wonderful. I was excited for weeks. In my mind a vacation is a wonderful way to connect, and a time for couples to be happy and affectionate. He was the opposite of this. He would barely kiss me, would rarely hold my hand, it was like we were friends. I was so confused, and hurt. I felt rejected over and over. I tried to talk to him about it, but he got defensive, and angry when I did. I asked him why he was being so distant, and he just replied with: sorry you feel that way. And then he shut down. I kept seeing happy couples around me, and I realized we would never be one of them. He would never give me what I wanted in a relationship. From day one this has been an issue. I have always felt that he was cold, and unemotional. And I guess he was tired of talking about it, and I was tired of feeling unloved. Yesterday it all came out, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I feel like I lost so much of my enthusiasm from the relationship after realizing that, I don't really think he ever genuinely loved me. I think he loved having someone there, and being able to call someone, or have someone to spend weekends with. But I don't know if he ever really loved me as a person. He didn't act, or do the things one does when in love. He didn't seem to really care about me as a person. I didn't want to believe it, but the signs were there all along. In response to all this, he said I was ungrateful and I would never be happy. I would always be miserable because that's just who I am. And on top of all that that I am a horrible person. It hurt so much to hear that from someone I tried so hard to make happy. I may be a lot of things, but I do not believe I am a horrible person. No one has ever accused me of that before. My closest friends all know I have a good heart. It was just such a hurtful thing to say. I told him I wanted to end things amicably, but he said it was not possible with a person like me. I'm still feeling kind of numb today. Not happy, not sad. Just in this weird middle state of uncertainty. I know I did the right thing, because I have tried to talk about this many times throughout 4 months, and nothing has changed. He just gets upset and tells me I am always complaining and I always want more. But all I really wanted was to feel loved. I didn't feel that way with him the majority of the time. We of course had some good times, but lately the feeling of rejection has been so unbearable that I just had to get out. Who knows maybe I will never be happy with someone, but I hope that is not true. I hope I find someone who makes me feel secure and loved. I hope there is someone out there that does not need me to ask them for a kiss, or to hold my hand, or to just be...vulnerable. He has rarely been that with me. I was hoping it was something that would change with time, but I am beginning to see, that is just who he is. He is not comfortable being serious, emotional or vulnerable. And I had to accept that as something I am not able to overlook in a relationship, and try to move on. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Do you think maybe you had unrealistic expectations about the vacation? Going away can be stressful, traveling can be stressful and of course you take yourselves with you - you're not transformed into different people because of geography. I agree he should not have been as distant and cold. I also wonder if he felt pressured to live up to your image of what a couples vacation "should" be. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 He sounds as an a-hole. It sounds like he was a narcissist and always trying to force you to be what he wanted you to be and anything less was not good enough. Then he says you're a horrible person? Nope..it's him, not you. You dodged a bullet, truly, you did. I hope when you meet someone again, that they will be much better for you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 He sounds as an a-hole. It sounds like he was a narcissist and always trying to force you to be what he wanted you to be and anything less was not good enough. Then he says you're a horrible person? Nope..it's him, not you. You dodged a bullet, truly, you did. I hope when you meet someone again, that they will be much better for you. I agree with this as well and did not mean to excuse his jerky behavior, and was wondering why you were so focused on what a couples vacation "should" be like -I get that social media etc describes it that way -and all the couples resort ads but...... not real life. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 Do you think maybe you had unrealistic expectations about the vacation? Going away can be stressful, traveling can be stressful and of course you take yourselves with you - you're not transformed into different people because of geography. I agree he should not have been as distant and cold. I also wonder if he felt pressured to live up to your image of what a couples vacation "should" be. Perhaps, I did. I thought it would be romantic. And I know this is something he is not capable of or willing to be. He has actually said this to me before, but I didn't listen. He said he was not a romantic guy and never would be. And if that is what I want then I should find someone else. His words, practically verbatim. I am a fool for staying. He wanted me to accept his lack of effort, and not question it. Well I just couldn't anymore... Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 He sounds as an a-hole. It sounds like he was a narcissist and always trying to force you to be what he wanted you to be and anything less was not good enough. Then he says you're a horrible person? Nope..it's him, not you. You dodged a bullet, truly, you did. I hope when you meet someone again, that they will be much better for you. Sherry, thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that. And you are not the first to suggest he has narcissistic tendencies. I don't know if he is truly capable of love, because he is so obsessed with himself. He is unable to put anyone's needs above his own. My happiness was irrelevant to him. He was just going to be who he was, and if I didn't like it, I could leave. Any time I tried to address some concerns I had, he would turn it on me. And tell me all I did was complain, and I was never happy. But the problem was that we never did anything to actually address the issues. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 I don't blame you. If it feels bad, move on. Life is too short to try and force happiness. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 I wasted 2.5 years on my ex, he sounds so similar to this guy. Fighting with him, him punishing me, trying to force me to accept HIS downfalls but then blame ME. I did backflips trying to please him and trying to accept less and justify it. Finally I said "enough is enough"...and I left him. I eventually met someone else. And you know what? It's been the best thing in my life! He is so much better for me than ex was. I feel so much calmer, happier. Things don't feel forced anymore and I don't feel on edge anymore. Crossing fingers that you will find the same. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 I hope I find that on day too Sherry. Thank you for sharing that, it gives me some hope Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 There are millions and millions of people in this world..you have lots of hope. Give it time. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Perhaps, I did. I thought it would be romantic. And I know this is something he is not capable of or willing to be. He has actually said this to me before, but I didn't listen. He said he was not a romantic guy and never would be. And if that is what I want then I should find someone else. His words, practically verbatim. I am a fool for staying. He wanted me to accept his lack of effort, and not question it. Well I just couldn't anymore... He acted like a jerk. And at the same time he was honest with you. You have a different view of what effort means. You want someone who wants to act in a romantic way around you - the way you define it. He told you he is not that guy. I know of happy couples where they don't act in a romantic way and they are happy with how they interact. So yes it's a lack of effort to become someone who he is not. I have put in effort in my marriage to change my ways to improve our marriage and family. So I get the notion of putting in effort to make someone else happy and for the good of the relationship. And I also get drawing a line in the sand and saying "you want me to be X and I will never be X." He was honest. And acted like a jerk, too. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Share Posted January 9, 2019 Today I can definitely say I am no longer numb. The good times and memories are hitting me hard. I just have this overwhelming urge to cry. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I have no desire to contact him, and i know I made the right decision, but I am still incredibly sad. Yes we had a lot of issues, but we also had many good times. He made me laugh, and sometimes he made me feel loved. But near the end, the bad just outweighed the good. For the first two days after the breakup I thought: I'm going to be fine, I don't even miss him. But today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have him to call on my work breaks, or on my way to work. I don't have him to hang out with on weekends and watch movies, or to eat crappy food with. I keep being hit with random happy memories, with a person I can't even speak to anymore. With a person who thinks I am horrible and ungrateful. How quickly a relationship can change. How quickly we can go from loving one another to being strangers. Heres hoping this passes soon. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2019 Share Posted January 9, 2019 I also hope it passes soon for you. I am sorry you're going through this. Link to comment
frustrated1 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Share Posted January 9, 2019 Thank you for your continued support Batya. I have made an appointment with a psychologist for next week. I think I need some time and help to work on my self-esteem so I do not continue to pick guys who do not treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Hoping that might help me get out of this pattern. Link to comment
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