Long Distance Boyfriend Keeps Pictures of Ex Girlfriend

[j.man]

I likewise don't make an effort to keep momentos or pictures, but I don't think I've ever deleted a photo from Facebook, nevermind cared enough to sift through albums to delete such pictures of my exes. I know my wife probably still has some of her own. I don't have to deal with it because I don't dig through her photo history. And if I did, I wouldn't be bothered by such a photo.

 

What explanation could he offer that you'd find acceptable without, whether or not you've directly asked him to, still hoping he gets rid of them?

[Hollyj]

It would mean they get to stay there for him to look at, while being considerate of his current partner's feelings. Relationships should involve compromise.

 

There shouldn't be compromise because it should not be an issue. What will it be next? This is about her insecurities.

[Hollyj]

Ok so I agree with you. I def thinks its a sign of respect. If youre in a new relationship atleast remove them from your phone and social media. Maybe dont throw out hard copies or ones that are on computers or harddrive. But def the ones on your cell phone or where most people see them easily(social media) I would have an issue with a guy dating me yet when he is alone he can scroll through intimate pics of an old GF. What would be the purpose of this? If you loved your ex, seeing pics would stir that up OR you could get attracted to the dirty pics. We are only human. This would get sticky. The thought of it makes me uncomfortable . Not necessarily that he would go out and cheat with the exes.

 

I dont think we should jump on women right away and say its her insecurity. If this is something she dislikes and sees it as direspect, it can be just that. It doesnt always have to be some deep issue she has to heal.

 

I think youre right in thinking this way. You want a committed relationship all the way through and nothing wrong with it. Stand your ground until u find a guy who has your mindet.

 

I had an ex bf from years ago who would contact me every few months. He HAD new gfs but still kept my pics. Hed get attracted to them even though he was happy with his gf . He saw no wrong in this. But the pics would cause him to try to hang out with me. I never did but my point is, if you are dating someone new and looking back on old gfs, u will get tempted eventually

 

So delete the pics. Start off fresh. Give your attention to the present.

 

It's not disrespectful, and it is due to her insecurities.

[Hollyj]

I don't like your answer because it seems like you're unwilling to understand that people have different perspectives and instead of reading the situation objectively, you're inserting your own beliefs. I have different beliefs. You may not believe having a picture on facebook is like a framed picture on a wall, but I do and I know I'm not alone on that.

 

I didn't say he had sexual pictures; I was comparing sexual vs emotional. I find emotional to be more hurtful than a sexual one, and not many people would put up with sexual pictures being displayed.

This is a forum. We all have our own beliefs, and mine do not align with yours. Just because I am not agreeing with you, does not mean I am looking at things objectively. Actually, I think that it is the opposite.

[mja1233]

I likewise don't make an effort to keep momentos or pictures, but I don't think I've ever deleted a photo from Facebook, nevermind cared enough to sift through albums to delete such pictures of my exes. I know my wife probably still has some of her own. I don't have to deal with it because I don't dig through her photo history. And if I did, I wouldn't be bothered by such a photo.

 

What explanation could he offer that you'd find acceptable without, whether or not you've directly asked him to, still hoping he gets rid of them?

 

I don't expect him to get rid of them. In a perfect world, yes I'd like not to ever see them or wonder if I'm going to come across something I don't want to see. In a perfect world, if I let him know I was uncomfortable, he'd just take them down and it'd be a non-issue. That's obviously not the case. I wanted to understand why he needs to keep them displayed. Again, I am in the camp of people who consider social media to be a showcase of your present life. You, and some others on the board don't feel that way which is fine, but I can't just suddenly change how I feel and I don't personally believe it's unreasonable. Employers use it to hire employees. It has a lot of influence on your current life. I know a lot of people use Facebook especially, as their virtual picture wall. So let me ask you this (which might help me understand your point of view), if your wife kept a framed picture or even just a single photo of her and her ex displayed on a wall or pinned on a bulletin board or something in your home, would you be ok with that? What if she had a scrapbook of all of their pictures and she kept it in the house on a bookshelf? I'm not trying to be a smart ass, this is really how I feel about the situation and maybe it will help me understand where you're coming from.

 

To answer your question, I was hoping he would have just told me that they were old pictures, forgot they were there, and he'd take them down (make them private, save them to a file on his computer, etc) out of respect for my feelings.

 

And I wasn't digging through his photo history. It was literally the first photos you see when you go to his page. After looking at two of them and seeing a sexual comment from his ex about him, I left the page.

[mja1233]

This is a forum. We all have our own beliefs, and mine do not align with yours. Just because I am not agreeing with you, does not mean I am looking at things objectively. Actually, I think that it is the opposite.

 

I 100% agree with you. We all have different beliefs and I never asked if mine were wrong. I wanted to know how to handle the situation given my beliefs vs his and just how to move past it. It's a common thing that happens in relationships. Your comments to me haven't helped me in the least. You basically shamed me for having an issue and blamed it all on my insecurities without explaining your thoughts on it, or maybe trying to advise me in a helpful way. I don't know you or anyone on this site, so I'm just automatically going to become defensive about that sort of tone. We all have insecurities. I am NOT a controlling person which is why I have not requested him to get rid of them, or stop talking to ex gfs. There are just some things that bother me, and I think everyone is like that. Some people think it would be completely fine for their SO and an ex to hang out alone at night, have a dinner date, go on a trip, or whatever without them. I think that crosses a boundary, but those people would call me insecure while others think it's reasonable. It's a matter of figuring out what my boundaries are and if I need to extend them or not. That's what I am here for. You dismissing my feelings completely and putting it down to I'm just an insecure woman that needs help is not accurate in the least. I am a human being and I'm not perfect, and I am here to be advised constructively.

[Hollyj]

I don't expect him to get rid of them. In a perfect world, yes I'd like not to ever see them or wonder if I'm going to come across something I don't want to see. In a perfect world, if I let him know I was uncomfortable, he'd just take them down and it'd be a non-issue. That's obviously not the case. I wanted to understand why he needs to keep them displayed. Again, I am in the camp of people who consider social media to be a showcase of your present life. You, and some others on the board don't feel that way which is fine, but I can't just suddenly change how I feel and I don't personally believe it's unreasonable. Employers use it to hire employees. It has a lot of influence on your current life. I know a lot of people use Facebook especially, as their virtual picture wall. So let me ask you this (which might help me understand your point of view), if your wife kept a framed picture or even just a single photo of her and her ex displayed on a wall or pinned on a bulletin board or something in your home, would you be ok with that? What if she had a scrapbook of all of their pictures and she kept it in the house on a bookshelf? I'm not trying to be a smart ass, this is really how I feel about the situation and maybe it will help me understand where you're coming from.

 

To answer your question, I was hoping he would have just told me that they were old pictures, forgot they were there, and he'd take them down (make them private, save them to a file on his computer, etc) out of respect for my feelings.

 

And I wasn't digging through his photo history. It was literally the first photos you see when you go to his page. After looking at two of them and seeing a sexual comment from his ex about him, I left the page.

 

Having a photo displayed in one's home is nothing like having some photos saved in one's history. Apples and oranges. That's a huge stretch.

 

Like you, i do not do social media. These things do not matter, unless his profile pic was of him and his ex. I reread your post. Are you saying that this is his profile pic?

 

"Some people think it would be completely fine for their SO and an ex to hang out alone at night, have a dinner date, go on a trip," I agree with you here.

 

You choose how to accept my advice. You have gotten very defensive. This is forum and I stand by my position.

 

I am far from perfect, but when I feel the need to get very defensive, i must recognize why that is so: there is usually truth involved.

 

The real problem, is that you are not secure in your relationship. This is what you need to address.

[bluecastle]

The more I read the clearer my advice becomes.

 

End this relationship so you can grieve, heal, and then find someone with a shared perspective and value system regarding this stuff. You've learned a boundary that is important to you at this juncture in your life, one that is required for romantic security and that is at odds with the boundaries that make sense for your current bf. There may be no such thing as a "perfect world," as you acknowledge, but this is simply too imperfect for you, right now, in your life.

 

I say that as someone who has a completely different take on this, of course, someone whose take is more in sync with Holly's. I say that as someone who wants to challenge you to use a different word than "display" about these photos, and to challenge you to consider that social media, for all the ways it is used, is never a simple documentation of someone's present life but of various moments that got us to the present. The pretty sunset from 2004. That New Years eve party in 2008. That cute dog on the sidewalk in 2010. And, yes, some more personal things: that friend you fell out of touch with, that person you used to love.

 

I can't speak for j.man, but I suspect he would find it a bit odd if there was a photo of his wife's ex hanging over the mantle, or tacked to a cork board above her desk. But some scraps hanging out in the bowels of a Facebook or Instagram feed? That's very, very different, at least to him, which is why he and his wife don't have a friction point over it.

 

But that's just me. And you're you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately since you are not in person, he needs local 'release' material and local affection so may need backups for that since you are not there in person for any touch, affection, sexuality, etc. Video chatting about "the future" is not the same as real life sexuality and affection.. LDRs are hard and even more difficult if you never met and do not really know this person and there are no concrete plans to ever meet.

[mja1233]

Having a photo displayed in one's home is nothing like having some photos saved in one's history. Apples and oranges. That's a huge stretch.

 

Like you, i do not do social media. These things do not matter, unless his profile pic was of him and his ex. I reread your post. Are you saying that this is his profile pic?

 

"Some people think it would be completely fine for their SO and an ex to hang out alone at night, have a dinner date, go on a trip," I agree with you here.

 

You choose how to accept my advice. You have gotten very defensive. This is forum and I stand by my position.

 

I am far from perfect, but when I feel the need to get very defensive, i must recognize why that is so: there is usually truth involved.

 

The real problem, is that you are not secure in your relationship. This is what you need to address.

 

Agree to disagree, once again. I don't think it's a huge stretch.

 

I have gotten defensive which I already admitted to, and I've also admitted to having insecurities as well. And I've only been defensive with you (and you're not the only one on here who disagrees with me) because of your approach towards me which did not come off very friendly. To be honest, you came off sort of judgmental ( ie "have you even met the guy?"; "it is high time you dealt with your insecurities"). It just doesn't make me want to reflect on anything you say after that. Anyway, I agree that I definitely need to address my insecurities as I've said, it's something I'm actively working on. We all have our boundaries and different comfort levels. For example, my boyfriend can get insecure with the fact that I work with a lot of men in my field. We both know it's silly, but I actively try to help him to realize that I'm not going to run off with one of them because we're friends or work together. I've been asked to go hang out with them at bars and other social events and I just decline unless my boyfriend can come with me. My boyfriend has never asked me to decline, and I usually don't even tell him I was asked. I don't have to do that, but his feelings are important to me.

 

And to answer your question, it's not his current profile picture but they are view-able from his wall. You don't have to click on anything to see them. I don't know why that would matter though since profile or not, they're both view-able from the front page and are all in his profile picture album.

 

Anyway, I thank you for taking the time to reply to this post even if we don't see eye to eye on most of it.

[mja1233]

The more I read the clearer my advice becomes.

 

End this relationship so you can grieve, heal, and then find someone with a shared perspective and value system regarding this stuff. You've learned a boundary that is important to you at this juncture in your life, one that is required for romantic security and that is at odds with the boundaries that make sense for your current bf. There may be no such thing as a "perfect world," as you acknowledge, but this is simply too imperfect for you, right now, in your life.

 

I say that as someone who has a completely different take on this, of course, someone whose take is more in sync with Holly's. I say that as someone who wants to challenge you to use a different word than "display" about these photos, and to challenge you to consider that social media, for all the ways it is used, is never a simple documentation of someone's present life but of various moments that got us to the present. The pretty sunset from 2004. That New Years eve party in 2008. That cute dog on the sidewalk in 2010. And, yes, some more personal things: that friend you fell out of touch with, that person you used to love.

 

I can't speak for j.man, but I suspect he would find it a bit odd if there was a photo of his wife's ex hanging over the mantle, or tacked to a cork board above her desk. But some scraps hanging out in the bowels of a Facebook or Instagram feed? That's very, very different, at least to him, which is why he and his wife don't have a friction point over it.

 

But that's just me. And you're you.

 

Again, I appreciate your insight. I'm definitely not ending my relationship. If I ended every relationship over a small issue that I can definitely get through, I'd be single forever.

 

You've given me some things to consider though, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

[bluecastle]

Love the phrase "small issue." I think, really, that's what this is.

 

And I admit that I was maybe taking a stern route to see how you'd react.

 

I appreciate the way you're processing this—being honest about something that's stirring discomfort in you, but being willing, even eager, to see it from a different side. That's probably already served you well in life, and will continue to.

 

Again, I don't know how old you are, but in my experience these sorts of things are often symptoms of youth, by which I generally mean under 30. I can only speak for myself, but once I got into my 30s the script kind of flipped and I became more insecure if someone didn't have a big, wild past. If not, either I didn't understand a lot of choices they made or I'd feel they were ashamed of their past, which didn't bode well.

 

I hope you guys get this resolved, and wish you and yours the sincere best.

[Hollyj]

Agree to disagree, once again. I don't think it's a huge stretch.

 

I have gotten defensive which I already admitted to, and I've also admitted to having insecurities as well. And I've only been defensive with you (and you're not the only one on here who disagrees with me) because of your approach towards me which did not come off very friendly. To be honest, you came off sort of judgmental ( ie "have you even met the guy?"; "it is high time you dealt with your insecurities"). It just doesn't make me want to reflect on anything you say after that. Anyway, I agree that I definitely need to address my insecurities as I've said, it's something I'm actively working on. We all have our boundaries and different comfort levels. For example, my boyfriend can get insecure with the fact that I work with a lot of men in my field. We both know it's silly, but I actively try to help him to realize that I'm not going to run off with one of them because we're friends or work together. I've been asked to go hang out with them at bars and other social events and I just decline unless my boyfriend can come with me. My boyfriend has never asked me to decline, and I usually don't even tell him I was asked. I don't have to do that, but his feelings are important to me.

 

And to answer your question, it's not his current profile picture but they are view-able from his wall. You don't have to click on anything to see them. I don't know why that would matter though since profile or not, they're both view-able from the front page and are all in his profile picture album.

 

Anyway, I thank you for taking the time to reply to this post even if we don't see eye to eye on most of it.

 

Hi MJA,

 

Sorry, but I can be very direct and harsh at times. Many are familiar on the site. It comes from a good place, not a judgmental one.

 

I cannot tell you how many times we have all read a threat about an online relationship, and asked if the poster has met the love interest. Many times they have not. So, do not take this personally.

 

I do see an issue with your bf's insecurity about your work mates. If he did not have trust issues this would be the case. You should not try to help him, this is his issue, and one he needs to move on from. Has therapy been discussed? If these issues are not resolved, it will continue in the relationship and get worse. It does not simply go away. I believe it be be very healthy for partners to have friends of both sexes. I encourage it. There must be trust for a healthy relationship. Not covering up, or changing our social habits in such an extreme way to comfort another's insecurities. These are red flags for me.

 

Please let the FB thing alone. He has a past, this will not change. There are more important things to focus on.

 

I wish you the best.