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Ha! An hour and a half give or take depending on traffic.

 

Wow...OK well that's not minor, so yeah, the least you can do is pick up dinner. Whether you cook or take her out.

 

That said, you shouldn't be having $300 dates per night. That one is actually on you in that you failed to set boundaries and expectations. If she wanted to go to the concert, you should have told her to get tickets or pick up the check for dinner and discussed splitting costs ahead of time instead of resenting it later. It doesn't have to be contentious either. Can be as simple as "Sure great idea babe, if you get the tickets, I'll book dinner reservations at x place." This way you are communicating to her to contribute without making it adversarial.

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That seems like a long distance. You probably wrote above why she does most of the driving.

 

Yes, we have not met each other's kids yet and her kids are usually home on weekends. I have only been to her house 3 times and only stayed over once.

 

We have had 3 movie dates and we picked a theater that was 10 minutes from her house. Our first dates were in between each other.

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Ooooh, driving an hour and a half for four months has got to take a toll. Is that round trip? She might be resenting this situation.

 

No that's one way. Yeah, she's been to my house 5 times. She had vacation and I did as well. Kids to deal with so we haven't seen each other that much or we meet at restaurants, movies, etc.

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You should have the conversation in person, not over texting. You can't have a serious relationship and have these kinds of discussions over text. it's not ok.

 

Second, I think she needs to get over the courting thing a bit. This isn't a Jane Austen book, you guys are already sleeping together, and you're not asking her father for permission to take her on a stroll by the lake. Granted, she is driving a ways to you and that takes a lot of gas and time. But she could also spring for something (like you buy dinner, she gets dessert)?

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My ex used to make what I would assume would be double what I make (I make 70k), and we used to go maybe 25/75. However, I don't mind paying half and have paid for almost everything in a couple past relationships.

 

Her baggage is obv making her extra reluctant to be taken advantage of again but she should def be paying at least once every third dinner, esp if she makes double what u make. Right now the dynamic is really unbalanced.

 

Her inability to communicate in a productive and healthy way and demanding nature is a red flag. At 4 months I would find these issues something that is a hint of what's to come. I would probably break up with her, but that's just me.

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Hopefully this is something you guys work through quickly—and in person—and look back on and kind of laugh at as your first little moment of friction.

 

That said, there's a lot going on here—partly a difference in values, partly some baggage from her last relationship.

 

As a man, whether I'm in the courting phase or not, I enjoy doing things like picking up the tab, probably a bit more than I like being taken out. That said, there's the reality of money being finite, and if I'm dating someone who makes the same money I do I kind of expect things to even out and/or for there to be an awareness that if, say, $300 dinners are going to be a regular thing it can't be something I'm picking up for purely practical reasons.

 

For contrast, I'm two months into a new thing, and I think it was our 4th meal together where she offered to pay because "you've been getting everything." I thanked her, said something cute like "I'm gonna pick up a few more while we're still courting" but right then I was excited to know we had similar values on that front.

 

Yes, she's putting in a lot of effort with the driving, so be aware of that when talking. But her quick turn to defensiveness suggests that this is more of an emotional sore spot than a logistical one. She clearly has some thorns from the last go round—don't we all?—and wants to make sure she isn't going to get back into the same situation. Still, you're a person, not a salve to her past, and this score keeping stuff needs to end.

 

Best of luck!

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I don't think he has to date a "giver" just a person with basic common sense and compassion. Is a person a "giver" because she/he pays her own way or takes turns treating with platonic friends, for example?

 

I completely disagree. You are in a relationship to GIVE ;)

 

It's not about what you get. Some people just take and take and take...

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I completely disagree. You are in a relationship to GIVE ;)

 

It's not about what you get. Some people just take and take and take...

 

Doesn't that mean it goes BOTH ways? BOTH partners should "give"? Seems in the OP's case he's doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Hardly fair.

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Doesn't that mean it goes BOTH ways? BOTH partners should "give"? Seems in the OP's case he's doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Hardly fair.

 

How is she doing all the taking? Three hours driving isn't exactly a small thing. Also, the OP mentions in later posts that she has paid for some dates when he came to her and she has also cooked for him. This really doesn't strike me as a situation where she gives nothing.

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I live about the same distance from my boyfriend and I usually am the one making the drive (I have roommates he lives alone) I prefer to go to his place but he offers to come out to mine and does atleast once a month. Even though I drive to him I don’t expect him to pay for everything. If I never offered or tried he would probably take all the bills and never say a thing but I make it a point to offer or just imitate paying every once in a while. He makes significantly more than me but I still don’t think that means he should cover all of our expenses. I’d say he probably covers 70 and I do 30. I think that’s it’s unreasonable that you should be picking up all the bills especially after seeing one another for this long- I think you are way past the stage of “courting”.

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Doesn't that mean it goes BOTH ways? BOTH partners should "give"? Seems in the OP's case he's doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking. Hardly fair.

 

Exactly :) If she was unemployed and had no money it's a different story....but in this cause I don't think it is fair. So it's not the end of the world, he will just need to tell her to put in some effort and contribute towards the relationship. She will most likely listen and it will all work out in the end...

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I read a post from a man (on this forum but it may have been another one) who said when he first begins dating a woman, he will pay for the first few dates and then on the 4th or 5th, he will sort of wink and say “I’ll let you get the next one” in a cute and teasing way of course, and gauge her response.

 

If she cops an attitude, that reflected self-entitlement (and most likely a bunch of other issues – nothing positive) and he wants no part of that so would typically stop dating her (or continue dating her but keep her as an “option” and the dates cheap).

 

However, that approach generally worked very well for him; there were only a couple of women who had attitude about it, but generally women responded well and even paid for the entire next date with no attitude!

 

I admit I like that approach too, it reflects self-confidence and a no-nonsense, no BS attitude which I personally love in a man! :D

 

Edit: @Mitch, the glaring red flag that I see (over and above any baggage she may be carrying from her last RL) is her demanding attitude "If you want to court me, you should pay."

 

It's one thing that she prefers a man to pay (balancing out the fact she does most of the driving, cooks dinner, etc.), but the way she phrased that reflects an overall piss poor, self-entitled attitude imo and the fact you are now not communicating because of it?

 

All I can say is if you choose to go forward dating her, I wish you the best!

Edited by katrina1980
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You clearly haven't read his post ......... just sayin'

 

Sure I did ;) She seems to be upset. But he will still need to repeat this over again and stick to it.

 

People will say and do things to you what you allow....He needs to stand his ground and stick with it.....It probably will only take an hour or so and then will work out....Not the end of the world ;)

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oh dear. It seems you are very very young and not very experienced when it comes to relationships.

 

Actually I am very experienced ;) Maybe more so than you but that is ok...I am not here to judge...Just saying that OP is correct in stating what he wants and it should eventually work out...

 

I actually have EXPERIENCE in this exact situation several times....I just mentioned it was not fair for me to pay for everything and from now on we both need to equally contribute since we both work and are not unemployed.....

 

You can try and argue with me all day ....but Im just here to help the OP as I have encountered this many times and it all worked out ;)

 

After about 20 minutes of discussing, the person I was dating was like - "You know...you are right. I'm sorry hun. I will try and invite you out more for dinner."

 

Just because someone gets dramatic, doesn't mean you have to compromise on what you believe is fair ;) Everything is able to worked out via communicating like adults and I really think that this situation could be fixed....

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OP, if I were you I wouldn't be tolerating that attitude AT ALL.

 

She's a grown ass adult that makes more than you. She can pitch in.

 

ANY woman in my opinion in 2018 that still feels "the man" should pay needs to wake up and join the 21st century. It's frankly an insult to all that women have fought for. She's capable of paying. You have "treated" her enough.

 

Talk to her, IN PERSON, and tell her that from now on you would like to either split the bill or take turns paying. If she doesn't agree, I would hit the road.

 

I have NEVER let a man pay for a date with me. Not on the first date...never. Once my husband and I were "together" I allowed him to pay, but only if we took turns.

 

Ugh, women like that make me furious.

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I haven’t read all of the posts on here, so apologies if I’ve missed anything. But, holy cow! I can’t imagine dating a guy and expecting him to pay for EVERY meal. And, the cake topper, she expects you to because you’re courting her? Wha??? My mind is blown.

 

I can’t imagine having expectations like this, and further to that, telling the guy it’s practically expected because “you’re courting me”. Is this for real? I just can’t imagine a guy accepting this as a reason to continue paying for both parties.

 

I find that, for me, when dating, most men offer to pay (and are adamant) about picking up the bill initially. I always offer to cover my half when I first meet someone, however once I’m seeing someone exclusively I offer to take turns paying the bills when we go out. I would never tell a guy that he’s expected to cover all of the costs for our outings, nor would I tell him that it’s expected because he’s courting me. What the? I can’t see any guy tolerating this, really.

 

I do remember meeting a guy online who was fresh out of a relationship. He told me about how he was dating someone for about 8 months, and it turned out that their relationship ended because she cheated on him. Apparently when they were together, he eventually started asking her to help with covering their dinner expenses, etc. because he was paying for everything. She refused and expected him to cover everything and buy her gifts. As soon as he began pushing back and asking her to contribute financially, she found someone else (someone who would pay for everything) and she left him.

 

I just can’t comprehend this, mainly because the thought of expecting my partner to pay for me each and every time would make me feel horrible and guilty, and to be honest, a gold digger. Ugh.

Edited by milly007
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Honestly, if she is driving an hour and a half every time she sees you, she deserves not only for you to arrange dinner, but the driveway cleaned off, too (leaves, snow. etc). Sorry, she is carrying more than equal weight by driving 3 hours every single weekend. That is a lot of gas!! I assume she is driving and then spending the night and going home.

 

To boot, her kids are home on the weekends and she has given up spending time with them for you. I think you need to get off you lazy rear end and meet her halfway for dinner on occasion during the week or drive to HER to meet her for dinner once in awhile (you don't have to meet the kids - like i say - meet her somewhere) and on some weeks, let her spend time with her kids and suggest that you do your date on another day so she can do so.

 

If she was driving 10 minutes, i would say its time for her to start paying sometimes, but being as it is --- go on cheaper dates. Don't go to the symphony unless you have a cheap Groupon ticket and do things that are cheap.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Knowing that she drives an hour and a half - i DO NOT BLAME HER FOR HE REAÇTION

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SMH... After 4 months of dating, practicality has to kick in. It has nothing to do with traditions, generational aspect or baggage, more like entitlement issues.

 

If she does meet you halfway, I have a feeling as a 45 yr old woman, she may in the future show you regular glimpses of her self-entitlement which is only detrimental in building an equal and loving relationship.

 

My advice is listen to her and later seriously consider if this woman is who you want to be with.

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Honestly, if she is driving an hour and a half every time she sees you, she deserves not only for you to arrange dinner, but the driveway cleaned off, too (leaves, snow. etc). Sorry, she is carrying more than equal weight by driving 3 hours every single weekend. That is a lot of gas!! I assume she is driving and then spending the night and going home.

 

To boot, her kids are home on the weekends and she has given up spending time with them for you. I think you need to get off you lazy rear end and meet her halfway for dinner on occasion during the week or drive to HER to meet her for dinner once in awhile (you don't have to meet the kids - like i say - meet her somewhere) and on some weeks, let her spend time with her kids and suggest that you do your date on another day so she can do so.

 

If she was driving 10 minutes, i would say its time for her to start paying sometimes, but being as it is --- go on cheaper dates. Don't go to the symphony unless you have a cheap Groupon ticket and do things that are cheap.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Knowing that she drives an hour and a half - i DO NOT BLAME HER FOR HE REAÇTION

 

I totally agree. You could also cook her dinner... or even better cook dinner together, especially if she’s driving to you, there’s other ways to not spend so much money. You don’t have to go out every time. That’s a lot of driving to see you to be complaining about the dinner check. Just my opinion

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This woman has a three-hour drive, round trip, and I think the OP can fork over some buckage for a meal and drinks. I think spending $300 every single time is too much. She can certainly contribute here and there, but she's the one doing a major amount of work in time and effort and the cost of gas and maintenance on the car and the amount of time involved in this type of travel, preparing, packing...I think the OP can provide some food and entertainment. It doesn't have to be pricey...meals at home, bowling, picnic, Native, Applebys, Olive Garden, Nacho Fries. If this GF expects anything that costs $100 or more a head for tickets or entrance to entertainment, plus the cost of a meal that runs another $100 or more a head, every weekend, she's being completely unrealistic and rather gold-diggy. Maybe she has baggage, but if that baggage is weighing down your relationship and emptying your bank account with unreasonable demands and expectations, it's time to cut the cord.

 

She has a three-hour round-trip drive. OP, you do it every weekend and return and report how awesome that is...I can assure you, it's not. You can buy freaking dinner...you don't have to be extravagant...if she bails over it, bullet dodged.

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