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Struggling, but not sure why


Youngbird
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The last couple of weeks my emotions has seriously been a roller coaster ride unlike anything I’ve experienced before. At one moment I have been happy and carefree, and in the next I feel empty and frustrated. There are several reasons behind this. I will explain some of the most important ones. First: Almost two years ago I broke up with my boyfriend (now ex). We were together for two years. I was devastated and used a very long time to feel normal again (note: normal, not good). My life has changed quite a lot since then and I have learned so much and have become much stronger. I feel like I have moved on, but there are still things that affect me. Ever since the break up I have felt a emptyness inside me. I think one of the reasons for this is because I had invested so much time in this relationship and with this guy. I also struggled with how little the breakup affected him (from my perspective).

So the last year I have developed a need to move on with someone new. I have had a casual relationship with a guy and that has been very fun but it is only on a physical level, which I actually enjoy. It has been going on for five months now. But this guy is not my type on many levels. So we don’t have a future, and that’s ok. But I think some parts of me really wanted this to be something more serious so that I could finally move on from my ex. And as the months goes by I realize that it will never be more. But the fact is that I have no feelings what so ever for this new guy. But he has worked as a distraction for me. And now I’m starting to realize that I’m not ok. And I’m really tired of not being ok. I have so much to be happy about with an amazing family and amazing friends. I get so angry with myself when I feel so unhappy because I have so much to be happy and grateful about. I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to and people struggle to understand, something I understand since I don’t get it myself. I guess I just needed to write this down somewhere and this site has helped me a lot before.

 

(Sorry about the errors)

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Unfortunately this casual thing is for fun and a distraction. However it is not real dating nor leading to a relationship and that can cause the "emptiness".

 

It may not be the breakup years ago but rather choosing vapid distractions rather than risking real dating/relationships again. Consider getting involved in something more fulfilling.

two years ago I broke up with my boyfriend

I have felt a emptyness inside me.

I have had a casual relationship with a guy and that has been very fun but it is only on a physical level, which I actually enjoy.

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Yes, I know. I want to back out of it and I know I should. But for some reason I’m having a hard time actually doing it. But that’s an even better reason to back out of it. But I struggle to see myself in a new serious relationship. I feel like I have some issues to resolve on my own...

Sorry about complaining, but today had been a hard day.

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I have been avoiding this new guy the last weeks because I know he is not a positive thing in my life. So just has to continue keeping my distance. Get some perspective. But I know that ups and downs is a part of life. And I’m only 22 so I still have a lot to learn. I just have to keep on moving forward.

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I think you need to stop comparing your happiness, based on a relaitonship with a man. It will only take you backwards. Do you see yourself as a failure? Just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean you should bare that cross of disappointment as you go on with your life. $hit happens because life happens, and it's all about going forward. I think you are just afraid if you ditch this guy you will fall into this abyss never able to get out of this funk you are in. IMO you will have just lighten the load and find more fulfilling things to do with your time. Get a hobby, or do something out of your comfort zone...bring your friends along in this new journey. Once you clear out the emotional trash, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Thank you! You are so right. I think some of the reasons for my focus is because many of my friends are in a relationship and I have been single alone a lot. And in some ways it feels like I am the “loser”. I know I have to do something to move forward so I will try to find a new focus with a hobby or something new in my life.

I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. And that we learn important lessons when life is difficult.

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Yes, I would say so. I have many good friends who make me happy. And I’m currently on my third year in university that is also very fulfilling. I have a busy schedule. I work out a lot, something I really enjoy. So my life is in many ways perfect. And that is some of the reasons why I get so frustrated. I love my life and everything in it. But I’m still not completely happy. And I hate myself for it. I know how lucky I am but I feel so ungrateful for not feeling happy.

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I think some parts of me really wanted this to be something more serious so that I could finally move on from my ex. And as the months goes by I realize that it will never be more. But the fact is that I have no feelings what so ever for this new guy.

 

You're learning from experience that being in the wrong relationship has its down sides. And, the one person we can never entirely fool about that is our Self.

 

It's a chicken versus the egg thing about which comes first: either some degree of depression may have motivated you to take up with a wrong match, OR your continual exposure to the wrong match is having a depressive effect on you.

 

The problem with carrying even a low level of depression is that it can turn chronic. That's not just an emotional issue, it's a chemical one. While depression is classified as a 'mood' disorder, it actually impacts your physical body because a chemical imbalance affects your nervous system and your organs in ways that keep you in a continual fight for energy and against a lack of stamina. In some cases, the imbalance can split in two extreme ways where periods of depression can shift into uncontrolled floods of manic energy known as bipolar disorder.

 

This isn't an attempt to diagnose you, but it is a caution against ignoring your moods and symptoms. My first order of business would be to make an appointment with a therapist for an assessment, and my second would be to dump the guy.

 

Going forward I would get clear with myself about whether I AM or WANT to be 'relationship material,' so that I will avoid playing in the 'casual' relationship sandbox in the future. That's messy kid stuff, because when you lack clarity about what you want, you'll continue to lead yourself into dead-enders. That will do something to your head, have you noticed?

 

Make it a point to put Who You Are and What You Want on the table whenever you meet a new potential match. Ask same of him. If he doesn't match your own reasons for dating with the same Wants of his own, then he may be a great person, but skip him and move on to seek the RIGHT match for you.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just the odds. When you can grasp that finding a good match is a needle in the haystack kind of thing, you won't feel rejected when meeting wrong matches, and you won't feel squirmy about allowing bad matches to pass early.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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