Jump to content

How do you know if you miss them?


Tuna010
 Share

Recommended Posts

I think it's a false dichotomy to begin with. After being in a relationship with someone for a long time, you both learn to deeply appreciate the company of the very particular person (you "miss them"), and you become used to not being single and/or having a partner fill certain parts of your life (you're "lonely"). People will feel both after a breakup (to varying extents) and so it really depends on what exact thing is being missed and why/when.

 

To share my own experience with that thought...It's been about 10 months since my breakup of an 8-year relationship, and I still sometimes both miss my ex because I deeply appreciated her as a person and feel lonely because I still don't feel fully accustomed to being single.

 

For loneliness, earlier tonight, I was out in my backyard when it was cold outside, looking up at the stars. I reminisced on the times when I would do that with my ex and embrace her. That is an example of me being lonely; I could embrace almost any girl when looking at the stars and my ex just happened to be that girl for so long.

 

For missing my ex, the other day, I was missing a few of her idiosyncrasies that had to do with how playful she could be. Being playful to the extent she was, and the actions she had which showed it, are characteristic of her and missing something I missed about her specifically.

 

For missing my ex as well, I think when I would look at or interact with other girls and see her or traits of her, that had to do with missing her specifically -- I was looking for things that reminded me of her in other people.

 

Over time, I have found that I've been recovering from both, but loneliness has been a longer process than simply mourning the loss of her / our relationship. It took me a while to think of a very recent example of missing her specifically as a person, but took little effort to think of an example of loneliness. I no longer see her as much in other people as I used to. This, however, may be partially phasic for me, as I have stopped finding most of my ex's character traits attractive and even find many of them to be quite negative. I think the most important lesson of all is to understand the nebulous nature of breakup feelings while recovering and to remain accepting of yourself and patient. The haze lifts over time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Imagine you met someone whom you connected with really well and found attractive. They wanted to spend time with you.

Would you be happy about that and forget about the person you're missing or not?

 

The answer to that will tell you if it's them you're missing or if you're just lonely.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Imagine you met someone whom you connected with really well and found attractive. They wanted to spend time with you.

Would you be happy about that and forget about the person you're missing or not?

 

The answer to that will tell you if it's them you're missing or if you're just lonely.

 

Yes I think I would forget about the person if I met someone awesome, but I haven't. I think I am just lonely then :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a false dichotomy to begin with. After being in a relationship with someone for a long time, you both learn to deeply appreciate the company of the very particular person (you "miss them"), and you become used to not being single and/or having a partner fill certain parts of your life (you're "lonely"). People will feel both after a breakup (to varying extents) and so it really depends on what exact thing is being missed and why/when.

 

To share my own experience with that thought...It's been about 10 months since my breakup of an 8-year relationship, and I still sometimes both miss my ex because I deeply appreciated her as a person and feel lonely because I still don't feel fully accustomed to being single.

 

For loneliness, earlier tonight, I was out in my backyard when it was cold outside, looking up at the stars. I reminisced on the times when I would do that with my ex and embrace her. That is an example of me being lonely; I could embrace almost any girl when looking at the stars and my ex just happened to be that girl for so long.

 

For missing my ex, the other day, I was missing a few of her idiosyncrasies that had to do with how playful she could be. Being playful to the extent she was, and the actions she had which showed it, are characteristic of her and missing something I missed about her specifically.

 

For missing my ex as well, I think when I would look at or interact with other girls and see her or traits of her, that had to do with missing her specifically -- I was looking for things that reminded me of her in other people.

 

Over time, I have found that I've been recovering from both, but loneliness has been a longer process than simply mourning the loss of her / our relationship. It took me a while to think of a very recent example of missing her specifically as a person, but took little effort to think of an example of loneliness. I no longer see her as much in other people as I used to. This, however, may be partially phasic for me, as I have stopped finding most of my ex's character traits attractive and even find many of them to be quite negative. I think the most important lesson of all is to understand the nebulous nature of breakup feelings while recovering and to remain accepting of yourself and patient. The haze lifts over time.

 

Thanks for your lengthy response. What your saying makes sense, I guess if I stopped being friends with my best friend I'd miss her also. I guess also in a way asking this question kind of shows that I don't miss them specifically if I have to even ask if it's them I miss. I'm just lonely and look at my empty phone and it makes me sad. It's good to know the things you liked you now don't like I think that would make it a lot easier to stop missing them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How come you don't try dating again?

 

I have an online account I use on and off but most the people that message me are without sounding rude "desperate" and send out mass generic emails and sometime I reply because I don't want to be rude when it seems like it's not a generic email then get stuck talking to them for ages when I'm not even remotely interested in them, I would love to meet someone who makes me excited and for them to feel the same way!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you know if you miss someone because you are lonely or because you genuinely miss the person?

 

If you had the 'right' answer to this question, what kind of changes would you make?

 

Why not just make those changes anyway, and then you'll discover how to 'behave your way' into the answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m right there with you OP! It’s been 3 years since I got out of a 10 year relationship. I still haven’t met anyone remotely near or even close to amazing!

 

Maybe you just need too take a little bit of a break and don’t settle for right now.

 

You’ll know when you do find that special person because your ex won’t even compare.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m right there with you OP! It’s been 3 years since I got out of a 10 year relationship. I still haven’t met anyone remotely near or even close to amazing!

 

Maybe you just need too take a little bit of a break and don’t settle for right now.

 

You’ll know when you do find that special person because your ex won’t even compare.

 

It's good to hear someone else feels the same, so many people move on so quickly I wish I could find someone that easily. I have taken breaks but I'm not getting any younger so don't want to keep putting it off too much more. Hopefully I do find that someone!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you had the 'right' answer to this question, what kind of changes would you make?

 

Why not just make those changes anyway, and then you'll discover how to 'behave your way' into the answer.

 

I'm not sure I'm following, what Changes should I make?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure I'm following, what Changes should I make?

 

Consider your question, why the answer matters to you, and what you would DO with that information.

 

How do you know if you miss someone because you are lonely or because you genuinely miss the person?

 

What difference does the answer make? How would you operate differently if the answer was either thing?

 

If you miss someone because you are lonely, what should you do to resolve loneliness? If you miss an actual person, wouldn't the same behaviors to counter loneliness still apply to resolving that?

 

Unless an answer will serve you in some way to make changes in your behavior that will make things better, then how valuable is the question? Why not just skip straight to making changes in your focus and goals to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to create a good future for yourself?

 

Head high.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...