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If you are unhappy being in debt and slaving to pay it off or end up having to sell it then there's a conflict going on that you haven't worked out yet. It's either one or the other. Buy what you can afford and keep it or buy like crazy and play catch up working to pay off debt, selling it etc.

 

Treating yourself to things you enjoy for working hard is vastly different than this push-pull with yourself. And this push-pull conflict seems to be reflected in your love life, so it's not just about stuff, debt and working.

 

If you want a less psychobabble approach, buy everything with cash. No debt, no reselling, no working to the point of no down time, etc.

I lost a great girl recently due to actions I’ve made in the past that put me in debt and I spend a lot of time at work to pay that debt off

I’ve been trying to sell a lot of my stuff because I realized I would never feel the pain I feel without it

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As DancingFool already alluded to a lot of therapy now is more like engine light on, stalled out, a tune up. The old model of laying on a couch psychoanalyzing childhood went out the window in the 1980s because it was shown to be not only nonproductive but counterproductive.

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Had my first session today. I can’t say anything came out of it but it felt good to unload. Not that I haven’t been doing it here. I wasn’t expecting it to change my life although I never thought I’d be sitting across the room from a stranger, sharing my thoughts and barely looking them in their eyes.

After, I’m starting to think that all of my relationships would have failed. With my parents, my friends, and the people that chose to be intimate with me. This was a big first step. I’m hoping I keep it up.

I went to the dealership yesterday to see if they would buy one of my bikes. They wouldn’t but gave me a very good price on a trade in. Three weeks ago I would have jumped on it but after your post, dancingfool, it was easy for me to decline and walk out.

I don’t know which events in my life are life changing and which aren’t. I know that my failed relationships taught me things like saying “you’re beautiful,” “thinking of you,” etc., made this last one so much more special. I did everything I knew how to do with her but I just didn’t know enough. I hope I keep this up. I hope I don’t let anyone down again.

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Every time I’ve posted in this forum, it has always been on the break up sub. Here is the first place I got some real feedback that fit in with everything that has failed in my relationships.

I don’t know where my isolation from the world started, whether it was when I was made fun of growing up, or loss of a family member, or a failed relationship, but I’m starting to think hard that reading and posting there is counter productive.

I never posted there when things are going well in my relationships. I’m not everybody but I have a feeling that some (if not most) don’t go on there to offer a solution because it worked for them, which there never is one anyway. They go there to relate and talk about what worked for them to move on, which is great. Reading those really just make me feel like it can come to an end and then I start to relate myself. That really digs me deeper in the hole I feel like.

When emotions run high logic runs low from what I’ve heard and re reading my posts it only reinforces that theory.

I, myself, feel so much remorse from how I’ve treated those that love me. Better yet how I lacked in treating those that love me, well.

For example I lost one girl and I got feedback on how girls love to be called beautiful. Next one I called beautiful every day but I didn’t buy her flowers. Then someone said, women love flowers, so I told the next one she was beautiful every day and started buying flowers. Then someone said some people are just incompatible. Then I forget the compliments and the flowers and it’s start at the bottom. That disappointment really doesn’t help progress. I think that was part of my problem, at least with intimate relationships. I always felt like they would end so there was no point in showing her how much I loved her (even though I did). Then she leaves and I’m left there looking for “answers.”

 

I should really stop looking/posting there.

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I bought a Rolex recently. Something I’ve wanted as a kid. The deal was in the works before I lost my girl and I had to follow through. It’s up for sale. I can sell it, sell the bikes at a loss and get back to manageable monthly expenses which will help me pay off more debt and eventually I’ll be left with a mortgage a car payment and student loans. I bought a reliable car so the car payment will eventually disappear.

I also met an old friend tonight. Someone that helped me out when I was broke paying for my “stuff” he covered my rent for a couple of months so I can continue on making mistakes. He was happy to see me (we haven’t seen or spoken with each other in two years). He had no idea I was going to pay him back a small amount of what I owed. He is in between work and has been ok enough not to remind me I owed him. His reaction felt better than riding the bikes or wearing the shoes. Just me opening up felt better and being involved in conversations about our past felt like I was in a different world. I’m happy. And drunk. And I think my last break up was a game changer.

Edited by ahd15
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Did you grow up poor? It seems buying all this stuff is making up for something, no?

 

I don’t think buying all the stuff had anything to do with what I lacked as a kid or didn’t. Nor anything to do problems handling money. All my bills are paid but I’m alone.

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Don’t get me wrong I’m struggling in the sense that I work 80 hour weeks and am always thinking about work but when I’m there I’m miserable because all I think about is how I can justify my time there. So I buy a shiny new thing. Then I justify it by saying “it’ll last” or “it’ll go up in value” but the truth is, now I realize that I’m shut out from life and the people that want me around can’t have me so they leave.

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It feels like I’m spinning tires in reverse.

Tonight was my ex’s cousin’s rehearsal dinner. I was invited (family only). I was also invited to her cousins wedding tomorrow. It was a hard day but I can’t lie, I feel better.

I met up with a friend tonight and talked briefly about what today was but I also explained to him why I felt better and we had conversations about the things he’s in to, like watches, cars, and I gave him advice on what I’ve learned while being in to those things. We connected and I didn’t want to buy a watch or a new car in result.

Someone posted here “I was a good boyfriend but I was never a good partner.” That line really resonated with me. I’ve always been good. Never stole, never cheated, never abused. I always told myself I’m not a liar but I have lied. I lied to keep my personal life to myself. I have been a liar to myself too.

I realize now that I was never a “good friend,” a “good son,” a “good employee” and most certainly not a “good partner.”

I love my parents. They never neglected me, paid attention to me, and raised me to be good. Yet, I only talked to them when they needed something from me or I needed something from them. I’d give them what they needed because I’m good but I’d ask them for what I needed because I was not a “good son.”

I’d make a commitment to my friend and if I met a girl I’d schedule a date that same night without thinking of them. I wouldn’t stand them up because I am good, and tell them why, but I would put my needs first, because I wasn’t a “good friend.”

I was good at what I do but my boss who became my friend had spent a lot of time explaining his vision. It wasn’t mine. I say that he’s my friend because he’s ok with me leaving this job and starting out somewhere else. He’s helped me pay for my mistakes, treated me to breakfast, invited me to his family’s dinners, who he barely sees, and helped me get a place to call home. I thought about everything else while at work because I wasn’t a “good employee.”

I listened to my girlfriend, gave her emotional support, told her she’s beautiful (which she told me got her to stop walking up her stairs when she read that text), I may have even bought her flowers if I was smart enough, wouldn’t cheat on her, wouldn’t make her feel bad about anything, because I was good. But I wasn’t a “good partner.” I missed this rehearsal dinner because I wasn’t a “good partner.” Not that I wouldn’t have made it because I would, but next week, next month, next year I’d be late for dinner for the 5th time because I’d have to work late to give someone a day off, or because I bought a watch, or because I wanted to see the new art exhibit at the new museum next Friday so I’d have to miss work then because it was something that made only me happy.

(I realize the paragraph about my girlfriends is longer but the point is the same. I’m at this point thanks to her.)

That crap stops now. It should have stopped 10 years ago. If I could go back 10 years I would have never fallen in to this pit of self sabotage. The thought process, that nothing I want will last so I have to keep trying something new. Forgetting my girl, my friends, my family.

Everything I have is up for sale at a loss. I don’t care about any of the things that I thought made me happy. I know now that I can never be more unhappy than this and I never want to be back at this low point.

The fact that I can’t tell her this tears me up. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I’d be homeless if I could get her to hear this but I can’t. I have every for of contact open. We ended things on good terms for her because that’s what she wanted. Because I was good.

I feel better because I realize this now and I know that while I’ll lose friends, I’ll lose family, and I’ll lose partners, at the end of my life, will be able to say I was a “good person.” I wasn’t.

Edited by ahd15
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Lately I’ve come to the realization that money is time. Before I used to think time was money and never thought I’d change my viewpoint.

Anyway right now I’m paying a lot for two motorcycles, which are both currently up for sale because I can’t seem to find the time to enjoy them, because I’m working to pay for them. I also smoke cigarettes which I am not proud of and I wish I didn’t but they are, in a way, an excuse to be alone whether it be at work, or just a chance to step away.

I was thinking of a challenge. For myself.

Every two packs I buy, costs me x amount of time at work to pay for the packs.

Now I can consolidate my two bikes for one and use the money to pay for the one motorcycle. It would get me out more, I can do what I enjoy doing, and it won’t kill me (from the inside out).

They only way that challenge will fail is if I decide to say f it and start buying cigarettes again. And that’s a challenge in and of itself.

I’m looking for some recommendations on some methods I can use to stick to it. Maybe one of you guys quit smoking years back and can tell me how you did it, or maybe someone can help me brainstorm on how to keep this up in case I slip. Either way I need to quit having 2 bikes and smoking. Right now I’m quitting the bikes. I do want to quit smoking as well but it’s tough as I have a hard time with getting rid of the bikes along with some other things going on in my head.

Thanks!

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Doing a total overhaul after the blow of a breakup is common, but if you're trying to be someone you're not much of it won't stick.

 

I’m sorry at first I read that as “someone you’re not” missed the “if”

 

This overhaul is for me. I don’t like working 80 hours a week, I like riding motorcycles and I don’t like the fact that I smoke.

I could be way off the charts but if you’re saying that I should just keep smoking because I just broke up with someone, that’s what I’ve been doing. I don’t know that it’s healthy either way.

I’ve needed an overhaul long ago. Better yet I went against everyone’s advice and at one point even stopped asking, so this should have never happened in the first place. This last girl was just a slap in the face to wake up. This isn’t a quick fix it’ll take me a while. I was just asking for advice on my idea.

Edited by ahd15
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I think I understand but I don’t understand what to “do” and that’s the point. It’s not the “act of” but being self aware, and to get used to practicing that even though I know I will never understand.

None of this makes sense and that’s the point.

Edited by ahd15
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Make an appointment with a dentist. Make sure you don't have gum disease or oral problems from smoking. Schedule a cleaning every 3 mos for the next year. Put your money and health insurance to good use for a change. Get them whitened somewhat if they are stained from smoking.

 

All the European cars, designer clothes, Swiss watches, etc. do nothing if you open your mouth and have Halloween teeth or bad breath. By the way, since you are quite status conscious, dentition and diction are the number one way people unconsciously estimate/perceive your socioeconomic status. Not accoutrements like jewelry and clothes.

I should just keep smoking because I just broke up with someone, that’s what I’ve been doing. I don’t know that it’s healthy either way.
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Make an appointment with a dentist. Make sure you don't have gum disease or oral problems from smoking. Schedule a cleaning every 3 mos for the next year. Put your money and health insurance to good use for a change. Get them whitened somewhat if they are stained from smoking.

 

All the European cars, designer clothes, Swiss watches, etc. do nothing if you open your mouth and have Halloween teeth or bad breath. By the way, since you are quite status conscious, dentition and diction are the number one way people unconsciously estimate/perceive your socioeconomic status. Not accoutrements like jewelry and clothes.

 

It’s not about that although I agree. I think having a tune up is never a bad idea. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Your coworker is married, you were dating. I wouldn't discuss a big purchase with someone I was dating unless we were cohabitating or engaged. But yes when you become a couple in the long term, you are a team and big decisions like a big purchase should be discussed.

 

Being busy is one thing, but everyone has to eat, why does it bother you to sit and eat a meal for an hour? I mean in a restaurant with a friend or romantic partner. Are you really missing out on something in life in that hour? Sometimes you have to stop to smell the roses.

 

Some guys don't buy flowers. If you're not that guy, then find a girl that doesn't need them. But if you meet someone special who is worth changing for, then buying flowers isn't that big of a change. Buying flowers is a behavior change rather than a personality change. Don't change your personality for someone, but you can change your actions for the right person.

 

I love to travel, my ex husband hated it and went on every trip kicking and screaming. But then when we got to our destination, he thanked me. Not everyone loves to travel, so when I meet someone I find out where they are on travel. Do they travel? Will they travel? Do they have the money to travel? Those questions are important to me.

 

Thank you so much for the response. I’m handling the debt responsibly. It can’t be that. It’s just that I work a lot to make enough which left little time for me and her. I loved her but I was always in a rush. Didn’t stop to buy her flowers, didnt like sitting down at a restaurant because I felt like I wanted to move on to the next thing without waiting. I brought that up once just in conversation.

We never argued, I told her she’s beautiful almost every day. I meant it.

I bought something while I was with her without telling her. Why didn’t I think to talk to her or tell her? That’s why I brought up my coworker. What made me feel like it was not important to talk to someone I had a future with?

Ultimately this isn’t about her. She did what she thought was right and I can’t blame her. That’s all in a different part of the forum.

Why didn’t I think it was right to include her or anyone else in the decisions I’ve made?

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I had no idea there were so many pages of replies when I replied, so I apologize if I gave duplicate advice.

 

You’re ok. If I knew what I know now it would be different. I called her beautiful every day, we didn’t fight didn’t argue just one day poof it was over. If I knew it was coming, honestly I would have bought her all the flowers in the world.

Its funny I wanted to stop by to get her flowers on my way home but I felt like something was wrong. Got to my house and she broke up with me.

I’m honestly not a bad person. Making her happy was my number one. I just didn’t let her get close enough for some reason. It’s not just her it was everyone. It’s hard to explain but she got closer to me than anyone ever did. I miss her but what can I do?

I definitely don’t want this to be another reason for not letting people close to me. That’s my struggle right now.

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