The only real thing ive ever had

[bluecastle]

Please listen to MissCanuck here, buddy.

 

You are deep in the spins, spins we've all been in, and I feel for you. You're reading the tea leaves, shuffling them around so the hard facts (relationship over) blur into something else (second chance). You're playing an intricate game of chess without realizing you're just playing against yourself.

 

The knot that released in your chest? That knot was the hard fact (relationship over) being replaced by the hope (second chance). Fine. Breakups suck, and sometimes we need to take the edge off.

 

It is, to use a familiar analogy, no different from the way drinking a six pack will mute a stressful day at work. But those stresses (the unfinished report, the boxes that still need stocking) are just as real as they were before the six pack, you dig? And if you keep turning to her to take the edge off, or keep needing her to be "charmed" by your efforts, you're setting yourself up for an ever more volatile spin when those efforts don't actually amount to a checkmate. Because the game, this round, is over.

 

You seem to like a challenge, and thrive off challenges. I can relate. So here's the challenge: one month, starting now, zero contact. Do it like you're doing not drinking. No excuses. When you want to bend, remember that voice that creeps up in your head that says one beer can't hurt. Listen to that voice, but don't respond. Noise in a room. Nothing consequential will change in a month—nothing—save the fact that you will be more healed.

 

Another analogy: you don't fix a broken leg by running a marathon. You fix it by sitting. Start running again too soon and the break gets worse.

[Unendingmind]

I will commit to nc.

 

A few questions before enacting -

 

We are already planned to swap the dog tom, and go out to the pet store. How do i handel this now? If i just cancel i think shed be mad.

 

We would also have to get in touch in some way after 3 days so she can grab it back. Im thinking easiest thing just tell her tom the dog will be ready wed and his stuff will be by the door, i wont be there?

 

This is the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. 10000% harder then quitting alcohol cold turky on my own for 3 months.

 

Edit : that wonderful knot in my chest seems to have found its way back in full force. (Should i be worried about my heath? It physically hurts)

[bluecastle]

That wonderful knot is there to remind you what is real: the breakup, the loss, the pain. It's the thing you don't want to feel. It's the thing you want to make go away—the thing, specifically, that you want HER to make go away. By being charmed, seeing the "new" you, hitting the rewind button.

 

Feel it, brother. You can handle it. You will grow from it. Life is about discomfort, and it's in learning to sit with it that we learn to live with grace. I'm speaking from experience—oh, so much damn experience just thinking about it gives me a contact high of that pain! But you got this.

 

What's the ultimate end game with the dog? You going to co-parent? Or it's her dog? If it's her dog, do the handoff—short, no emotional overtures, pure logistics—and back to the game plan. If it's co-parenting, make it her dog for a good stretch and check in in a month about co-parenting.

 

Something to chew on as you process: Most all of us, when left by someone, go into this mode. We flare up, eager to shed our husk and emerge shiny and impressive and have that shine validated by the person who left. But here's the thing: sustaining a relationship means tuning into these frequencies before they reach Defcon 6. Listening. Reflecting. Checking in. Making small adjustments so you don't have to make the big ones all at once, and often too late. You're both quite young, so this may be the lesson that helps you with the next relationship, and will certainly help you through life if you allow yourself to fully absorb it.

[MissCanuck]

We would also have to get in touch in some way after 3 days so she can grab it back. Im thinking easiest thing just tell her tom the dog will be ready wed and his stuff will be by the door, i wont be there?

This is the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. 10000% harder then quitting alcohol cold turky on my own for 3 months.

 

Edit : that wonderful knot in my chest seems to have found its way back in full force. (Should i be worried about my heath? It physically hurts)

 

That's a good idea, yes. At some point, you two will need to decide what to do long-term with the dog anyway, but for now, keep your distance. You don't need to be there when she picks him up.

 

The knot in your chest is stress and anxiety. It will subside as you heal emotionally, so I wouldn't worry too much. Obviously if it gets to be unbearable or otherwise disrupts your normal functioning, you should check in with a doctor. For now, it's your body's way of processing the shock.

 

This isn't easy. But speaking from experience of those of us who have been where you are, it does get easier.

[Wiseman2]

Stop making the dog a tug-of-war or tool to lure her back. 🐶The more you chase like this the less the will miss you. All that will happen is the friendzone.

We would also have to get in touch in some way after 3 days so she can grab it back.

[maynards_razorblade69]

Bluecastle, I want you around for my next break up. Everything you say is spot on and what the OP needs to hear, even if he doesn’t want to.