Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Put in context like that, those texts do come across as trying to flirt. It would actually make me wonder if they are flirting in person and she is just carrying on with the same vibe in texts, except not getting the same response.

 

Also, if your bf feels genuinely uncomfortable, why keep going with her? There are so many cycling groups going every weekend. They are easy to find with a simple Google search. Plus he can look on meetup.com too. There is simply no reason for him to be going solo with this woman just because you guys are new in the area. Joining either a cycling club or a group would make it way easier to meet people and make more friends faster, not to mention enjoy his cycling.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

My boyfriend replied to the text "looking forward to seeing you" with "I was looking forward to it as well", which in hindsight wasn't the best reply and didn't enforce boundaries

 

Alone this is an innocent text. People automatically say it. I think he sees her as an activity partner - he likes to bike - she does she. If a dude at work expressed that he had the same interest first, he might have gone on rides with him instead. I think the key is not to be insecure --- women (me included) can sometimes detect the subtext of another woman's text OR read into it where a guy won't think its interest until she says something thats a direct proposition (suggesting drinks instead of cycling, an inneundo). Just be cool about it and perhaps suggest that she is reading too much into their outings and suggest a cycling club or starting a group at work

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dear Batya, as someone who has lurked on this board for close to a decade I have come to highly value your opinions and advice. Do you have any advice in this situation? Even if it is for things to carry on as they are.

 

Well, thank you and I'm not sure I deserve that praise in the least and still, thank you (needed that this morning, been a bit tough). ANYWAY what I would do is first reaffirm that you trust your boyfriend to make good choices and behave appropriately. And from a logical perspective -do they have another bike ride planned? Sometimes you just have to prioritize your panic and realize that if it's not scheduled it may never actually happen - these kinds of things fade out or just keep getting delayed. If it is rescheduled give it one more chance. I wouldn't keep tabs or raise alarm bells -hands off, give space -show him you're not going to go there. And there are other more discreet ways of figuring stuff out. See how he is when he returns - just get a sense of how he is acting in general and towards you. And you will know if this becomes more than just an occasional bike ride and take a wait and see. If it then becomes amped up so they are doing more social things together or chatting regularly take it one step at a time, one situation at a time. I say this in this situation because (1) your boyfriend so far has been open and transparent; (2) so far it's just a bike ride and (3) her comments are borderline/open to interpretation but not outrageous. And they may never go further.

 

I know it's a bit of limbo but I want you to restrain yourself from getting more involved as far as asking him/checking his phone etc because that might create its own set of problems and then she will not actually be the problem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks batya, they are scheduled to go again this evening. Looks like it may be becoming a weekly/ twice weekly thing. I will see what happens tonight and keep you informed.

 

OK - so that's fine and also good that you're aware of when. It really is about trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry but I think OP needs to nip this in the bud and suggest that he look up cycling clubs and groups as I mentioned in my earlier post. Waiting around for them to bond and then asking him to quit will not work and OP will encounter legitimate resistance at that point. It will be too little too late. Quite frankly, if she suggests that he join the cycling groups/clubs and he tells her that he'd just rather carry on with this woman, that alone will be a clue that something is not right. However, if he jumps on the idea, then the OP can relax.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What makes you think he's attracted to her? She's old enough to be his mother. Or is it that he has this hobby you can't partake of and a new acquaintance to do it with?

he is 32. This woman is in her early 50s. So my partner did a time trial with her and then another occasion on a weekend did a long cycle just the two of them. I being paranoid or does this woman like my boyfriend romantically?
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It probably hasnt occurred to most of you that a lot of older women would be sickened to the point of almost vomit at the thought of sexual involvement with a much younger man. Once again, an older woman is demonised for breathing.

 

I second this. Either you trust your BF or you don't. The rest is really irrelevant.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Back to your topic, your bf sounds above board in his transparency. Also you didn't describe him as a flirt or cheater or someone to worry about. As far as his cycling companion who knows, maybe she's lonely or chatty or whatever but it sounds like your bf is keeping it as a sport buddy, regardless of her mindset.

What is the point of this post, are you trying to imply that I'm not a nice woman? You sound insecure about your age.

It wasn't me who reported you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also think it depends how sensitive the woman is to boundaries and lines. I used to work out at the same time as my neighbor who is in the same field as I am and likely younger than me. We would chat mostly about work and sometimes personal stuff but not "personal". I am married and I referred to my husband/family and I think he had a girlfriend. Anyway, I wanted to keep in touch with him because at the time I was looking to get back to work in our field and was actively networking. But I asked him only if I could link in with him on linkedin. I never would have asked him about Facebook. Similarly, i often meet dads at the places I take my son -happened a few times - and I then want my son to keep in touch with their kids - and if possible I will message the wife instead of the husband and explain that our kids met and it would be great to stay in touch. That way, she can always invite me to connect with her husband and it's clear that the focus is on the kids. And yes in one case I have much more in common with the husband and prefer his company to the wife's -but i never text or contact him -I always text the wife and when we are all together i give equal attention to both. My husband is rarely at any of these activities/events.

 

I share this because I think I am ultra careful not to make the wrong impression (especially since I am friendly and chatty). This woman obviously is not as careful but doesn't mean she has bad intentions at all especially since the get togethers are because of cycling. I also know indirectly that cycling groups/buddies often "bond" over cycling and that's ok too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes wiseman, I know I have nothing to worry about with my boyfriend. I trust him completely not to cheat. I guess, my only concern about him would be he might struggle to enforce boundaries (not because he's interested) but because he would feel uncomfortable doing so. And with such ambiguous messages he would find it difficult knowing when to say something and when to say nothing. I mean this in relation to if this woman ever made HIM feel uncomfortable.

 

Or is it that he has this hobby you can't partake of and a new acquaintance to do it with?

I found this comment quite rude from you actually. Like you think I am making presumptions about this woman, you are making presumptions about me. My partner has plenty of hobbies, including football, swimming, cycling and going to the gym. I actually cannot/choose not to partake in any of them! We do other things together that we both enjoy and no resentment when the other person does something without the other. Due to his field he works predominantly with women. He has lunches with different female colleagues regularly, which are actually probably more intimate than cycling. I can assure you I don't have issues with my boyfriend doing things or seeing people. I had no problem with him cycling with this woman at all, until she sent text messages to him that I interpreted as "suggestive". And maybe I interpreted them incorrectly, I don't know. Several people on here don't seem to think so. The fact is none of us can know for sure. But if she is attempting to pursue him, I find that disrespectful both to me and to our relationship. And that's not OK, regardless of trust in my boyfriend. That's not what a friendship is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes definitely I shall be ready for you x

Did you have a good journey over to ***** (home city)? X

In these texts, did they actually include an "X"? Like a kiss?

 

If it is a kiss, that would be odd. I have some good female friends who sign emails to me with "hugs," and their name or initial, or "xoxo", but meant as dear friends, not romantic interests. It would be odd for me to add an X (for a kiss) to a casual guy pal.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know....this entire thread wouldn't even exist if you really trusted your bf and figured he'll handle inappropriate advances from this woman appropriately. Something in this particular situation is triggering your alarm and I don't think you are wrong specifically, because as you said yourself, you don't have this uncomfortable feeling when he is interacting with other women on an almost daily basis. It's just her and this. Something about this has triggered your gut instinct that something is off in this particular situation.

 

So again, if you feel that way, there is probably something there and some other intangible factors going that we can't see here online. So I still say, suggest to him that he look up some cycling groups and nip this now with this woman.

Link to post
Share on other sites
[/i][/font]

[/color]

 

[/i][/font]

[/color]

In these texts, did they actually include an "X"? Like a kiss?

 

If it is a kiss, that would be odd. I have some good female friends who sign emails to me with "hugs," and their name or initial, or "xoxo", but meant as dear friends, not romantic interests. It would be odd for me to add an X (for a kiss) to a casual guy pal.

 

I thought X was the standin for the woman's name

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes wiseman, I know I have nothing to worry about with my boyfriend. I trust him completely not to cheat. I guess, my only concern about him would be he might struggle to enforce boundaries (not because he's interested) but because he would feel uncomfortable doing so. And with such ambiguous messages he would find it difficult knowing when to say something and when to say nothing. I mean this in relation to if this woman ever made HIM feel uncomfortable.

 

Or is it that he has this hobby you can't partake of and a new acquaintance to do it with?

 

I found this comment quite rude from you actually. Like you think I am making presumptions about this woman, you are making presumptions about me. My partner has plenty of hobbies, including football, swimming, cycling and going to the gym. I actually cannot/choose not to partake in any of them! We do other things together that we both enjoy and no resentment when the other person does something without the other. Due to his field he works predominantly with women. He has lunches with different female colleagues regularly, which are actually probably more intimate than cycling. I can assure you I don't have issues with my boyfriend doing things or seeing people. I had no problem with him cycling with this woman at all, until she sent text messages to him that I interpreted as "suggestive". And maybe I interpreted them incorrectly, I don't know. Several people on here don't seem to think so. The fact is none of us can know for sure. But if she is attempting to pursue him, I find that disrespectful both to me and to our relationship. And that's not OK, regardless of trust in my boyfriend. That's not what a friendship is.

 

Well to be fair Katy you keep on and keep on and keep on telling us how you completely trust your boyfriend but this post wouldnt exist if you did.

 

You arent the first person to do this and you wont be the last but its incredibly transparent that all the blame for your concerns are placed on this woman as if the burden of fidelity lays on her shoulders, they dont. She could riding naked on her bike, its up to your boyfriend to put up boundaries.

 

I think this post was made because youre frustrated that you feel he isnt putting up the boundaries you think he should, but at the same time pride wont let you allow us to know that there are any cracks in your relationship so this woman becomes the villain and before you get defensive, notice you directly quoted the woman but not your boyfriend, I'm assuming because you dont want us to analyze his words. Its not fair to her and quite frankly its not fair to you. You arent going to solve any problems worrying about what she does. You have no control over her, if your boyfriend isn't putting up boundaries that is completely on him. This is between you and your boyfriend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

All you can do is address it head on. For example you ask about the x stuff and jokingly ask if she has hots for him. However trying to manage his friends, cycling buddies, etc comes off as controlling. Keep in mind he did ignore her texts and perhaps didn't want to be mean or rude. What is he supposed to text. I have a gf and your "x", texts and cycling makes her suspicious?

my only concern about him would be he might struggle to enforce boundarie because he would feel uncomfortable doing so. And with such ambiguous messages he would find it difficult knowing when to say something and when to say nothing.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you all English? Because an x means nothing..most English (UK) end their messages like that. It's not a romantic thing nor it is a come on. It's a friendly goodbye, most don't even think about it.

 

I still find it unsettling that this woman is under the microscope. I bet she's just thinking she has a friend to go cycling with now and then and would be humiliated if she knew his gf was writing on a forum going on and on about how she possibly wants him.

 

The age difference for starters is too huge and most older women wouldn't want someone that much younger. I feel like this is a completely innocent situation that is being blown out of proportion and way way too over analyzed.

 

I am also wondering if it's bother you OP, more because you're unable to do these things with him. I completely understand that side too. It can feel bad to physically be unable to share in the things you want to with your partner.

But that would be a personal issue to work through, but not to question an older lady who just wants to exercise.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

A year or two ago, a guy at work kept asking me to go skiing with him in the winter, and biking with him in the summer. I declined every time because I wasn't sure what his motives were. I did know that he was very active, and that he often went on active excursions with friends.

 

When he finally gave up on me, he asked another girl to go. She was much younger than me. I am not sure if she went. Then, just a few months ago, I saw him ask a guy to go!! So, I really don't know if he ever did have any ulterior motives. He was a hell of a nice guy, though. Very helpful, too.

 

Iam no longer at that job, and no longer have that opportunity. In retrospect, I kind of wish I went. I like exercise, and it's difficult to find steady workout partners. But I also 1) knew that my boyfriend would never go, and 2) didn't want to encourage any ulterior motives. That was enough for me not to go, and I don't really regret it.

 

Maybe, Katy, you should be worrying more about your boyfriend's motives and priorities.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry but I think OP needs to nip this in the bud and suggest that he look up cycling clubs and groups as I mentioned in my earlier post. Waiting around for them to bond and then asking him to quit will not work and OP will encounter legitimate resistance at that point. It will be too little too late. Quite frankly, if she suggests that he join the cycling groups/clubs and he tells her that he'd just rather carry on with this woman, that alone will be a clue that something is not right. However, if he jumps on the idea, then the OP can relax.

 

^^Agreed^^

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...