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please excuse my vulnerability


bluecastle
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This site has been an unexpected treasure. Came here last year wandering the nuclear wasteland of a breakup, but found solace in getting out of my own head, listening to others, being challenged and chastened by your stories, offering whatever shards of advice I could. There is a level of bravery on here, sometimes intentional, sometimes accidental, that just inspires.

 

I don't really have anything to ask. Or maybe I do. Asking for help is not my strong suit. I get shy. Maybe that's for another post.

 

Guess I got a little lick of heartache, am getting it, and am getting a visceral reminder of that space—so intense, so wild in its refusal to be understood—where the logic of the brain isn't enough to comfort the heart. Where you can have a lot of experience and a decent flare for language, but, yeah, still feel alone. Where you can be 38 and feel 18.

 

That little mystery we're all exploring and mourning and celebrating here.

 

Probably I just want to say I feel a little sad tonight, a little lonelier than I did this morning. My heart hurts and I'm confused. And while I think I can see all the angles pretty clearly, and respond accordingly, it doesn't change that very fragile feeling. It's there. Hurt.

 

I want to be less vague and maybe I'm asking if that's okay, silly as it sounds. And probably I just want to be heard, and hope that's cool.

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Of course it's ok. What you describe is what being human is all about. Seeing all the angles does not remove the pain. You know that. If only it was that easy 🙂 There is no way around grieving a loss. It's a process and it is not a straightforward one. Most of us stumble through it to the other side blindly. Some lucky ones are better at it than others but time and internal processing, each person in their own way and time, seem to be the only common denominators. As you know, things will get better again. One day at a time.

 

P.S. You are 38 and 18. They are all layers. There is an Argentinian author/ psychoanalyst, Jorge Bucay who describes it beautifully.

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Sorry you're feeling down, hope that passes quickly.

 

While your posts have been helpful I hope too that you don't criticize others posts too harshly if they don't happen to be your thoughts or opinions.

 

You're right, it takes loads of bravery to post on this site, asking for advice and giving advice (for all of us). I hope you remember that.

 

Hang in there, we are all learning along the way.

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Sorry this is going on. Anniversary angst happens and it's unconscious as the time of year rolls around with all it's reminders.

Came here last year wandering the nuclear wasteland of a breakup. I feel a little sad tonight, a little lonelier than I did this morning. My heart hurts and I'm confused.
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It's easy to spot the ones who post with anger and hurt, whether current or from years ago, and you're not one of them. Your posts are educated, informing, practical,and helpful. You have a heart, you advise with knowledge, and you help more people than you realize. Maybe sometimes you need a little of that same compassion in return. I hope you feel better .

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Sorry this is going on. Anniversary angst happens and it's unconscious as the time of year rolls around with all it's reminders.

 

Not anniversary angst. Thankfully, that relationship is largely out of the system. I spent 8-9 months just being single, processing, living, feeling, not dating.

 

But I'd met someone recently, 2.5 months ago, who surprised me and got under my skin in all the right ways. We've been having a blast, but I think it's coming to an end.

 

And that's okay, I know. Gives me things to think about—and to feel—and at the end of the day I don't think you can really ask for more.

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Not anniversary angst. Thankfully, that relationship is largely out of the system. I spent 8-9 months just being single, processing, living, feeling, not dating.

 

But I'd met someone recently, 2.5 months ago, who surprised me and got under my skin in all the right ways. We've been having a blast, but I think it's coming to an end.

 

And that's okay, I know. Gives me things to think about—and to feel—and at the end of the day I don't think you can really ask for more.

 

I'm sorry to hear this new person is not working out. How come?

 

I know one thing: no matter what age you are, you always have the capacity to learn new things. In life, you continually gain new knowledge, experience, and feelings. Hurt is one feeling that can serve you well, or plummet you into depression. Other people can put you through the wringer, although your ability to persevere over it comes from within yourself. Hurt is all relative, whether you are recovering from a bad partner or escaping a warzone. Our own perception can make these two senarios feel like the same thing.

 

Take all of your pain and turn it into something positive, rather than dwell on it. We are all human and make mistakes. It is a true tragedy not to learn from them. Keep hacking away at the pieces of you and put yourself back together. Perhaps you may need more time. If you do it constructively, then it helps progress your healing. Don't be hard on yourself.

 

You told me once in my most recent post, something that made me think after my ex finally left me alone; that under his caveman-like exterior, there is a person hurting. You and I both have/had people who we needed to leave. Both have hurt us greatly, even after the break. While in the line of fire, you think "why does this person I loved so much, who loved me, keep hurting me? Stop, my heart is breaking". It is hard to see, but they do it because they are hurting. They want you to know it and experience what they are feeling; they are projecting. Misery loves company, and as long as you entertain it they will further hurt you.

 

It can be hard to simply cut a relationship off completely after the split, however it is a mercy to do it sooner, rather than later. Hate and love are on the same spectrum of emotions, so it is best to be swift about heading straight towards the exit, despite wanting to stay behind to help make it better. If you stay, then you both will be the collateral, even with the best of intentions. Know that an icy and jagged exterior serves as a protective wall in order to seek some solace in.

 

Thank you for being here. Best wishes to you.

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But met someone recently, 2.5 months ago, who surprised me and got under my skin in all the right ways. We've been having a blast, but I think it's coming to an end.

 

And that's okay, I know. Gives me things to think about—and to feel—and at the end of the day I don't think you can really ask for more.

 

Hi bc, I'm sorry to hear you're having a lonely night. Had plenty of those myself, still do!

 

And I understand the vulnerability -- expressing deep painful emotions, asking for help. Even on an anonymous forum, exposing oneself in that way can trigger a whole new different set of emotions! Anxiety, fear of being judged, and yeah the vulnerability.

 

Especially for those who tend to contain their emotions, choosing to deal internally. I understsnd that all too well, and even though I've created my fair share of threads, I've also asked mods to lock or delete, or now that I am a forum supporter, deleting myself. So I get it.

 

By sharing with us what you just did above, you stuck your toe in. Albeit ever so slightly, but it's in. As you can see by all the positive encouragement you have received, it's not so bad is it.

 

Now stick another toe in, maybe several toes! Your entire foot! You have helped others, let us help you.

 

Challenge yourself, step out of your safe comfort zone, you may be surprised to learn how freeing that can be!

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Thank YOU, yatsue.

 

The new person was not a rebound. I'd mourned, flailed, dwelled, and felt. Whereas in the past I've certainly done plenty of rebound-ish stuff in the form of flingy stuff, I've gotten to the place where I realize that "flingy stuff" is connected to some of the other stuff that has gotten in the way of the sort of partnership I'm ultimately seeking. So I traveled a lot, worked a lot, connected with friends, with my therapist. A painful chapter, sure, but even at the worst I knew I was growing, learning, getting more in touch with myself.

 

As for the new person, like everything it's either simple or complicated. And maybe not completely over. We'll see. Trying to hold that place of uncertainty and discomfort without reacting.

 

But it might be that we're in more different places in our lives than I thought, or governed by different temperaments. And of course I know that after only three months, no matter how fierce the connection, there's still so much we don't know—that space where our hopes and projections end and another person begins. I can't stress enough how cautious I am when it comes to relationships—realistic to a fault. I'm open with talking about feelings, and decent at it, but I keep my cards close to my chest.

 

She's 29, so about ten years younger than me, which I didn't know when we met. That gave me some pause, having spent a lot of time confronting the fact that all of my serious relationships, beginning at 23, have been with women in their mid-20s. Plenty of growth, but also, yeah, a way of sidestepping some needed growth. She has quite the past: drug problems as a teenager, a short and fiery marriage in her mid-20s, experiences on all sides of infidelity—red flags to many, I know, but what I found so relatable and inspiring was the grace and humor with which she carries herself and owns herself. A grounded quality. Lots of therapy. An intimate relationship with her demons had put her on the path of keeping them at bay.

 

No drugs and divorce in my rearview mirror, but plenty of fires and a restlessness that has brought me a lot of joy, financial and creative success, but no shortage of tumult in romance, including infidelity. So it was a bit of that feeling of finding a fellow traveler, someone with their darker impulses in check because they've seen what happens when they take over. It was all so effortless, but it was also so radically honest. We could talk openly about things like still swiping around on apps early on—out of curiosity, ego, a juvenile way of tempering the fear of getting into something serious. We kept things undefined, but intentional. We allowed space to build trust, to accept that it takes time. Tricky lines, but lines that were really special to walk, or try to walk.

 

But then came a recent about-face, a turning cool, a hostility creeping in. It started after a trip we took to Asia. In Thailand we met up with some friends of mine, a couple, and when it came out that the woman and I had had a thing many years ago she got upset. I have friendships with women I've dated—we can talk about that in another post—and I'm more than aware that it's not easy.

 

But, again, the fellow traveler stuff. I mean, this was a woman who was talking to me about still swiping around, about not needing monogamy right away. She slept with someone else the same week we started sleeping together, and I liked that she was honest about it. I'm the opposite of possessive. She seemed to be the same, so while I understand she was upset the reaction was a touch bewildering. She just kind of shut down, and also acted out in a brash manner.

 

There's plenty more to this story, as there always is. But the gist is that she's just shutting down. She's aware of it, talks about it, but talks about it with a certain aggression, fatalism, and a new judgmental streak toward me. She says she feels "threatened" in the relationship. It's like a lot of what she first liked about me—I am a free-spirited dude with a big crazy life and career—has become unlikeable, or at least "threatening." And mind you I've been monogamous throughout, have told her I'm not exploring anything else, and am ready to have the exclusive talk. I mean, I'm in! Cards away from chest.

 

The inner shrink in me sees someone scared and self-sabotaging a bit, or maybe I'm just seeing shades of my own past self. It's given me plenty to think about, and I'm excited as always to use this as a way to better understand myself. Still, it's hard when someone shuts down. It just is. I'd love to be able to offer something, and my big ol' ego would love to save the day, but it feels like I'm confronting something inside of her as much as something that's transpired between us to derail things.

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bc, thanks for sharing!

 

Briefly, I am very VERY much like your gf, and at the risk of projecting, I can tell you, in the early stages, before we've become too deeply invested, emotionally, physically, spiritually, it's quite easy and effortless to maintain our internal status quo.

 

In her case, agreeing (sincerely) with the open, non-monogomous nature of your relationship. Keeping the apps open, still swiping. Being 100% okay with your being friends with your ex's, all of it!

 

It wasn't an act I promise you!

 

But once we start allowing those deep emotions to enter our hearts and souls, becoming invested, that can all change. Expectations start rearing their heads. Jealousy, resentment, even anger.

 

Hence the shut down. It's a defense mechanism against getting hurt.

 

Please know it's not a bait and switch, she's just starting to "care." Dare I say falling in love?? Which can really throw us for a loop if we're not emotionally prepared for it.

 

Perhaps more than she expected, more than she wants even! Especially if she is as free-spirited as you have described.

 

I have more to say but bf and I are heading to mountains in a few, and running late.

 

Again, I could of course be projecting but my sense is there is at least some truth to it.

 

My advice? Don't push (not that you would doesn't seem like your style), introduce some space.

 

Space is your biggest friend right now in my opinion.

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Yeah, K. I hear you.

 

She has hardly been shy about expressing those feelings, including the feeling of falling in love. I think we both had that feeling, early, but maybe slightly different attitudes about it. She has said those words to a lot of men, after a short time. I have said them to very few women, after a lot of time. So she has been the more verbally expressive on the feelings front, but I've hardly been cagey. I've spent a ton of time with her, met her mom, took her to the desert, to a home I have in another city, to Southeast Asia when a work trip came up. And while I'm not pouring out "I love you"s, I simply admire the sh*t out of her and say it often, freely, happily.

 

Jealousy, resentment, anger: yes, yes, and yes. Suddenly when I see her she is always in a bad mood, venting. Dismissive when I try to talk about anything, be it my work, her work, the tragedy unfolding in the Senate. She will talk for an hour about drama with her friends, but when I mentioned a friend of mine wanting something for her boyfriend—something that I could send in the mail—the response I get is, "You and your women." Just a sudden reinforcing of some idea of me rather than an openness to understand.

 

I know it's not a bait and switch. I don't feel "had." She is a person, like me, full of magic and complexities and sharp edges.

 

Space and I are longtime friends; we go way back, as the kids say. That's what I've been trying to do. Mixed results. Haven't pushed to hang out. But then, like yesterday, she asks to meet for a happy hour cocktail. And we do. But the moment she shows up she is just in a terrible mood, distant, almost as if the point of meeting up was to assert the distance. Which lead to an eventual hard talk. More of the "threat" stuff.

 

Somewhere in there I'm seeing a lot of insecurities. A sense that she doesn't "measure up," which has come up in subtle ways early. Maybe it was partly the combo of the home visit and the Asia trip—seeing more of my life, longtime friends scattered around the world, what my career has built. I don't know. I don't mean that to sound arrogant. She's very successful too, though younger. And there's just this sudden urge to put me down, to attack a bit.

 

So, yeah, space. It's given. That's the easy part for me. For better or worse, I come across as someone who can pick up and leave anything, because I can. I don't, but I can, if that makes sense.

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”She will talk for an hour about drama with her friends, but when I mentioned a friend of mine wanting something for her boyfriend—something that I could send in the mail—the response I get is, "You and your women." Just a sudden reinforcing of some idea of me rather than an openness to understand.”

 

Yes, this was sarcastic and snarky (and quite immature) and clearly indicates she has an issue with your female friends who also happen to be your ex’s in some cases. It may even go deeper than that, in fact I suspect it does. Her resentment/anger is building.

 

Question 1: How did you respond when she made that comment? Did you challenge her on it? That might have been a good time to dig a bit deeper and get to the heart of the matter, that being what is causing her sudden downward spiral into resentment, distrust, anger. I would have!

 

Question 2: Where do you draw the line with these friends? Do you still have sex occasionally presuming neither of you is involved with anyone else? A FWB type situation?

 

I only ask cause you talk quite openly about your sexually-open, free-spirted, non-monogomous nature, you have even defended “cheating” on a few occasions. Not condoning by any stretch, but rather an understanding that most others would never even consider.

 

Re this RL, you’ve talked for months how it remains open, free, non-exclusive, undefined. But in this thread you’ve said you’re ready for that next step, exclusivity.

 

Does she know this?

 

I have often quoted something my dad said to me many years ago when I was hopping from one man, one relationship, to the other.

 

I have no idea if this will resonate with you, but on the off chance it might, he said....

 

Kat, you keep telling me you need a challenge, that your relationships don’t challenge you. Why don’t you try ‘standing still’ with one person for a while, that might very well be the biggest challenge you will ever face in your entire life.”

 

For a while easier said than done! But I finally “got it.” I started challenging myself in new and different ways, challenging my thought process, my internal status quo. I still challenge myself, and don't want to ever stop challenging myself!

 

You’ve been “you” for a very long time and it’s comfortable for you. However, from what you've shared, at least how I interpret it, it appears being you is causing you to struggle in your romantic relationships, not having found anything that “sticks”. Complicated, at times volatile.

 

Just a thought but how about challenging yourself to a new way of thinking? A new and different way of viewing relationships and gasp -- “commitment”?

 

I am constantly challenging my thought process, and doing so has allowed me to learn, grow and evolve, and of course has resulted in my having what may be the best RL of my life. Certainly not without its challenges and ups and downs but we've managed to work through them.

 

He challenges me in so many ways it scares me sometimes, and I have wanted to run many times. But made the conscious decision not to although I do admit, it would have been the easier choice at the time -- my typical MO when this happens.

 

Anyway, I hope this didn’t come off as too “preachy” bc. Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. Just wanted to give you some thoughts to consider going forward tis all.

 

I hope it all works out! Keep us posted.

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B, you are so thoughtful and articulate. I do not know you, but what comes through in between the lines is a very mature and insightful man.

 

I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but no matter how much you are taken with this woman, what seemed like a straight line in the beginning is now showing it's divide. It's pretty typical timing, 2.5 months in. (I have just learned to expect it)

 

There is wisdom in your years that she doesn't quite have. Her insecurities are running the show at the moment and remains to be seen if she can reel them in. But this side of her is a big part of who she is.

 

I get the disappointment when you consider letting go of something you've become invested in. We are at our highest highs and most hopeful in the beginning. It becomes a long to way fall.

 

In the end, remember . .things work out the way they are supposed to.

No matter what, you have what it takes to come out the other side having learned a few more things about yourself and the next time on the plate you will have a better idea of what you want.

 

I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

Spend a few moments reconsidering exactly what you do want and don't settle.

 

(bytheway, I've always found the traveling is a great beta test for new relationships. Things tend flush up to the surface much quicker)

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Keep it coming, K. Your warmth and perspective is really inspiring. If only I could figure out your gift for brevity.

 

I can so relate to what your father said, to say nothing of the constant challenge to keep turning the prism to see ourselves from new angles, shift the way we think and react, and in the process do that crazy thing known as growing. I have a lot of flaws. But I am an eager student.

 

Q1. Well, it's complicated. It was not graceful, how this all came up. When she was voicing concerns about the woman in Bangkok, I got a little defensive, but in a "chill" way, as "chill" is both my default coping mechanism and my natural temperament (and something, yes, that could use some more challenging). I said something like, "It was long ago, and we became friends. It's no different than [person x] whose house I'm moving into when we get back. We had a thing too."

 

Yes, I'm cringing at myself writing those words. Yes, I was probably a bit more on edge with the non-monogamy stuff than I was allowing (more on that in a moment). And, yeah, it didn't help that right after the Asia trip I had to stay on the road for work, so there was a good amount of stewing and storytelling on her end, to the point where she was going on Bumble and going on a date to get under my skin. (Red flag spotted, currently in observation mode, knowing mine have made a cameo, too.)

 

So, no, I didn't challenge; I flailed (on the inside). I tried to soothe in a very clumsy and non-soothing way. And I've tried to express all this, but it's hitting the shield. Her feelings were hurt, and she reacted by hurting mine. Tension. I took a deep breath. My inner dumb dude got the best of me—I owned that, apologized. And so did she. I tried to explain the more vulnerable truth which is that I'm renting this home in order to stay in this city in order (in large part) to pursue this relationship that I am over the moon about and also freaked out about. And I'm in this house because my friend is on the other side of the country, not in the second bedroom. Still, the simmer is there. She is not fond of my housing situation, as it speaks to...

 

Q2. I have done a lot of reflecting (and, sure, deflecting) about my relationships with women over the years. Takes a while to learn to look in the mirror. This past week especially has been humbling and enlightening. I haven't liked everything I've seen—more gray hairs, so to speak, than I knew—but I'm happy to be seeing it and grateful of this relationship and this woman for the challenge. She is whip-smart, razor-sharp. She can run circles around me, and I love watching.

 

I crave intimacy and connection, and am "good" at forging it pretty quickly with people. It's connected to what I do for a living. I'm curious, I'm warm, I ask a lot of questions, I cut quick to personal topics, and I'm decent at helping people untangle their feelings. I'm also a flirt.

 

I have a pattern, or did in my 20s and early 30s, of quickly connecting with women, quickly escalating the connection to sex/romance, followed by a kind of mutual, affectionate fade out. No ill-will, or a smidge of ill-will. I've probably been the one to buckle first, the one who is not fully "present." I guess you could say I need to establish the friendship connection early, in order to be intimate, but I don't quite know how to braid them. Or haven't always, thanks in part to a deep reservoir of childhood trauma. So out of that early, brief romance comes a friendship that can flourish without the pressure of romance. If that makes sense. Some "player" tendencies, but also a real and respected connection.

 

So the line is clear: friends. Are there women I collide with here and there when we're both single and feel like being a touch self-destructive in a "safe" space? Many years ago, yes. But I've shed those, realizing they were not serving me. Better to sit still, as your father says. Better to learn to live without the constant charge in the air, or find that charge elsewhere, inside and in hobbies that aren't destructive to the pursuit of deep romance. Still, those bad patterns lead to some good friendships. I'd like to find a way for them to not be a threat, and hope I haven't bungled this opportunity.

 

As for non-monogamy, to use a term that makes me itchy: I wouldn't quite classify this, or any, of my relationships quite like that. What I want is pretty conventional: partnership, monogamy. It's the path to that where I like some rules to be expanded, some realities acknowledged rather than suppressed. Minus a dark chapter in my 20s, I've been a faithful boyfriend when committed. And a pretty decent boyfriend, but I've kept the cards close to my chest required for partnership. It took me a long time to understand those cards, or to begin to. I'm learning to show them. To be more vulnerable. And to pick people who can challenge me me to show them...

 

So, with her, does she know I'm ready to be exclusive? Yes. I told her so last week.

 

I told her it's what I've wanted since day one because it's what I wanted before I met her. I was not the one swiping on apps, but the one understanding the impulse, allowing some space for it. Same with sleeping with someone else. I liked the idea of allowing someone to do whatever they want, to not feel hemmed in, and for commitment and monogamy to fall into place organically. I liked the conversations that came out of that, the safe space to see and reveal, and I just don't subscribe to the idea that three great dates with someone needs to cancel out all interest in what's out there.

 

Lofty, yeah. And probably less "woke" than I think, and maybe more an extension of my own fears of being close and getting hurt. Easy to talk in poetics, harder to say, "I am falling for you and I am scared, but more scared than excited and just want to do you and me and see what happens."

 

Just as it's easier to point to her sabotaging instincts, without seeing how mine crept in, too.

 

What to do now? Not sure. Last night she spoke with hostility and an edge of finality. Little warmth, lots of sarcastic barbs. I know this little power struggle edge; I don't want to play on it very long. This morning I get a sweet text about a concert for my birthday, a little poking reach-out about her "no liking the idea of not being able to talk." Hedgy stuff, the stuff of eggshells, if we're not careful.

 

I really like this woman. I just like who she is in the world, and want to be in the world alongside her. And it might be as simple as I am in a spot I'm not used to, which is being the one more ready to keep stepping forward together than she is.

Edited by bluecastle
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B, you are so thoughtful and articulate. I do not know you, but what comes through in between the lines is a very mature and insightful man.

 

I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but no matter how much you are taken with this woman, what seemed like a straight line in the beginning is now showing it's divide. It's pretty typical timing, 2.5 months in. (I have just learned to expect it)

 

There is wisdom in your years that she doesn't quite have. Her insecurities are running the show at the moment and remains to be seen if she can reel them in. But this side of her is a big part of who she is.

 

I get the disappointment when you consider letting go of something you've become invested in. We are at our highest highs and most hopeful in the beginning. It becomes a long to way fall.

 

In the end, remember . .things work out the way they are supposed to.

No matter what, you have what it takes to come out the other side having learned a few more things about yourself and the next time on the plate you will have a better idea of what you want.

 

I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

Spend a few moments reconsidering exactly what you do want and don't settle.

 

(bytheway, I've always found the traveling is a great beta test for new relationships. Things tend flush up to the surface much quicker)

 

Thanks for the kind words and wisdom.

 

I agree that there are insecurities creeping in that might be more than I can handle. I've got my own, of course, but I have a decent grip on them. And I know that empathy and understanding for someone's insecurities can't be the stuff of a relationship. Tried that. Didn't go well.

 

I'm listening to my spirit, and I know it needs more nourishment than its getting. I'm listening to hers, too, and looking for ways I can nourish while staying true to myself.

 

The answers are coming, and I do know that I'll be fine regardless of the outcome. For better or worse, that is something I've built in myself since I was a teenager.

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Well. . another way to look at it is that working through a conflict often times brings us closer. You two are both being very vulnerable and testing each other.

 

Yes, exactly. And we're both aware of this, the raw nerves, the testing, not all of it graceful. Because, well, humans.

 

I see this as an exciting moment, one where we twist and turn a bit and get deeper. But I think she's a bit on the fence, more in the hyperventilating state. And part of that is other things going on in her life—places of instability that seemed to be more stable. Work, money.

 

Which is where the nine years between us might be too much. I'm hardly stable on the work/money front in a traditional sense. My career is just bonkers—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Constant hustle. But I've been doing it a long time, so I'm less weathered by the moments when I feel like a total imposter vs when I feel I'm "killing it." The truth is somewhere in between, credit card bills get paid, savings saved. She's very much killing it too, but it's a newer battle, a bit more volatile.

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What to do now? Not sure. Last night she spoke with hostility and an edge of finality. Little warmth, lots of sarcastic barbs. I know this little power struggle edge; I don't want to play on it very long. This morning I get a sweet text about a concert for my birthday, a little poking reach-out about her "no liking the idea of not being able to talk." Hedgy stuff, the stuff of eggshells, if we're not careful.

 

I really like this woman. I just like who she is in the world, and want to be in the world alongside her. And it might be as simple as I am in a spot I'm not used to, which is being the one more ready to keep stepping forward together than she is.

 

How far away is your birthday?

 

If it is a couple of weeks away, maybe say yes to the concert, and set it up.

 

Then give her some space until then. Let her contact you if she wants to, and be nice if she does.

 

I agree, you are being tested. Remember, she was attracted to the you of 2.5 months ago - don't get needy now. As you said - "while staying true to myself".

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My birthday is Tuesday, so it was just like a mishmash. Large block texts about needing to sort things out, mixed in with x, y, z that I did wrong. Expressions about feeling threatened, about not having space for romance, about wanting to step back. But, yeah, concert in four days?

 

Something didn't feel right. My spirit sensed it. I'm open to it coming around, in a different shape, but not open to further engaging in this dynamic.

 

I told her, nicely, that the concert doesn't sound like the best timing. That I wish her the best, but need a minute to just be sad.

 

So much work to do. I'm trying. Thanks everyone for listening.

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I like your attitude. Just step back a bit. If she's hyperventilating, the worst thing you can do is try to talk her through it rationally. This has nothing to do with reason. Her reasons, I think they don't mean much to be honest. They are concerns, obviously, but how she's bringing them all up at once seems more like an emotional reaction from her. She might be falling for you while thinking you're not the right guy for her. It happens. If she insists, just say that you think it's probably a good idea to give each other some breathing time and space to put things into perspective. Space rarely leads to reconciliation but I'm not sure there's a second option right now.

 

I'm afraid the 'wish you the best' has a sound of finality to it though? I'm afraid she could be indeed testing you, and maybe you telling her you're sad and affected by it could make her think you failed the test. But then again, who wants to be tested like that, and so early?

 

The PUAs would say that you should remain calm, unaffected and act like there's a lot more to your life than her. Be like a 'mountain' emotionally. I agree with that but at some point I also agree that it hurts a bit to have someone turning themselves at us our of nowhere like that when everything seemed fine. It's like they have a switch and all the things she liked in you kind of become everything she hates in you in a flick of a switch.

 

Also, this seemed a bit too rushed for 2.5 months? Like meeting family, travelling together, 'love you's here and there, talking too much about feelings. Usually these romances that start with that intensity, they just crash and burn as quickly. You said you're not on the rebound but could she be? Also, you might not be on the rebound directly, but the other day you posted that you got in touch with an ex you really liked and she was telling about her family, kids... Maybe you're going all in too quick because you're craving the same? You say you usually take long to say the love word but said quite quickly this time...

 

I was in a similar situation an year ago and I seemed to have 'failed' the test. But then again, not sure if this was a test I would benefit from passing in the first place. She turned out to be emotionally unavailable, which in my opinion could explain your girl's behaviour too. The whole 'taking a step back' thing...

 

Maybe it's a good time for you to reflect if this can truly lead you to a healthy relationship if she's bringing so many issues so early. Maybe it's time for you to think if you two are truly compatible or if you're just enjoying the honeymoon phase as we all do. Hope you sort this out the best way possible.

Edited by Morello
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