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Super confused!!, is there something going on here that I am not aware of??


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Hello everybody!!, so my boyfriend has a female friend which happens to had been his real state agent like a month after him and I started dating, but he told me they are also ''friends'', they're around the same age group, he is older than her and me, so when my bf did his housewarming party, he invited me and my family plus his family and friends including her, I got a bad vibe when I saw her trying to get her nose in everything in the house, like she was trying to win his family over, bring all the things, food, etc, I saw clearly that she was trying to get his attention all the time,she clearly likes this man, and I noticed him tense, likes stressed in the party and my aunt which is older told me that she clearly noticed that he did looked tense and nervous,anxious.

 

This girl is always messaging him, telling him her problems about her adopted kids, family issues, she even send him a text asking him if he was free at night so they can go out, my boyfriend is very noble, good person and wins a good salary, i told him the day after the housewarming party that I did not like her at all. I don't even talk to my boyfriend this much, or message him, like this woman does!! MAYBE I SHOULD START DOING IT MORE OFTEN.

 

This woman even wanted to be his roommate in the new house he bought for US, she wanted to live in a bedroom efficiency type, mind you this woman has like 4-5 adopted kids.I recently saw some of the messages she sends him, and she seems desperate for his attention, always initiating contact with him, they used to text through whatsapp but now they text more through normal text message, but this past weekend we went to Disney world and he had told her that we were going with his friends , we left on Friday and that same day in the afternoon she texts him on Whatsapp and says : “”Hi, what are you doing?” in Spanish and my boyfriend saw the message but did not reply since we were in Disney with his friend, but still HE COULD OF REPLIED TO HER, BUT DIDN'T! I WONDER WHY?, so i guess she saw that, and then on Sunday she text him again saying: wow you don't say hi anymore!, ok. And that's it.I wonder why he did not reply her? And why in some of the previous messages that she has been asking him if they can hang out, he tells her he is too busy, that he has too much work, and he has brushed her off a couple of times as I saw in the messages.

 

The thing is that well, he did in fact answer her on past Tuesday ( we came late on past Monday) and then he replied to her ” Oh sorry for not answering, I had been in the Disney parks til late and plus my battery was dead. And then he invited her to eat to ”thereby talk about business”, (she offered him if he wanted to join her on her towels business”) so she replied” that she couldn’t cause she was going to go out with her cousin and her cousins husband” and he replied “ok you let me know, If not we go tomorrow ( which he meant yesterday) but I went out with him yesterday, just to see if he was going to give me an excuse, thereby I would have known that he in fact was going to go out with her.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel confused,insecure,should I talk to him openly about all of this with honesty or just wait til I see more of their interactions through their conversations and see if something is really happening?

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Why doesn't your boyfriend tell her that meeting up with her to date like activities is disrespectful to you and that he wouldn't want to upset you or the good relationship the two of you enjoy?

 

He's allowing her to text him and he's not doing anything to dissuade her from all this over-the-top communication.

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should I talk to him openly about all of this with honesty

 

Yes you need to sort this out now before it gets out of control. If you wait you will only get increasingly stressed and put a bad vibe into your relationship. While I think friends of the opposite sex are ok in most situations as long as it is completely platonic, she clearly wants more which is not ok. He needs to either end the friendship or end the relationship if he is unable to stop contact with her. Trust your instincts.

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@sosavvy He has been a very good man to me, pleasing,good,noble. etc, my family likes him a lot, we have been together for 8 months, but his main problem is that he is always trying to help people, always very talkative(He loves to start conversation for example when we go to a restaurant he starts talking to the hostess, Oh i was this or that, and so on this is his personality) I WONDER IF HE LIKES ATTENTION?!! I am not saying it in a bad way, but I have always got the feeling if this is the reason why he likes being so TALKATIVE!!!. His mom told me he has always been a very good and respectful son, BUT that he has always been too trusted in other people, which is not very good, especially there being so many bad intentional people out there.

 

I feel that this girl is after him!! I don't even know how can she possibly manage her life if she has 3 adopted kids, plus now a new baby (which is his same nationality SKETCHY HUM!!!) I feel as if she is looking for reasons to be close to him. ex: asking him to be in a business with her,etc.

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Which is why you need to just have a sit down talk with him. I don’t think it’s him with the bad intentions, but he needs to realize this bothers you and no matter how nice of a guy he is this is effecting your relationship. Your needs, need to come first therefore this friendship of his should end no matter how much he wants to be a nice friend for her. She has other motives and you have a very strong feeling of that which I would listen to. If he is the good man you believe him to be then he will listen to your concerns and act appropriately

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@sosavvy, Exactly, I don't think it's him, perhaps he is oblivious to the fact that this girl likes him, but my aunt which is an older woman told, that HE has to know that she likes him and wants more, he would have to be dumb to not notice that she likes him (He is 47 y/o) I am 30, and she also told me that she does not believe that he is cheating with her or doing nothing bad, BUT she definitely THINKS that SHE IS AFTER HIM FOR SURE!. my Aunt went to the housewarming party as well as my grandparents, and my aunt was checking her out, cause I told her so, That Day I got A really BAD VIBE. I came back home with a headache.

 

I talked to him about it, and he said that NO that she did not like him like that, that she just happened to had been his real state and thereby a friendship began, she had a very moving story, I guess bad things happened in her life and she had to move from her country to another country. blah blah blah. I don't care, I just know she is after him.

 

My aunt also gave me the advice of that I have to try to spend more time with him during the week, since I like to see him on weekends which is when bf/gf get together

andd that I have to call him more, NOT TEXT but CALL HIM. cause IF I don't do this I am giving him more free time on his hands and thereby SHE IS GETTING IN THE WAY DURING THOSE DAYS THAT WE DO NOT SEE EACH OTHER! Do you think this is true?

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I don't buy the "always trying to help people" thing as far as this situation. He's a smart person. He knows she doesn't want his "help" -she's into him. And he likes the ego boost it gives him. If he truly wanted to "help" her and remain appropriate he would have better boundaries and perhaps refer her to people/resources who could help her. I chat to strangers too - I love to meet people -and it doesn't mean I overshare or allow it to become inappropriate.

 

I think men and women can be friends and be involved seriously with others if the opposite sex friend is supportive of the relationship and if the person's spouse/partner has an opportunity to meet the person. And obviously by asking to move in with you guys when she's not even friends with you - she's trying to get close to your guy. And yes I think he knows it.

 

I'd simply tell him that you're fine with him being friendly and polite to her but that she is a train wreck and that you're not comfortable with her behavior/motivations, and that his constant chatting with her is enabling it. I'm sorry you are experiencing this sounds annoying and stressful!

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He very well could be oblivious. I do think at his age he should be picking up on it, but I do know people that just genuinely don’t pick up on the ulterior motive, and just take people on face value.

 

I also do not think that you should have to start going out of your way to spend more time with him than you have been or take up his time on the phone because at the end of the day, if he wants to do something with her, he will do it. You will ruin the relationship by smothering him. Whatever you have been doing has been working, it’s irrational to think if you take up as much of his time as possible that she will simply go away.

 

I also agree with Batya that the whole asking to move in with you was incredibly inappropriate. I would use this as an example for your feelings.

 

I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with him even being friendly with her, she will be holding on to the fact that he replies to her as hope. She doesn’t sound stable or rational.

 

She needs to go if you’re going to continue with the progression of your relationship, in my personal opinion.

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I don't buy the "always trying to help people" thing as far as this situation. He's a smart person. He knows she doesn't want his "help" -she's into him. And he likes the ego boost it gives him. If he truly wanted to "help" her and remain appropriate he would have better boundaries and perhaps refer her to people/resources who could help her. I chat to strangers too - I love to meet people -and it doesn't mean I overshare or allow it to become inappropriate.

 

I think men and women can be friends and be involved seriously with others if the opposite sex friend is supportive of the relationship and if the person's spouse/partner has an opportunity to meet the person. And obviously by asking to move in with you guys when she's not even friends with you - she's trying to get close to your guy. And yes I think he knows it.

 

I'd simply tell him that you're fine with him being friendly and polite to her but that she is a train wreck and that you're not comfortable with her behavior/motivations, and that his constant chatting with her is enabling it. I'm sorry you are experiencing this sounds annoying and stressful!

 

 

The reason why I know more about them talking, is because YES I FEEL GUILTY BUT I went through his phone, curiosity was just killing me, so I went through it and some messages. so He does not know by a bit that I am feeling this way after I saw the messages, cause I have been loving and caring with, I don't want him to suspect, cause that way when I talk to him its just going to sound like an appropriate conversation, to see what is going on between them.

 

Yes I FEEL anxious. I feel he is not cheating or anything, but she is just getting too much in the wayy. wanting to go out with him, etc

Sometimes I would like to REALLY KNOW IF THEY HAVE SOMETHING OR WHAT!! JUST CURIOSITY, A FRIEND TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE TO KEEP TRACK OF THEIR CONVERSATIONS TO SEE HOW THEY DEVELOP. AND THEN TAKE ACTIONS AND TALK TO HIM, BUT I GET VERY ANXIOUS HAVING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND SEE SOMETHING THAT I WONT LIKE OR GET THE WRONG IDEA!!! THEY SAY TEXT MESSAGES CAN BE MISUNDERSTOOD!?

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He very well could be oblivious. I do think at his age he should be picking up on it, but I do know people that just genuinely don’t pick up on the ulterior motive, and just take people on face value.

 

I also do not think that you should have to start going out of your way to spend more time with him than you have been or take up his time on the phone because at the end of the day, if he wants to do something with her, he will do it. You will ruin the relationship by smothering him. Whatever you have been doing has been working, it’s irrational to think if you take up as much of his time as possible that she will simply go away.

 

I also agree with Batya that the whole asking to move in with you was incredibly inappropriate. I would use this as an example for your feelings.

 

I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with him even being friendly with her, she will be holding on to the fact that he replies to her as hope. She doesn’t sound stable or rational.

 

She needs to go if you’re going to continue with the progression of your relationship, in my personal opinion.

 

I agree with both of you, and yes my bf has a problem that I have as well. we try to be too friendly in a good way and it can easily be mistaken with( at least in my case with the fact that maybe I like the other person,flirting or whatever. cause I know this has happened to many people getting the idea that you like them because you are too friendly and nice with them. Which is totally not the case is simply my personality.

 

Should I keep looking on their conversations to see where this leads to? and then just talk to him and make a decision? I don't want to destroy a nice relationship that is serious.

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Should I keep looking on their conversations to see where this leads to? and then just talk to him and make a decision? I don't want to destroy a nice relationship that is serious.

 

I wouldn't tip toe around this. He's an adult who's well aware of what's going on, therefore it's his job to fix this. He's turning a blind eye towards your feelings, while at the same time getting a huge ego boost. It's all about respect, and if it's not there, I'd walk...

 

When all is said and done. he'll either sink or swim, but you'll know where you stand.

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Ugh.

 

I'm going to have a less conventional view on this, but for whatever it's worth...

 

Maybe your husband is a bit oblivious, maybe he's enjoying a tiny ego boost, maybe he's an empathetic person drawn to troubled souls, maybe...well, it's probably some combination of all of that.

 

That said, from everything you're saying (and you know everything, because you're sneaking glances at his phone), he's in no way crossing any lines. He's keeping her at an arm's length, not engaging in flirtatious banter, inviting her around when you're there rather than create some kind of bubble relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't see anything to be freaking out about. I don't see him disrespecting you. If I were him, I'd be super upset that you were looking through his phone, both because of the violation of privacy and the sense that you're not secure in the marriage.

 

Assuming you don't want to be in a relationship where you're looking through someone's phone the moment you're insecure, I'd have a real, adult talk with him and see if you can see eye to eye.

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I don't see anything wrong ... I have a friend who is like this woman who keeps texting your boyfriend. There are people who are needy for attention and will seek it from anyone who gives it to them. Your boyfriend isn't enabling her or flirting with her so something tells me he is either oblivious or too nice.

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If I were you I wouldn't keep looking on their conversations...It would bother the hell out of me.

 

Just talk straight to him, tell him you are annoyed by this "friendship" and you don t want them to continue chatting (at least not EVERY DAY).

I don't find normal to text a woman friend every day, she's not his sister, they don't know eachother for years...

 

He's 47 yo, common, it's not like he couldn't see what she's up to, but he likes the feeling of being wanted and needed (maybe white knight syndrome?).

 

And the main issue here it would be he is not really care about your feelings regarding this situation and this is never a good sign.

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If I were you I wouldn't keep looking on their conversations...It would bother the hell out of me.

 

Just talk straight to him, tell him you are annoyed by this "friendship" and you don t want them to continue chatting (at least not EVERY DAY).

I don't find normal to text a woman friend every day, she's not his sister, they don't know eachother for years...

 

He's 47 yo, common, it's not like he couldn't see what she's up to, but he likes the feeling of being wanted and needed (maybe white knight syndrome?).

 

And the main issue here it would be he is not really care about your feelings regarding this situation and this is never a good sign.

 

Exactly, I just cant believe he is that oblivious about her, I think he knows very well the whole situation, or does not want to accept it.,he told me about two weeks out of the blues that, they were planning or thinking of doing business together. I dont like this!!!!!

 

I don’t know exactly what is going.!!! he should not accept that this woman is always wanting to go out with him, she even asked him what he was going to do on a certain night, if they could go out, and then she asked to go to the movies with him, these messages are from like about a mile month and a half ago. In two time He brushed her off,telling her that he was very busy, she just seems to desperate in all the messages that I read, she wants attention and obviously wants the man too.

 

I am dying to see his reaction.

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My husband is a people pleaser and will chat people up wherever we go, too. He is my second husband, and when we became exclusive, we spoke about relationship boundaries and came to an agreement we were both happy with. To me, you have to agree on the boundaries to have a satisfying relationship without daily stress.

 

This isn't a beauty pageant competition where you're trying to outdo the other contestants. It's about having a discussion with him about what your relationship boundaries are, and you want to know if you two match in that way or not. Don't be a doormat and accept behavior you don't agree with. That's settling.

 

She is overly-involved in his life. Tell him you're not comfortable with another woman communicating with him daily. That you are not comfortable with him having a close female friend who is seeking to have one-on-one dates with him. That her interest in him is too much and that starting a business with her ensures continuing daily contact with him, which is not good for your relationship with him.

 

If he doesn't have a spine to end this inappropriate relationship and wants to please another to your detriment, then he's not the right man for you. What is his past relationship history like? Has he been able to sustain any long term ones? Something else to consider, plus your age gap puts your relationship at a higher risk level. Here's an excerpt from an article on age gap relationships:

 

A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. Partners from different generations may have different cultural reference points and values, and polar opposite tastes in music and film, and even friends, and also have different approaches to their sex life, says Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills psychotherapist and panelist on “Sex Box,” a forthcoming We TV relationship therapy show. “Sex drive goes up for women in middle age, but sexual function decreases for men.”

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I wouldn't approach him in terms of your feelings or carry on how you don't like this woman - it will just make you look weak and jealous and ultimately might drive him into becoming curious what this other woman has that scares you so much.

 

Instead, do approach it as a relationship boundary issue. Don't ask him, just tell him straight up that the following are your relationship boundaries and these behaviors are OK and those are not. Be sure that it applies equally to both of you and be sure it's things you can and will enforce. Meaning that if he continues to cross and disrespect those boundaries because the "poor little so and so just needs this or that", then have the strength and self respect to walk away from him for real.

 

That said, personally, I agree with other posters that it seems he is keeping her at bay and is not being inappropriate with her. So not sure why you feel so threatened. Yes, she may well be hitting on him, but he isn't taking the bait. About the only flaw that I see is that he doesn't say no to her more bluntly and instead just pushes her away with "sorry busy". However, if he is a people pleaser, then you should expect that he will have a hard time just saying "no" more bluntly and you either learn to accept it or you need to find someone else. He isn't going to change.

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He is the issue, not her. 🤫 Are you a secret? 🙈🙉🙊 He seems to act single and not mention he is seeing someone.

 

No not at all, he invited her and her aunt besides our family members to our house warming get together, she knows he is my boyfriend.we met in the House warming get together.

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I don’t get it. Can you not have a conversation with him? It really feels like you’re creating a lot of drama where there isn’t much.

 

This woman is maybe a little desperate, clinging onto your husband a bit. In response, he’s keeping her at arms length, blowing her off, not keeping you or his relationship secret. Is the issue that he’s a nice guy and in his “niceness” he tries to please too many people at once?

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