Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?

[jeremiahsain]

You can redirect your thoughts.

 

I tend to obsess about work (I was promoted a few months ago and run the department). When I start obsessing I tell myself (yes, out loud) "Nope, not going to think about work" and I redirect to thoughts about my upcoming vacation, my kids, my friends, where I'm going on my next weekend...anything but work. And I make sure they are pleasant thoughts of something that makes me happy.

 

Try to remember...you can stop feeling responsible for her. In fact, you have to. Unless you want to go back to being her on demand caretaker. She's managed this far without you. It may be hard to accept, but she can live just fine without you.

 

 

I try to think about my trip to Australia coming up in a few weeks, that usually helps.

 

Honestly, I don't even think she wants this, let alone me. Towards the end the relationship just had zero attraction, it was just me running round after her while she laid in bed. I was more of a carer than a boyfriend, and that wasn't good for either of us, looking back I can't believe what I allowed myself to become. I think maybe she feels a bit guilty about the way things were before it ended, and maybe trying so hard to be friends was her way of feeling better about it, but again I'm thinking way too much about how she feels!

 

Anyway basically I really don't feel responsible for her anymore. She's an adult woman and she made this bed. Most of the thoughts about her are actually more connected to stuff that happened during the relationship, the way she treated me when her ex came in to the picture, and a few other things I won't get in to. I'm mostly just lying there angry about it which is obviously stupid, so yeah need to distract myself from that!

[jeremiahsain]

So I get a message from a friend of hers on facebook, basically directly using her friends account to message me:

 

'Hey i just wanted to say again that it’s really nice and helpful to have still been able to have a chat. Also my skyrim copy doesn't work on my pc anymore so am I able to gift it to you on steam, if you want it it's yours!'

 

 

Honestly don't know what to do about this, this isn't even really a mutual friend she's only on my list because of her. I said I really don't appreciate her going through friends accounts because I've blocked her, but it seems like she's trying to use any method to contact me. I really don't understand why you would break up with somebody then continually try and message them, especially since she's expressed no desire to get back together.

 

Obviously I deleted the mutual, but my god I honestly cannot understand why you'd be so keen to keep someone in your life as a friend after breaking up with them.

[ninjabib]

Shes missing the support you offer. My ex did the same. Just ignore, dont reply, they will go away eventually. Took about 5 months for mine to stop.

[jeremiahsain]

Shes missing the support you offer. My ex did the same. Just ignore, dont reply, they will go away eventually. Took about 5 months for mine to stop.

 

 

Yeah I will just keep ignoring, and blocking if she uses mutuals .. I've gone through my list and deleted anybody who I was only friends with because of her.

 

Such a selfish way to go about things though. Break up with somebody then expect to still have them around on a buddy basis.

[ninjabib]

Shes getting back in your head. Any contact from her brings you back to this thread. It might be hard, you feel wronged i know, you seem like a principled person but you have to just rise above it and not think about it.

[jeremiahsain]

Shes getting back in your head. Any contact from her brings you back to this thread. It might be hard, you feel wronged i know, you seem like a principled person but you have to just rise above it and not think about it.

 

 

Sad really. I was 100% respectful of her decision to break up (I know I made this thread, but face to face I said I understand, didn't beg or get angry etc) but it seems she can't repay that and respect my wishes.

[ninjabib]

No and she never will that's why you pay her not another second thought.

[boltnrun]

You're not surprised, are you? Wasn't the entire relationship all about you catering to her whims and wishes, at least the last 6 months? Business as usual...she expects you to want to continue to cater to her. You always did, so in her mind it should always be this way.

 

You can stop this if you want...disable messenger. I'm sure you can text your friends when you want to get ahold of them.

[RayRay63]

You can stop this if you want...disable messenger.

 

Maybe the OP should deactivate his account for a while - by which I mean its hidden, not deleted.

[jeremiahsain]

Deactivating my account seems a bit rash, I use it for pretty much all my communication etc with friends, so it would suck to lose that. Especially because of her!

 

 

I think I'll just go down the route of if she does find a way to message me, I'll just ignore and immediately block. She'll get the message. It's not something that really bothers me as such, it's more just confusion because I question why she would want to remain in contact so badly.

[jeremiahsain]

You're not surprised, are you? Wasn't the entire relationship all about you catering to her whims and wishes, at least the last 6 months? Business as usual...she expects you to want to continue to cater to her. You always did, so in her mind it should always be this way.

 

You can stop this if you want...disable messenger. I'm sure you can text your friends when you want to get ahold of them.

 

 

Yeah, that makes sense really. I followed her wishes like a little puppy for a long while in the relationship, so like you say it makes sense that she would expect me to still be there to support her.

 

Ergh, that brings back bad memories though .. honestly sometimes I just stop and think about how much of a doormat I was and it makes me cringe. Friends warned me too, it's crazy how blind people can be in relationships, I pretty much hung on her every word and genuinely believed she was crazy about me. Honestly, as much as some of what she did in the relationship wasn't right at all, I only have myself to blame for letting her treat me that way .. it wasn't the case when we got together, I gradually just became more pathetic as the relationship went on.

 

Honestly though, even disabling messenger wouldn't do it .. if she wants to contact me she can, she has my number, address etc, all I can do is block her on the relevant social media and wait for her to get bored.

[boltnrun]

It took YEARS for my ex to get the message that I no longer was crazy in love with him.

 

He was honestly befuddled...the tactics that always worked with me (guilt trips, berating, insulting, using other women to make me jealous, ignoring me, self-pity, threats of self harm, etc.) no longer worked. I could tell he was confused...it was actually hilarious.

 

The very last text he sent (I was in his hometown spending time with a cousin of his who was and had remained a good friend) was of the guilt trip/self-pity variety after berating and attempting to shame me didn't work. He said that I "suck" because I didn't even tell him I was in town!!! And when I ignored him, he texted the cousin to tell me to call him. When I still didn't respond, he sent a poor me text to the cousin saying "She probably don't want to talk to me anyway...". He was right about that! None of those tactics worked so he tried blocking me which was hilarious because I wasn't trying to contact him anyway!

 

And that all happened EIGHT years after we'd broken up and he'd been in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for the entire time.

 

The only reason none of it worked was (and is) because I don't want him. I don't feel any of the emotions he's trying to get me to feel. I don't care about him.

 

Once you get to the "I really don't care" phase, you will stop ruminating about "Why, why, WHY???!!! is she contacting me???"

[ninjabib]

Agree with boltnrun above. You still have some level of feelings towards her even if very small. You dont question why she contacts. If she finds a way instant block and forget it.

[jeremiahsain]

Agree with boltnrun above. You still have some level of feelings towards her even if very small. You dont question why she contacts. If she finds a way instant block and forget it.

 

 

Oh I don't deny I still have some small amount of feelings for her, totally irrational but we were together for 2 years, I think it's only natural there would still be some feeling. Which yeah does make me curious, but less so all the time really .. at first it was a burning desire to know how she was feeling about it, now it's just the odd lingering thought.

 

But yeah, certainly will just be instant blocking if/when she finds a way.

[jeremiahsain]

It took YEARS for my ex to get the message that I no longer was crazy in love with him.

 

He was honestly befuddled...the tactics that always worked with me (guilt trips, berating, insulting, using other women to make me jealous, ignoring me, self-pity, threats of self harm, etc.) no longer worked. I could tell he was confused...it was actually hilarious.

 

The very last text he sent (I was in his hometown spending time with a cousin of his who was and had remained a good friend) was of the guilt trip/self-pity variety after berating and attempting to shame me didn't work. He said that I "suck" because I didn't even tell him I was in town!!! And when I ignored him, he texted the cousin to tell me to call him. When I still didn't respond, he sent a poor me text to the cousin saying "She probably don't want to talk to me anyway...". He was right about that! None of those tactics worked so he tried blocking me which was hilarious because I wasn't trying to contact him anyway!

 

And that all happened EIGHT years after we'd broken up and he'd been in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for the entire time.

 

The only reason none of it worked was (and is) because I don't want him. I don't feel any of the emotions he's trying to get me to feel. I don't care about him.

 

Once you get to the "I really don't care" phase, you will stop ruminating about "Why, why, WHY???!!! is she contacting me???"

 

Jesus, that's crazy. I'm curious though, who did the breaking up in your relationship? The main thing I'm confused about is why you'd end it with someone then still try to assert yourself on their life. If I ended a relationship I'd feel guilty and totally respectful of the other persons boundaries, like I'd be aware that I potentially just shoved a dagger in their heart! It's just a really bad lack of empathy for the other person to be like 'yeah, I'll still hang around in this persons life after telling them they aren't wanted'.

 

I think I'm getting closer to the don't care phase. Every week that goes by I can feel myself detaching from the feelings I had for her, it's more just idle curiosity these days. I think that process really started when she talked about wanting to be 'friends', until then I was clinging on to hope, hearing that hurt but it steeled me a lot and made me realise all she was interested in was keeping me around just in case/someone to talk to when she's lonely.

[boltnrun]

Well, like I said he was with the woman he had cheated on me with and dumped me for, so yeah, he dumped me (via email lol).

 

He is one of those who wants every single woman he has ever been involved with to pine over him forever, even though he is always the dumper and always has someone else lined up. So for him it's an ego thing.

 

Your ex expects you to react the same way you did the last time she dumped you; to sit around pining and waiting eagerly for her to deign to take you back. You didn't do that this time, but I'm sure she thinks you're just trying to play it cool or something. But that you are doing nothing but anxiously awaiting contact from her so you can fall all over yourself to do things for her.

 

It's going to take some time for her to realize the truth. But you won't get there if you keep responding, even if it's to ask about her nan or tell her to stop using others to message you. She will take any and all responses from you as evidence you want to stay in her life.

 

If you truly, honestly want to get off this roundabout, stop responding. Period.

[Morello]

Jesus, that's crazy. I'm curious though, who did the breaking up in your relationship? The main thing I'm confused about is why you'd end it with someone then still try to assert yourself on their life. If I ended a relationship I'd feel guilty and totally respectful of the other persons boundaries, like I'd be aware that I potentially just shoved a dagger in their heart! It's just a really bad lack of empathy for the other person to be like 'yeah, I'll still hang around in this persons life after telling them they aren't wanted'.

 

I think I'm getting closer to the don't care phase. Every week that goes by I can feel myself detaching from the feelings I had for her, it's more just idle curiosity these days. I think that process really started when she talked about wanting to be 'friends', until then I was clinging on to hope, hearing that hurt but it steeled me a lot and made me realise all she was interested in was keeping me around just in case/someone to talk to when she's lonely.

 

I'm pretty sure you do understand why she's reaching out. She doesn't want a relationship with you but still wants you as a friend to care for her and give her emotional support while she heals from it and prepares for her next relationship when she'll dump your a$$ again, this time as a friend.

 

I'd suggest you just keep NC and like bolturn said, at some point in the future she'll understand that you actually don't want her to be part of your life.

 

Also, you two are certainly different people. You'd respect and feel guilty if you were the dumper. She clearly doesn't feel that way.

[jeremiahsain]

Well, like I said he was with the woman he had cheated on me with and dumped me for, so yeah, he dumped me (via email lol).

 

He is one of those who wants every single woman he has ever been involved with to pine over him forever, even though he is always the dumper and always has someone else lined up. So for him it's an ego thing.

 

Your ex expects you to react the same way you did the last time she dumped you; to sit around pining and waiting eagerly for her to deign to take you back. You didn't do that this time, but I'm sure she thinks you're just trying to play it cool or something. But that you are doing nothing but anxiously awaiting contact from her so you can fall all over yourself to do things for her.

 

It's going to take some time for her to realize the truth. But you won't get there if you keep responding, even if it's to ask about her nan or tell her to stop using others to message you. She will take any and all responses from you as evidence you want to stay in her life.

 

If you truly, honestly want to get off this roundabout, stop responding. Period.

 

 

Yeah that's true, I ignored the last message she sent so I'm on the right track for that. I think before I responded more out of politeness (she was sending the blazer etc) and because I did genuinely feel bad about her nan. It's not really in my nature to not ask how somebody is when I know they're sick .. and I think she knows that.

[jeremiahsain]

I'm pretty sure you do understand why she's reaching out. She doesn't want a relationship with you but still wants you as a friend to care for her and give her emotional support while she heals from it and prepares for her next relationship when she'll dump your a$$ again, this time as a friend.

 

I'd suggest you just keep NC and like bolturn said, at some point in the future she'll understand that you actually don't want her to be part of your life.

 

Also, you two are certainly different people. You'd respect and feel guilty if you were the dumper. She clearly doesn't feel that way.

 

 

True, I think she surely already realises I don't want her as part of my life .. I've pretty much said as much and have ignored her last couple of messages. Sure, I asked if her nan was ok when she mentioned her last, but that was out of simple respect. She has an ill relative, I'd say the same to somebody who I barely knew!

[jeremiahsain]

Made a huge mistake today.

 

Was mindlessly going through instagram and ended up being tempted to check her page (she isn't blocked on this, I just unfollowed her) .. where I saw her with another guy in a few pics.

 

Despite really not thinking about her much recently, this for some reason sent me straight back in to panic mode, I ended up throwing up (??) before calming down after that.

 

It's stupid really, it's been 2 months so obviously I can have no problem with her seeing other people .. but it irrationally made me angry and panicky. I genuinely thought I had moved on from that, but I guess I still have a lot of work to do. It's weird how seeing one thing like that can really set you back, definitely an example to anybody else how important not going on your exes social media is .. it's really not worth the pain. It's really set me back tbh, and I'm kinda wondering why she would decide to start trying to get in contact with me again the same week she's getting feelings for someone else?!

 

I get that this is all self inflicted, I've always lacked discipline in these situations and it's a big flaw of mine. Sadly it's really biting me in the arse now and I don't know what to do because once again I'm playing everything over and over in my head, and getting angry at her for stuff that I can do nothing to change. She basically said a load of BS when we broke up that I keep wishing I could confront her with now, but I know that would be completely pointless and she would probably just enjoy the attention.

 

I just despise the fact she still impacts me like this, clearly she's way past that point if she's already seeing another guy. Felt like a real kick in the teeth.

[jeremiahsain]

I'm pretty sure you do understand why she's reaching out. She doesn't want a relationship with you but still wants you as a friend to care for her and give her emotional support while she heals from it and prepares for her next relationship when she'll dump your a$$ again, this time as a friend.

I'd suggest you just keep NC and like bolturn said, at some point in the future she'll understand that you actually don't want her to be part of your life.

 

Also, you two are certainly different people. You'd respect and feel guilty if you were the dumper. She clearly doesn't feel that way.

 

 

This proved to be very true .. she wanted that support and comfort while she sees other people, and hey if that goes wrong I would still be there to speak to! Of course if she got in to another serious relationship, there's no way that guy would want her talking to me.

 

 

I knew that was the case, but it definitely sucks when it gets confirmed.

[boltnrun]

Well, she is not "impacting" you. You are.

 

She did not invite you to stalk her Instagram. You chose to.

 

OK, enough of that.

 

Are you ready now to delete and block her, for real this time? Are you ready to stop hoping you two will reconcile? Because you have been hoping despite your denials.

 

She is not the one for you. She is not good for you. Hopefully you know this now and can stop trying to hang on.

 

BTW, I am not the slightest bit surprised. No way would she have tossed away a sure thing (you) unless she had a replacement lined up. She can use him now instead of using you. Believe it or not, you are better off.

[jeremiahsain]

Well, she is not "impacting" you. You are.

 

She did not invite you to stalk her Instagram. You chose to.

 

OK, enough of that.

 

Are you ready now to delete and block her, for real this time? Are you ready to stop hoping you two will reconcile? Because you have been hoping despite your denials.

 

She is not the one for you. She is not good for you. Hopefully you know this now and can stop trying to hang on.

 

BTW, I am not the slightest bit surprised. No way would she have tossed away a sure thing (you) unless she had a replacement lined up. She can use him now instead of using you. Believe it or not, you are better off.

 

 

Oh, I know it's my fault .. I'm not saying it's because of her that I went on her instagram, I get that it was totally my decision.

 

Honestly, she is blocked on everything I use .. today was the first time I had been on instagram in months (since before we got together) and I just ended up being stupid, I blocked her on that afterwards too. You're probably right that a part of me has been hoping, though mostly I have long since accepted the relationship is done and dusted. It's just those remaining feelings I need to purge.

 

I already know all of that, the problem is that logically knowing she wasn't the one and isn't good for me doesn't translate to the stupid irrational feelings going away. I have been hanging on in certain ways though, and me still checking her social media proves that. Like I said, I'm ill disciplined as hell in these situations and I make mistakes I know I'll regret. It's actually pretty self destructive and I don't know why I do it, I make decisions sometimes knowing they will be bad for me, knowing it will hurt and have repercussions ..

 

I honestly don't think she had a replacement lined up, as far as I know she met this guy recently at a festival. I think it was more a case of her ending it because she got bored of the relationship and the attraction just wasn't there anymore, we spent way too much time together and I could feel the interest going for a long time. Obviously I was there as a 'sure thing' but I think she decided to take the risk and end it as I was starting to question the lack of interest, sex etc .. but yeah, I know long term I'm better off out of the horrible mess which was us towards the end, but unfortunately my brain doesn't seem to want to accept that yet.

[RayRay63]

 

I honestly don't think she had a replacement lined up, as far as I know she met this guy recently at a festival. I think it was more a case of her ending it because she got bored of the relationship and the attraction just wasn't there anymore, we spent way too much time together and I could feel the interest going for a long time. Obviously I was there as a 'sure thing' but I think she decided to take the risk and end it as I was starting to question the lack of interest, sex etc .. but yeah, I know long term I'm better off out of the horrible mess which was us towards the end, but unfortunately my brain doesn't seem to want to accept that yet.

 

All this deep analytical thinking about what happened - two months down the track - is preventing you from moving along.

 

Truth is, it doesn't matter why she ended the relationship - only that she did.

 

You now have to learn to live your life without her in it. Because she has chosen not to be in it.

 

When you say "my brain doesn't seem to want to accept that yet", if I understand you correctly, you are still having emotional feelings, and intrusive thoughts about her, and cravings to see what she is doing, who with, etc. You are wondering if she misses you at all, what she is thinking about you.This is, at least in part, your emotional brain suffering withdrawal from it's addiction to her. Your rational brain should be on course to win that fight now, so you need to take positive steps to help it if you want to escape from this blue funk.

 

You say "It's just those remaining feelings I need to purge...I'm ill disciplined as hell". This is not just about discipline, it also has to do with brain chemistry. There are some people who may have the requisite mental control in uber -Zen proportions to flick a switch and be done, but I have never met one. People who can walk instantly away from a relationship end and feel nothing were either done with it before then, or more likely were never invested in it in the first place (leaving sociopaths aside).

 

I repeat, there is no switch that can be easily flicked over to do this. It is an incremental process. Time will work in your favor - if you take a little step today, another next week, and so forth.

 

You said above that you have now blocked her on all social media. Well done on that. That was last week's step. As time flows (time is your best ally) take another one this week.

 

I am reasonably sure we have discussed the importance of exercise and endorphins before, or at least someone mentioned them to you. So here is a suggestion for next week's step - if you feel the urge to sneak another look at her social media next week, get your gear on and lift some weights/run, whatever. Develop that as a habit. To emphasize, exercise gives you endorphin release -and that will help your emotional brain by training it to seek that high, instead of craving the oxytocin release that it used to get from the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. However it is a wake-up call to move on and block and delete her once and for all. It also explains why she was "so busy" and very apathetic toward you once she went back home. Was this her home bf, while you were the uni bf?

if she's already seeing another guy.