Please help me !

[poojac]

Hi, I have been married for 14 years now and have a 11 year old son. I walked out of his home 7 years back when I couldnt get along with his parents and he wasnt ready to live separately with him. He would come and see me and my son on weekends. But as my son was getting confused with this arrangement, I stopped him from seeing his son on weekends too. I hoped that he would miss us and moved back to us and set up a home but he didnt. He begged me to come and stay with his parents home. One day I threatened him to give divorce and he came to me running to my home and stayed for 1.6 years. But later his dad expired so left to his parents home again to be with his mom. He started again to beg me to return home but I never did as he was living on his mom's money and earned little and wasted all money he earned and never spent on me or my kid. But he still wanted me to stay and would daily beg me. I trusted that he loves me but unable to set up a home because he was incapable of earning money. I have not met him for the past 2 years though we talk on whats app and update about son. But I wont let him meet my son because my son is getting confused with a weeked dad.

Suddenly last month, I came to know that my husband was in a full-fledged affair for the past 6 years - even while he was begging me to come and live with him! WOW! When I confronted him through messages and calls. He denied it first and then bluffed that it was phone sex and then said it was just one year old affair. But from what I read and pics I saw, it was a very long and deep affair and he said they broke up months ago. I dont believe any of these stories and as I dont stay with him anyway, I have no chance to spy on him remotely. Im totally shocked that he cheated on me while begging me to come back to him. While I was waiting for him to change his mind and come back to me, he was busy doing all these. I asked for a divorce but he flatly denied giving one and begged for forgiveness. But I dont know how we can try to reconcile when we both dont even live together?

Its impossible for me to leave my old parents and go and stay with him in his house with him and his mom that too after leaving his home for 7 years and after this affair.

My parents and family are very angry with the affair and wanted to disclose this to his mom but she is too old to bear this at this age.

He is not even ready to completely come clean with the affair or attend counselling. Im sure in counselling they would ask us to stay together but we cant as he cant leave is very old ailing mom alone and stay with me and I cant leave my own parents and live with him.

He still not ready to divorce me because of social reputation.

What should I do?

[MissCanuck]

Wait, what? You haven't seen your own husband for 2 years? Do you live another country now or something?

 

Add to that the fact that he has been having an affair - your marriage is already over. I would file for divorce so everyone can move on.

[shessofly]

Is he the biological father of your son?

[poojac]

Yes, I havent seen him for one year and 8 months to be exact.

I didnot let him see my son too.

Of curse he is his son but then my son was getting confused seeing a weekend dad and not a regular dad like all his friends have.

Is that wrong?

And yes though we didnot meet each other, we were messaging each other and we were in regular contact..once in a week message. No phone calls.

But we all went to a trip abroad for 10 days in 2016 for the sake of kid. But even after the trip, he didnot want to move back to my home but kept begging me to return to his.

He is an irresponsible dad so I was hoping for him to come and stay with me.

Instead, he went and had an affair. For 6 years!

And now he is not ready to divorce me saying his family reputation is important.

[Hollyj]

He is lazy, lives with mom, won't support you or his child, and was having an affair. Awful.

 

You need to divorce this loser., for you and your child to have some peace and stability.

 

Why can't he make money?

[shessofly]

“Of course” he’s his son? You keep referring to him as your son and have denied him a relationship with him. I figured he was not biologically his. Sounds like he’s not going to be the man you want him to be. What’s to save here? You don’t need his permission to divorce. You walked out 7 years ago and are shocked that he’s been seeing someone else when other than begging you to come live with his parents he has made zero effort to get you back. And you haven’t seen him in almost 2 years? This isn’t a marriage or even the making of reconciliation. Was the man like this when you married him?

 

is It your pride that keeps you hanging on?

[Hollyj]

“Of course” he’s his son? You keep referring to him as your son and have denied him a relationship with him. I figured he was not biologically his. Sounds like he’s not going to be the man you want him to be. What’s to save here? You don’t need his permission to divorce. You walked out 7 years ago and are shocked that he’s been seeing someone else when other than begging you to come live with his parents he has made zero effort to get you back. And you haven’t seen him in almost 2 years? This isn’t a marriage or even the making of reconciliation. Was the man like this when you married him?

 

is It your pride that keeps you hanging on?

 

I think it is more cultural. I am thinking that this is in S Asia.

[shessofly]

Never mind.

[shessofly]

I think it is more cultural. I am thinking that this is in S Asia.

 

Ah yes good point ...forgot about that!

[poojac]

Ah yes good point ...forgot about that!

 

Yes, its cultural too and my aged parents would be shamed before all our relatives and my husband is not willing to give a mututal consent divorce.

So I will have to file for a contested divorce which means that I need to prove his adultry in the court which will put him to shame and I dont want to do that either.

I want to know how I can control him from place, I dont want to move in with him and dont want him to live with me.

I am not sure if we reconcile now, and how to reconcile staying apart?

How can I spy on him to know if he really disconnected from her?

[poojac]

He is lazy, lives with mom, won't support you or his child, and was having an affair. Awful.

 

You need to divorce this loser., for you and your child to have some peace and stability.

 

Why can't he make money?

 

He does make money but not enough as he is lazy to work harder. He is a doctor. He lives a lavish life, buying stuff almost daily, but has not got a penny to give to his son or me so I banned him from even attempting to do that. So I pay the school fee, every damn thing. Its easier as I live with my parents. He does promise these days that he would completely change himself and make this marriage work but then after this affair came to light, Im not sure if he really could have done it.