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Hi im new to the group and would like some advice.

I started dating my partner nearly a year ago. I said from the start i hated smoking and he said he was a former smoker but hadnt for several years. We started dating Just before i found out id got bladder cancer.

He was amazing taking me to hospital appointments etc. But after id got out of hospital he started smoking again. He promised to quit after we had a holiday in the sun so i agreed.

He managed 2 weeks and started again behind my back. I caught him out and hes smoked every day since.

Im really struggling with my emotions and cry a lot out of frustration. It makes me moody evdn though he goes outside to smoke. I feel cigarettes are more important than i am.

I don't want to go thru all my years of cancer treatment for him to die of lung related diseases. He says im over reacting and its not a big deal but its huge to me. He ssys if he stopped smoking he would get bad chest infections and colds and smoking keeps him healthy. Hd is also a diabetic and currently unemployed. So while im at work i imagine he is smoking lots. Advice on how to cope would be much appreciated.

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Sorry to hear about the bladder cancer—hope that's on the mend. And sorry to hear about this wrinkle in your relationship.

 

Look, the way you're both handling this right now is a sure road to an end. The more he feels judged and less understood, the more annoyed he'll be. And the more stressed. And the harder it will be for him to quit, and maybe even a stubborn little part of him will not want to quit to assert himself in a misguided way. That's psychology 101.

 

I used to smoke. Loved it. For what it's worth, I quit by switching to electronic cigarettes, which I still "smoke." A couple hits of a little Juul. There is no comparison from a health perspective—they're much, much safer, though sadly the US is the only modern country that pretends otherwise. They are also much less annoying for a non-smoker—no lingering smell, no bad breath. So maybe there's a compromise in which he gives them a try?

 

Otherwise you just have to stick to your original guns, despite whatever attachment and feelings exist after nearly a year. Smoking is a dealbreaker for you, he's smoking again, relationship over. You make that choice for you, not to push him to change.

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For me it would be a dealbreaker especially since he took it up again. I smoked for about a year as a teenager and quit. Never ever tried it again, never will. I would not push him to change - you're just not the right person to convince him if anyone even could. Certainly if he quit and needed your support, sure, but beyond that I would stay out of it and yes I would walk away.

 

I am really glad you're better.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's not going to quit and you are stressing each other out with all this. All you can do is breakup (adding to your stress) or ignore it until he quits on his own. Nagging, arguing etc. will not help, as you know.

a year ago. I said from the start i hated smoking and he said he was a former smoker. he started smoking again. I caught him out and hes smoked every day since. its huge to me.
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If it's really huge to you, then you need to walk the talk and end this relationship. He is addicted to it and won't quit. The whole smoking keeps his lungs healthy actually made me laugh out loud. That's him telling you in no uncertain terms that he is totally addicted and will not be quitting no matter what. You nagging him, him trying to hide from you - this is becoming toxic. Make sure that you don't stay in a relationship that isn't working out for you out of misplaced gratitude for him being there for you when you got sick. Either accept his habit, attempt to compromise, or walk away and never ever again get involved with a smoker, even when they claim that they've quit or are quitting.

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As someone else said, e cigarettes are a great substitute for smokers. I gave up a 40 a day habit using one. I started on 12mg and then slowly reduced the percentage over several months.

 

Despite the mixed reports, any smoker who has switched to an e cigarette will tell you it's far healthier.... My lung capacity and circulation improved as did my smell and taste. The hit to my hip pocket was also noticeable. In my county smokes are heavily taxed. A pouch of tobacco costs $50+, so I was spending $150 a week, the e cigarette cost me $15.

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Smoking is "healthier" for him??? Yeah sure pal... Pull the other one.

 

He's not going to quit so you need to decide if this is a deal breaker.

 

For me, it would be.. I've lost too many relatives to lung/smoking related illness.

 

I'm also severely asthmatic and frankly smoking is just gross. You smell gross, your teeth go yellow, your skin gets all nasty... Nope nope and nope.

 

I would leave

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One more little nugget as you do some thinking.

 

So, he knows very much that you don't approve of the smoking. That it's a potential dealbreaker. And HE would like to quit, too, but fell back into the habit during a tough stretch.

 

All that is good news, potentially.

 

So, what about just kind of backing off, and seeing if it runs its course?

 

I know that sounds awful, and it may not work or be something you can handle. But it's almost like dealing with teenagers. If we harp on them to do x, y, and z, they invariably push back. Basic human psychology. But if we delicately let them know we're disappointed when they don't do x, y, and z that disappointment has a way to sinking in, and action is changed.

 

Again, not a perfect prescription. But just something to think about, since it sounds like you guys have had the talks, talked in circles, and your at wits end without totally wanting to pull the rip cord on the whole thing.

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He ssys if he stopped smoking he would get bad chest infections and colds and smoking keeps him healthy. Hd is also a diabetic and currently unemployed.

 

He's full of BS. He has colds and respiratory problems BECAUSE he smokes.

If he is diabetic with no work so no insurance, you think he wouldn't be spending on cigarettes.

I would tell him that sorry, that you love him but having cancer, etc, you can't be around a smoker.

Maybe it will make him serious, but it can't be an idle threat.

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Its not enough for you that he treated you amazingly well. The best thing is for you to dump him and then you can meet someone else and so can he. The guy took you for a holiday in the sun???? This might burst the bubble youre living inside of, but for some people, having cancer is a deal breaker. I know, Ive had it. He needs to be with someone who isnt going to get moody with him whrn he gors outside for a cigatette - and who he doesnt have to spend years running around after. Free him so that he can meet someone who is going to be good to him.

Edited by Silverbirch
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Silverbirch

I never said i wasnt good to him. Apart from him smoking we get on really well. He doesnt run around after me . Im 48 and independent i work hard on my good days and have very little time off work during my treatment weeks.

He is 55 and has lots of issues after women cheating. I have been just as supportive over his depression and counselling.

Your making it sound like im only in it for what i can get. I can assure you this isnt the case. I struggle around smoking but have never hidden the fact. Im trying to cope with it because i love him .

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Do you live together? If not, great. If so, why after dating less than a year? All you can do is let him have his "smoking section" outside. Never in the house, car or where you are..

 

Focus on your treatments, recovery and health. Don't argue or nag. It creates stress for you and that is not in your best interest. He won't change, so if you don't like it but find it tolerable if it's contained then see if a compromise for now is possible.

I started dating my partner nearly a year ago.

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Silverbirch

I never said i wasnt good to him. Apart from him smoking we get on really well. He doesnt run around after me . Im 48 and independent i work hard on my good days and have very little time off work during my treatment weeks.

He is 55 and has lots of issues after women cheating. I have been just as supportive over his depression and counselling.

Your making it sound like im only in it for what i can get. I can assure you this isnt the case. I struggle around smoking but have never hidden the fact. Im trying to cope with it because i love him .

 

Sharon, Im sorry if it camr out hat way. Btw, my cancer was first diagnosed 2011 and was carcinima of the bladder but so far has been low invasive. I was terrified for the first coupke of years.

 

To ke, the fact is that I would almost het that he is a good guy, and it sounds lije you love each other. People like that dont cone along all the time, and relationships are probably never perfect. I think you should let it be, and good luck.

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Sharon, Im sorry if it camr out hat way. Btw, my cancer was first diagnosed 2011 and was carcinima of the bladder but so far has been low invasive. I was terrified for the first coupke of years.

 

To ke, the fact is that I would almost het that he is a good guy, and it sounds lije you love each other. People like that dont cone along all the time, and relationships are probably never perfect. I think you should let it be, and good luck.

 

Thank you for replying. I guess im a bit sensitive. I hope you stay well and cancer free.

I think talking about my issues has helped a lot. Your right that not many people stick around after such news as cancer so ive decided to not dwell on things anymore. We have each other and thats worth a lot.

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Hey, I hope it goes well for you. When I found out it was carcinoma, I absolutely thought the worst. Im bit funny about talking much about it. I went to a website especially for bladder cancer in 2011. A lot of people couldnt dyay because they got stuck in obsessing about it. I used to think constantly about it in the first 2 years, and I became wrecked by it. Was like dying twice. Still, Im sure it helps others to talk about it. A lotof peoplr would disahree with this, but because my cancer was low-grade - I had MANY recurrences, the surgeon and I chose to only do my cystosvopic trsting oncr a uear. I couldnt manage the consyant in and out of hospital as well, the doctors had different opinions on chemo - I forget the name of it, bit it is put dirrctly into thr bladder. I chose not to have it.

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Nope, I wouldn't compromise or deal with it. I too watched a loved one die from lung cancer and it's horrendous. I could never excuse someone for purposely doing that to themselves.

 

In this day and age, people know better and should care to take care of themselves. He's not doing you any favors either by bringing that around you. Whether he smokes around you or not, it will still be on his clothes, his teeth, etc.

 

And let's add into the obvious, it's nasty and disgusting. Bleh...I just couldn't.

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