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Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?


jeremiahsain

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I kinda really wanna delete her immediately rather than when I get the blazer. I had my best day until the evening when she got online, and now I'm having a tough couple of hours purely because of that, it's so stupid. I almost wish I'd just ignored the blazer and just deleted her.

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I kinda really wanna delete her immediately rather than when I get the blazer. I had my best day until the evening when she got online, and now I'm having a tough couple of hours purely because of that, it's so stupid. I almost wish I'd just ignored the blazer and just deleted her.

 

And that's why not only deleting but blocking is smart.

 

You're actually a textbook example of a person whose relationship ended when they didn't want it to. They usually insist blocking is "harsh", "unnecessary" and "immature". But secretly they're thinking "If I block her, I would never know if she messaged me asking to get back together. I want to be able to get that message if she sends it". And subconsciously you'll be waiting for that message. You'll be checking your email, messenger, WhatsApp, texts, etc. for that message to come through. And as long as you're doing that you're not moving forward.

 

I mean, it's only been a few hours and you're already back down in the dumps again after swearing you were just fine earlier today.

 

Anyway, of course it's your life and your choice. But I see a lot of afternoons like today if you refuse to block her.

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And that's why not only deleting but blocking is smart.

 

You're actually a textbook example of a person whose relationship ended when they didn't want it to. They usually insist blocking is "harsh", "unnecessary" and "immature". But secretly they're thinking "If I block her, I would never know if she messaged me asking to get back together. I want to be able to get that message if she sends it". And subconsciously you'll be waiting for that message. You'll be checking your email, messenger, WhatsApp, texts, etc. for that message to come through. And as long as you're doing that you're not moving forward.

 

I mean, it's only been a few hours and you're already back down in the dumps again after swearing you were just fine earlier today.

 

Anyway, of course it's your life and your choice. But I see a lot of afternoons like today if you refuse to block her.

 

 

Yeah you're probably right. I feel like I was having the best day so far, until I see her online! And in fairness if I deleted her that wouldn't happen, but yeah for some reason I do feel blocking is harsh, purely because we ended on civil terms. It feels kinda childish to block her after that? I unfollowed her on insta etc (she's still following me) but I dunno, blocking just feels like something you do when you outright dislike a person.

 

I guess it's a good idea though, that way I wouldn't see anything of hers or be waiting for the message at all.

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Also I guess I have to admit I did still cling on to some hope .. mainly because we nearly split up before (like 6 months ago?). We didn't exactly break up, but she wanted 'time' to think about things, and about 4 days in to that she messaged me saying she missed me, I went to see her and she was crying, apologising etc .. so I guess that was playing on my mind. I guess the fact she also still wanted to be friends on facebook made me think that maybe she also held out a little bit of hope.

 

I know really that the situation is different now though, she didn't ask for 'time' but ended it, she's properly gone home, told her friends etc .. I know that. I guess I'll delete/block her when the blazer arrives, though I wish I could do it earlier.

 

In the meantime I think I'll make an effort to stay off social media, particularly in the evenings when she's most active.

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I deleted her.

 

I guess I should have waited till the blazer arrives, but tbh I just wanted her to stop popping up online etc. I guess if she still wants to send it she can text etc.

 

Not sure how I feel. Kind of sick tbh? Like I've made the final move that kills things off. Feels weird.

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It's ok each step toward healing feels a little "icky". Very normal. Exactly she can still send texts re the blazer, but you don't have to have the breakup in your face every day.

I deleted her.I guess I should have waited till the blazer arrives, but tbh I just wanted her to stop popping up online etc. I guess if she still wants to send it she can text etc..
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It's ok each step toward healing feels a little "icky". Very normal. Exactly she can still send texts re the blazer, but you don't have to have the breakup in your face every day.

 

 

Yeah, if she texts me asking why I deleted her I'll tell her that I feel it will help me move on, but otherwise I feel like she'll get the reasoning. Everything that needs to be said has been said, and emotions were always too strong for me to ever become just her friend, or wanna see when she gets a new boyfriend etc. Would always have been painful seeing that stuff.

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Yeah, if she texts me asking why I deleted her I'll tell her that I feel it will help me move on, but otherwise I feel like she'll get the reasoning. Everything that needs to be said has been said, and emotions were always too strong for me to ever become just her friend, or wanna see when she gets a new boyfriend etc. Would always have been painful seeing that stuff.

 

Just say that for now its for your healing and that you hope once some time passes you can be friends

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Yeah, if she texts me asking why I deleted her I'll tell her that I feel it will help me move on, but otherwise I feel like she'll get the reasoning. Everything that needs to be said has been said, and emotions were always too strong for me to ever become just her friend, or wanna see when she gets a new boyfriend etc. Would always have been painful seeing that stuff.

 

So you aren't going to block her?

 

Are you hoping she texts you? I guess I don't see the logic of deleting her off messenger but not blocking her number.

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So you aren't going to block her?

 

Are you hoping she texts you? I guess I don't see the logic of deleting her off messenger but not blocking her number.

 

I just wanted her off my feed tbh, now that's done I'm cool for at least a week. Deleting her was less about cutting off any possible contact, and more about moving on by removing her popping up online, seeing her statuses etc. It's helped, I'm not sitting up at night like a loser seeing when she was last active.

 

She still needs to tell me when she sends the blazer, so I'm not going to block all communication, but when that is all sorted I likely will. Though I don't really feel much need to block all communication purely because she really hasn't tried to contact me, and I don't think she will. As long as I'm not seeing her come up anywhere I won't be tempted to message her, and that's where the real risk lies.

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Just say that for now its for your healing and that you hope once some time passes you can be friends

 

 

Honestly I doubt she'll bring it up, she hasn't so far and I imagine she's noticed, I'm guessing she knows why. I doubt she is really too bothered, she made no attempt to reach out after the breakup etc.

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How did you "see" those photos?

 

You gotta stop being your own worst enemy, man. Insisting you don't "need" to block her, looking at photos...those are the things that will keep you feeling exactly as you do now. You don't want to feel this way for weeks and weeks, do you?

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How did you "see" those photos?

 

You gotta stop being your own worst enemy, man. Insisting you don't "need" to block her, looking at photos...those are the things that will keep you feeling exactly as you do now. You don't want to feel this way for weeks and weeks, do you?

 

They're physical photos, I was going through some of my draws etc and she'd left some behind. Ended up throwing them out.

 

I haven't seen anything on social media or searched her up since I deleted her. I can't block until she gets back to me about the blazer because I need to keep a line of communication open, but if she doesn't do so within a week I'm going to assume that because I deleted her she won't send it. In which case I'll just block and move on.

 

Honestly, not having her blocked hasn't been an issue. I know exactly what feeling I'll get if I search her up etc so I genuinely haven't done it. It's more that I'm alone in the house at the moment so have had too much time to think about her, and because she stayed here twice for a long time, everything is reminding me of her. I wanted to play a game earlier and then remembered I played it with her once, honestly it's pathetic.

 

It has gotten better though, it's just annoying that something like this seems to set me right back. I also really wanna start working out (which I stopped doing while with her) but I really can't until I have my appetite back.

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They're physical photos, I was going through some of my draws etc and she'd left some behind. Ended up throwing them out.

 

I haven't seen anything on social media or searched her up since I deleted her. I can't block until she gets back to me about the blazer because I need to keep a line of communication open, but if she doesn't do so within a week I'm going to assume that because I deleted her she won't send it. In which case I'll just block and move on.

 

Honestly, not having her blocked hasn't been an issue. I know exactly what feeling I'll get if I search her up etc so I genuinely haven't done it. It's more that I'm alone in the house at the moment so have had too much time to think about her, and because she stayed here twice for a long time, everything is reminding me of her. I wanted to play a game earlier and then remembered I played it with her once, honestly it's pathetic.

 

It has gotten better though, it's just annoying that something like this seems to set me right back. I also really wanna start working out (which I stopped doing while with her) but I really can't until I have my appetite back.

 

Is this the normal type of person you attract and do you put her happiness before yours? Google codependency... you can't fix her or help that only she can.

 

Any early deaths or abandonment issues? What I'm getting at is just do you. Worry about why you stayed in that relationship. Grow, get better for the next relationship. It's not going to get better unless she addresses her problems too. Others have given you great advice as well.

 

Get back to you were or better before you met her and put yourself first. Even when you're in a relationship. Read on attraction and why you always need to have purpose, even in a relationship.

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Is this the normal type of person you attract and do you put her happiness before yours? Google codependency... you can't fix her or help that only she can.

 

Any early deaths or abandonment issues? What I'm getting at is just do you. Worry about why you stayed in that relationship. Grow, get better for the next relationship. It's not going to get better unless she addresses her problems too. Others have given you great advice as well.

 

Get back to you were or better before you met her and put yourself first. Even when you're in a relationship. Read on attraction and why you always need to have purpose, even in a relationship.

 

 

Yeah I've looked in to co-dependency and I honestly think that's the kind of relationship we were in. I was definitely putting a lot of her needs before mine and not focusing on myself throughout the relationship .. I based my happiness on seeing her, on being around her etc, rather than focusing on my own future. My own family were really worried and are actually relieved the relationship was over because they noticed this. I don't think it was something I 'searched' for, simply gradually it unravelled that way and since I had fallen in love with her I ended up just looking after her a lot of the time.

 

I think I stayed because I was scared of being alone/had grown so used to life with her. At certain points I really wasn't happy but whenever we got close to being finished I panicked, I know logically things ending was a good thing but emotionally I'm still all over the place. Before I met her I think is a mixed bag, I was quite lonely but certainly focused on aspects of self-improvement more, and hung out with friends a lot more. I think I was definitely happier and more carefree, but I don't know how to get back to that? I don't know how to go back to life before her because my brain is so used to being dependent on her company, it's like a drug.

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Yeah I've looked in to co-dependency and I honestly think that's the kind of relationship we were in. I was definitely putting a lot of her needs before mine and not focusing on myself throughout the relationship .. I based my happiness on seeing her, on being around her etc, rather than focusing on my own future. My own family were really worried and are actually relieved the relationship was over because they noticed this. I don't think it was something I 'searched' for, simply gradually it unravelled that way and since I had fallen in love with her I ended up just looking after her a lot of the time.

 

I think I stayed because I was scared of being alone/had grown so used to life with her. At certain points I really wasn't happy but whenever we got close to being finished I panicked, I know logically things ending was a good thing but emotionally I'm still all over the place. Before I met her I think is a mixed bag, I was quite lonely but certainly focused on aspects of self-improvement more, and hung out with friends a lot more. I think I was definitely happier and more carefree, but I don't know how to get back to that? I don't know how to go back to life before her because my brain is so used to being dependent on her company, it's like a drug.

 

The root of codependency is fear of abandonment, and lack of awareness of "self". Figure out what/how/when that developed. For me it was as simple as my grandfather dying when I was 4. Growing up my parents were hard on me. I got straight A's and was great at sports. I was never told great job. It was always you can do this better... It worsened my self-worth and caused the codependency to worsen a bit. You HAVE to address it or you will attract that same type of person.

 

You describe exactly what I've been going through. I did the same exact thing, and stayed in the same relationship over and over again for the better part of 20 years. When your parents and friends can read you and tell you that you aren't happy... that's a red flag you're in the wrong relationship. Those people love you in a non-romantic way. When important people are noticing you're not happy... you've got to look at it.

 

 

I would go to therapy and start trying to address your issues. You're broken. Broken people attract other broken people and have broken relationships. There is no set way to get back on your own two feet, other than go NC and work on yourself. It takes time, but I think you have some work to do on yourself. I would start there. Make a list of all of the things wrong with the girls you dated, and then think about what you consider the perfect girl and relationship.

 

 

Base your happiness on what makes you happy and that is not another person. Happiness comes from within. Get there, and then you'll attract a good healthy relationship and person. I don't think you were happy even when you were around her. It's very hard for codependent people to let-go because the root of it is that pain. You care so much you don't want her to feel it either. I understand it, but you've got to tough through it and get to the root of that now if you want better relationships moving forward. Better to do it now, and find a healthy relationship.

 

 

Keep your head up, you've got this.

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The root of codependency is fear of abandonment, and lack of awareness of "self". Figure out what/how/when that developed. For me it was as simple as my grandfather dying when I was 4. Growing up my parents were hard on me. I got straight A's and was great at sports. I was never told great job. It was always you can do this better... It worsened my self-worth and caused the codependency to worsen a bit. You HAVE to address it or you will attract that same type of person.

 

You describe exactly what I've been going through. I did the same exact thing, and stayed in the same relationship over and over again for the better part of 20 years. When your parents and friends can read you and tell you that you aren't happy... that's a red flag you're in the wrong relationship. Those people love you in a non-romantic way. When important people are noticing you're not happy... you've got to look at it.

 

 

I would go to therapy and start trying to address your issues. You're broken. Broken people attract other broken people and have broken relationships. There is no set way to get back on your own two feet, other than go NC and work on yourself. It takes time, but I think you have some work to do on yourself. I would start there. Make a list of all of the things wrong with the girls you dated, and then think about what you consider the perfect girl and relationship.

 

 

Base your happiness on what makes you happy and that is not another person. Happiness comes from within. Get there, and then you'll attract a good healthy relationship and person. I don't think you were happy even when you were around her. It's very hard for codependent people to let-go because the root of it is that pain. You care so much you don't want her to feel it either. I understand it, but you've got to tough through it and get to the root of that now if you want better relationships moving forward. Better to do it now, and find a healthy relationship.

 

 

Keep your head up, you've got this.

 

 

I honestly have no idea why because I've never lost someone in my life (except my grandmother, but we weren't that close and it was entirely expected) and was certainly never abandoned. I guess I had an older brother who was really successful and I was constantly compared to him etc and made to feel not good enough, but I don't know if it's that. I honestly don't know if it's a case of me attracting that kind of person (I've had other, more normal relationships) or simply falling for a girl who showed her true colours, and by that point I was hooked and had become co-dependent. I feel like that's blaming her for everything though, and if I'm honest with myself I was as guilty in the relationship of pandering to it.

 

My parents were happy I was with someone I liked, but were concerned about her for sure. She is heavily depressed so when staying at mine she would be in PJs all day, come down really late etc, and they were worried it would rub off on me .. which it did to an extent. They were also worried because I turned down opportunities to work abroad because she simply wouldn't do that, and wouldn't even contemplate going to work in a big city, with her depression making that hard too. They were basically worried I would limit myself because of her.

 

My friends at Uni were worried, especially a couple of my best friends who actually got really angry at me. They were my flatmates yet I didn't even live there anymore, constantly staying at hers, spending entire days/nights there, eating dinner with her etc. I would cook, shop, wash up etc because of her depression and they were worried she was using me and that we were both too reliant on each other rather than having a greater social life. Therapy might be an idea, especially also since I'm badly struggling with getting over the breakup and need some support. I know I have to work on myself I just don't know where to start.

 

You're probably right, a lot of the time I wasn't happy when around her, but now it feels like I was? But I know that I had doubts and times when I was sick of the relationship and considered ending it. I guess the thing that's hurting most at the moment is the shock? Literally a week before she broke up with me, she was talking about marriage, being ultra affectionate etc .. and then she had a day where she just went entirely cold, she slept all day and when I came up for a hug she was like 'I'm not in the mood' .. I came back up later that night and she was saying that she felt sick. Then went on to talk about the issues in the relationship etc, quite a calm discussion, but then boom .. 'I think I should go home'. It just really hit me.

 

I feel so stupid because I know if she was to message me tomorrow like 'let's try again', I would. I'm so damn weak and at the moment can't get joy out of anything because I'm thinking about how she's doing, whether she misses me, whether she's going to see other guys .. and I don't know how to get that out of my mind. I want to be able to just move forward with myself but I can't get those toxic thoughts out of my head and it's stopping me from sleeping, eating etc so I'm so low energy throughout the day and slipping in to depression.

 

It's just the worst .. it's less intense than at the start but now I just feel numb and hopeless, like life without her is just never going to be good again.

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Yeah, I kind of figured all your bluster about blocking being unnecessary, immature, etc. were really because you're waiting for her to message you about getting back together.

 

You are keeping yourself attached to her. YOU are still in the relationship even though she no longer is. And that's why you aren't feeling any better.

 

What kind of professional help was or is she getting for her issues?

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Yeah, I kind of figured all your bluster about blocking being unnecessary, immature, etc. were really because you're waiting for her to message you about getting back together.

 

You are keeping yourself attached to her. YOU are still in the relationship even though she no longer is. And that's why you aren't feeling any better.

 

What kind of professional help was or is she getting for her issues?

 

 

I feel better sometimes, and then just awful at others. At the moment I'm kinda in between, like I said just numb about it. I really don't know how to cut myself off completely though, even if I block her I know the hope won't go away that she'll contact me in some way, honestly I want to let go and move on but it's on my mind all day.

 

We had an argument about 6 months ago over her depression, I basically said I can't deal with the way you're dealing with it (whenever she was at her worse she'd ask me to leave, lie in her bed in a dark room and just not message me for a couple of days, would go totally cold). I was desperate for her to try and deal with it but she was adamant this was her way of 'coping' .. though eventually she got on meds, but they made her 'too tired' and she came off them again. While she was down at mine she was like 'No honestly I feel fine recently, the depression hasn't been an issue'.

 

She wouldn't go get therapy etc because apparently she'd done it in the past and she'd talked to people who dismissed her issues and couldn't find the right person. She really wasn't getting any help, I have no idea about post-breakup (she said one of the reasons she left was because she needs to focus on herself etc but that's just standard let him down gently breakup talk imo) but I really doubt it. She hides from her issues, her whole coping method is lie in bed and try and ignore the problems.

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I feel better sometimes, and then just awful at others. At the moment I'm kinda in between, like I said just numb about it. I really don't know how to cut myself off completely though, even if I block her I know the hope won't go away that she'll contact me in some way, honestly I want to let go and move on but it's on my mind all day.

 

We had an argument about 6 months ago over her depression, I basically said I can't deal with the way you're dealing with it (whenever she was at her worse she'd ask me to leave, lie in her bed in a dark room and just not message me for a couple of days, would go totally cold). I was desperate for her to try and deal with it but she was adamant this was her way of 'coping' .. though eventually she got on meds, but they made her 'too tired' and she came off them again. While she was down at mine she was like 'No honestly I feel fine recently, the depression hasn't been an issue'.

 

She wouldn't go get therapy etc because apparently she'd done it in the past and she'd talked to people who dismissed her issues and couldn't find the right person. She really wasn't getting any help, I have no idea about post-breakup (she said one of the reasons she left was because she needs to focus on herself etc but that's just standard let him down gently breakup talk imo) but I really doubt it. She hides from her issues, her whole coping method is lie in bed and try and ignore the problems.

 

Ok, forget about the codependency stuff. You may not be, the point is a lot of us are messed up and it's simple to get messed up. It takes the right person to grow with... and SURPRISE! she isn't it. Knock her off the pedestal.. you weren't happy and have described why multiple times. Remind yourself that you weren't happy.

 

You are completely focusing on her. Stop it. Focus on you. Forget the what if's or what could have been and start living in the moment... this cycle you are going through is normal. You go back, it will be even more painful. She's got all of the power. Love is not a deficit state of want and need (that's what you're in)... that won't attract anything or anyone.

 

She's probably more than depressed, she probably needs a psychiatrist. Dr's nowadays just throw anti-depressants around like candy.

 

Enough about her. Focus on you. Let go with love, forget about fixing her... her issues, what may have caused it. It happened... the girl you loved broke up with you and it broke mutual trust, It's gone! If you get back together right away it will probably never work, and will be even more painful. All you need to do is do you and move on. Once you're through it you'll either be better for someone else or she'll come back and you probably won't want her anymore.

 

Everything you are feeling is normal. Just take it day by day and start keeping yourself busy. You'll have enough time to feel how you feel when you are alone at night. Go NC, delete all the accounts. Have someone drop off her stuff or mail it to her. Don't write any letters, don't send any messages... become a ghost.

 

 

She's not there to restrict you anymore. Go do what you would have done if you weren't with her!

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Ok, forget about the codependency stuff. You may not be, the point is a lot of us are messed up and it's simple to get messed up. It takes the right person to grow with... and SURPRISE! she isn't it. Knock her off the pedestal.. you weren't happy and have described why multiple times. Remind yourself that you weren't happy.

 

You are completely focusing on her. Stop it. Focus on you. Forget the what if's or what could have been and start living in the moment... this cycle you are going through is normal. You go back, it will be even more painful. She's got all of the power. Love is not a deficit state of want and need (that's what you're in)... that won't attract anything or anyone.

 

She's probably more than depressed, she probably needs a psychiatrist. Dr's nowadays just throw anti-depressants around like candy.

 

Enough about her. Focus on you. Let go with love, forget about fixing her... her issues, what may have caused it. It happened... the girl you loved broke up with you and it broke mutual trust, It's gone! If you get back together right away it will probably never work, and will be even more painful. All you need to do is do you and move on. Once you're through it you'll either be better for someone else or she'll come back and you probably won't want her anymore.

 

Everything you are feeling is normal. Just take it day by day and start keeping yourself busy. You'll have enough time to feel how you feel when you are alone at night. Go NC, delete all the accounts. Have someone drop off her stuff or mail it to her. Don't write any letters, don't send any messages... become a ghost.

 

 

She's not there to restrict you anymore. Go do what you would have done if you weren't with her!

 

 

I've done pretty well at not sending her messages etc (the only time I've done so was regarding a blazer, which she still hasn't sent after saying she would..) and since she broke up at my place, she was able to get all my stuff. The only reason we have to contact each other is over her having the blazer, but I'm giving her till the end of the week to tell me she's posted it.

 

I think you're right that she needed someone to talk to rather than meds, but like you say it doesn't matter, that's her issue now. I'm trying not to focus on her so much but it is tough, I really don't have much to do right now. I just finished University and whilst I'm looking for a job I'm currently unemployed, and most of my friends don't live in my town or anywhere close. I have a ton of free time in an empty house, should be helped tomorrow as my parents return from holiday so the house won't be so damn lonely. I'm also visiting my sister next week so again, things should start picking up and I should have more distractions.

 

At the moment I'm just mindlessly watching youtube videos, scrolling through stuff etc .. and it's not enough really to stop my thoughts going to her.

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- Ever lift weights? Great way to channel energy and tire yourself out... You're going through the motions, it takes time... a lot of time sometimes. It's ok to feel what you're feeling. Get it all out, and then pick yourself up. You'll get stronger.

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I'm feeling a bit suspect about the blazer TBH, and irritated.

 

 

If I broke up with someone and they sent a polite message asking me to send something over which was valuable, I'd do it ASAP. I'd wanna get it over with and have that done, yet she still hasn't messaged me about it after saying she would send it. She's not working or anything so she has plenty of time to just post it, it's been nearly 2 weeks since we broke up.

 

I dunno if she's just being lazy about it and doesn't really care, or if she's using it because she knows I'll contact her about it again. Like I said, I will give her until the weekend to update me, but I really don't get what is so difficult about it.

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- Ever lift weights? Great way to channel energy and tire yourself out... You're going through the motions, it takes time... a lot of time sometimes. It's ok to feel what you're feeling. Get it all out, and then pick yourself up. You'll get stronger.

 

Yeah I really want to start working out again (I did before her) but I am just not eating, like at all. I'm having maybe one small meal a day at most and I really can't be lifting weights on that. I dunno whether I should start with a light routine though and maybe it'll help give me an appetite.

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