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Dealing with my first heartbreak after a summer fling with my coworker


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This summer for the first time ever, I (20F) had someone who seemed genuinely interested in pursuing me. He (19M) was my coworker and this, combined with the fact that he was very flirty (gave me "player" vibes) made me hesitant to be involved with him in a romantic sense. After getting my number, he consistently texted me, complimenting my appearance, asking about my day/saying good morning, telling me about himself etc. Sometimes we would spent the whole day texting each other.

As time went on, I began to grow fond of him (as a friend) and eventually began to really like him. It felt like he actually cared about me and saw me as special. I wasn't used to this at all and it felt really nice to have someone to talk to and laugh with, as I was pretty lonely. So I decided to give him a chance.

 

Before doing so though, I let him know that I was going back to school after the summer was over (my school is about 45 minutes away but I don't come home much during the semester). I tried to use this as a last attempt to insist on being friends (I was a bit afraid of getting into something that would inevitably end), but he seemed okay with it, which made me think that he was still interested in continuing this after summer was over.

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[/indent]Fast forward a week or two, he asked me to come over his house to hang out. I was extremely nervous, as we had never hung out outside of work yet and I didn't really want the first time hanging out to be at his house. I eventually agreed however and ended up having sex with him (lost my virginity). He had to go to a meeting afterwards so I left.

 

I was a bit afraid after this because I thought that maybe this is all he had wanted, and that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. However, he texted me to check up on me and I felt reassured that he actually liked me.

However, I did notice a change in behavior about a week or two after. All the affectionate texts and phone calls grew less and less and the mental/emotional interest turned mainly sexual. Now, I was definitely into him sexually as well, but I began to miss how it was when we first started talking.

 

As the time came closer for me to leave, the texting and calling (affectionate or not) dropped dramatically. Now I did reach out and text and call him first a few times, but I still began to panic and feel very afraid that he was losing interest. We hooked up about 3 more times, and each time I felt so used afterwards, as he didn't seem attentive to my pleasure (think "pump and dump") and would be very distant after sex.

I began to wonder what he was thinking about us and what it he considered our relationship to be, but I was too scared of rejection to ask and decided to say nothing. We barely communicated the week before I left and the last day I saw him at work, I left a goodbye letter in his bag.

 

In the letter, I pretty much just said how great it was to have met him, how glad I was he was my first and how I would miss him. He responded the next day saying how sweet it was and that he hoped I "found my way" and that I was special.

I was devastated, as his wording made me feel that we would never speak again. The next few days were incredibly hard, as I felt depressed and couldn't eat or get out of bed till late afternoon. 3 days later however, he called me to check up on me. This had not only surprised me, but made my sad feelings go away almost instantly. I began to have hope that maybe we would still talk. The phone call was very short, barely five minutes but it was enough to give me some hope. However, that hope was short-lived.

 

Now I had just started school a few days ago and we haven't spoken since Monday. Based on watching his snapchat, it seems as if he has already began talking to someone else (it seemed like he was on a date). I feel like my chest is being ripped apart because I still think about him all the time and have feelings for him, but it seemed as if he moved on so fast and doesn't even care about me.

I know we hadn't been talking for long (June to August) but I still feel so attached to him. I don't know how to go on. Any advice on how to cope is much appreciated.

 

TL;DR Had a bit of a summer fling with a coworker. He was my first everything and I got attached. Had to go back to school and spoke to him a few days ago but it seems he has already found another girl based on his social media. Heartbroken and don't know how to cope, as I feel I can't focus on school.

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I think you need to take some deep breaths and relax. It was just a summer fling. 19-year-old boys are pretty much into themselves and getting whatever they can. You're away at school, There should be lots of boys around who are smart and nice and have a lot in common with you. Go to some parties, make some new friends, have some fun. You'll get over him and you'll make other friends.

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I think your suspicions that he was just after sex were correct.

 

He is very young, inherently immature, and didn't really give any indication he wanted more than sex. I know it's hard because he was your first and he was giving you attention for a while there, but he didn't appear to have any intention of actually dating. This is why it seems easy for him to go on the next girl now, because he had no significant emotional attachment to you. He obviously found you attractive but that's more or less where it ended for him.

 

DanZee is right - go out and make some new friends at school, join in some social activities, enjoy the change of scenery. And delete him off social media; there is no point in being an audience member to his goings-on back home. You will feel better soon, OP, I promise. You sound like a really kind girl, so the right guy is going to snap you up.

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Sorry to hear this. Live and learn. 🚷Do not date coworkers. Or have casual sex if it doesn't work for you. You are never "used" if you agree to no strings sex. If this was a learning experience, you will learn to enjoy sex with more experience and more mature experienced boys.

 

Pull your self respect together and decide what you want. If it's dating that leads to an exclusive relationship, then set the bar for that. As far as summer flings, it happens and it came and went as they usually do.🌞

We hooked up about 3 more times, and each time I felt so used afterwards
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Thank you for this. You are right I think I definitely just need to get out there and more involved. I know it was just a summer fling, but sometimes I just felt that we could continue it even after I went to school, based on some of our conversations and the fact that my school isn't far. I think because I imagined that, that's why it hurts. Plus we went from talking on the phone for hours and texting all day to nothing. Feels like I lost a friend.

 

Anyways, I will try that and hopefully with time I'll get over it. Thanks again :)

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Yeah I wanted sex, I guess by "used" I meant that I felt it wasn't so much a give and take, like I felt more interested in his pleasure than he did mine. From now on, I know that casual sex isn't from me, as I think I have a tendency to get attached. Honestly, I feel more attached to the conversations we had, since we wouldn't go a day without speaking to each other. It was nice to have someone like that for once.

 

Thank you for your response :)

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Yeah looking back I think I can see that too. It just hurts cause why call me everyday and text me asking about how I am doing and tell me random stuff? He even asked me to go on dates but our schedules didn't match up much (plus I'm a vegan lol so it made it harder). I feel like he may have wanted more until I told him I was going back to school, that's when things started to change a bit. I just thought our conversations and stuff would mean something to him like it did to me so that's what hurts.

 

I have muted his snapchat and will not be looking again anytime soon cause I need some time to heal. I will also try to get more involved in school as well to take my mind off things.

 

Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot :)

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It's not that your time together didn't mean anything to him, but at just 19 he likely is not interested in dating someone who was about to leave for school. Even if you're not far away, you're still not there with him. And honestly, if your schedules were so different that you couldn't make a date happen when you lived in the same place, attempting anything long-distance would have been very frustrating for both of you.

 

It's better this way, in the end. Continuing to communicate while he goes out with other girls would have hurt a lot more.

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Our schedules didn't match up cause one of us often worked when the other was off. But yeah you're totally right. Need to see the reality instead of hoping for a fantasy. Long distance wouldn't have worked out.

 

It's just the idea of never speaking again that is really hard for me but you're right, I don't think I could handle hearing about him being with other girls right now.

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