Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?

[jeremiahsain]

Why are you in touch with her friends?📦📮 Did you ask about the postage?

 

We have mutual friends, we were at Uni together so we all hung out.

 

Her nan has been in the hospital and she's been there etc, so I felt bad and didn't want to press her about the blazer. She originally said she will post it tomorrow, but I said you don't have to explain yourself and if something comes up with your nan I totally understand. She said she knew I'd understand and that she will get it posted over the next week but I really don't expect it, at this point I have basically given up on it, I'm not going to press the situation when her grandmother is badly ill.

 

I feel stupid though because we kinda reconnected and it was obvious she was having a hard time and was really happy to be talking to me. I basically became a shoulder to cry on/a friend for her though which obviously I don't want to be, so now I have to disconnect myself from the situation but it's hard because I do still really care about her. I can't just be there for her to have someone to talk to though.

[Wiseman2]

Then why keep doing it? 🤔

I can't just be there for her to have someone to talk to though.

[jeremiahsain]

Then why keep doing it? 🤔

 

 

This is the only time I have since. I think it was mainly me feeling bad for the fact her grandmother is ill, so I softened and then it escalated from there. I made a mistake and have stopped the conversation now, but its tough .. there's obviously still some really strong feelings there and I don't want her to feel alone and sad, but I know that it isn't my responsibility to look after her now. It's just hard to accept that.

[jeremiahsain]

Right, so now she has just messaged me saying I still want you to do well, I still want to tag you in things on facebook, I still want to be 'friends' etc and I'm so glad we can still talk. Apparently I'm still an 'important part of her life' .. like what does that even mean?

 

I feel bad and stupid that I've obviously given her that hope that we can just be friends and that'll be ok. How do I tell her (gently) that whilst I still want the best for her, she can't be regularly messaging me etc because I won't be able to move on? I keep starting to write a message basically saying 'this was a mistake' but then deleting it because I feel stupid.

[Wiseman2]

It's your job to create boundaries and move on, not hers. 🎭Leave the poor girl alone and stop obsessing. Just don't maintain all this contact. Stop annoying her with all this neurosis about the breakup, the blazer, being friends, etc.

How do I tell her... because I won't be able to move on?

[jeremiahsain]

It's your job to create boundaries and move on, not hers. 🎭Leave the poor girl alone and stop obsessing. Just don't maintain all this contact. Stop annoying her with all this neurosis about the breakup, the blazer, being friends, etc.

 

What..?

 

 

I have messaged her a grand total of twice since the breakup, both just messages asking if she had been able to send the blazer yet as I asked. I haven't annoyed her about anything, and it was her who suggested that she really wanted to remain friends, and made a conversation out of it when all I did was enquire about the blazer.

 

She's going to keep messaging me unless I establish boundaries, but I don't know how to do that without hurting her. She's been talking a lot about how happy she is we talked so I feel terrible about trying to cut her off again, I care about the girl and with her nan being ill I don't want to be cold towards her, but I also don't want her to use me just as somebody to lean on.

[EnglishRose9]

What..?

 

 

I have messaged her a grand total of twice since the breakup, both just messages asking if she had been able to send the blazer yet as I asked. I haven't annoyed her about anything, and it was her who suggested that she really wanted to remain friends, and made a conversation out of it when all I did was enquire about the blazer.

 

She's going to keep messaging me unless I establish boundaries, but I don't know how to do that without hurting her. She's been talking a lot about how happy she is we talked so I feel terrible about trying to cut her off again, I care about the girl and with her nan being ill I don't want to be cold towards her, but I also don't want her to use me just as somebody to lean on.

 

Just tell her politely but firmly that at the moment you can’t be her friend because communicating with her won’t help you heal and move forward from the break up. Wish her the best and that’s it.

[jeremiahsain]

Just tell her politely but firmly that at the moment you can’t be her friend because communicating with her won’t help you heal and move forward from the break up. Wish her the best and that’s it.

 

I sent her a message basically saying that it was nice to talk to her and I really hope her nan pulls through, but that I don't think it's good for either of us to be talking right now as it'll stop us moving on. She hasn't replied but I do feel bad, I allowed the conversation to go that way and she was so happy to be talking again.

[boltnrun]

Sure she's happy. She gets what she wants from you with no effort on her part, just like always. And she doesn't even have to be your girlfriend!

 

But what do you get? Tied to someone who only wants to use you for emotional support.

 

I knew all along that it was YOU who was using the blazer as a tool, not her. But what has that gotten you?

 

And yeah, codependent people cater to others at the expense of their own well being or happiness. You certainly fit the bill to a tee.

 

The others are right...it's up to YOU to set and stick to boundaries, not her. But that is something codependents aren't able to do without help.

[jeremiahsain]

Sure she's happy. She gets what she wants from you with no effort on her part, just like always. And she doesn't even have to be your girlfriend!

 

But what do you get? Tied to someone who only wants to use you for emotional support.

 

I knew all along that it was YOU who was using the blazer as a tool, not her. But what has that gotten you?

 

And yeah, codependent people cater to others at the expense of their own well being or happiness. You certainly fit the bill to a tee.

 

The others are right...it's up to YOU to set and stick to boundaries, not her. But that is something codependents aren't able to do without help.

 

 

I know, I messed up. I don't think I was using the blazer as a tool though, honestly I set out with a simple 'have you sent it yet?' and when she said 'No sorry my nan has been ill etc etc' I basically just went on to say I'm sorry to hear that, it's understandable etc, end of the week is fine thanks ... she then diverted the conversation but I didn't know what to do because she was talking about how horrible she felt over her grandmother being in hospital and I don't know, I felt I had to comfort her about it?

 

I know I should have just been like 'you can't be turning to your ex about this' but I don't know .. I just crumbled a bit and got carried away. You're 100% right that she got what she wanted (somebody to speak to etc) with no effort and I'm dumb as hell for giving in to that. I was accepting the crumbs she was sending me like a total idiot and it felt good just to be having a conversation with her again. It felt so good at the time, and then straight afterwards I felt sick about it, like all the effort to go no contact for weeks had been thrown away for absolutely no reason. Like, it just happened so easily that suddenly she was telling me all her problems (starting her period, her nan, jobs etc) and I was like jesus this girl is just using me to unload on.

 

I know it's up to me to set boundaries, I know it's me who messed things up, she wants to stay 'friends' and have somebody she can lean on and speak to so she isn't lonely, I don't want that so it's up to me to assert that. I get that completely. I dunno if I should be talking to somebody about the codependency.

[endy]

I know, I messed up. I don't think I was using the blazer as a tool though, honestly I set out with a simple 'have you sent it yet?' and when she said 'No sorry my nan has been ill etc etc' I basically just went on to say I'm sorry to hear that, it's understandable etc, end of the week is fine thanks ... she then diverted the conversation but I didn't know what to do because she was talking about how horrible she felt over her grandmother being in hospital and I don't know, I felt I had to comfort her about it?

 

I know I should have just been like 'you can't be turning to your ex about this' but I don't know .. I just crumbled a bit and got carried away. You're 100% right that she got what she wanted (somebody to speak to etc) with no effort and I'm dumb as hell for giving in to that. I was accepting the crumbs she was sending me like a total idiot and it felt good just to be having a conversation with her again. It felt so good at the time, and then straight afterwards I felt sick about it, like all the effort to go no contact for weeks had been thrown away for absolutely no reason. Like, it just happened so easily that suddenly she was telling me all her problems (starting her period, her nan, jobs etc) and I was like jesus this girl is just using me to unload on.

 

I know it's up to me to set boundaries, I know it's me who messed things up, she wants to stay 'friends' and have somebody she can lean on and speak to so she isn't lonely, I don't want that so it's up to me to assert that. I get that completely. I dunno if I should be talking to somebody about the codependency.

 

You're not dumb... I've seen a lot of people do a lot worse. Get the damn jacket and then don't speak to her again... ever. You've gotten good advice thus far on this thread. Read on codependency a bit. If you don't address it and are made aware of the tendencies it causes... it will effect you your whole life.

[jeremiahsain]

You're not dumb... I've seen a lot of people do a lot worse. Get the damn jacket and then don't speak to her again... ever. You've gotten good advice thus far on this thread. Read on codependency a bit. If you don't address it and are made aware of the tendencies it causes... it will effect you your whole life.

 

 

I've basically decided to give up on the blazer.

 

If she does as she says and sends it? Great, but I'm not going to message her again about it or follow it up, it just isn't worth it.

[jeremiahsain]

Yeah, talking to her was a horrible idea, it's basically sent me back to how I felt during the first week of the breakup. I was starting to not think of her all the time and now it's constant and I'm going over all the 'what ifs' again. It was pretty obvious from speaking to her that she's moved on with her life and is ready to just be friends and that's made me feel pretty bad, I know I should be focused on myself but it's hard to balance out those thoughts.

 

I guess I had convinced myself she was struggling like I was about the breakup, and I just really don't think that's true. I do think she's pretty lonely but I definitely don't feel like she misses me. It's a hard pill to swallow.

[boltnrun]

Did you block her? Including her phone number, Instagram, Whatsapp, messenger, Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

 

I presume you are "ready" to do so now.

[jeremiahsain]

Did you block her? Including her phone number, Instagram, Whatsapp, messenger, Facebook, Twitter, etc.?

 

I presume you are "ready" to do so now.

 

 

Yes. I'm not going through that again, I've also told her to please not get her friends to pass on her messages unless it is absolutely urgent.

 

I already had her blocked on insta, we don't use whatasapp, blocked her on messenger etc, don't use twitter, so that's sorted. She knows not to contact me.

 

I just don't get her though, how could she want to be just 'friends' after 2 weeks? We dated for 2 years, literally 2 weeks ago you were saying you loved me, I was the guy you wanted to marry etc .. I don't get how she didn't see that it would be a kick in the teeth.

[boltnrun]

Have you ever known her to consider how her actions affect others?

[jeremiahsain]

Have you ever known her to consider how her actions affect others?

 

Not really tbh.

 

 

I didn't really want to say this, but about a year in to our relationship she was having 'doubts' but didn't tell me about them and instead went to a friend of hers, who just so happened to be an ex from years back. She confided in him about it all and also reminisced about whether or not they could have worked out, at one point he straight up asked whether she'd prefer to be with him or stay with me and she couldn't answer. This guy was also at the time dating her best friend.

 

I found out about it, we nearly broke up but she blamed her depression and said that it had her being somebody she didn't recognise and was adamant that it 'wasn't her' who had wrote those things. She apologised over and over, kept saying 'I love you' and I decided to forgive her for it, but told her if anything remotely similar happened again we were done.

 

I should have broke up then, she uses her depression as a defence when she acts like a terrible person. I was so weak (and co-dependent) that I took her back and tbh I will regret that the rest of my life, feel like such an idiot for buying it then, she just got scared of being alone. I wouldn't be surprised if in two weeks she tries to get in contact and tries to say the same all over again whilst blaming her depression for everything. She's a very selfish person who clearly doesn't realise how much this has impacted me and is treating it like a casual thing, oh now we can just be friends, message on facebook every day etc ..

 

I'll always remember friends around me being utterly bemused when I forgave her the first time. They couldn't believe that I was so blind and kept telling me how wrong what she did was, how she had cheated on me emotionally to my face without ever admitting it etc. I knew they were 100% right at the time but I was completely blinded, it was like a drug I had to get back on after being away from her for a few days, I went straight back and slept with her that very night. Total moron.

[ninjabib]

Good advice given throughout this thread. The blazer isnt worth it and neither is she. SHe will suck you dry and not in a good way.

[jeremiahsain]

Good advice given throughout this thread. The blazer isnt worth it and neither is she. SHe will suck you dry and not in a good way.

 

Yeah I know, sadly for a long time I wasn't willing to just totally kick her out of my life, but I'm getting there now and have blocked her on everything despite her still wanting contact/wanting to be 'friends' (i.e wanting someone she can message when she gets lonely and when she needs someone to feel sorry for her).

 

The blazer is annoying, I did want it back, but it's not as important as my mental state which has been in tatters because I was still maintaining that connection. People on here were absolutely giving good advice but sadly I was still in the 'maybe we could get back together' mode even though I know that wouldn't even be remotely good for me. She's a massive user.

 

Maybe she'll send it, who knows, ball is in her court. I'm not going to message her about it but she promised this week and even said she'd pay postage. Let's just say I won't be holding my breath .. I reckon her making an effort to send it was totally dependent on me continuing to be her emotional support boy.

[ninjabib]

She sounds similar to my ex, very needy/demanding, not willing to do that much for others. Totally wrapped up in herself, believe me you are better off without her. She will take and take from you and somehow always position herself as the victim. The sooner you cut all contact the better you will feel my friend.

 

If she sends it great, refund her the postage, end of. If she doesnt send it you've still got her out of you life. Win win situation.

 

Regarding the jacket you are right i think, she will play ball with your blazer if you play ball with her emotionally but that will just be so draining for you and not worth it, no blazers worth it.

[jeremiahsain]

She sounds similar to my ex, very needy/demanding, not willing to do that much for others. Totally wrapped up in herself, believe me you are better off without her. She will take and take from you and somehow always position herself as the victim. The sooner you cut all contact the better you will feel my friend.

 

If she sends it great, refund her the postage, end of. If she doesnt send it you've still got her out of you life. Win win situation.

 

Regarding the jacket you are right i think, she will play ball with your blazer if you play ball with her emotionally but that will just be so draining for you and not worth it, no blazers worth it.

 

Pretty much. She blamed all her bad behaviour on the depression and I fell for that and went with the whole 'it's not her fault' line, but man was I kidding myself. Treated me like a lapdog throughout Uni, I was there for her during the breakdowns, basically became a servant etc, and got pretty much nothing back. Being 100% honest, I think she didn't want to break up at University because she had nobody to cook for her, be with her when she was lonely etc, but when Uni ended? I think she figured she doesn't need me anymore.

 

Anyway, doesn't matter now .. I do already feel better totally cutting off contact, and earlier I wrote a list of everything bad she did during the relationship, and why I'm better off that she decided to walk out. That helped, when I looked at the finished article honestly I was like 'Jesus man, you put up with all this?'. People around me have all been saying that honestly they're relieved and that it's for the best, and I can't believe I ignored them for nearly 2 years. They must have thought I was a total idiot.

 

Yeah, absolutely. Soon as I was comforting towards her etc, she was all accommodating and 'I'll send it over tomorrow, no worries about postage!', complete change of tone etc. Her being at all helpful is totally dependent on me being there as someone she can use, there's no sense of 'This guy did a ton for me when we were together, I just broke his heart a few days after talking about getting married etc, I should at least deal with this for him', it's just purely how it can service her.

[ninjabib]

Shes got some personality disorder thats for sure, maybe a narc. Anyway i'm glad you have come to your senses. It does takes time, be good to yourself. It took me 6 weeks to go from wantng to resolve things to wanting absolutely nothing to do with her ever again. I've not looked back and i dont think you will either once the initial pain passes.

[boltnrun]

There's an old(ish) movie called The House of Yes starring Parker Posey. One of the characters (a young woman played by Posey) is allegedly mentally ill, so her entire family tiptoes around her and caters to her every whim. She never has to do a thing for herself or that she doesn't want to do because if anyone "upsets" her she has a meltdown. Her brother's girlfriend visits and at one point tells her "You're not mentally ill. You're just spoiled". And the young woman says "Well we're not going to start speaking the TRUTH around here!", basically acknowledging it.

 

This reminds me of your ex. She's got everyone so afraid of "causing" her to have a meltdown or go into one of her "depressions" that they will do anything she wants. And I wonder if a medical professional has ever actually diagnosed her. It's also telling that she refuses to continue treatment; maybe a therapist saw through her act.

 

And yeah, codependents eat this up. They truly believe if they ever say "no" to someone like her she will do something drastic like hurt herself. Truth is...if you said no once in a while she might have actually respected you. Or maybe not...she might have just ditched you to find someone who will cater to her.

 

Regardless, you do not have to resign yourself to a lifetime of caretaker to a grown ass woman. She can take her own books back to the library.

 

PS: Don't fall into the trap of diagnosing her. That would just give you another excuse to continue contact.

[jeremiahsain]

There's an old(ish) movie called The House of Yes starring Parker Posey. One of the characters (a young woman played by Posey) is allegedly mentally ill, so her entire family tiptoes around her and caters to her every whim. She never has to do a thing for herself or that she doesn't want to do because if anyone "upsets" her she has a meltdown. Her brother's girlfriend visits and at one point tells her "You're not mentally ill. You're just spoiled". And the young woman says "Well we're not going to start speaking the TRUTH around here!", basically acknowledging it.

 

This reminds me of your ex. She's got everyone so afraid of "causing" her to have a meltdown or go into one of her "depressions" that they will do anything she wants. And I wonder if a medical professional has ever actually diagnosed her. It's also telling that she refuses to continue treatment; maybe a therapist saw through her act.

 

And yeah, codependents eat this up. They truly believe if they ever say "no" to someone like her she will do something drastic like hurt herself. Truth is...if you said no once in a while she might have actually respected you. Or maybe not...she might have just ditched you to find someone who will cater to her.

 

Regardless, you do not have to resign yourself to a lifetime of caretaker to a grown ass woman. She can take her own books back to the library.

 

PS: Don't fall into the trap of diagnosing her. That would just give you another excuse to continue contact.

 

Sounds interesting, and familiar .. certainly people tiptoed around her, including myself, but I know plenty of people who just got sick of it. A female friend of mine in particular was utterly furious with her for what she did, deleted her off all social media and was basically brutally honest to me about how she felt I was being treated. Other people got pretty sick of her attitude, a few of us at Uni were sat watching TV shows and we all agreed (aside from her) on a certain one. She didn't want that, so she got in a strop, straight up left the room and went and sat in the kitchen and read a book rather than just sit in a socialise. Utterly selfish.

 

I do think she has depression, but I don't think it's as crippling as she makes out, and I think she almost enjoys wallowing in it as it gives her a free pass in life. All she had to do was mention the d word and I'd be there doing whatever she wants, she can't do stuff around the house because depression, she can't work because of it, all of her mistakes in life are down to it .. it's an easy excuse to turn to. She uses it like a shield rather than actually wanting to tackle it, and it was was always a case of her using it when convenient.

 

I totally ate it up, I was always so concerned for her and genuinely believed it was my duty to look after her. The few times I did confront her about her mental health issues/behaviour/issues in our relationship? She got ultra defensive, went cold and unresponsive and blanked me for a few days, it was almost like a punishment for daring to bring any stress in to her life. She wants everything carefree and easy and her way, I think maybe you're right that she would have 'respected' me more if I had said no more often, but I also think she would never have been able to deal with a relationship where she wasn't being constantly catered to. When I said 'no' to taking her books back, she got in to one of those cold moods and like I said, it was a few days of basically no contact as she lied in bed cutting me off entirely.

 

Yeah, whatever is wrong with her, whatever issues she has aren't my problems anymore. I can't believe how blind I was to her manipulation, looking back now it's so obvious that I was being played for an idiot who could be used for whatever she wanted. Most clearly I remember when we nearly broke up because of the ex issues I mentioned, we were talking through it and she asked me to hide the razors because she was having suicidal thoughts. At the time I was shocked, of course I had to stay with her if she was getting to that point! Now when I think back, I honestly think it was purely a tactic to distract me from what she had done, and make herself the poor victim who needed looking after.

 

 

Again, going through all this has really helped .. christ trust me, I don't want an excuse to continue contact. I honestly feel sorry for her parents, they're both good working people who do very long hours and are extremely caring, and unlike me they have an obligation to look after her. She isn't going to get a job, or move out etc, just leech off them as long as she can. I think they were happy when she got in to a long term relationship, probably thought they'd been rescued from a life of looking after their adult daughter.

[ninjabib]

Literally think we dated the same person except my partner's reason was anxiety. She was spoilt rotten and treated with kid gloves by her parents. A right little madam. She has only now at 28 just started working.

 

Maintain radio silence where she's concerned mate