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I am really struggling from a breakup that I should be moved on from


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I don't think age had anything to do with it at all. I think she just wasn't feeling it. It just wasn't working for her. Incompatible. Nothing more (imo).

Kudos to her for being upfront and telling you straight that she's sorry but she doesn't see a long term relationship with you. At least you know where you stand.

 

You may be right. I'm not owed anything but I do wish I knew what it was that made her see we were unfit if it just was a compatible issue. We shared so many common interests and had similar beliefs on almost every topic.

 

But this is my vantage point. Maybe her reasons would have hurt me to hear and out of respect, she didn't voice them.

 

I know that speculation isn't healthy, but I usually see breakups a mile away, whether it be friends or my own and this one seemed so strong until it wasn't that last week and I never really knew why.

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What stood out to me in your post were things like she was love bombing you, running super hot to suddenly super cold, abrupt about face after she went to some party, prior history of toxic relationships.

 

Either she met someone at that party who is a bigger better deal, or she is not anywhere near as stable and mature as you think, so she dumped you not because of age or lack of stability, but perhaps because you were way too normal and stable for her. When I was younger, I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that people who engage in toxic relationships are actually very much damaged themselves and actively enjoy and seek that out. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know they exist and the choices they make are confusing and messed up no matter how you look at it and not worth sorting or worrying about. Some people just have a taste for toxic drama and if you are normal, they just can't be with you as odd as that sounds.

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Sorry about the pain, buddy.

 

You can keep wracking your brain about this—and you will, that's normal—but at the end of the day you have to just accept that her feelings changed. And that, really, has nothing to do with you, your age, or anything you did or did not do. That's just her lens on the world right now, just like you have your own. Both are awesome. You respect her, which very sadly means you can only respect that, much as it hurts.

 

The fact that she was concerned about your age early—that sucks, but it's pretty typical. It means that somewhere in her mind she likely already saw herself with someone a little older, more established, more ready to settle down, not just in spirit, as you are, but in practice, having a bit more of the foundation in place. And that's typical too, in ways serious and superficial. It's one thing to always dream of being with a blonde but find yourself head over heels for a brunette—that's an easy adjustment, unless you have no soul. But it's another to imagine a certain kind of life and fall for someone with whom that doesn't seem possible on your timeline.

 

And, no, that does not mean she "used" you as a placeholder until the right thing came along. She liked you, cared about you, and loved, as she said. She probably hoped those early doubts would go away—that was her affection for you. But, alas, they didn't. And that's not your fault, and has nothing to do with how you live with your dog. It's just that she decided that she wanted something you couldn't provide.

 

I'm not a woman, but I know enough of them to know that 30 can be a tough time, as it is for most people. Ten seconds ago she was your age, but suddenly it seems like in ten more seconds she'll be 40. Which, well, is kind of how life feels a lot of the time, and there are realities of female biology that can't be denied and don't apply to men the same way. Things that were semi-abstract for you when she met you—kids, a home—might have become more urgent, to the point where she worried that more emotional investment would narrow her time to explore her deepest needs.

 

It's such a bummer. I feel for you. But I think you'll see, as you process and accept this, that you don't want to be drastically changing YOUR life, and altering YOUR journey, to escalate things like homeownership and children on your own timeline. There is someone else out there for you who also wants kids "one day," but doesn't need to talk about that "today." And while you haven't met that person yet, when you will you'll likely feel even more secure than you did with your ex.

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You may be right. I'm not owed anything but I do wish I knew what it was that made her see we were unfit if it just was a compatible issue.

It could be anything. I know that ...(speaking for myself only here) when I see words like: "I always bought her gifts, took her on trips, and was almost overly nice to her" I would find that rather smothering. Almost like you're overdoing things. Trying too hard to impress. Like wanting to "buy" her love. Maybe that's how she felt too. A little smothered. Whatever her reasons, all you need to know is that it just wasn't working for her.

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What stood out to me in your post were things like she was love bombing you, running super hot to suddenly super cold, abrupt about face after she went to some party, prior history of toxic relationships.

 

Either she met someone at that party who is a bigger better deal, or she is not anywhere near as stable and mature as you think, so she dumped you not because of age or lack of stability, but perhaps because you were way too normal and stable for her. When I was younger, I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that people who engage in toxic relationships are actually very much damaged themselves and actively enjoy and seek that out. Now that I'm older and wiser, I know they exist and the choices they make are confusing and messed up no matter how you look at it and not worth sorting or worrying about. Some people just have a taste for toxic drama and if you are normal, they just can't be with you as odd as that sounds.

 

And, yeah, this ^^.

 

The early lovebombing, the hot/cold—that's always stuff to look out for. I've got a little taste for drama myself, but I have a pretty strict rule that I'll only go around the merry-go-round once or twice in the early stages. If it becomes THE dynamic—well, no, time to get out. So it might be worth thinking a bit about how much that dynamic was the norm rather than the exception.

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Maybe her reasons would have hurt me to hear and out of respect, she didn't voice them.

 

It sounds like she really liked you, but you just weren't the one for her. Sometimes it's nonsensical like that. Sorry this happened. You sound like a great guy. I am sure you will find someone who appreciates you.

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I understand her point of view. Someone I work with is in her early 30s married to a man in his mid 20s. He wants kids "in 5 or 6 years". In 5 or 6 years she will be 38. He doesn't see any urgency because he's young, and he doesn't understand her urgency. It's a big point of contention between them.

 

That very well could have been you if you married her.

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She didn't have the strength to see you hurt in person. That says a lot. Classic case of a lack of maturity. She thought she was in love with you, and then one day suddenly she didn't feel it anymore. Everything else, any theory you might come up with is just rationalization. If she really loved you, she would have faced you. She also wouldn't have interviewed you, pretended to love you again, and then changed her mind. Your last meeting was her attempting to find a good reason to break up with you. If you had said the "wrong" thing, like "nah I don't really want kids", then she could have went, well I do want kids, so clearly we aren't going to work out.

 

You broke the script, and said the right things. It's not the things that were at issue, it's just the simple yet confusing fact that she lost her attraction. Or was cheating on you... But with no real evidence on that I would just assume the first case. It's very common for people who lose attraction to wind up with someone very soon after, even if there was no impropriety.

 

Sorry you are struggling with this. That one-two punch where one night you are "the best thing that ever happened to them" and the next day it is "I don't think I could ever marry you so we have to break up" is brutal! I suspected age in my case too (although I was the older in this case). But when you keep cycling through trying to find answers, and realize "the reason" could have been one of like 20 different reasons you begin to understand that you may have simply not been the great match you thought you were. At the very least, you clearly didn't have a good handle on what the other party was thinking/feeling!

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This all happened a couple months ago. I want to give everyone the full insight and see why this hurt me so much if you all do not mind. I learned about the BF a month ago. I don't think any cheating was involved. I haven't taken the best approach since the B/U and have peaked at her social media one too many times. That is how I learned about the new guy. He's a coworker at a new job she got after the breakup. Maybe that's the shock I needed to truly let go of her 100% and move on but I fight the "what if" battles a lot. It doesn't help that it's holiday season either and I am sick of spending the holidays alone. I'm trying my best to change my mentality so I can truly heal. I often wonder what I could have done differently and sometimes wonder if nothing I did would have mattered.

 

The B/U put me in a downward spiral of depression for a good while and I still fight it some days. The part I struggle with the most is that I truly like/respect her as a human and can't look back and say any hateful things. If she called me tomorrow and needed a ride or favor, I'd have a hard time saying no. I guess that's the most painful part about a shorter relationship ending is that you don't ever get to see the nasty parts of a person that make you feel a little better about them exiting your life.

 

When we first met, I saw her as someone I could have as a friend. But she kept inviting me to hangout and do things with her and she even made the first move. After just our 4th time hanging out, she offered coming over to my place to have drinks, watch a scary movie, and then cuddle afterwards. She brought her PJs, her own pillow, etc.

 

I was shocked but I got to thinking and realized that I really liked her and that she's a really good person. We talked for hours that night and didn't even watch the movie before she made the first move and started kissing me. I asked her out, she hesitated due to age and when I didn't care about age, she was over the top happy. She would send me poems, paragraph texts, and was already bragging to her friends about me. It was soooo intense from her end early on and I knew that was a little weird, but I enjoyed the affection. After just a couple of weeks of going out, she told me she loved me. The longest we were apart was 3 days when I went home to see my family. Upon returning, she said she had to take anxiety pills before coming over to place because she was so nervous and excited to see me about the slight break.

 

I was convinced this woman was madly in love with me. And then after the love-bombing continued, she went cold that last week. Shorter texts, didn't want to sleep together, and I knew something was up. But she would never tell me and then I ended up getting dumped.

 

This was a traumatic experience for me.

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"I was shocked but I got to thinking and realized that I really liked her and that she's a really good person. We talked for hours that night and didn't even watch the movie before she made the first move and started kissing me. I asked her out, she hesitated due to age and when I didn't care about age, she was over the top happy. She would send me poems, paragraph texts, and was already bragging to her friends about me. It was soooo intense from her end early on and I knew that was a little weird, but I enjoyed the affection. After just a couple of weeks of going out, she told me she loved me. The longest we were apart was 3 days when I went home to see my family. Upon returning, she said she had to take anxiety pills before coming over to place because she was so nervous and excited to see me about the slight break."

 

....There is so much wrong and unhealthy in this one paragraph....pretty much every single sentence. Please read and reread that and next time you see this kind of behavior, run for the hills. You've got to learn how to recognize crazy when you see it the first time.

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"I was shocked but I got to thinking and realized that I really liked her and that she's a really good person. We talked for hours that night and didn't even watch the movie before she made the first move and started kissing me. I asked her out, she hesitated due to age and when I didn't care about age, she was over the top happy. She would send me poems, paragraph texts, and was already bragging to her friends about me. It was soooo intense from her end early on and I knew that was a little weird, but I enjoyed the affection. After just a couple of weeks of going out, she told me she loved me. The longest we were apart was 3 days when I went home to see my family. Upon returning, she said she had to take anxiety pills before coming over to place because she was so nervous and excited to see me about the slight break."

 

....There is so much wrong and unhealthy in this one paragraph....pretty much every single sentence. Please read and reread that and next time you see this kind of behavior, run for the hills. You've got to learn how to recognize crazy when you see it the first time.

The thing is, I did find it crazy. But I am very inexperienced with relationships and rolled with it. I mean, she was insanely nice to me. Would cook for me, bring me lunch at work, always compliment me, sweet good morning/good night texts. It all felt so good and new to me, but yeah, I ignored a lot of red flags. I am sure most people would agree that most relationships that start that intensely will rarely workout.

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The thing is, I did find it crazy. But I am very inexperienced with relationships and rolled with it. I mean, she was insanely nice to me. Would cook for me, bring me lunch at work, always compliment me, sweet good morning/good night texts. It all felt so good and new to me, but yeah, I ignored a lot of red flags. I am sure most people would agree that most relationships that start that intensely will rarely workout.

 

Yeah, I'd chalk this up to lesson learned. Next time you have that little voice inside of you saying "she is nuts," don't rationalize it away, listen to it and run. Better to hold out for a sane person than to waste time with a basket case. If you can remove the rose colored glasses and see the problems, maybe you'll feel less surprised and thrown off about how this whole thing went down? I hope so anyway.

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To tell you the truth, her behavior is that of a commitment phobe. The love bombing and intensity of it all, and then they just drop you like a ton of bricks. It may have not had anything to do with the age difference. It gave her a convenient out, however, when she decided to drop the bomb. Please get the book, "Men Who Can't Love," The author is Steven Love and you can get it from the library. It discusses the commitment phobic behavior of men, but of course, women can also have that issue. It does leave one blindsided...........:upset:chi

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Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. I've tried to wrap my head around what happened but know that is unhealthy and I have to stop guessing. No matter what happened, she decided she wanted out. There were probably some red flags I ignored like her talking about how awful her exes were so early on in the dating process. She'd bring them up a lot only to say how much better I am than all of them and I'm the first guy to ever show her respect. She had a 3 year relationship and a 4 year relationship prior to dating me. One ex cheated on her, and the other mistreated her on a daily basis according to her. She also had OCD. Sometimes I think she hated coming over to my apartment because of my dog and she had never owned a pet before, but she acted ok with all of that in the early stages. This really left me hurt because of how strongly she came on and then how quickly/easily she pulled out.

 

After the B/U, I asked her to let me know what I did wrong so I can know what to work on in the future and she said I did nothing wrong, we just didn't workout. I hope I can feel normal again one day. I spend a lot of nights/mornings feeling pretty sad and she occupies my mind a lot.

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Yeah she was experimenting with dating a nice guy. It really sucks to be someone's experiment. There is nothing more to figure out, it's very simple. Your mind thinks that if you can find some other clue, it can figure out a way to make the pain stop. But the only way for the pain to stop is to ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT. When I had this happen to me, I had to accept that I would NEVER really understand why she had acted the way she had acted - the fast and deep love in the relationship, and the whiplash of a breakup. It was hard, because I am a computer engineer - figuring out why things aren't working right and then fixing them is at the core of how I engage with the world. But when I finally got there, it was so freeing to realize that this was one problem I didn't need to solve. She was out of my control and I could put my energy toward fixing myself instead and be much more productive.

 

Not that that was a quick process or that I'm where I want to be yet :p I think you will get there faster than I did, because even though we weren't dating, my ex was still in my life for several years from our social circles. I had worse pain in some of our later encounters than the initial breakup, so you are a few steps ahead if you can maintain no contact.

 

You are going to have to work hard not to let this experience break you. You are probably going to make someone else very happy. Keep pressing into your life even when you don't feel normal.

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Listen, you can't prevent a broken heart, and love is always a gamble. Once you've healed from this you'll be grateful for the lessons.

 

You also can't punish future prospects by putting a wall up. You need to enter dating knowing you can end up with a broken heart, but saying to heck with it! Love is worth the risk.

 

Time really does heal....it's cliche but oh so true. Be kind to yourself and let time do its thing.

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Listen, you can't prevent a broken heart, and love is always a gamble. Once you've healed from this you'll be grateful for the lessons.

 

You also can't punish future prospects by putting a wall up. You need to enter dating knowing you can end up with a broken heart, but saying to heck with it! Love is worth the risk.

 

Time really does heal....it's cliche but oh so true. Be kind to yourself and let time do its thing.

 

Sage advice.

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