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"Perfect guy" but I don't love him


justcuriousy
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I've met a really wonderful guy, he's caring, intelligent, successful and seems to be very serious about me. We have been dating for a while but I don't get butterflies or excited to see him. I feel guilty because he is wonderful and I don't know why I'm like this. I am disappointed because he is the perfect guy but I can't fake the feelings that he has for me.

 

There are a few issues that I have with him, firstly he can be really immature and argumentative. I have spoken to him about this and he just laughs it off.

Secondly the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.

 

I don't know if I'm ever going to love him and I feel terrible about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they like someone but it just isn't working out the way you had hoped?

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firstly he can be really immature and argumentative. I have spoken to him about this and he just laughs it off.

Secondly the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.

 

None of the above sound "really wonderful" nor "perfect". A caring person does not act like that. As for him being intelligent and successful, sadly, there are plenty of people who have these qualities, yet they are awful partners. Imo, you are focusing on his success and intelligence (i.e. the fact that he looks good on paper) to the point that you are trying to silence your intuition. This person is definitely not a perfect guy. Imo, you should trust your instinct and move on.

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OP,

 

The magical wonder that is falling in love either happens, or it does not. It doesn't matter how perfect he is on paper, how attractive, how securely employed, how kind, clever or loving. You either feel IT, or you do not. It's something intangible, indefinable, un-quantifiable. It just IS. It's when you can't eat or sleep and have him on your mind 24/7. It's when your whole body almost convulses on the way to a date. When you see a text from him and your stomach does an 'upside down flip'. When you stand next to him and feel like you're a volcano bursting with lava. When you touch his hand and feel as though you've been electrocuted.

 

Re: sex.. nope, you can't teach someone to 'do it right'. They either do, or they do not. Same goes for kissing. He either CAN or CANNOT kiss in such a way that makes you dripping w**, pardon the sexual reference.

 

In short, I wouldn't waste my time on him. Tell him something polite along the lines of 'I need to work on myself and cannot devote time and headspace to another person' and leave.

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How is he perfect and wonderful if he doesn't take your concerns seriously?

 

There are ways to minimize combativeness and work on poor intimacy, but it sounds as though he's not interested in doing so or thus improving the relationship. I'm not suggesting he's horrible, or even that it's all his fault, but I also don't think he's as amazing as you tell yourself he is.

 

I would be honest and tell him you don't feel you're compatible and do not see a future together. Be kind, but be firm.

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You don't even like the guy in a romantic way and yet you have sex with him, why?

 

Honestly, just to use him? Why continue on with him or get into bed with him when you feel barely anything for him?

 

Thinking he's a nice guy is not enough, you need to end things. Otherwise it just sounds like you're using him.

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Sorry I disagree with above post in regards to sex. People can learn and adapt to one another's sexual 'style' lets say. But him not wanting to please you, or listen to your needs is an issue, and it will only get worse as the relationship progresses. It is a big part of a relationship, and being compatible in this area is quite important to the success of a relationship. He may sound 'perfect' on paper, but you're not getting your physical, or emotional needs met. There is no need to feel guilty, as you cannot force yourself to feel something you simply are not. How long have you been seeing each other by the way? Sometimes feelings can grow, but if you have been giving it a go for a while now, might be best to move on.

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Disagree all you like. but I prefer to actually really like/love the man I am getting intimate with and I know there is butterflies and so on BEFORE we do anything.

 

I don't jump into bed knowing it's already not that great or I'm barely feeling anything.

 

Man, what a confused world we live in.

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It's not about perfect on paper. It's about perfect for you. And that can be a vastly different person than perfect on paper. And it's strange to me that what you point out about his personality and inflexibility in the bedroom doesn't detract from "perfect??" Is the intelligent and successful part what is "perfect"? Caring doesn't jibe with not wanting to try to improve your sex life. And I think the issue is more that you don't feel the click, not the technical aspects of your sex life.

 

Get very honest with yourself on what you think now would be "perfect for you" other than broad generalizations like "makes me happy" or "feeling butterflies". Obviously you need passion and chemistry to make a romantic relationship work. For me for example, I knew I needed someone with an edge -not a "bad boy" (although I chased a few of those in my day) - but someone who I felt was intelligent, intellectually curious, who kept me on my toes but in respectful way -not game playing or manipulative. Who would never be the yes man or the doormat (other than when I was in labor with our child of course lol) - who had a great sense of humor but funny in a way that was compatible with my sense of humor and not relying on sarcasm. Who was really into his work and career and not just a "job" or at least passionate about a hobby or arts-related pursuit. Oh and lots of inside jokes that last for years where you can just reference it with a few words and the other person gets it. And laughs. And yes- financially stable, wanted a family, family-oriented, certain religious-based values, etc.

 

And yes the "click" is often hormonal/heart-based but it's also head based. Meaning if you click with someone who is just not healthy for you long term -or unavailable - then because you know yourself you're able to move on and walk away despite the heart/hormone pull and if you're really in a healthy place the click will fade or not be so important because you are balancing head and heart.

 

I am talking about me but to show you the level of detail -you have to know yourself so you don't end up with just Perfect on Paper or Mr. Right for Now.

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The sex thing is enough to show he's not caring.

 

I once met this guy who seemed perfect both physically and in personality and all perfect in paper. When we got intimate it was very bad and he just said that he didn't like wasting time on forplay and stuff and that he liked going straight to business. I realised we were not compatible and had to break it off.

 

In your case not only you're not sexually compatible and him saying he doesn't have the time to try to make things more pleasant for you? Huge red flag because it can also translate to other areas of your relationship.

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It's funny how you start out saying that he is so perfect and caring and has such love for you and then proceed to describe behavior that is the polar opposite of that, a complete in your face don't give a f/k about you or how you feel or what you want at all situation.

 

Stop telling yourself he is all that and face reality - he is not. In fact his callousness toward you in the bedroom is a red flag big enough to cover this planet. You don't force yourself to stay with someone like that, you run for the hills.

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How long have you been dating? He doesn't sound "perfect" if there is zero chemistry and you don't like his personality or sex with him.

 

This is what dating is for, to see how things evolve and this is simply not working. Tell him it's not working and move on.

We have been dating for a while.

-I don't get butterflies or excited to see him.

-he can be really immature and argumentative.

-the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.

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I've met a really wonderful guy, he's caring, intelligent, successful and seems to be very serious about me. We have been dating for a while but I don't get butterflies or excited to see him. I feel guilty because he is wonderful and I don't know why I'm like this. I am disappointed because he is the perfect guy but I can't fake the feelings that he has for me.

 

There are a few issues that I have with him, firstly he can be really immature and argumentative. I have spoken to him about this and he just laughs it off.

Secondly the sex is really bad, I have offered to show him what I like but he isn't really willing to listen and says he doesn't have "time" to put in for us to improve things.

 

I don't know if I'm ever going to love him and I feel terrible about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they like someone but it just isn't working out the way you had hoped?

 

It just comes down to you two being incompatible.

 

To be honest OP, it's no wonder you're not falling for this guy. I mean, we all have our downfalls and quirks, but the fact that he acts immaturely and is argumentative, and doesn't seem to care about your sexual needs is I'm sure affecting your feelings towards him and preventing you from developing a deeper connection. You've tried to discuss these issues with him and for whatever reason, it sounds like he's just brushing them under the rug.

 

It's super attractive when a man listens, shows that he cares and takes one's feelings into consideration. Effort matters! This guy has listened, but doesn't care enough to alter his behaviour.

 

The best case scenario for you would be to walk away. Can you really see yourself in a long-term relationship with someone like this? Imagine spending the rest of your days in a relationship where your physical needs aren't being met and dealing with someone who's argumentative and immature. Man, I'd rather be alone than commit to someone like that.

 

And whatever you do, don't stay with someone because they seem decent enough, or because they're the only person around who you kinda have an interest in and offers SOME good qualities. There's better out there for you.

 

You're settling, OP; hence your unhappiness in the relationship.

Edited by milly007
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  • 4 months later...
  • 1 month later...

It happens to millions of people every year. It sounds like you are on the fence about him (and he has some issues). When you are on the fence about someone, it really means you are in the freinds' zone - and probably always will be.

 

It's okay, you only need to find one good one. Dust yourself off and get back out there.

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He's selfish when it comes to intimacy and even more red flags are "he can be really immature and argumentative." Then when you try to have a discussion about this, he just laughs it off and never takes you seriously. Never ever be with anyone who lacks emotional intelligence or EQ otherwise they'll make your life miserable for the long term. You can't deal nor interact with immature, argumentative types. Should you try reasoning with him, you'll end up banging your head against the wall out of pure frustration each and every time. Immature, confrontational (argumentative) types never grow up. They act like 2 year olds well into adulthood. It's a lose lose situation with this type of personality and character.

 

Run for the hills! :icon_sad: Both of you are mismatched. Always remember no is "perfect," however, some people are more compatible than others. Since this guy doesn't meet your expectations then don't be with him anymore. He's not for you.

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