Paying for dinner, etc.

[abitbroken]

If I were him, I would start to solve my own problem by stopping the forking over of so much money -- a picnic lunch at the riverwalk followed by a evening at a free museum, cooking in, music in the park, the local "founders day/(name of fruit area is known for)festival)", going for ice cream." And not saying he is saving money-- just going ahead and planning those dates and see how she reacts. She was likely to be receptive if she genuinely enjoys his company and if she is driving three hours, its not too much to expect that he would take care of the meal. Just spend less money. In otherwords - it makes it your problem to solve versus HER problem. And if she has a problem with it, then that's different.

 

I forget who said the babysitter is not his problem - but if she always is hiring a babysitter and he never does because he works out dates to be with his ex has his kids - that's not equitable. he is never planning a date when her ex has her kids

[katrina1980]

If I were him, I would start to solve my own problem by stopping the forking over of so much money -- a picnic lunch at the riverwalk followed by a evening at a free museum, cooking in, music in the park, the local "founders day/(name of fruit area is known for)festival)", going for ice cream." And not saying he is saving money-- just going ahead and planning those dates and see how she reacts. She was likely to be receptive if she genuinely enjoys his company and if she is driving three hours, its not too much to expect that he would take care of the meal. Just spend less money.

 

I wholeheartedly agree abit, like you said assuming she genuinely enjoys his company, and is not just in it to be treated to expensive meals, shows, and all other little perks (breakfast made for her etc.)

 

Another alternative would be, on the dates he drives to hers, plan for something inexpensive and on *those* dates, she treat "once in awhile." Unless she wants expensive, that would be her choice since she would be paying.

 

On the dates she drives to his, he pays!

 

I think that sounds like a great compromise! I can't possibly imagine why she would object to that, seems quite fair.

 

For me, if my bf drove three hours to take me out, I would offer to treat all the time! I love hanging at home though, so probably would be cooking us a nice romantic dinner.

 

In any event, I hope he updates!

[sputnik123]

Hello Mitch

 

Great to hear from you.

 

Some of the best dates are relatively cheap!

 

Very pleased to see you are out there and happy :)

 

All I can add is that whatever issues arise during a relationship, make sure you both communicate with each other.. I know it sounds obvious, but it's so important.

 

Keep well my friend.

[Jibralta]

I've been dating someone now for 4 months. We have been out to dinner, shows, movies, beach, etc in the area of 20 times and only once has my girlfriend picked up the check for dinner and paid for one movie. Now I never expect a woman to pick up the check on the first few dates. Never. It's nice that they offer, but I never accept, at first. We both make very good money, and she makes twice what I make. So I brought this up the other day and she told me if I want to court her I should pay. I said that we were in a committed relationship now and that it would be nice if she picked up a check once and a while. She got aggravated and started into everything she does for me. And I think we are very even on the things she is talking about. She has driven to my house more since my son visits his mom and grandparents a lot and her kids are always home. She started into how much gas she uses, etc. At one point in our discussion she said maybe I can't handle an independent woman. I said an independent woman is exactly what I want as they know how hard it is to pay for everything. Right? She also mentioned that she paid for everything with a previous boyfriend. Well, you know what it feels like so why do it to me? There's a lot more that was said (text), but all little stuff and too much to type.

 

So now it as though I'm cheap and communication has all but stopped over this. She is supposed to come to my house this weekend so we can talk, although she says she would rather do this via text since she gets flustered easily in person. This really is the first adversity since we started dating.

 

I feel stupid typing this here since I know what I'm going to get, but...

 

I do like her and we do get along very well. We have a lot in common and things have been good. So why am I bringing this up, right? I guess because it's the one area that doesn't feel right.

 

I just want some real advice. It's been only 4 months, is this a deal breaker?

 

Mitch

 

It sounds like the two of you need to start keeping score in a more efficient way. You are both obviously doing it, so why not get honest and create a spreadsheet or something? I am not kidding.

[Annia]

At 4 months of dating the paying should be more balance and proportional. I'm not talking about keeping a score or absolutely 50/50 but it makes no sense that you pay so much more than her or that she gets upset or feeds the wine and dine bs at this point. And the discussion should be had in person.

 

If you both can't afford restaurants and movie dates all the time just have cheaper dates, dinner home and stuff like that. And if she has the idea for an expensive date she either should pay or pay at least part of it.

 

If her stance remains the same after you two discussing it (in a mature way), then it means you two are not compatible and you know what to do.

[Annia]

I don't disagree with you abit, valid points for sure, BUT there is a way to communicate her concerns like a mature 45 year old adult women without resorting to "If you want to court me, you should pay." Like, say what?

 

That isn't her being concerned she does most of the driving, she tossed that in later as a t*t for tat, after she had *already* made it clear to him that IF he wants to "court" her, he should pay.

 

And then to stop communicating with him (like a spoiled child) when he made *his* points as to why he'd like her to chip in once in awhile?

 

That is where the self-entitlement comes into play, that's the red flag. IMO.

 

Yes! If her point was "I drive to you most times so I thought it'd be ok if you treated me with the dinner" would be reasonable... but phrasing it the way she did and especially 4 months into the relationship and acting like a child? Hell to the no. Red flag here.

[mandeelove]

My stance is old fashioned so you might not like what I say lol. But if a couple is exclusive I think a woman should pay on birthdays, holidays , and congratulatory things like if you got a promotion etc. Also if she really loves you, throw in a food expense or buy u a sweet gift from time to time. Shows she cares. But I dont think it should be expected . Or counted. Or complained about. I feel its the mans job to provide unless she insists and wants to treat u. I dont think its required that a girl pays just to make it equal.

 

I also think that if she drives to you always that saves u time, gas, mileage on your car. So thats pretty nice if she drives. You pay for things . All evens out. And if she cooks, cleans, is good to you, supportive, this is all ways women show love. (Not involving money) It shouldnt be dollars or cents.

 

Now on your end, you dont have to buy expensive things or make these dinners so big. If she demands big nights then Id say shes materilistic. Doesnt sound that way. Sounds like shes old fashioned on gender roles which is fine to me since I am too.

 

Good luck

[Honeycomb8]

Why is it a man's job to provide? This is the 21st century; both should contribute.

 

Petrol isn't that much. Not like she's driving 4 hours, it's barely more than a really cheap meal.

 

Both my parents used to be engineers, and it must have been my upbringing because I can't imagine ever wanting to solely rely on a guy.

I was taught independence and being capable of being self sufficient. How is a guy meant to respect you if you depend on them financially?

[Batya33]

My stance is old fashioned so you might not like what I say lol. But if a couple is exclusive I think a woman should pay on birthdays, holidays , and congratulatory things like if you got a promotion etc. Also if she really loves you, throw in a food expense or buy u a sweet gift from time to time. Shows she cares. But I dont think it should be expected . Or counted. Or complained about. I feel its the mans job to provide unless she insists and wants to treat u. I dont think its required that a girl pays just to make it equal.

 

I also think that if she drives to you always that saves u time, gas, mileage on your car. So thats pretty nice if she drives. You pay for things . All evens out. And if she cooks, cleans, is good to you, supportive, this is all ways women show love. (Not involving money) It shouldnt be dollars or cents.

 

Now on your end, you dont have to buy expensive things or make these dinners so big. If she demands big nights then Id say shes materilistic. Doesnt sound that way. Sounds like shes old fashioned on gender roles which is fine to me since I am too.

 

Good luck

 

So then how does that work if the couple marries? Does the man continue to pay for everything even if the woman has assets/and/or a salary? If they have a child does he have to pay for child care? Or does he get to dictate how the money will be spent or whether his wife will work since he is the one making the money? Why is it a boyfriend's job to "provide" especially if they don't have a child together where the mom stays home full time (which saves on the child care expense).

 

My husband paid for more than half when we were dating. He insisted. Period. But - I didn't expect it and I made sure to take turns as often as possible, I paid for my own plane tickets (we were long distance for a long time so we each paid our own way to travel to the other although sometimes we met while on our respective business trips). And what do you mean how a woman "shows love" -a woman is not capable of showing love by caring about the fact that her boyfriend is using his hard earned money to treat for everything (and I mean past the beginning stages of dating -I get that in those stages it's more understandable, it's a short stage, there can be an old fashioned sense then).

 

How is it not materialistic to expect a man to pay for everything when you're in an established relationship and there are no kids to take care of full time? (And yes I was home full time for 7 years and yes I came to the marriage with my own financial assets and yes I contributed a monthly amount to cover a bit less than half of the expenses and I was also there during non-school hours and when my husband traveled on weekends/during the week which saved on child care and yes my husband told me not to contribute anything but I didn't listen to that -I wanted to cover what I could so that I felt like I was contributing my work in the home plus $$).

 

I've written a lot here about how a man should offer to treat in the beginning and/or that it's fine for a woman to accept that in the beginning and I think after the beginning she should offer to treat/take turns/split when it comes to $$. If he insists and she's ok with that, ok, that's their business. But not as an entitlement or some silly notion about how women show love.

[figureitout23]

Why is it a man's job to provide? This is the 21st century; both should contribute.

 

Petrol isn't that much. Not like she's driving 4 hours, it's barely more than a really cheap meal.

 

Both my parents used to be engineers, and it must have been my upbringing because I can't imagine ever wanting to solely rely on a guy.

I was taught independence and being capable of being self sufficient. How is a guy meant to respect you if you depend on them financially?

 

First, I think he’s in America and gas is far from the cost of a cheap mean now a days.

 

Second, while I agree with you, I really feel people are projecting their feelings on this, which often happens with this subject. I’m guilty of it myself.

 

But I can’t help but fully believe the fact that the OPer hasn’t come back is because he was frustrated the way the convo went with his girlfriend and was venting and the situation probably wasn’t as black and white as he was claiming..

[katrina1980]

 

But I can’t help but fully believe the fact that the OPer hasn’t come back is because he was frustrated the way the convo went with his girlfriend and was venting and the situation probably wasn’t as black and white as he was claiming..

 

I can't say I fully believe it, but yeah it is a possibility fio.

 

These "who pays" threads always generate a lot of emotion and controversy on both sides; on another forum, there is one such thread and last I checked (haven't been back there in ages) it was like 50 pages (maybe longer) and counting!

 

Yeah, it would be nice if OP returned to update, many of us have invested a lot in this discussion so it would be interesting to learn how it all turned out!!

[Pleasedonot5]

I think you're in the right, to be honest. Keep being a gentleman here and there in the things you do and for what you pay, but don't be just a credit card. She sounds a bit stubborn, but maybe she'll think about what you said and come back with some better contribution.

 

Again, your feelings are valid, and if you said it the way you've said it here, I think that you've stood up for yourself and that you should be proud of it.