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Women think I'm creepy. I think I really, really just realized that.


oscuro
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I did encounter discrimination as well which I realized in my 20s. I am a brown man. I am treated differently by women of different races. I am treated with more friendliness and less automatic distrust by most hispanic and black women I meet.

 

I think you have a friendlier reaction because you are not automatically assuming they will reject you.

 

There was a guy on social media who did an experiment. he is a black man who wears dreadlocks. One day he put a smile on his face, dressed in freshly pressed slacks, a button down shirt and a sweater vest - and guess what -- he got plenty of smiles and "good mornings" from other people - white people, asian people, black people. And met new people. When he dressed in a hoodie in the summer time and didn't smile, people crossed the street. Honestly, i don't think its the color of your skin. Sure, there are asian women who want to date asian men and white women who want to date white men - and that's fine - but the overall initial reception of you is affected by what you project to people.

 

If you are "wrestling with your childhood" and "make dark art with spit and blood on it" - you are going to get a far different reaction from people and its wrong to assume its because of your skin color. People pick up on that vibe big time

 

I do highly recommend that you find a good, positive male mentor in addition to counseling. you can start with associations that are related to your profession. You will undoubtably meet men who are business owners or have been otherwise successful in the field to get to know.

 

I also recommend that you DO NOT DATE - that you figure yourself out because you are only going to attract women who are troubled themselves.

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Why would you think a complete stranger wearing a mask would be a kindred spirit based on what she typed and her photo? I thought as an artist you were more inclined to think deeply? My sense is you sidestepped your typical introspection because of desperation. That is why I am concerned for your safety given your choices right now.

 

We spoken online several times over the span of a few weeks. Her social media presence communicated concerns about the U.S. and commentary on philosophical concerns. Everything Ive stated there does not mean we were kindred spirits. Thats up for interpretation.

 

I agree that I am desperate and lonely though. However I think this meeting with this person was not dramtically different from dates Ive had with people by meeting them online. The dramatic difference was the mask.

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Then you need to make your life more full with activities. You should not look to others to fill you up. You are not ready to date after such a long-term relationship.

 

This wasnt a date. It was sincerely an opportunity to hang out and paint. We did paint, drink tea, and listen to music.

 

I know I met her on Tinder but the situation was too odd for me to approach it as a date. I just sought relaxing moment with someone.

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Exactly. That was also strange to me. I thought she'd be a kindred spirit who would not consider me creepy. I don't know. All I know is that I don't drive that van. She remarked on how a cop was following her when she came to my apartment. I saw the cop. The cop left when she parked. She said he probably changed his mind when he saw her. She's a young blonde woman. I stated the story would've been very different if I was driving that van.

 

I've never met this woman and she's irritating me lol. She just seems full of herself.

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Well, I wonder if all your questions about your inability to find a girlfriend and everything else would be answered if we knew what you looked like. For example, here are two folks who people consider creepy.

 

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Peter Lorre.

 

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Marty Feldman

 

Are we talking about a situation like this? Maybe you can improve your appearance.

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Hi oscuro, I haven’t read all the responses but my thought is -- how about trying to get to know women who are also artistic, who understand your art (versus thinking it’s “creepy”); attending art exhibits and events, things like that where you’re sure to find like-minded people.

 

Secondly, own your art! You think it’s beautiful, unique, whatever you feel about it, it’s your work, you should feel PROUD of it, own it!

 

Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks? Why are you so concerned about that, seriously.

 

In fact, I would venture to guess that even those women who might otherwise find it “creepy” might be drawn/attracted to you simply by virtue of your owning it, not being embarrassed by it, and not giving a rat’s rear end what anyone else thinks. THAT type of confidence is extremely appealing to many women.

 

IMO it does not matter where your dark nature stems from (unresolved issues with your mom?), it’s your nature, your art, your work, own it, accept it, and feel proud of it. If you have unresolved issues with your mom, address those issues and your low-self esteem separately.

 

By the way, my nature also tends to be a bit “dark” from time to time, which reveals itself in short stories I write (not as much these days, unfortunately), some of which could seriously be made into one of those “slasher” films (depending on my mood of which I have many).

 

And not that this means a hill of beans, but I enjoy the dark side of things sometimes and without having seen it, generally speaking the type of art you do would be quite appealing to me.

 

Based on the variety of responses here I am getting I am reaching the conclusion that I must

 

1. own my art. maybe I will feel come off as a better person in doing so.

2. address my personal issues that may or may not appear in my work

3. don't wrap my identity into my work too much

4. not be surprised if people are turned off by what I do. I should not worry about their opinions.

 

 

By the way, my nature also tends to be a bit “dark” from time to time, which reveals itself in short stories I write (not as much these days, unfortunately), some of which could seriously be made into one of those “slasher” films (depending on my mood of which I have many).

 

My heart fluttered reading that.

 

I think I appreciate when people can allow their heart and minds to explore those parts that require a vulnerability and a fear. It takes a certain strength to explore it through a creative medium. As an educator of non-professional artists, there is often an apprehension explore certain things through that creative process.

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I think that there are other options outside of Tinder. Have you considered Meet ups, volunteering, classes etc....?

 

I have and I need to look at it more thoroughly. The Tinder thing was somewhat incidental. I was on there with the intention of dating. The found the masked woman there and her link to her instagram. I started talking to her through instagram. I gave up any intention of wanting a "date" with her--she throws off some warning signs. However I was comfortable making art with her and it was nice. I have uninstalled Tinder, for the time being.

 

I will continue looking at meetups to see what looks interesting.

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My heart fluttered reading that.

 

I think I appreciate when people can allow their heart and minds to explore those parts that require a vulnerability and a fear. It takes a certain strength to explore it through a creative medium. As an educator of non-professional artists, there is often an apprehension explore certain things through that creative process.

 

Thanks oscuro, much appreciation right back at ya!

 

I write (and have written) about death a lot; not sure where it stems from, I have been writing about it since grade school.

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I did not click on your highlights, because it would reveal my insta to you, but to me, the highlight collection marked F___ everything and the crotch shot of the mannequin or doll (or maybe its the masked woman but the legs are pretty shiny so i assumed it was the doll), are more juvenile than "Dark". There are ways of exploring the id, sadness, the darker nature very movingly through art and literature and then there are ways of doing it that look like acting out. As far as your appearance - some women really like beards, some find them menacing -- i think the masked woman was saying you were creepy due to your demeanor and art vs your face --- but if you want to try something different, having your beard groomed in a different way, getting different glasses, would switch up your look. Deciding not to have a beard and mustache would change how you looked, as well. But then again, some women like beards -- but maybe tweaking your look will give you a different 'tude.

 

Also, my aunt is 64. she wanted to meet a man. She is attractive, takes care of herself, and has been asked out by 45 year olds thinking she is 50. She needed to not say "well, this is ME, deal with it" to meet the men she wanted to meet (59-69, kids already grown and out of the houses, a widower or a long ago divorcee who is active and interested in stuff). she wanted a man she didn't have to financially support - was healthy and not just sitting around waiting for his social security check. The competition is high for women at that point because there are just more women 60+ than there are men. So what did she do? WHERE does she meet men like that? She went where the men were. She started going to car shows. She learned to play golf. Sure, there were a lot of couples, but she did meet a few men for dates and eventually met someone because single women are few and far between in the car show circuit and ditto golf in her area - as far as single women vs married. Did learning to play golf or talking people up at carshows go against "WHO SHE IS?" and make her not "own" herself?

 

So if you are not attracting women being the "complicateD' Guy - you don't have to be the "complicated guy". Where do the type of women you want to date go? what do they do? And no, don't say "i want a hot woman" --- do they volunteer for cat rescues? Do they take foreign language classes at night? what do they do?

 

But anyhow - before you even do anything --- 3 months is not long enough to be single. you are just going to meet a woman with severe issues herself until you gain some insight and make some moves

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Have you considered teaching art to kids or emotionally/physically challenged adults as a volunteer?

 

Volunteering has not crossed my mind lately but I will look into that. Some time ago i was considering becoming a mentor to younger people.

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Volunteering has not crossed my mind lately but I will look into that. Some time ago i was considering becoming a mentor to younger people.

 

I volunteered with and taught and mentored children and teenagers for many years. It’s very rewarding and there’re is always a huge need for adults who are. I highly recommend it.

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Well, don't contact readily available random homeless riffraff off Tinder. 🚯 Be selective in who you contact and meet them for an introductory coffee in public, don't invite this kind of trash to your home. She could have been a junkie, drug dealer, thief, casing out your place, etc. Elevate your standards. Don't be predatory, looking for down and out and easy. Play with fire, get burned 🔥

I thought she'd be a kindred spirit
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Also that sex doll in some of the photos is not mine. My guest brought it with her because of course she would. I simply documented it for posterity.

 

The more I read the more creepy this entire thread gets, imo. It also seems like you're using this thread to promote your artwork? Not sure what all your art/pictures have to do with women thinking you're creepy.

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Agree. Why do these multiple same topic threads have to have artsy pics of exes and pics of "art" and links to it?

The more I read the more creepy this entire thread gets, imo. It also seems like you're using this thread to promote your artwork? Not sure what all your art/pictures have to do with women thinking you're creepy.
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It was not a date. I did not intend it as a date. I just wanted a guest over to paint because I wanted company. The meeting felt too variable and so I was not comfortable framing it as a date.

 

I am talking about you dating in general, not just this one incidence. You've been on dates, dating websites, and even created past threads focusing on your dates/potential dates (race, pictures) or how you look to them (being an artist, weird, creepy, etc).

 

My point is, you are wasting your focus on dating, rather than moving on from your recent relationship that ended about a couple of months ago. Not doing this...well we can clearly see how this leads to feelings of inadequacy. I am currently in the same boat as you, so please don't feel like you aren't enough or have to change. You need time to get over those feelings.

 

I suggest to not date for a while, at least a whole six months up to a year. It is really hard not to scratch that itch to find someone again. However, we all need that time. You are not ready to date yet.

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If you produce art which is covered with dirt, blood, spit etc, some people will find it creepy. It will chime with some other people, especially if they're interested in the darker side of life (I know a few artist friends who I'm sure would be interested in your work). When your date described you as 'creepy', was it actually a compliment? Going by your description of her, it's an adjective which also applies to her. However, it might be useful for you to find out what she meant.

 

The kind of guys I'd describe as 'creepy' are the ones who stare in an intrusive way or otherwise invade my personal space, like asking intrusive questions. A male friend of a friend, someone I didn't know and had never met, once went through all the photos of me on FB and 'Liked' every one of them, concluding with the comment "You are sooooo pretty nutbrownhare..." I blocked him immediately because I found it creepy - regardless of how he presented himself or apparently normal he looked.

 

I've also met people who were into the black leather goth look with makeup intended to make them look like vampires or zombies, who weren't creepy at all.

 

I'll just leave you with this little clip from Woody Allen. For some reason your post reminded me of it.

 

 

Thats Annie Hall right? Ive often found Woody Allen creepy, but Iused to work with a woman eho had the looks of a goddess, and she thought he was hot

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There's a difference between introverted versus self absorbed. Lots of introverts are still social. Self absorbed people are anti-social. Lots of people equate anti-social with creepy because by definition, most anti-social people have dropped the social skills to help others feel relaxed in their presence.

 

Social skills are less about what we say or do in a given moment, and more about how we make people feel. If we spend too much time on introspection, it leaves too little time for interaction. That imbalance keeps our focus on self consciousness, and we lose our ability to operate socially with ease. This translates chaotically to others.

 

This is why our best healing comes from behaving our way out of dis-ease rather than thinking our way out. When thinking happens in a vacuum, it's not externally informed enough to ground us and teach us the comforts of generous interaction.

 

During my worst time of anxiety or grief, I find ways to bond with others. I help neighbors, friends, family or my community with anything from cleanups or gardening to meal prep or treating someone to lunch. The idea is to move myself out of my own way and participate in the lives of others. I make the time about them, not me. It grounds me and normalizes me and inspires me to live generously.

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